Catalyst (6 page)

“She became more distant. I tried to give her time, making sure she wasn’t too stressed out and trying to make sure she was eating healthy. She became so detached from me, I knew something was wrong. She had scheduled her second doctor’s visit while I was traveling for work. I rearranged things and made it home in time, but when I got to the office, the front desk receptionist told me that the father was already in the room with her and I’d have to have a seat and wait for them to finish. I thought there had to be some mistake. It seemed like I waited for days. When she finally came out, she was holding my best friend’s hand. I stormed out of the room, not bothering to wait for answers. Just before I pulled into the driveway was when I got the call. They’d been in a car accident after leaving the doctor’s office. Both were killed instantly.” His hands cover his face, crying evident from his shaky voice. My heart hurts for the man in front of me. He seems so strong, so put together.

How selfish of me to think I was the only one with a painful past?

“That’s terrible, Maguire. I know we lost touch after we got out of school, but I had no idea.” Who had been there for him during those months of pain and heartache? I lost Liam, but Maguire lost his pregnant girlfriend and best friend all in one sweep. I’m dying to know whether the child was Maguire’s or his friend’s, but I know it’s not okay to ask right now. He shared a piece of him that he could have easily kept hidden.

Poor Maguire. I have Shannon and Noah to keep me upright, but who did Maguire have? I wanted to console him, to be there for him.

“It’s in the past.”

“But still a part of you today.” I come back.

He looks up at me and gives the smallest smile. I’ve never seen him like this before, his body not composed and confident. His eyes show the pain and conflict, his body more slack, more relaxed.

“It is, but not in the painful way you imagine. Every day I think about how I need to live for them, how I still have a chance to do good, and how never to take opportunities for granted. We have one life, and I’ll be damned if I don’t make it count.”

“I think I’ll get there one day. It’s weird going through this change. It’s barely noticeable at first, but looking back over the past few months, my pain has changed, and I don’t hurt as much physically. It’s still a constant, but I’m able to carry on now, not succumb to seclusion in my room, I don’t want to be alone all the time anymore. Was it that way for you?”

“It’s always hardest when it’s fresh. I went through the stages, and when I started really living again, I hated myself but also was excited about what was to come. Slowly, ever so slowly, I got myself back. Now, it’s just a small bruise where before, it was a deep gash that wouldn’t stop bleeding.”

I think over that last sentence for a while. I had never thought of it that way before, but it fits my situation right now. Day after day, I feel like I’m pressing my hand against my bleeding heart, hoping that it doesn’t bleed out from heartbreak and loss. Some days, I don’t even try to stop the bleeding. I embrace the pain. I deserve it.

Every so often, in small fragments throughout the day, the pain isn’t so bad. It’s manageable like a dull headache. It’s present but not the main concern. Those are the times I can see myself moving on.

It terrifies me.

My brain and body are starting to move on, starting to feel less loss. I scold my thoughts, feeling guilty for feeling okay.

I lie back down, realizing how I could lie here all day and be content. I wonder briefly if it’s because of the couch, the familiar surroundings, or because of the company.

My phone starts vibrating in my back pocket. I pull it out and see Shannon’s name pop up, accepting the call without thought.

“Hey, whatcha up to?” she asks, and I contemplate my answer before going the honest route.

“At Maguire’s hanging out.”
Please don’t pry, Shannon.

I hear Maguire shift positions, and I instantly feel rude for answering a call while with him. I hold up a finger and mouth ‘s
orry
’ to him. His half smile tells me I’m okay, though.

“Then why are you answering, woman?! I don’t know who he is, but you should be breathing heavy and too consumed to answer your phone.” I can hear the smile in her voice. My mouth falls open as I look back to Maguire, having the image pop into my head.

“Ugh. Just because I’m alone with a boy doesn’t mean that has to occur. Can we talk later? I’ll call you after I leave.” I blush when his smile widens, and he relaxes into the chair.

He’s fucking enjoying this!

“I want all the dirty details. Remember, you don’t want cobwebs up in there. Plus, think of it like the tree that falls but no one sees. If people didn’t witness it, it didn’t happen.”

“What? That’s sounds like exhibitionism, and you just said you wanted to know so that’s a fail.”

It takes her a second to come back. “Huh, I guess you’re right. But still, I give you my blessing to live a little. You deserve it, babe. Talk to ya later.”

After I end the call, I look over and can see he is itching to say something.

“Go on. What do you want to say?” I prop myself up so we are facing each other and pull my legs up underneath me.

“Boy?” He spits the word out. “I’m pretty sure I have been a man for a few years, sweetheart.” His voice is light again, all sadness evidently washed away after my little phone conversation. His muscles relaxed.

“You know what I meant.” Why did this man give me that tingling feeling in my stomach?

“She’s worried about you getting laid?” he asks as if it’s the most normal conversation. No laughter, no judging—just normal dialogue.

“Wow. Let’s just skip right to it, huh? And yeah, but it’s not because it’s you. I could have been at my doctor’s office alone, and she would tell me to try it out.”

He holds his hand to his heart, a playful look on his face. “Ouch! Now, who’s the one being harsh?”

“I didn’t mean it that way. She wants me to find someone again. I know she means well, but it’s scary.” My mind wanders to all the online dating nightmares people talk about, causing an involuntary shudder.

“It is. Maybe you don’t need to necessarily work so hard to find someone. Just let the pieces fall where they may.”

“I think, just maybe, you have a thing for me, Maguire.” I throw the idea out there, biting my lip as I wait for his response. His eyes draw to my lip, and at this moment, I can feel something between us. I just pray he feels it too or my dignity may forever be squashed.

