Change of Heart (12 page)

He nodded and stared at her as his deep love
for her returned to his eyes. “That’s right. If we were to marry,
I’d have to give up a dream.” He moved closer to her and took her
into his arms. “But I’ll gladly exchange a lesser dream for a
greater one, Marietta. I want you to be my wife.”

She felt herself weaken. She closed her eyes
and sank her cheek into his shoulder. She had to find the courage
she needed to refuse him again. “I’m sorry, Jase. My answer is
no.”

He kissed the top of her head, released her,
and left the room.

Marietta’s sleep was fitful at best after
turning down Jase’s proposal. Why did he have to ask her to stay?
Surely he knew she’d turn him down. He knew she didn’t belong in
the wilderness any more than a mountain lion belonged in the city.
Why had he forced her to hurt him when it was the last thing she’d
ever want to do?

Yet, his proposal required sacrifice from
both of them if they were to be married. Was she being selfish by
refusing to give up her established life the way Jase was willing
to give up his land speculation for her?

Perhaps she was. She needed time to think and
think clearly. She mustn’t let her feelings for Jase cloud her
judgment or interfere with making sound choices. Sometimes, she
wished she could be the rebel Kathy had been. No matter what Mother
had taught them Kathy had always done as she’d pleased.

How she wished she had Kathy to speak with
now. She needed her sister’s advice so much. Even when she’d been
hundreds of miles away, Kathy had continued to comfort and advise
her through her correspondence. Now she didn’t even have letters
coming from her dear, sweet sister.

Marietta tossed inside her sheets and stewed
in her troubles and in the teachings of childhood. She had to put
her feelings for Jase aside and make sound decisions.

An outside thought crossed her mind, and
Marietta almost jumped at her sudden realization. Jase had let his
feelings for her rule the choices he made for his life. He was
willing to give up a dream for her. How differently two people in
love could behave.

Damnation!

It was the first time such a word had ever
crossed Marietta’s thoughts. Life was suddenly far too complicated,
and she was going to have to find a way to uncomplicate things very
soon.

The next morning was Christmas Eve. By the
time Marietta had washed and dressed for the day, Jase and Zack
were dragging the Christmas tree inside.

“Aunt Marietta!” Zack squealed as she met him
in the parlor. “Look at the tree Jase and I cut down! I got up
very, very early today because it’s Christmas Eve and time to get
the tree. I woke Jase up, and him and me went all the way out to
Pine Rock Hollow to get it. Jase said that was the most special
place in the whole world to him because he had a real special day
there one time a couple of weeks ago.” Zack looked up at Jase,
whose face was turning an odd shade of red. “Didn’t you say that,
Jase?”

The cowboy cleared his throat. “I did, but,
Zack, that was between you and me.”

Marietta could barely look at Jase. She loved
him so much. She’d loved him the day he’d first kissed her in Pine
Rock Hollow, she loved him this minute as she stared across the
room at him, and she would love him every day for the rest of her
life.

“It’s a beautiful tree, Zack.” She folded her
arms across her lavender shirtwaist. “Did you help cut it
down?”

“Yup, and I cut my finger too, but Jase took
care of it.”

“You cut your finger? You must be very
careful using tools, Zack.”

“I know, Jase told me. Right, Jase?” He
looked up at the man on the other side of the Christmas tree.

“You did fine, Zack. There isn’t a man alive
who hasn’t cut himself on a tool at least once in his life, but
your aunt is right. We all need to be careful using tools.”

Marietta unfolded her arms and tucked away a
stray hair that had escaped from the knot at her nape. “Did you two
have breakfast yet?”

“I took some cookies to the bunkhouse for
Jase and me, but I’m hungry again,” Zack replied. “Are you,
Jase?”

“I wouldn’t mind some potatoes and side meat,
or steak,” Jase said, fixing his gaze on Marietta.

“And flapjacks,” Zack added.

She smiled at her nephew, but when she looked
at Jase, the smile slowly slipped away. Fifteen feet away from him,
with his face half-hidden by the enormous fir tree he held on to,
Marietta could see the love in Jase’s eyes as well as the pain her
refusal had put there.

