Censored by Confucius (5 page)

The general was furious at such insolence. "How is it that such a cheeky monster is allowed to exist?!"

Woken by the commotion, Zhao's servants rushed for their weapons and advanced on the ghost
en masse.
The ghost beat a hasty retreat into an empty room through a crack in the wall. Clouds of dust and sand rose up and the waiting servants expected, from the volume of noise, to see a horde of ugly reinforcements. Instead the ghost made its way through to the main hall again. He stood up tall and then crouched over, assuming a fighting position.

The servants were terrified at this change of tactics and nobody dared to advance on the ghost. The general, however, had grown increasingly angry and he took up his own lance and speared the monster through the belly. As the lance pierced the bulge, a strange sound could be heard and then the ghost's body disappeared.

Eventually, all that remained was the dazzling metallic gleam of two golden eyes the size of large copper basins, hanging from the wall. The servants struck out at the eyes with their swords and these dazzling lights soon transformed into sparks and stars that lit up the entire room. Gradually these too diminished.

Then dawn arrived.

Before he mounted his horse to take his leave of Chengdu, General Zhao told all the city officials about the night's strange events. They all gaped in amazement. Nobody was ever able to determine the exact nature of this particular monster.

The Magistrate of Pingyang

The magistrate of Pingyang, a man by the name of Zhu Shuo, was renowned for the extremely cruel way he meted out punishments. Indeed, the cangues and cudgels produced in the territories under his jurisdiction were particularly thick and heavy.

In all cases involving women, Magistrate Zhu would be sure to give a moralizing lecture on adultery. His punishment of prostitutes involved stripping them and repeatedly ramming cudgels up their vaginas, ensuring that they remained swollen for several months. The magistrate would then declare, "Let's see her take a client now!" and promptly order that clients' faces be smeared with blood from the prostitutes' buttocks.

If the prostitutes were beautiful he would be even more brutal, saying, "If all beautiful women are made to be plain, then our society will be rid of the scourge of prostitution!" He would then order the prostitutes' heads shaved and their nostrils slashed.

He often bragged of this to his colleagues: "I am totally impervious to sexual desire. How would I be able to mete out such punishments if I didn't have a heart of stone?"

When Zhu had completed his term in Pingyang he was reassigned to Shandong. During the shift, he and his family stayed in a guesthouse in Chiping County. The top floor of the guesthouse was firmly sealed and when Zhu asked the innkeeper why, he was told, "There are ghosts up there so the floor has been kept locked for many years."

Zhu replied in his typically obstinate manner, "What possible reason do we have to be scared? When those specters hear of my reputation, I guarantee they'll beat a hasty retreat."

Despite his wife's desperate entreaties he rented the upper floor, put his family in one room, and, armed with a sword, kept watch by candlelight in another.

At the third drum there was a knock at his door and a white-haired
man wearing a dark red cap entered. When he saw Zhu the old man bowed reverently, but in reply Zhu simply shouted at him, demanding that the specter identify himself.

The old man replied: "I am not a specter. I am the local earth god and it is with great pleasure that I welcome you here tonight. When I heard of your arrival I knew that the time for the exorcism of the ghosts dwelling here was nigh."

He then went on to say, "In a little while the ghosts will appear. If we are to take all their heads you should first strike them with your sword and then I'll be able to come in and help you."

Zhu was immensely pleased by this news and thanked the old man before bidding him farewell.

Presently a green-faced demon and a white-faced demon did indeed appear before Zhu. Zhu struck out with his sword, slicing one and then the other. Then some long-toothed, black-mouthed demons appeared and Zhu again struck out with his sword. The demons screamed in pain and fell to the ground. Zhu was extremely proud of his performance and hurried down to tell the innkeeper about the night's events.

By this time the rooster had crowed and the other residents had risen, so they all went up with their candles to survey the scene. Under the flickering candlelight they saw the floor strewn with the corpses of Zhu's wife, concubines, and children.

