CHASING LIFE (4 page)

Why bother with the shirt and tie? he asked himself
while getting dressed. Sweat had usually saturated his collar by the time he sat down to switch on his computer. Perhaps it was the legacy of a younger Dave who believed in upholding professionalism at all times, a habit of which his blue-collar parents were extremely proud. That young man, however, had nothing in common with the Dave of the present. Why do it? Why stick with this job? An accounting degree and ten years of experience were solid qualifications for moving on to something else. How had he ended up working in a cardboard factory for so long with a prick of a boss too tight to buy even one air conditioner? Originally the job was meant to be temporary before he would start his own business. Then Julia got sick.

It was a routine he hated, but at least it kept his mind occupied.
Every day was just like the one before: wake up, have breakfast, drive an hour to work, put up with a whiny boss, complain about the job, go home and do it all over again the following day. When Julia was alive, he’d come home and tell her all about the day’s frustrations. Most of the time, she was supportive, but sometimes when she’d had enough they would get into an argument. ‘Leave!’ she would tell him. ‘I’m tired of listening to your whining. You’re just scared of going out on your own.’

She was right
, of course: he was scared of starting his own business, even though it was what he wanted. He’d grown too comfortable, and running his own business meant that all the responsibility would fall on him.

Nowadays the only sociali
sing he did outside of work was with Mike and Amy, but catching up once a week for an hour or so was all they could ever seem to manage. Enjoying a conversation over a weekend coffee at Café Trieste was a ritual of theirs. It was Monday morning, however and there were five workdays to get through before then.

Massive factory doors on rollers screeched open to allow trucks in for order pickups and deliveries of raw materials. Dave parked his car in its usual spot and placed a cover over the steering wheel so that it wouldn’t
store all the heat from the afternoon sun and burn his hands when he drove home. He allowed himself a moment in front of the air-conditioning vents before turning off the ignition. As soon as he opened the car door, hot air engulfed him. Sweat marks formed under his armpits before he reached the factory doors. It was an urban desert.

Six workers manned the machines on the floor. Dave worked inside
the office with his boss, Norman, who was out screaming at the workers as usual. The noisy building was oppressive, and it wasn’t due only to the weather and the smell of greasy machinery. Orders had been delayed due to equipment failure, and a backlog of work meant that everyone was doing overtime. From the looks on the workers’ faces, Dave could tell that his boss Norman had been riding them all morning.

The employees were a strange collection of characters, but Dave didn’t mind them. They all got along well and
were united by their hatred of the factory boss, but Dave was an exception in that he made an effort to be polite. He always used to say that you might as well try to get along with someone you end up spending more time with than your own wife. He scurried toward his office with his head down, ready once again to lose himself in his work.

Cardboard cutters and presses buzzed while Dave made his way around the safety markers. When each worker called out to him, he’d nod or wave in return. One of the employees, Brian,
a young guy with a square jaw and a famously short fuse, always came up to him cheerfully. He’d been a frequent visitor to the hospital while Julia was sick and had cried when he heard that she had died. Dave gave him a thumbs-up and forced a smile when he saw him, then kept going.

‘Dave!’
Brian called. Dave turned around to see Brian gesturing for a smoke break. Dave pointed to his watch, suggesting later that morning. He didn’t like his smoking habit, but it seemed to have stuck solid after he’d picked it up while Julia was sick. Now, he smoked because there was nothing better to do.

In his office
, Dave sat down on his squeaky chair while wiping the sweat off his forehead. It was a furnace in there. He dreamed of one day walking inside and finding the air chilled. But constantly hounding his skinflint boss to invest in air conditioning just didn’t work. Somehow Dave didn’t see anything ever changing in this place. He switched on the computer and delved straight into his emails.

‘Don’t give me lip, you smart-arse. Just get it working!’ he heard
Norman say to one of the employees. Dave couldn’t see who it was but guessed it was Brian, who baited Norman any chance he got just to make a point. Just as Dave was clicking on his Outlook icon, he looked up. Through his office window he saw Norman facing Brian on the factory floor, both of them yelling and pointing fingers at each other. Then a projectile hit the heavy man straight in the head. Dave quickly walked over to investigate and saw the other employees rush to intervene. Norman, a bald little man with a fat chin and thick moustache, was furious.