She looked at Zack again and forced another
smile. “One man-sized breakfast coming up.” She quickly turned and
walked out of the room.

She’d spent a lot of time in Jase’s kitchen
over the past few weeks, but this time the kitchen felt different
to her. He’d offered to make his kitchen her kitchen. He’d asked
her to make his parlor her parlor, his ranch her ranch, his library
her library, and his bedroom their bedroom. He’d plainly told her
he wanted her to share his life in every way, and she’d turned him
down.

Had she done the right thing? She clenched
her fists and whispered, “I don’t know.”

Marietta opened her eyes and looked out the
window at the vast emptiness of the Nebraska Territory prairie. She
loved Jase’s home. It was much lovelier than anyplace she’d ever
lived, but there were no neighbors outside the front door except
the ranch hands. Amy Carson and Mrs. Harrison, the colonel’s wife,
were the only women near her age who lived nearby, yet they were a
half-day’s ride from the ranch, and Marietta couldn’t even ride a
horse.

Accepting Jase’s proposal would be a huge
risk, and she’d been raised to avoid taking chances. Her mother had
told her to stay with the familiar, to keep close associations with
ladies in the community, and to never,
never
let infatuation
with a man interfere with good judgment. Mother had emphasized that
a woman without a full social life served no purpose. If Marietta
married Jase, she’d have no social life at all. Jase, Zack, the
ranch hands, and possibly Mrs. Whipple if she stayed on would be
the only people in her life on a daily or even weekly basis.

She began to peel the potatoes and heat the
skillet in which she’d fry them. Kathy had found immeasurable
happiness in Nebraska--her letters had made her feelings crystal
clear--and Amy was as happy as any woman Marietta had ever met. Was
love really enough for some women? It had been for Amy and Kathy,
but could it be for her?

She shook her head. She’d made the only
decision she could have made. She belonged in Chicago, and she just
had to accept that and forget about Jase.

When the potatoes, side meat, and flapjacks
were ready to be served, Marietta called Jase and Zack to the
kitchen. The three of them feasted on fine food and loving
companionship the way they would if they were a real family. She
began to wonder which would be the bigger mistake, leaving Jase or
staying with him.

The rest of the day passed quickly. By the
time supper was over, Zack was falling asleep in his dessert.
Marietta insisted he go up to bed, and she promised she’d come to
his room to tell him goodnight in a short while.

When Zack left the room, Jase helped her
clean up the kitchen. As he handed her a stack of dishes, their
hands met, and she nearly dropped the china. He stepped next to her
as she set the plates in a basin of warm soapy water.

“Marietta, I want to apologize for being so
abrupt with you yesterday with my proposal, and I’m sorry I tried
to bully you into accepting me. I knew that you’d most likely
refuse me, but I had to ask. I love you too much not to have
asked.”

She turned and looked up at him. “Jase, I
didn’t want to hurt you.”

He placed two fingers over her lips. “Don’t
say anything. I do understand. I can’t give you the social life you
need, and I don’t have anything more to offer you than my love.” He
drew his fingers back. “I wish I did, but just as your life is in
the city, mine is here on the ranch.” He cupped her chin. “So, you
see, I do understand.”

It all seemed so clear to him while
everything was a mystery to her.

“I’m going upstairs to see Zack,” he said,
stepping away from her. “He’s pretty excited about tomorrow
morning. I promised him we’d have Bible readings with the ranch
hands when he’s finished opening his presents, but I think he’s
anticipating the feast we’ll have more than anything else. That
child loves to eat.”

A smile of fondness for her nephew covered
her face. “He does for a fact. Tell him I’ll be up in a few minutes
to tell him goodnight.”

Jase inclined his head toward her and left
the room.

When she’d finished cleaning up, she went to
Zack’s room, half expecting to find the boy sound asleep. Zack was
sitting on Jase’s lap while they sat on Zack’s bed. The two of them
cuddled together was the most beautiful portrait Marietta had ever
seen.

“Did you get a present for Beaumont,
Jase?”

He kissed the top of the boy’s head.
“Beaumont’s a horse, son. He doesn’t get presents.”

A giant grin spread over Zack’s face. “But
little boys do, don’t they, Jase?”

“They sure do.”

