Catalyst (The Best Days #1) (17 page)

She broke down utterly and completely, all the grief and guilt and horror she’d bottled up bursting forth as though a dam had broken.  She wept for Grace, for Troy, for Rebecca and even for herself.  Though she hadn’t wanted to admit it, that moment when she’d found Grace’s lifeless body had changed Rory forever.

One day she’d been a carefree teenager preoccupied with frivolous things – a child, really, with childish aspirations and immature priorities.  Then in an instant, that innocence had been ripped away.  Growing up, Rory decided, had nothing to do with age at all.  Instead, it had to do with experiences. 

And with one awful experience, Rory’s childhood had ended.

Carson held Rory tightly as she fell to pieces in his arms.  If he was afraid of her emotional breakdown, he didn’t let on.  His arms were strong and his embrace was unwavering.  Before, Rory would have died at the thought of Carson witnessing her during a display of such extreme weakness. 

After was different. 
And so, Rory didn’t fight what she was feeling. 

There was something comforting about crying on Carson’s shoulder.  He didn’t try to soothe her or
shush her.  He simply sat there quietly with his body pressed against Rory’s, his hand lightly stroking her back as her body was wracked with sobs.

He didn’t flinch.

He didn’t falter.

He was just there, waiting patiently for her to
work through the dark thoughts and find her way back.

He was just there.

It meant everything.

Being away from Carson was sweet agony.  Rory knew she couldn’t afford to skip any more classes so she couldn’t visit him during school hours.  One or both of his parents were usually home by the time school let out and they were adamant that Carson wasn’t allowed any visitors
for the duration of his grounding. 

He sent Rory texts when his parents weren’t looking telling her how much he wished he could be with her.  Occasionally he’d tip her off that he was home alone for a couple hour
s while his parents were out.  Rory lived for those texts and for the brief, precious moments they got to spend together.

“This whole
grounding thing is kind of absurd,” Carson complained one evening after meeting Rory on the porch in the darkness.  “I’ll be eighteen in like a month.  You’d think my parents would be past the point of grounding me but I guess they’re being extra strict to make up for past mistakes.”

“What mistakes did they make?”  Rory’s head was against his shoulder and her eyes were half-closed as she drifted somewhere on the cusp of sleep and consciousness. 

“The mistakes aren’t theirs.  They blame themselves for my brother’s screw ups” Carson explained, his tone conveying such conviction that Rory quickly snapped out of her sleepy, relaxed state.  “Now my parents are stupidly strict with me because I guess they feel like they were too lax with my brother.”

“Ah, I see.  My older brother will forever be my mom’s baby,
but that’s probably a good thing because he’s completely hopeless” Rory sighed dramatically.  “I’m pretty sure she’ll still be trying to do his laundry and cut his steak for him when he’s forty.  And he’ll probably let her because he has no shame.”

“Sounds like he has a good thing going,” Carson chuckled.  “Do your parents treat you differently than they treat your brother?”

Sort of, I guess.  I don’t think my dad knows how to relate to teenage girls, though he does try.  He talks to my sister about books and stuff but with me…I don’t know.  We watch movies together sometimes.”

“What about your mom?”

“She’s even more clueless about how to raise teenagers,” Rory laughed.  “Don’t get me wrong – my parents are great – but they’ve seemed a little out of their element since around the time Rebecca and I started high school.” 

“Does that bother you?”

“No.  I get it.  I even get why my mom obsesses over Justin more than me or my sister.  Old habits die hard, right?  And it’s tougher to dote on three kids than on one, obviously.  Time constraints and stuff…”

“So you and your sister are left to your own devices?”

“Not exactly, but after my sister was born my mom went back to work as an elementary school teacher and my dad works late a lot,” Rory shrugged.  “It’s fine, really.  It makes it easier for me to come and go as I please.”

“That’s good news for me,” Carson grinned.