“You think so?” he inquires, playfulness evident in his eyes.

“Mmmhmm.”

“We’re making progress, Tinsley.” His voice is deep, sending vibrations down to my core.

What have I gotten myself into?

Maguire

NOW THAT I’VE
gotten a taste, my craving has never been stronger. It wasn’t my intention to kiss her. I don’t want to scare her off.

The chemistry, though, is exhilarating, and I lose my senses when I’m near her.

I shouldn’t have told her about Nora.

She’s smart. It was a risk to open up about my past.

If any good comes out of today, it’s that she sees I’m just as vulnerable as she is. Hopefully, it will lead to her confiding in me and trusting me. We need trust in order for us to grow strong as a couple.

Of all the women, I vow to myself to do things the right way. To take my time and not make any more rash decisions.

She’s worth the extra time, the extra patience.

Back in college, she was the girl who had no clue how beautiful she was. I watched her turn down guys left and right. She had a large group of friends, but I saw her insecurity when she was alone. Reading in the courtyard, she’d drift off and stare out at the trees, watching others walk by.

I dismissed it at first. Other girls were easier, and I hadn’t yet realized the value of delayed gratification. She became the girl I compared everyone else to. The idea of her is what got me off each night I was alone in bed.

Tinsley became my obsession, but the timing was always wrong. I watched and waited as she finished school and began dating Liam. Their bond was so strong that for a while, I almost gave up. I was patient.

Nora was my longest distraction, and for a while, I thought she would be enough to pacify my obsession. Before she cheated on me, I could see myself with her and happy enough that I no longer had darker desires. I thought she had fixed me.

Tinsley’s heart blows Nora’s out of the water. Once I realized that, things were simpler.

I can be the man she needs. I can give her everything and have her want for nothing.

The kiss. Her lips are so soft, so submissive. I keep replaying it over in my head.

She fights her feelings, but the shell is breaking.

Tinsley

I’M OFFICIALLY GOING
to be thirty at the stroke of midnight.

So damn depressing.

I loved my twenties. In your twenties, you’re still young and everyone knows it. Once you turn thirty, you’re expected to be more of an adult. You’re expected to have your shit together and be on your way in your career and with a family.

I have the career.

Yet I’m alone.

The thought of my eggs starting to shrivel up and turn to dust makes me cringe. All my friends have babies or husbands or ex-husbands. I had an almost husband and the only babies I have around are Shannon’s twin little girls who I steal from time to time but give back once they start fussing too much.

Shannon has the most perfect little girls in the world, Emmie and Charlee. They look entirely too much like their horrible father who left before they were born. At least, he had good looks. They’re almost two and are still in the squeezable, cuddly stage.

My friends and I went out for dinner and drinks two days ago. They all gave updates about their spawn—letting us know what sport they were in now, where they were going for their family vacations, trading stories about potty training struggles, and other nonsense I wasn’t included in.

Four drinks later, it didn’t matter. I was in my own little world, playing some color matching game on my phone, content as could be.

It wasn’t until Shannon nudged me that I was brought back to the conversation, only to realize it had changed to boyfriends and husbands, of which I’m also lacking.

The point is I’m already failing at being a twenty-nine-year-old. All the new expectations of being thirty are exasperating.

Tonight, I’m going to pretend I’m doing just fine and enjoy the night. Noah’s taking me to my favorite fondue restaurant to celebrate turning old.

The truth is Liam has always taken me there on my birthday, and when I told Noah my lack of plans, he stepped up and made us reservations.

Someday, he’s going to make a fantastic husband. Right now, he’ll do for my pretend date as the hostess smiles at the two of us before showing us to our table.

The ambiance is sultry with deep reds and dim lighting, each booth tucked away so there is decent privacy. It’s perfect for dates. We pass by multiple couples, all touching each other in some manner. Hands clasped, his foot grazing higher up her leg, a simple hand on the thigh.

Noah and I are definitely going to be the odd ones out in this place.

“Here’s your table, fitted with a box of chocolate-covered strawberries for the birthday girl. Maxwell will be right with you. Enjoy your dinner.” She politely excuses herself, and Noah is trying to contain his laughter.

“This is where y’all go every year? It’s pretty ritzy for you, Tins.” He stares at the chandeliers hanging around the room and watches as a waiter brings by a tray of seafood and steak to a nearby table.

“I never came here for the romance. We came for the experience. Cooking food together while being able to talk is a different from other restaurants. We have total control over what liquid our food is cooked in and it’s like playing with your food. I mean we get to dip apples into cheese mixed with beer. It’s not your normal thing.” I could go on, but I’m losing Noah to the atmosphere.

“They have many specialty beers.” I regain his attention again, and he smiles. Simple man.

After we order our cheese fondue and salads, the waiter returns with the pot we’re using to cook in and turns on the heat. Noah watches in confusion. I can tell he’s trying to be a good sport for me, but this is new territory for him. If it had been his choice, we’d be at a bar, not mine, watching a game and hanging with the guys.

“We could have gone somewhere else, you know?” I tell him after our waiter’s gone.

“Nah. I’ll just go along with whatever you do. I’ll order my beers, and you do your thing with the food.” He takes a swig of his German beer and closes his eyes in appreciation. “Damn, that’s good stuff.”

“See. That’s why Liam liked it too. So tell me, what’s on your horizon now for women? Taking a break or diving right back in?” I move my legs to sit Indian style in the booth, spreading my dress to cover my legs, not caring about how we look.

“Ehh. I’m not going to go out and search for her. If she comes, she comes.” Looking up, he adds the word, “Hard.” Trying to look serious, he keeps a straight face, but it’s only a few seconds until I’m shaking my head and we’re both laughing.