‘Get the hell out of my factory. You’re fired!’ he screamed at Brian. His face was covered in black grease from
the rag that Brian had thrown. Three other employees stood between the two men to prevent them from coming to blows.

‘Fuck you and your factory,’ Brian
shouted. ‘You fix the damn machine. I’m done.’

‘Wait, guys!’ Dave
said, trying to calm the situation.

‘Go back to work
!’ Norman shouted. ‘Everyone back to the machines. We have work to do. And you,’ he pointed to Brian, ‘keep walking.’ He would not have been so brave had it not been for the three men in between him and Brian.

‘Fuck you!’ Brian
replied, giving him the finger and making his way toward a locker near the roller doors.

‘Wait, Brian
!’ Dave ran after him. Brian grabbed his gear, a lunchbox and towel and walked outside the factory.

‘Let’s have a smoke,’ Brian
said. He fished out a cigarette and handed Dave one. It was still scorching hot, but they found shade under a carport.

‘What happened?’ Dave asked. He was surprised that Brian was so calm after just being fired.
He was even smiling.

‘The machine needed greasing. As you know, it’s way overdue for maintenance. Then that prick comes up behind me and starts yelling, telling me he’s losing money every minute it’s down and all that shit.
But if I don’t grease the fucking thing, the bearings will grind down and the engine will seize. He can see what I’m doing, but he pushes me on purpose, you know? Just wants me to arc up so he has an excuse to get rid of me. I’m doing him a favour, and the arsehole calls me lazy.’ He took a drag and exhaled.

‘So why did you give him the excuse?’ Dave
asked, perplexed.

‘Fuck him! I’m finished with this job
, and him.’

‘Let me have a word with him. Go home and cool off. I’ll see what I can do.’ Dave didn’t want to lose his workmate, who was good company. Their relationship was a
taste of normality that he’d learned to count on.

‘What for, Dave? For
this shithole? Look at us, man,’ Brian opened his palms and looked up, speaking with a calm desperation, ‘We’re melting in that tin can. It’s fifty degrees and that cunt won’t spend a cent for fucking air-con. Screw it, mate. I’m done. It’s just what I needed. Now I don’t have a choice but to leave.’ Brian seemed genuinely satisfied with the outcome. He looked at Dave in the eyes and placed a hand on his shoulder like a good friend would. ‘You should go too. You’re better than this.’

‘I don’t know about that. Too many bills to pay
,’ Dave said, shaking his head in surprised admiration for his friend.

‘Ye
ah, you’re not the only one, and you’ll always have bills to pay. You’ve gotta grow some balls and make a choice. Otherwise you’ll end up like him.’ Brian jerked his head toward the factory.

Dave didn’t have a reply. He just nodded, his usual response. The two men finished their cigarettes and shook hands.

‘Take care, Brian. Keep in touch,’ he said.

‘You too, mate. Look after yourself,
okay?’ Brian squeezed his hand and Dave smiled. Brian never asked him much about his personal life. He didn’t pry about Julia, and Dave appreciated it. When he just needed company, Brian was there.

Walking back inside the factory, Dave already mi
ssed the man who had told Norman to fuck off. The thought put a smile on his face. The din of machinery picked up again, and another worker was unsuccessfully trying to get Brian’s machine going. At his desk, Dave stared at his monitor. Distracted, he placed his elbows on the desk and rubbed his chin. A small fan hummed, recirculating the hot air, and flicking the corners of papers piled on his desk.

It’s boiling in here, he thought, loosening his tie. He couldn’t stop thinking about Brian’s act of defiance, which excited him. Brian hadn’t really done it on impulse. He took calculated risks. He’d been in this situation with
Norman many times before. Even though he did have a temper, he knew when to control it. Brian had had enough, and he did something about it.

What about
me? Dave wondered. Why am I still working my arse off for that prick? Brian was right: he was better than this. Yes, he had let him come back to his job after going missing in action toward the end of Julia’s illness. But it hadn’t been out of kindness or understanding: he’d simply been too lazy and tight to find and train someone else for Dave’s job. Since returning, he’d kept plugging away. No pay raise for three years, not even a cent. Bills would always need to be paid. His life had been in a holding pattern for so long: he hadn’t taken one day of holiday or been out with a woman. He’d become a social recluse, a hermit.