“I have to admit, sneaking around like this is sort of hot,” Rory confessed, snuggling up to him as they sat on the porch swing.  Summer was mere weeks away but the chill that set in late at night was more akin to late autumn.  Carson wrapped an arm around Rory’s shoulders tightly to keep her warm.

“
You’re
kind of hot,” he shot back playfully and then corrected himself.  “Actually, you’re incredibly hot.” 

Rory blushed at once.  “I am not,” she protested, both delighted and uncomfortable with the flattery.  Carson looked at her like he thought she was the most beautiful woman
on earth but she knew she wasn’t.  Sometimes she felt unworthy of being with him.

Carson sighed and kissed Rory’s temple, his fingers straying through her long blonde tresses.  “You are,” he insisted.  “You’re the only one who doesn’t see how beautiful you are,” he murmured in her ear, his words gentle and sincere, tinged with sadness.  “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”

She didn’t know how to respond to that so instead she kissed him.  She loved kissing him.  It never failed to ignite sparks in her belly and make her face flush with excitement.  “How much longer do we have?” she whispered.

Carson looked down at his watch.  “I should get back inside soon,” he told her regretfully.  “My parents will probably be home in ten or fifteen minutes.  But I mean, it’s not like they can ground me for much longer.  As soon as I’m eighteen I’ll be apartment hunting for a place near campus.”

Rory’s heart fell.  It figured that just when she’d finally snagged the guy of her dreams, he’d be moving away to go to college in another city.  “About that…what’s going to happen when you leave?” 

She almost hated to ask because she was pretty sure she knew the answer.

“What do you mean?” Carson sounded confused.  “I’ll drive down on the weekends to see you or you can come visit me.  We’ll make it work,” he assured her, giving her shoulders an affectionate squeeze for emphasis.

“But what about all the hot college girls you’ll meet?”  Rory tried to say it in a nonchalant, teasing tone but she felt anything but playful.  She was genuinely worried that Carson would leave her in a heartbeat once he was surrounded by smart, beautiful co-eds.  There was no doubt they’d be throwing themselves at him and Rory figured it was only a matter of time until he bit.

“They won’t be you,” Carson replied tersely.  He pulled his arm away and turned to look at her.  “Look, Rory, I get that you’re going through a tough time right now and I’m really, truly sorry for that.  But you can’t keep acting like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t think anything good can last, do you?”

Rory was silent for a moment.  He was right.  It was hard – maybe impossible – to recapture that hopeless idealism she’d clung to prior to her world crashing down around her.  “I wish you’d known me before,” she said softly.

“I’m just glad to know you now.”  Carson’s thumb tilted Rory’s chin upward so she had to meet his gaze.  “Hey,” he said softly, his eyes full of compassion.  “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m a mess.”

“Sometimes,” he agreed.  “But I’ll wait as long as it takes for you to pull yourself back together.  My favorite uncle died just over a year ago,” he confided in her.  “He had an undiagnosed heart condition and one morning he just didn’t wake up.”

“That’s awful.”

“Yeah, it was.  But the point is, things get easier.  At first I was pretty torn up…the whole family was.  I’d wake up in the night thinking about it, you know?  But at some point I started sleeping again.  And then I noticed I was thinking about it less and less.  I mean, I still miss him all the time but his death doesn’t define my life anymore.  Does that make sense?”

“It does,” Rory said contemplatively.  “But how do I get to that point?”

“Good question.  I wish I had a good answer.  My dad just sort of went quiet for a while and then it was business as usual.  My mom was so distraught at losing her kid brother that she stayed in bed for about a week and then made a huge donation to the hospital’s cardiology unit in his name.  And my brother…well, my brother acted out and got in all kinds of trouble because he didn’t know how to deal.”

“What about you?”

Carson ran a hand through his hair and considered the question.  “I guess I withdrew a bit.  I didn’t date, didn’t really hang out with my friends outside of football practice.  I played a lot of video games,” he admitted sheepishly.  “They were a good distraction for a while…but eventually I didn’t need them anymore.”

