CHASING LIFE (3 page)

He
undressed Julia gently, and then himself, before carrying her into the bathroom, her body pressed against his like that of a helpless infant. He sat down with her in the warm water and rested her head on his chest.

Dave
watched her eyes for a reaction to the warmth of the water, hoping it would ease her pain, but there was only a vacant expression. Julia was in another world. He cradled her in his arms and they rested in the warmth of the water.

Dave
felt as if his chest would burst, and he could no longer hold back the tears. They rolled down his cheeks unchecked. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms tightly around her. The beating of her heart was weak and slow. As the candles flickered, ghostly shadows danced on the walls. The music kept playing until the last track and then silence fell.

‘
I’m ready. Take me home, Dave,’ she had said to him in the hospital that morning. His mind played those words over and over. It was unreal. How did it happen so fast? he asked himself. What else could he do? If he could only reach inside her body and fix her, if he could only draw the sickness from her ravaged flesh and into his he would do it in an instant.

He felt
Julia’s heart stop beating. Her chest heaved, and she closed her eyes. ‘Oh, Julia.’ Dave caressed her face and his cries filled the house. In an instant, his world fell apart.

Chapter 3

Julia’s body was buried
five days after her death. People came to pay their respects and then returned to their own busy lives. Dave was now on his own and the house was as peaceful as a grave. He wasn’t ready to return to work. The anti-depressants muddled his mind, but bottles of alcohol were a form of remedy. The Scotch wiped out all those memories that came flooding back as soon as a lucid state set in. He hardly ate, and the alcohol bottles were stacking up.

Dave’s parents pleaded with him to move back with them for a while. They knew their son wasn’t coping. But he would have none of it. He thanked them and sent them on their way.
He was an adult, they couldn’t do much. Their worries were so great they were at their wits’ ends about what to do. They resorted to calling him every day and he’d try to convince them he’d be all right—just needed more time. His friends called on him constantly and he’d do the same with them.

But Dave wasn’t al
l right. A new routine was in motion. He would wake up in the afternoons and pour a glass of scotch or wine, depending what was at hand. Eat some cereal and go out to the letterbox and check if the paper was delivered. He’d hold onto the paper and dump the mail on his kitchen bench, creating a growing pile. From one room to another he would pace all day long, with his paper in hand. As soon as he’d finish one drink he’d fix himself another. At night, he would have cereal for dinner and fall in a drunken sleep. In the background, the soft wail of a saxophone reverberated throughout the house from Julia’s jazz albums.

Nearly three weeks had gone by. He decided to look at photos of him and Julia. He sat on the edge of his bed and sobbed as he ran his fingers through the photos, as if trying to feel her in some way. He looked at himself and touched his face. His beard had grown unkempt for weeks and so he finally decided to shave. In the bathroom, he touched his greying whiskers and stared at his face in the mirror. He’d aged so quickly. Bags formed under his eyes and his skin was as dry as cardboard.

The razer went up and rested against his cheek
. Then, he brought it down slowly. He’d forgotten to put shaving cream on. Absentmindedly, he kept shaving in random strokes. He stopped at one spot and stared, seeing Julia’s face from the photo in his mind. A droplet of blood trickled from under the razor and mixed with tears. He was pressing too hard and completely oblivious to it. The stinging pain brought him back and he stopped shaving, wiped himself and threw the bloody towel in the laundry basket. It was overflowing and smelly by now.

The following morning his house was much noisier. His parents arrived, their faces ravaged with grief and concern. They lectured him and they made him promise that he would make an effort to get back on his feet. What would Julia have said? they asked, aware of the comment’s sharp edge.

Dave looked as if he were getting the message. They made sense, but he was afraid he wasn’t strong enough to keep himself going. He promised them that he’d see a counsellor and try his best to move on. And he tried to mean it. He was doing it for them now, just as he had been doing it for Julia before. These people were his lifeline. Dave had caused them tremendous worry by going on this self-destructive bender. He’d been so immersed in his own world of sorrow that he hadn’t thought about the people who cared for him. But it wouldn’t last—the routine would surely set in again.

Mike and Amy, Dave’s oldest friends, came to see him just as his parents were leaving. Dave suspected the timing was organised
. Mike was a big man with square shoulders and tree trunk legs. He wasn’t a scholarly man but was certainly gifted with the genes of a natural athlete. A deep booming voice was offset by a soft-spoken tone and a joking personality. His hair was thick and black, and his face creased like a cartoon character whenever he laughed.