Norman’s
renewed yelling snapped Dave out of his thoughts. The poor guy being berated was working frantically on the machine Brian had been trying to fix. Dave stood up and watched. He turned his head to the computer monitor, looked at the monotonous work he suddenly could not face doing any more of, and then looked back at the factory floor. He sat down at his desk and started typing. Five minutes later, he took a printout of what he’d typed and walked out to where Norman was still carrying on. Dave couldn’t stand the rank smell of his sweat.

‘What’s this?’
he demanded as Dave approached.

‘My resignation.’ Dave handed him the
paper.

‘What?’
he was stunned, his mouth half open.

Dave turned on his heel and walked off toward the exit with a grin on his face.

‘You can’t leave without giving two weeks’ notice. It’s in your contract. I’ll make sure you don’t get your last pay check! You hear me?’ he shouted. The other employees stood around watching, all of them equally shocked and smiling at what had unfolded in one morning. They didn’t know that Dave had it in him—and neither did Dave.

‘Keep it. Maybe you can buy an air-conditioner,
’ Dave called out, waving his hand at him without looking back.

Chapter 5

T
hat autumn, three friends sat at a table in a busy restaurant. The European atmosphere of Café Trieste and its staff of beautiful coffee snobs was an irresistible combination to Melbourne’s coffee connoisseurs. Seats in the café were scarce and grudgingly relinquished, so Dave, Mike and Amy were lucky to have their usual table. The big man, Mike sat unusually quiet. The feisty Amy kept stealing looks at Dave, who played nonchalant, avoiding their gazes. It wasn’t just any ordinary get-together, after all. One of the trio was leaving the group, and their solemn expressions reflected that fact. A waitress soon delivered a strong latte, a three-quarter latte and a short macchiato.

‘You’ll miss this, you know.’ Mike
’s deep voice was the first to break the silence.

‘Yeah, I’ll miss it the most, not you two.’ Dave forced a smile. He stared at the thick creamy swirl
of milk, it looked as though he was trying to memorise it.

‘Thanks. We love you too
,’ Mike replied sarcastically. ‘While you’re being served slops in some dodgy café, think of us enjoying ours here. Look at him,’ Mike said, pointing to the stiff-necked barista. ‘The man is a fucking Nazi, but he makes a great brew.’ He ripped open a packet of sugar and stirred with care. Amy hadn’t spoken a word. She looked as though she had something on her mind and was waiting for the right moment. Dave knew that he probably wouldn’t like it and avoided her gaze.

Amy was the one person alive who knew Dave better than he knew himself. Much earlier in life, their friendship had briefly turned into a relationship before returning to a friendship. Neither knew why the short-lived romance had fizzled. Perhaps it was simply youth; perhaps friendship was more comfortable. Eventually Amy found a partner, and so did Dave. Over time their friendship and loyalty grew stronger to the point where they could say virtually anything to one another.

‘Look how thick the cream is,’ Mike said with awe, resting his chin on the table so he could be at eye level with his drink. ‘The sugar doesn’t even drop down. How does that shovelhead do it?’

‘Get over it and just drink the fucking thing, will you?’ Amy snapped.

‘All right, take it easy.’ The big man sank down in his chair like a child who’d just been told to stop playing with his food. He sulkily started fiddling with his mobile.

‘I
just don’t understand why you had to sell everything,’ Amy ignored Mike’s sulking and looked at Dave instead. He could see the sadness in her eyes.

‘I need a clean start, Amy
,’ he said gently.

‘I know that
,’ Amy said, looking down at the table, ‘and I’m all for your going away for a while, but why a one-way ticket?’

‘Because I don’t know how long I’ll need.’

‘What do you need? Why make such a drastic decision?’ she asked.

‘I don’t really know, to b
e honest,’ Dave said, shrugging. ‘I just know that life is passing me by and I don’t know what to do. Maybe if I’m in a position where I’m forced to do something, well, something might happen,’ he finished. His cryptic answer was met with dumbfounded looks.

‘You’re not doing this
because of Julia, are you?’ Mike looked up momentarily before his eyes drifted back to his mobile phone.

‘No, Mike, it’s not because of her,’ Dave said, annoyed at his friend’s lack of tact. ‘I should have done this a long time ago. I had a crappy job and debts I could never clear unless I sold the house.’