“You have this look,” Rory tried to explain, struggling to find the right words.  “You watch people.  I watch you watching them.  I can’t even count how many times I’ve wondered what you’re thinking…how many times I’ve wished I could get inside your head.”

Carson smirked.  “Most of the time I’m probably thinking about how pointless all the drama is.  After my uncle died it changed my perspective.  I just think there are more important things than high school politics.”

“You’ve basically just summed up how I feel.
  I just wish I knew how to cope with the guilt.”

“You’re not what I expected at all you know.”

“I’m…sorry?”

“No, it’s a good thing.  You’re more than I expected.” 

He draped his arm around Rory’s shoulder once again, much to her relief.  She knew it was silly but she worried every time he pulled away – she supposed that just went to show how right he was about her pessimistic outlook on life. 

“What do you feel guilty about?”

“I should have been nicer to Grace,” Rory stated simply.  “I was never mean to her, exactly, but I should have been friendlier.  I shouldn’t have let Hilary and the others take advantage of her.  I walked in on her crying in the bathroom one day, you know.  I wish I’d handled it differently and said something to make her feel better.  I was too caught up in my own life to pay any attention to hers until she’d taken it.”

“We all could have treated her better,” Carson agreed.  “There has to be something more?”

Rory took a deep, shuddering breath.  “I was there that night, in her bedroom.”

“I know.  I was in the kitchen and someone said they’d seen you run down the stairs and out the door.  Then we heard the screams from upstairs…”

Rory cringed at the recollection.  “I was right there in Grace’s bedroom,” she whispered.  “What if I could have saved her?  What if I’d walked in there five minutes sooner?”

“You’ll drive yourself crazy thinking like that,” Carson pointed out.  “What happened is awful and tragic but it’s not your fault.  You just happened to be unlucky
enough to find her.  That’s all.”  His voice was firm and authoritative, like he hoped that a stern tone could convince Rory to see things his way.

“I tried to cut her down in case…”  She began to cry.  “She – she was still warm.”

The arm around Rory’s shoulder tightened and she heard Carson inhale sharply.

“I’m sorry,” Rory apologized through her tears.  “We’ve just started going out and here I am laying all this heavy, terrible stuff on you.  I should know better.  It’s just…I’d usually tell Sheck but he’s been going through stuff of his own
, and my sister…”

“You can talk to me.  You can tell me anything.”

“I’ll scare you off.”

“Never,” he said adamantly.
“I want to be there for you.  Please, let me.”

Rory leaned her head on Carson’s shoulder and stared out into the darkness.  “I should go,” she said without making any move to actually get up.  The last thing she wanted to do was say goodnight to Carson, but she knew his parents would be home any minute. 

“I’ll text you first chance I get,” he promised.

Reluctantly, Rory pulled away from Carson and stood up.  “Goodnight.”

He grabbed her long hair and gently pulled her down for a steamy, lingering kiss that gave her shivers.  “Goodnight.”

Day by day, Rory’s outlook began to shift. 

It wasn’t something that happened overnight.  It wasn’t as though a switch was flipped and then, magically, she emerged from her funk intact and ready to face the world.  No, it was a gradual process.  Some days were better than others.  At first she didn’t even notice she was beginning to feel better.  Then she realized she was able to watch an entire movie without thinking of Grace.

That was progress.

Carson’s birthday was supposed to be a special day.  It marked not only his transition to legal adulthood, but also his and Rory’s first real date
…she’d decided that the movie theater fiasco didn’t count because she said so. 

Normally Rory would have been all for a big
, over the top party but being around a crowd was the last thing she wanted.  And the mere thought of parties left a bad taste in her mouth now.  Carson seemed to sense it and considerately suggested they have a quiet dinner out.

The restaurant was a beautiful, quaint Italian place that was rich with old world charm.  She tried her best to put on a happy face for Carson.  They kissed each other hello, he pulled out her chair and they held hands as they waited for their appetizers to arrive.

