CHASING LIFE

CHASING LIFE

By Steve Jovanoski

‘We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And kn
ow the place for the first time.’

-
T. S. Eliot

Chapter 1

The hospital became a second home, and the blood transfusions more frequent. On some days Julia couldn’t get out of bed without one. Dave would sit beside her on a hard hospital chair, flicking rapidly through a dog-eared newspaper, hardly paying attention to its contents. He tried distracting his mind from its constant refrain of worried thoughts while throwing glances her way, just making sure she was comfortable. He hated being there—hated the now-familiar smell of sterile halls and the unnatural routine. Julia, ever perceptive, would look compassionately at him with her exhausted eyes and pat him on the hand.

‘Just r
echarging my batteries, Dave. This bunny will be out of here in a flash, I promise,’ she said. Dave usually averted his gaze at this, guilty for being unable to hide his emotions. Their constant straining to remain positive, they both knew, was not about Julia’s illness but about their sanity.

‘You just relax,’ he replied
and took her hand in his. Julia liked that. His large warm hands were pillows for her skeletal fingers.

‘You know what the best thing about this is?’

‘What?’

‘I don’
t have to do the cooking and cleaning,’ she laughed and squeezed his hand.

Dave put the paper down,
‘Is that why you’ve been coming here?’

‘Oo
ps, did I say that out loud?’

Colour was gradually returning t
o her face and her energy levels were on the rise.

‘Don’t think you’ll
be getting out of it that easily. You’re on mop duty as soon as we get home,’ Dave winked.

Eight
months had gone by since her diagnosis. At first the diagnosis was leukaemia. Then her body started losing coordination and strength. She’d drop things; her muscles twitched uncontrollably; and she couldn’t move like she normally did. They both knew something wasn’t right. More tests were run and she was diagnosed with motor neuron disease as well. After this second diagnosis, they were devastated. Hers was an incredibly rare case, even more remarkable for her only being in her late twenties. The specialist told Dave that the disease progressed quickly and was almost always fatal. He mentioned with a bit of levity that Stephen Hawking had lived with it for over fifty years, as if to offer a crumb of hope—but unspoken between them was the fact that Julia also had leukaemia to cope with.

The symptoms began slowly at first
: slurred speech, impaired mobility and on one occasion a terrifying lapse into a temporary coma when her lungs collapsed. As if that weren’t bad enough, Julia was one of a small percentage that developed dementia as a result of the illness. Dave took it hard, expecting the worst, pacing the house like an anguished animal at night, unable to sleep. Somehow Julia remained upbeat. ‘I’m still on my feet!’ she would say, in defiance of the diseases beating down on her. As soon as she felt somewhat better, Julia carried on as though nothing was happening. Dave couldn’t fathom why she didn’t worry as he did. Why was she the strong one?

Once they got over the shock of the initial diagnoses, they regrouped and
sought a second and then a third opinion. Maybe they’d got it wrong. Maybe there was hope. The responses varied slightly, but the verdict remained the same: the diseases assaulting Julia’s body were terminal. They tried rehab, Naturopathic therapy, herbs from all ends of the world and all manner of fringe remedies, but nothing helped. Dave kept hoping and Julia kept smiling for his sake—at least most of the time. On occasion she would devolve into hysterical states, laughing uncontrollably and crying desperately. The episodes took him by surprise—it was so uncharacteristic of his stoic wife. The doctors told them that it was all part of her symptoms.

Julia
knew what the inevitable outcome of her illness was, but Dave refused to admit it. Her smile was his drug. How could he live without her? In her eyes he could see himself reflected, but behind his reflection he could see the spark of light slowly fading away. Julia was suffering in the cruellest possible way, while Dave was utterly helpless to ease her pain.

After the blood transfusion they snuggled together in front of the TV. Dave wasn’t paying much attention to what was on. He was engrossed in the newspaper, as usual, when a reminder on his phone sounded a little chime. He got up to bring Julia the usual rainbow-coloured assortment of pills from the medicine cabinet they had dubbed ‘the chemical store’. Julia turned to Dave after taking the last one. Her face was forlorn and tired; she was deep in thought. A bottle of pills slipped from her grasp, which was steadily worsening. Dave quickly picked it up and engaged her in a conversation to take her mind off the incident, but she wouldn’t be diverted.

‘Look at me,’
Julia said, her tone depressed. Her once luminous eyes were now hollow sockets of gray.

‘What?’ Dave asked
, but he knew what was on her mind. She was looking down at her shrunken body with complete emotional detachment. A bolt of grief shot through his chest.

Julia
drew her top up and pinched the papery skin of her stomach. ‘I’ve lost so much weight! Talk about extreme weight-loss programs. Here’s one to write about.’ Her tone was chipper, but Dave could tell she was leading up to something.

‘You’re fine,
’ Dave said. ‘Let’s just talk about something else. Let’s not get into this discussion. Not now.’ He turned away from her.

‘No
, I’m not fine,’ Julia said, her gaze insistent. ‘It’s getting worse. It’s been eight months and we’re just going through the same motions every day, wasting time I don’t have. I can’t stand this waiting and pretending anymore, Dave.’ Her eyes focussed on the pills with disgust, as if they were eyeing the very thing that was making her sick.

‘You’re in the
most critical stage of your leukaemia, Julia,’ Dave said, his voice cracking under the strain. ‘You have to keep up the medication. Anything can—’ Julia knocked the bottles off the tray before he could finish his lecture. Pills bounced all over the carpet like so many M&M’s. It looked perversely festive.