Zhu screamed, "I've been tricked by the ghosts and specters!" Then, grief-stricken, he collapsed to the floor, dead.

Tricking the Thunder God

Zhao Licun, a demobilized soldier from Nanfeng County, once told me of a strange event that occurred during the Ming dynasty. The story had been passed down from one of his ancestors, a man of exceptional talent who lived in the village in question.

At one point, when the anarchy and chaos of the Ming had reached its peak, the village was repeatedly terrorized by bandits who would extort money from the locals during festivals and the like. It wasn't long before the villagers' suffering became intolerable, so Zhao took it upon himself to report these criminals to the law. The bandits were forthwith officially banned from entering the village and this left them without their primary source of income. Naturally, they were furious.

Because Zhao had official backing, the bandits couldn't personally take revenge on him, so they decided to invoke a higher authority. Whenever thunder clouds banked up on the horizon, the bandits would gather together with all their wives and children and pray to the thunder god for assistance, chanting: "Please strike down that evil Mr. Zhao."

Their prayers were accompanied by ritual sacrifices of pigs and the like, and were not without results.

One day, Mr. Zhao was pottering around in his garden when suddenly there was a great crashing boom. A sulfureous smell filled the garden and down from the sky came a hairy fellow with a mouth like a beak. Zhao recognized this to be the thunder god and deduced that he must have been tricked by the bandits.

He quickly threw the nearby chamber pot at the thunder god, shouting: "Thunder god! In all the fifty years I've been alive, I've never seen you dare to strike a tiger! You always pick on the humble water buffalo! What is it that makes you victimize the weak and gentle? How can you be such a bully? What's your purpose in coming here? Go on, then, you can destroy me or simply ruin me, but you know, I won't hate you, I'll just pity you!"

The thunder god, soaked in urine from the chamber pot, was rendered speechless by this tirade. Behind his angry eyes was the glimmer of shame. He fell in a heap to the ground and began what turned out to be three days of pitiful crying.

When the bandits heard of this strange turn of events they were greatly moved and admitted, "It was our request that brought this hardship and
embarrassment to the thunder god." They called upon a Daoist monk and asked him to help the thunder god with prayers. This was carried out and the thunder god left.

Ghosts Are Afraid of Those Unafraid of Death

One of Official Jie's cousins was an exceptionally strong and fearless sort. He particularly loathed people spreading frightening tales about ghosts, and always chose to live in places reputed to be haunted.

One day, while traveling through Shandong Province, he stopped at an inn that was rumored to have some sort of demon living in its western wing. lie, extremely pleased to be presented with such a challenge, immediately arranged to rent the rooms for the night.

At the second watch a tile was knocked from the roof.

In reply Jie cursed loudly. "If you're really a decent ghost then you'd throw something down that can't be found on a roof. Perhaps then I'd be afraid of you."

Surely enough a grinding stone was tossed down. Jie shouted back, "If you're really a fierce ghost I dare you to come and destroy my table. Then maybe I'd be scared of you."

Surely enough a huge stone came hurtling through the air and smashed half of his table.

Jie was furious and screamed, "You damned mongrel of a ghost! I'll bow to you only when you've smashed my head in!"

He promptly stood up, threw his hat to the floor, lifted his head, and waited for the assault.

After this stand-off no more strange sounds could be heard and thenceforth all supernatural happenings in this wing of the building ceased.

Scholar Qiu

One summer's day a Nanchang scholar by the name of Qiu took a nap in the cool of the local earth god's temple. After returning home he became extremely ill. Qiu's wife decided that he must have offended the earth god, and she prepared offerings and burnt incense to placate the spirit. Surely enough, Qiu then regained his health.

His wife advised him to return to the temple to show his gratitude to the god. But Qiu was furious and instead filed a letter of complaint against the earth god, accusing him of using his powers to squeeze food and wine from the people. He sent this complaint to the city god by burning the letter. However, after ten days nothing had happened.