Amy was at shoulder height next to Mike. She was a lithe and energetic woman, the type that could carry a conversation with anyone and talk for hours. Most people didn’t know how to deal with situations they’d never faced before. But that wasn’t the case with Mike and Amy.

After Dave’s parents left the house Amy could no longer tolerate the niceties, ‘Get your shit together, will you! You look wasted, and you stink of alcohol.’ She gave him a nice whack across the face. It was so hard it startled both of them. But Amy’s face was full of grief.

‘She’s right, fuck-head
. Are you drinking yourself to death?’ Mike added, not wanting to be left out. He came around to the opposite side of the sofa and they both gave Dave a hug. Amy and Mike were Dave’s childhood friends. They treated each other like siblings. Amy’s feisty nature also made her fiery and stubborn like Julia had been. The large man, Mike was at the end of Amy’s beating stick most of the time. His aloof ignorance drove her crazy, but there was no ill feeling there. No one could stay angry at the goofy Mike. Despite the fact that Amy had a long-term boyfriend and Mike was married, the trio had kept up their habit of hanging out together, just the three of them.

‘I still can’t believe she’s gone. I have no idea what I’m going to do,’
Dave’s voice came out laboured and distant.

‘You’re not alone,’ Amy took his hand and squeezed it. ‘Give it time, and your life will get back to normal.’

‘I don’t care what happens. Not to me anyway,’ Dave continued as if she hadn’t spoken, ‘you’re breathing one day and you vanish the next. Meaningless . . . all of this, you know? It’s all meaningless.’ He mumbled on and turned his head sideways, ‘what a relief it would be to end it all.’ 

‘Stop that!’ Amy scolded. She shot Mike a frightened look and saw him looking back with the same expression. ‘Don’t speak like that, you hear me?’

‘What you’re saying is crazy, man,’ Mike shook him on the shoulder. His towering presence and comforting voice brought a feeling of security. ‘That’s not the Dave I know. Come on mate, you’re not yourself.’

‘We had plans. She was a great dance instructor, but I was too busy to pay attention. I was too focussed on the mortgage. Someone had to think about money. It was nearly paid off, did you know? We planned on having kids. Huh. A little bit of me running around. Could you imagine it? Me, a father,’ Dave looked as though he was conversing with the ceiling. His mind wandered back to the day they heard the diagnosis after a routine blood test. From then on everything went wrong. ‘All I’ve got now,’ Dave added flatly, ‘is unpaid medical expenses, a heavily mortgaged house and piles of debts.’

‘You’ll find your momentum again and don’t worry about the house. We’ll help you out. I told you that, you’re not alone.’ Amy brushed his hair back off his forehead.

‘Snap out of it, man. You’re a fighter. Don’t talk like that,’ Mike’s tone rose a notch
, and Dave took notice. ‘Do you think you’re the only one that’s been through such a tragedy? Julia would want you to keep living.’

Amy looked at Mike in surprise, ‘Yes, this is the last thing she’d want. Find your strength
, and get out of this house and these clothes. Clean yourself up and keep your mind busy. You have to get back to work—you must get back to the real world if you want to heal. It’s the only way, Dave.’

Dave’s mood improved that afternoon, gaining strength from his friends. Amy went into the kitchen and prepared some food while they kept him talking. His gaunt face was slowly getting colour, and they spoke for hours.

‘I really appreciate what you guys are doing. Have you heard from Julia’s parents? I should give them a call
,’ he said. He hadn’t thought of Julia’s parents in ages and felt bad not contacting them. Not since he’d taken Julia home from the hospital had he spoken to them, and they had avoided him during the funeral. Amy looked up at Mike, who shrugged as if to say, ‘Go ahead and tell him.’ She responded to the cue.

‘They’re angry with you,’ Amy said bluntly.

‘I don’t blame them,’ Dave answered. ‘They probably think I killed their daughter by taking her home. I’ve got to speak to them. I need to explain that it was Julia’s last wish.’

‘I don’t think they’ll believe you,’ Mike said. ‘They’re filing negligence charges against you.’

‘What? Julia’s parents?’ Dave straightened up.