‘You have some cash now, you’ve got no real plan for this trip, and we don’t even know when you’re coming back. It’s not rational, and this is coming from me, queen of the irrational. Tell him will you?’ Amy slapped Mike on the thigh and frowned at his toying with the phone.

‘I did.
He doesn’t listen.’ Mike put the phone away and gave his full attention.

‘I know you two care about me,’ Dave remarked, ‘and I love you for it. You’ve been
so supportive throughout this whole thing. But I have to find some perspective on my life now. I’m clearing all the clutter, and with all my debts paid, I’ve got about twenty grand left. It’s not much but it’s a fresh start, you see? And believe me, I won’t be wasting that money. It means a lot more to me than you think.’ Dave’s effort at enthusiasm was received with scepticism. What he didn’t tell them was that he was planning on opening an Accounting practice one day. It was what Julia also wanted and it was their money. It would always remind him of her.

‘
It’s devastating to lose a partner,’ Amy said, playing the protective older sister, ‘and you’ve been doing so well already. You’ll even find someone else one day. Just don’t rush from one extreme to another.’ She shied away as if realizing she’d overstepped a sensitive boundary.

‘
Julia would want you to do it, mate. I know it,’ Mike said, as if reminiscing. Dave gave Mike a relieved smile.

‘Thanks, mate. I
appreciate the support,’ he looked pointedly at Amy.

‘Shut up, you!’ Amy
snapped at Mike.

‘
Amy,’ Dave said, ‘I was married to Julia for only a few years, but we were together for eight. I can’t help but think about her every day. It’s been over three years now, and not much has changed. Everything in the house reminded me of her.’

‘So it
is
because of Julia!’ Amy said triumphantly.

Dave sighed and rubbed his forehead, feeling as though he
were being interrogated. ‘It is and it isn’t. I’m thirty-five and the future I planned has been obliterated. I’ve lost a passion for my career and my whole life, for fuck’s sake,’ the words were tumbling out. ‘I have no interest in anything, not one thing. I’ve got myself into a rut and have to take a risk. I can’t think about the past for the rest of my life, can I? I’m hoping this trip will kick-start things, and maybe I'll find someone who’s not as messed up as I am. I’ll settle for a restaurant job washing dishes to keep me from blowing my savings and even learn another language while I’m there. Going away just feels right. And it doesn’t matter in which direction I’m going, as long as I find something worthwhile on the way, a bit of happiness and a new outlook in life.’ Dave stopped to compose himself.

‘Okay, mate,’ Mike reassured him. ‘We’ll be here when you get back. To be honest, I wish I could come with you.’

‘I just want to make sure you’ve thought this through properly.’ Amy gave up her prodding, and they all sipped their coffees at the same moment, as if timing it on purpose. Their eyes drifted in different directions, sifting through their thoughts for something appropriate to say.

‘Have you told your folks?’ Amy asked.

‘I told them I was going on a long holiday. I didn’t want them to worry. I’ll call them when I’m there anyway.’

‘What time is your flight?’ Mike asked.

‘Tonight at six.’

‘Do you need a lift?’

‘I’ll take a taxi.’

‘How long in Hong Kong?’

‘Don’t know.’

‘And then?’

‘Don’t know.’

‘Got a hotel?’

‘Nope. I’ll find something when I get there.’

‘Ticket and passport all good?’

‘Yep.’

‘Packed?’

‘Yep.’

‘Ready for a massage and a bit of a happy ending?’

‘Yep.’

‘Oh, shut up will you?’ Amy interrupted the guys’ volley, punching the closest one to her, which was Mike again. They all broke into a light-hearted laugh, savouring every minute they remained in the café. Each dreaded the moment they’d have to say goodbye and allow life to take them in different directions.

Dave looked at his watch and bit his lip. His heart was full of emotions ranging from fear and anxiety to excitement.

‘Is it time?’ Amy asked, noticing him looking anxiously at his watch.

‘Yep.’

‘All right then. Let’s pay the bill and say goodbye outside.’

After Dave paid the bill, they all walked outside in the cold air. He gave a last glance at the crowded café and its
distinctive sign.

‘What’s with the goofy grin on your face?’ Mike asked.

‘Don’t know. I just wonder if I’ll miss this place.’