Finally, Carson couldn’t ignore it any longer.  “You’re awfully quiet,” he observed.

“I’m fine,” she lied.

“Rory, tell me what’s going on.” 

She hesitated, not wanting to harp on a sore subject.  Then she informed Carson, “Jeremy is at it again.  I didn’t see it myself but my sister told me he’s
still
harassing Troy Watson.  Can you believe it?  After everything that’s happened…?  What’s his problem anyway?”

“I have no idea.  I stopped trying to figure him out a long time ago.  I think some people are just so messed up that there’s no point in wasting time and energy trying to understand them.  But
that sucks about Troy.  He seems like an okay guy.”

“My sister says he’s really nice.  But the most infuriating part of all is she has a video of what led up to the fight at the school.  Before you came along, Jeremy was being an absolute ass to Troy and Rebecca recorded most of it on her phone.  She told Troy he could take it to the police – I bet if they saw what
really
happened they’d charge Jeremy with harassment or…something.”

“But Troy won’t go for it?”

“Nope,” Rory threw up her hands in frustration.  “I don’t understand.  It’s like Troy is hoping if he sticks his head in the sand long enough, Jeremy will just go away.  But that’s not going to happen.  Troy has tried ignoring Jeremy and look where it got him?  It’s not working.”

Carson looked annoyed.  “I’d love to finish what I started with Jeremy.”

“Don’t do that!” Rory warned, feeling a twinge of fear.  “You could get hurt…he doesn’t fight fair.  And besides, if you go after Jeremy again and get caught I bet you’ll be charged with assault for sure.”

“Yeah I know,” Carson sighed.  “Don’t worry, I’m not going to
kick his ass, even though I’d really, really like to.  Can you send me the video your sister took?  I want to see how it all went down before I got there.”

“Yeah, okay.”  Rory’s face brightened.  “I almost forgot,” she said, opening up her purse and pulling out a carefully wrapped
flat, rectangular package.  “Here’s your birthday present!”

Carson accepted the
gift from her and turned it over carefully in his hand.  “Getting to spend time with you is more than enough,” he told her.  “You didn’t need to get me anything.  But thanks!  Should I open it now?”

“Go ahead.”

His blue eyes crinkling at the corners, Carson grinned at Rory from across the table.  “Why do you look so nervous?” he teased.  “What did you get me?”

“Open it and find out!”

As Rory looked on, he pulled the paper back carefully, delicately.  It reminded her of the way he touched her face when they kissed. 

Rory loved how gentle he was.  She wouldn’t have expected such tenderness from the star football player
– but then, there was a lot about him that had pleasantly surprised her.  Up close and personal, he wasn’t quite as intimidating as she’d first thought. 

His face lit up when he
saw what was beneath the wrapping paper.

“Do you like it?” she asked nervously.
  “You said the other night that you liked my drawings…”

“I love it.  Your drawings are too good to be on scrap paper torn out of your notebook.  They deserve to be on canvas…and hanging in a gallery, if you ask me.”

He pulled out the framed hand drawn picture and admired it.  “I remember the day you drew this in class,” he told Rory, tracing his finger lightly across the wooden frame.  “I must have walked past your desk half a dozen times that day hoping you’d look up at me.  Eventually I ran out of excuses to wander around the classroom,” he chuckled.

“But what you probably don’t know,” she said softly, “Is these dark spots in the corners?  They’re where I’d written your name, over and over.  Then when you started walking past my desk I freaked out.  I thought you’d see it and assume I was some psycho stalker, so I scribbled your name out.” 

Carson was looking at Rory so intently that she began to blush.  “That story makes the drawing mean even more,” he said softly.  “Also Rory, don’t scribble my name out again, alright?”

“I won’t.”  She leaned across the table and kissed him just as their entrees arrived.  “Happy birthday,” she murmured.