Qiu became even more furious and burned a second letter of complaint. This letter included an additional reference to the city god's own behavior, suggesting that by being lax with corrupt subordinates he was himself undeserving of any offerings.

That night he dreamed that a notice had been posted on the wall of the city god's temple. It read: "The local earth god is extorting food and drink from the people and has thereby abused his office. He is setting a bad example and as a consequence should lose his position. This man Qiu does not respect ghosts and spirits and pokes his nose into the affairs of others. He should be sent to Xinjian and be given twenty strokes."

After waking, Qiu remained convinced that the dream signified nothing. After all, he was a Nanchang resident, so even if he were to be punished, it would not be in Xinjian.

Not long after, there was a huge storm during which the earth god's temple was struck by lightning. Qiu became a bit worried and decided it would be safer to stay inside for a while. After a few weeks had passed without event he relaxed his guard.

One day, not long after this, the inspector of Jiangxi came to a nearby temple to pray. While praying he happened to be struck on the
forehead by an axe. This event caused great consternation among the local officials, and they assembled at the scene to determine who should take responsibility. Scholar Qiu got wind of the spectacle and hurried over to watch.

One of the officials, the magistrate of Xinjian, thought Qiu's behavior rather odd. Suspecting him of being the culprit, he demanded that Qiu identify himself. Poor Qiu was terrified and could only stammer incoherently. From the clothing Qiu wore, the magistrate deduced that he was unlikely to be anyone of consequence, and in a fit of fury at Qiu's insolence he ordered that Qiu receive twenty strokes.

It was only after these strokes had been administered that Qiu regained his power of speech. "I am Scholar Qiu of the Qiu Sinong household," he said.

Hearing that his criminal was actually a scholar, the magistrate regretted his hasty
verdict. To compensate Qiu for his suffering, the magistrate employed him as head teacher at Fengcheng.

Ghosts Have Only Three Tricks

Mr. Cai Wei was often heard to say, "Ghosts have three tricks. Initially they will attempt to enchant. Failing that, they will venture to block, and finally they will resort to terrorizing."

When asked to expound upon his theory he would reply, "I have a cousin by the name of Lü who is a scholarship student at Songjiang. He has a very open and direct personality, and indeed his self-styled nickname is Mr. Direct.

"One evening he passed through a village west of Lake Liu. Dusk had just fallen when he saw a woman, her face powdered and rouged, hurrying along with a rope in her hands. When she saw Lü, she tried to avoid him by hastening to the shelter of a large tree. In doing so she dropped her rope. Lü picked it up. It proved to be a straw rope exuding the sweet, sickly smell of blood. He quickly concluded that the woman was a ghost and had died from hanging. He hid the rope under his clothing and walked on ahead.

"The woman came out from behind the tree and tried to block Lü's path. When he walked to the left she would move to the left; when he walked to the right she would move to the right. Lü recognized this ploy as 'playing the ghostly wall.' So, he rushed directly towards her. The ghost was caught unawares, but then with one long shrill cry she transformed herself into a blood-soaked figure covered by long hair. She poked out her tongue and skipped towards Lü .

"Lü said, 'At first you tried to enchant me with your rouge and powder. Then you ventured to block my path. Now you have adopted this gruesome form in an attempt to scare me. Your three tricks are used up, and I am still not scared. I know you have no other ploys. Didn't you realize that my name was Mr. Direct?'

"The ghost then resumed her original form and knelt on the ground before Lü, confessing, 'I am a city woman by the name of Shi. In a fit of anger after an argument with my husband I hanged myself. I have
just heard that to the east of Lake Liu there lives a woman who is also having marital problems. I was hurrying there in the hope of finding a replacement ghost. I was not expecting you, sir, to impede my progress by taking my rope. It is true that I have no more tricks left, so I beg you to have mercy. Help me escape the horrors of hell. Help me be reincarnated.'