‘Yeah, right. Come here.’ The big man embraced his friend and held him tight before letting him go.
‘Look after yourself, stay safe and come back to us, okay? And make sure you email any chance you get. I want the X-rated version by the way. Send everyone else all the touristy crap.’

‘Hey, I want the X-rated version too
,’ Amy embraced Dave until he felt the warmth of her body. She then turned away, dabbing her eyes. Mike placed his arm around her and held her beside him.

‘I’ll see you guys again. Don’t worry—I’ll be back.’ Dave walked off and waved.

‘You’d better,’ Mike answered. He and Amy stood together, watching their childhood friend walk away.

Chapter 6

Dave arrived at the airport wheeling a small suitcase with one hand and carrying the printout of a bar-coded e-ticket in the other. He was fascinated that such an important undertaking could come down to a simple barcode. New Zealand was as far as he’d ever travelled before, and here he was now with a one-way ticket to Hong Kong. Where to thereafter? It didn’t matter. He was hoping for surprises. He’d resolved to be open-minded and tackle anything that came his way. Moving in a direction made him feel alive again, he felt in control. It was a feeling that was taken from him a long time ago. There was a new life and happiness awaiting him out there, and he would find it. He’d finally taken off his wedding ring and put it away for good.

Once his luggage was checked in, Dave tried to relax, keeping an eye on flight-number updates on the board. The airport was quiet. Dark-suited business travellers on domestic flights rushed to the
security gates, dumping empty coffee cups on the way. International travellers fidgeted nervously while watching the countdown to their departure. He studied the people around him, wondering what stories had brought them there.

He couldn’t help but notice
the young couple shedding tears next to him. They embraced as though they would never see each other again, relishing every minute left. The young man ran his fingers gently through his partner’s hair and whispered consolations. She in turn caressed his face and nodded. Dave thought again of the fact that he and Julia had never made an overseas trip together. It was just one of so many unfulfilled plans.

Eventually he went through security and wandered around the gate area.
When boarding for his flight was announced, anxiety mixed with excitement prompted him to line up quickly. After his ticket’s barcode was scanned, he entered the aerobridge. There was no turning back now. Strapped in his aisle seat with a grin on his face, Dave gave silent thanks that Brian’s getting fired had given him the courage to abandon his old routine. The procrastination and uncertainty leading up to this point faded away. Other passengers filed into the plane and stowed their carry-on belongings while the crew prepared for take-off. Twenty minutes later, the captain announced their departure. The enormous jet engines of the A380 propelled the plane down the runway and lifted it off the ground until it soared into a clear sky.

The
passenger next to Dave was an older man engrossed in a book. He had white hair and a square jaw and looked very used to international travel. That suited Dave just fine. A conversation with an inquisitive stranger right now would distract him from enjoying the moment. It had been a long time since he’d allowed himself to let go. He still had a lot of anxious energy and tried to make himself as comfortable as possible in the economy-class seat.

Shifting awkwardly in his seat, he got his
wallet from his pocket and took out Julia’s letter. He couldn’t bear to read it just then, but still skimmed over the words. He felt a pang of sadness deep in his chest and put it back hurriedly. In the years since her death, he’d seen Julia’s face everywhere. He saw her in a crowded shopping mall and he saw her driving by. It wasn’t Julia, of course. It was just his grief-stricken mind playing tricks on him. At times, he’d find himself doodling on a piece of paper, and he’d look down on it to see he’d written her name over and over again, without even realising it. When a flight attendant walked by, he asked for a glass of wine and shortly thereafter drifted off to sleep.

A few hours passed and Dave was awakened by another flight attendant, this one an Asian woman with a cover girl smile. She gave him a gentle nudge and told him that the lunch would soon be served. He looked around as if to reassure himself he was still on the plane. Dave stretched his arms and yawned, feeling all the tension in his body loosen up.

‘Let’s hope,’
the older passenger on Dave’s left said, putting away his book, ‘that the meal on this flight is palatable. I had gas for a whole week from my last flight.’ He leaned in Dave’s direction. Dave noticed he was wearing a floral shirt with khaki pants and his fingers were covered in gold rings. The man’s drawl suggested he might be an American from the South, Dave guessed. Not that he was an expert on American accents, but he’d seen enough movies to know.