‘I
don’t want these drugs anymore!’ she burst out crying.

Dave
reached over and took her in his arms. He held her there until the sobbing slowed and she calmed down. He loved holding her, even though her body was so frail now. Eventually her body relaxed, and he too allowed the tension in his muscles to wane, as if one body relied on the other for its reaction. It was one of those moments when Julia’s strength held her back from breaking down.

‘You have to take them
, darling. Please?’ he begged her. They’d been walking on a high wire of anxiety for so long that the slightest shake could send them plunging into despair. Dave needed Julia to not give up hope. Julia didn’t answer straight away.

She
wiped her eyes. ‘Soon I won’t even be able to walk.’

‘Y
ou know I’m always here for you,’ Dave replied.

‘
Shush, hear me out.’ She touched his lips affectionately, wanting to give comfort. Dave had the worried look of a little boy. She continued firmly. ‘I won’t be able to walk; my speech will get worse, and in the end I’ll be drip-fed. You won’t exist for me then. Do you know how it makes me feel to know that?’

‘Don’t talk like
that.’ Dave didn’t like what he knew he was about to hear.

‘
I won’t have you wiping my arse. Do you understand?’ Julia’s voice went octaves higher than usual, her body again tense, her heartbeat rapid.

‘Jesus
, Julia. How do you know it’ll get that bad?’

‘I’ll be a
sack of flesh and bones staring up at the ceiling like a spaced-out zombie, Dave.’

‘I take care of you now don’t I?
Nothing will change,’ he snapped, raising his voice. He got up angrily.

‘
Everything will change. How can you say that? Don’t walk away from me!’ she cried. Dave’s shoulders slumped as he reluctantly returned to her, cowed by the anger he’d spoken with.

‘It’ll b
e harder, but I’ll manage,’ he declared bravely. But his voice faltered as he said it.

‘
I don’t want you to go through that, not for me or anybody.’ Julia’s face softened. Her thin fingers caressed his face gently. They felt like a couple of cold wooden sticks, dry as tinder.

‘I’ll deal with
it, I told you. As long as you’re alive, I’ll do fine,’ Dave insisted.

‘
It won’t be fine. I love you, Dave, but sometimes you’re an idiot,’ she sat up, looking him in the face. ‘What kind of life will you have? You’re still young, and I won’t be me anymore. These conversations between us won’t happen. I won’t be capable of them. You must start thinking about the future, your future. Have you thought about that, Dave?’ Julia paused for a moment to allow her words to sink in. ‘That’s all I’m asking. I won’t have you throw your whole life away.’ Her obstinacy was infuriating, but the compassion in her voice tore him apart. The creases on her face eloquently expressed her worry. After all the pain her body had endured, she was still thinking of him first.

He didn’t have
a reply. She was, after all, right. He had no idea what he would do when her state worsened, but he didn’t know what he would do without her either. He looked away, making it clear he wasn’t happy with all this talk. The very act of planning for the future would mean that he’d conceded that her death was imminent. And he wasn’t letting go of hope.

Dave
regretted his outburst and apologised the best way he knew how. ‘Look at the positive side,’ he said, kissing the top of her head. ‘I get to tell you the same joke every day.’ He attempted a half-arsed smile.

‘You are an idiot,
’ Julia replied, kissing him on the cheek. ‘The only reason I laugh at your jokes is because they’re so bad.’

‘I’
m sorry,’ he apologised, giving her a hug. He moved her hair aside and brushed her cheeks. They were warm and wet to the touch. He remembered how she used to have such a plump and healthy face.

‘How about this?’ she
said. ‘I’ll take the medication, and we’ll talk about this again another time, but I want something in return. Deal?’ Julia’s eyes sparkled. She was trying a new angle.

‘
That’ll depend on what you want,’ he answered cautiously, wondering what she was up to.

‘
I have three—no, four—wishes.’

‘Is that all?’

‘Come on
,’ she smiled. ‘It’ll be fun. It’s something for the both of us.’

‘Why do I get the feeling you’ve thought about this already?’
Dave asked, looking suspiciously at her.

‘You’ll like it
, trust me. It’ll be our little game,’ Julia said.

‘
All right then.’ He would have done anything for her, anything she wanted. And right now, he could see that she wanted to do something while she was still in control over her body and mind.

‘Here’s the first one.
I want you to take me to the place we first met,’ she said, with a cheeky look on her face.

Dave
was puzzled at first, and then cringed at the recollection of that dusty memory from eleven years before. He thought he’d never have to revisit the embarrassing encounter.

‘Don’t tell me
that Mister Smooth forgets how he made his move and slid his card over to me. As I was having lunch with a date, I might add.’ She folded her arms and grinned. She was clearly enjoying tormenting him.

‘
Yes, yes. It was at the Vertigo Café,’ he conceded. ‘Why is it that you women remember these things? At least I waited until your date left the table.’

‘Oh
, yes. You are my gallant gentleman. My hero!’ she said sarcastically. ‘I must admit that my date was boring.’ She smiled and rose to her feet.

‘You are so modest,
’ Dave teased. ‘Where are you going?’

‘To
rest up before our date tomorrow. You have work to do, mister.’

Dave watched
Julia walk into the bedroom. ‘I haven’t agreed yet!’ he called out.