“And so do big men,” Zack said slyly.

“They do?” Jase pretended to be surprised by
the boy’s statement.

Zack gave an exaggerated nod. “Yup. I saw
Aunt Marietta making you a--” He slapped his hands over his mouth.
“It’s a secret,” he whispered as he drew his fingers away from his
lips.

Jase chuckled, and Zack threw his arms around
his neck.

“I love you, Jase. I wish we could stay
forever. I never want to leave you.”

Jase let the embrace linger before he pulled
the boy away from him. “You know that isn’t possible, Zack. You and
your aunt will be leaving in a week. You’ll have a wonderful life
in Chicago.”

“If you say so, Jase. I promised I’d be good
when it came time to leave if you let me stay here, and you did, so
I will.”

“I’m glad to hear that, Zack.”

“But I still wish I could stay, Jase, and
Aunt Marietta said wishes could come true at Christmastime.”

“Little wishes can come true, Zack. I’m
afraid this wish is just too big.”

Marietta hastened down the hall to her room.
She couldn’t stand to listen to Zack’s shattered wishes and dreams
another moment.

Was she being completely selfish? Why
couldn’t she be sure of her decision? Why did so much doubt linger?
She raised her eyes high above. If only she could find the answers
to her questions. She had to be sure she was making the right
decision.

She still needed to tell Zack goodnight. She
went back to his room and found that Jase was gone. Zack snuggled
under the covers as Marietta came toward him. He didn’t see her
until she was next to him. “Are you ready to go to sleep?”

“Yup. I’m ready to sleep ‘cause I need to get
up early in the morning. I want a long day to celebrate
Christmas.”

She smiled as she leaned over and kissed him.
“Goodnight, honey.”

He kissed her cheek in return. “Goodnight,
Aunt Marietta.”

She tucked in his quilt and left his room.
Moments later, as she lay on her bed, she closed her eyes and
prayed that she could live with her decision to return to Chicago.
It was the only realistic, sensible choice she had for her future
as well as Zack’s.

~ * ~

Jase stared at his home from his bunkhouse
room. Marietta’s light had gone out an hour earlier. She was asleep
by now, dreaming, resting, looking beautiful with her auburn hair
strewn on her pillow around her lovely face. He was going to miss
her so much he didn’t know if he’d be able to stand it. Living
without her would mean terrible suffering.

Maybe he deserved the pain. He’d been a
greedy man in his life, always chasing a new dream of wealth and
success. He’d been blessed with a wondrous ranch in Texas, but it
hadn’t been enough. He’d wanted to be a new settler in a new land
making his mark. That dream had prompted him to come to Nebraska to
start one of the first cattle ranches. And now that his ranch was
moderately successful, he still wasn’t satisfied. He wanted to be
remembered long after he was gone for both his wealth and his
contributions to western growth, in the form of a new town.

He’d been greedy. He’d chosen to satisfy his
thirst for new ventures when he’d left Texas, instead of marrying a
woman who’d loved him deeply. He hadn’t loved Louise, but he’d
liked her very much. She would have been a good wife to him, and
she’d have given him wonderful children. But he’d chosen a new
challenge in Nebraska over a family and the love of a good
woman.

It was only fitting that now, when he’d made
the decision to choose Marietta over another new venture, that she
would reject him. He didn’t deserve her love or the love of any
other woman. He was being paid back for his selfish choices.

Now that he’d finally learned that there was
nothing greater in life than loving a woman, it was too late. He
stared at Marietta’s window one more moment.

“Goodbye, my love. I’ll never forget
you.”

~ * ~

Christmas came and went, and nothing of its
magic helped Marietta gain any peace as she tried to squelch her
nagging doubts about returning to Chicago. She was just as confused
on December twenty-sixth, twenty-seventh, and twenty-eighth as she
had been on Christmas Eve.

Two days before the stage was to arrive that
would take Marietta and Zack on their way to Chicago, Jase came
into the kitchen just after Marietta finished the breakfast
dishes.

“Good morning, Jase. Can I fix you something
else to eat?”

“No thanks.” He took off his wide-brimmed hat
and stepped closer until he stood next to her. He turned his hat in
his hands. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” he said on half-choked
words.