‘They don’t see it your way. They’re full of grief, Dave. They say that you shouldn’t have taken her home. But it doesn’t matter. The doctors say that she would’ve been a vegetable at best.’ Mike’s mouth fell open when he realised what he’d said. ‘Sorry mate, I didn’t mean to be insensitive.’

‘It’s all right,’ Dave replied. ‘They can do whatever they want. I’m too tired to think about it.’

‘I’m sure Julia didn’t want any of this to happen to you,’ Amy said. ‘She’d make sure you wouldn’t get into any legal trouble.’

‘Well, she’s dead now, so I can’t ask her,’ Dave slumped in resignation.

‘Did she tell anyone else what her wishes were?’ Mike asked.

‘I don’t know. She turned it into a game.’ Dave saw puzzlement on his friends’ faces but couldn’t bring himself to explain.

‘What about her will?’ Amy said, after a long pause.

‘We didn’t make a will.’

‘How do you know she didn’t?’ Amy insisted.

‘She would have told me. I’d know.’

‘Would she? About wanting to die at home? Maybe you should check up on that.’ She turned her head to the pile of letters sitting on his kitchen bench. Amy’s comment made Dave think. Would Julia have done that? he wondered. In his exhaustion he could no longer concentrate.

‘We’ll let you rest,’ Amy said, giving Dave a peck on the cheek.

‘Get out
and get some fresh air, all right knob-head?’ Mike pointed at him, ‘I’ll call you tomorrow.’

‘All right,’ Dave saw his friends out and went to the kitchen
. He sifted through his letters.

As it turned out, Amy and Mike were right about Julia’s parents’ bringing charges against him—but also about Julia’s foreseeing something like this happening. Among the pile of junk mail and condolence cards was a letter from a law firm. It asked him to come to their office. Once there, he was presented with Julia’s will, indicating which possessions she wanted him to have and some mementos to go to her parents. More importantly, she had written and signed two letters: one for her parents and another for Dave. He was surprised and wondered how she had managed to do it without his knowing.

When
the lawyer handed him Julia’s letter, Dave immediately started reading:

I’m in a grave state. T
he pain is incredible, and at times I feel I can’t see the end to it. I don’t know how long I can tolerate this. It’s my choice to pass away at home if nothing else can be done, and I suspect it will be soon. But I feel fine with the decision. I’m not afraid.

Dave
, no woman could wish for more from a partner like you. I wrote this in case I didn’t get the chance to tell you in person. I’m sorry you won’t have me around to poke fun at you. I’m sorry I won’t get to see your face first thing in the morning. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a child, and I’m sorry our future was cut so short. You are the most loving man I have ever met and I regret nothing.

Y
ou did everything right. I know you punish yourself, but you did all you could. It’s because of you that I fought so hard. I beg you to find peace in your life and strength to move on. Live your life, fall in love again and find happiness within you. I love you dearly.

With
my eternal love, Julia.

Dave broke down and
cried in front of the stranger. The lawyer knew of the contents of the letter—she was obliged to read it. She tried to console the grieving man, placing a hand on Dave’s shoulder.

‘
Are we done?’ Dave asked abruptly, shaking off the woman’s hand. He took control of himself, pretending as if nothing had happened. He didn’t want a lawyer’s pity and felt suffocated in that room crammed with stately furniture and old books. He couldn’t stand being in there a minute longer.

The
lawyer, slightly perturbed, fussed a little over some papers. ‘I have sent the other letter to Julia’s parents,’ she said. ‘There is nothing else left to do. I wish you all the best. If you need anything, we are at your disposal.’ Dave apologised and excused himself before the woman finished talking.

Julia
’s parents dropped the lawsuit against him. Dave never knew what she’d written to them and he never heard from them again. He knew all too well what they were going through and felt sorry for them.

Chapter 4

S
ummer heat bore down on Melbournians with another day of searing record-setting temperatures. It had been five straight days of forty-plus degrees. The bottom end of Australia burned while the top end flooded. Dave watched a news anchor announce the day’s weather and cringed. It wouldn’t just be a hot day; it would be hell. Working in a factory with a corrugated iron roof was no fun. Inside, fans buzzed overhead but gave more noise than reprieve. Temperatures reached fifty degrees when machinery peaked at full production.