“This is the best birthday I could have imagined and you know why?  It’s because I get to spend with you.” Carson confessed once the kiss ended.  After the server had left their table, he looked deeply into Rory’s eyes.  “I know we haven’t been dating very long but…I think I’m falling for you, Rory.”

She felt the same way about him.

* * * * *

When Carson dropped Rory off at home
later that night, she felt like she was walking on air.  It was without a doubt the best first date she ever could have asked for.  Tragedy aside, the night had ended on a romantic note, with the young couple making out in Carson’s trendy sports car for a good ten minutes before Rory had reluctantly pulled herself away.

She could still feel her heart pounding and her skin tingled where Carson had caressed it.  She was surprised by how quickly their relationship was progressing, but in a good way.  She didn’t know if they’d been brought together by the horrible events they’d both endured or if they would have found their way to one another regardless of all that. 

It didn’t matter.  All that mattered was how they felt about each other.

Rory’s parents had met and eventually married in an unremarkable way.  As a child, Rory had demanded her mother tell her the story over and over, not because she enjoyed it but because she was searching for something – anything – that would make it special. 

But as far as Rory could tell, it had just been the standard run-of-the-mill college romance.
  They met on a blind date, continued seeing each other throughout college.  After college came the engagement and later, the wedding.  The story was nice enough, Rory supposed, simple and straightforward.  But it didn’t make her heart pound and her breath catch in her throat.

Sheck’s parents, on the other hand – they’d had fireworks.  Rory loved when Val told her about the whirlwind romance she’d had with Clive.  They’d met fresh out of high school.  Clive worked weekends as a security guard at the mall.  Val was there shoplifting (nothing major, just a tube of lipstick).  Long story short, they’d felt the sparks immediately and were married
a scandalously short time later, against the wishes of Clive’s parents.

That
was the kind of romance Rory dreamed about. 

She loved the idea of falling madly and deeply in love with someone
, so much so that you’d be willing to risk everything.  When Sheck had confided that his parents were separating, it had been a crushing blow to Rory’s sense of idealism. 

But now…now she was slowly beginning to open up to the idea that true, unw
avering love really could exist, even if there were rough patches along the way.  Maybe she’d been too quick to cast her hopes aside.

Val and Clive had made it work. 

Rory and Carson would too. 

She didn’t mean to get ahead of herself but she couldn’t help but wonder if Carson was The One.  He said all the right things.  He was
sensitive and masculine all at once, the perfect blend of safety and excitement.  He made Rory’s pulse race and the way he looked at her gave her butterflies. 

Maybe she was one of the lucky ones who’d find love young.  Maybe Carson would be it for her, her one and only love.  She could practically imagine their future:  moving in together after she graduated high school, getting married…there was something so charm
ing about the idea of marrying her high school sweetheart.

So what if Rebecca and Sheck both seemed on the fence about Carson?  They hadn’t given him a chance yet.  Rory was confident that once they got to know him, he’d win their approval in a heartbeat…just like he’d won Rory’s heart.

As she kicked off her shoes and happily made her way up to her bedroom, Rory couldn’t help but feel a sense of hopefulness.  It was refreshing.  It was long overdue.  It was a feeling she hadn’t experienced since, well, since Before.

She was too excited to sleep. 
She threw herself down on her bed and stared up at the ceiling, a smile on her face as she dreamily made plans for her future.  She was well aware of the meaning of what she was doing, yet she made her plans and dreamed her dreams unapologetically. 

She was tired of putting her life on hold.
  What good did it do?  What difference did it make?  Was being miserable really the only way she could honor Grace’s life?  It made no sense.  Just as Grace’s death had been senseless, so was Rory’s apparent belief that she no longer deserved to be happy.

Grace was dead and it was awful
.  There was no denying that.  But Rory punishing herself wouldn’t bring Grace back.  Rory hadn’t died that night in the upstairs bedroom at the end of the hall.  Maybe her innocence had, but so what?  She was still here. 

It was time for Rory to start living again.  The only thing that could make Grace’s death more tragic would be the loss of two lives that night.