Chaste (McCullough Mountain) (19 page)

Her shoulders slumped.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
He straight out
told her—more than once—that he had no intentions of ever getting married. She
didn’t want to be his wife, but she at least wanted to know there was the
slightest possibility that they could end up together. Otherwise she was just
setting herself up for heartbreak.

Not only was her heart at risk,
but deep down she believed he honestly didn’t want to hurt her. So how did they
get around hurting each other without ending their association? She knew the
answer. There was no way. It was a fool’s bet to gamble on him changing when
every other woman in Center County accepted he was who he was and that he was never
going to change.

An ache formed in her chest as
she considered saving her heart and ending things now. There didn’t seem to be
a pain-free escape. She was already too invested, too curious, and too
attracted to walk away unscathed.

As she prayed she wondered if she
should break up with Kelly and give Josh her full attention. He was the type of
man she could see a future with, but he wasn’t the man who filled her belly
with butterflies and made her heart race.

As parishioners entered the
church, Ashlynn pocketed her rosary and looked for her father. He was always
early and spotted her right away. After genuflecting, he slid in beside her and
squeezed her hand. “How you doin’, sug?”

She kissed his cheek. “Hi, Daddy.
I’m good.”

They waited silently for mass to
begin and Ashlynn’s eyes went to the couple in the pew to her left. It was
Colin McCullough and his family. Colin was older than her and she’d assumed
he’d someday become a priest, but now he had a very pregnant wife and a
daughter named Tallulah. He still participated in mass regularly, but that was
where his service ended.

Behind him were Maureen and Frank
McCullough, Kelly’s parents, and their daughter Sheilagh, Kelly’s sister. She
smiled and waved at Ashlynn, which took her off-guard. Ashlynn waved back and
faced the front. Other McCulloughs filled the pews to her right, Kelly’s
cousins and extended family. There were several of them.

Her brow pinched as she
considered the last time she’d seen Kelly at church. She doubted he attended
the evening mass. It had been years since she recalled seeing him there at all.
The heavy weight in the pit of her stomach that she’d been ignoring all weekend
doubled.

What
are you doing? You know the answer. You’re only hurting yourself by denying the
truth. He is
never
going to be the right guy for you. You’re
too different.

She must have groaned. Her dad
tapped her knee and whispered, “You all right, Lynn? You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine.” Shutting her eyes,
she tried to clear her head.

Josh was Christian, but not
Catholic. He claimed to attend the Baptist church down the road regularly.
Maybe she could talk to Kelly about his faith and find out why he no longer
practiced.

Faith was something her parents
shared with her and she intended to do the same with her children. It was
another factor in choosing a good man, another arrow pointing to the fact Kelly
was the wrong man. This wasn’t like her. She wasn’t an ignorant ostrich used to
burying her head in the sand. She knew better, but also believed everything
happened for a reason. She just wished God would share the reasons for putting
Kelly McCullough smack dab in the middle of her once simple life.

Mass was the norm until Father
Mark started the homily. Ashlynn had been listening quietly when the direction
of the priest’s remarks hit her like a bolt of lightning.

Father Mark stood at the altar,
over his large book of notes and said, “I recently had dinner with some old
friends.”

Father Mark was the same priest
who taught her the many blessed sacraments and took her first confession. He
was younger than the other priests, likely in his early forties now, a handsome
man who kept the parishioners interested and had a gift for speaking plainly.

His voice carried over the
congregation and Ashlynn grew self-conscious as though he was addressing her
alone. “At the end of the meal, the younger children were excused, but Thomas,
the eldest son remained at the table with the adults. Thomas is in the process
of selecting colleges. Young adults are fascinating. They seem to still hold
that childlike innocence that allows them to ask questions without
embarrassment, yet their knowledge is advanced from the excessive media
nowadays.

“We got to talking and the fact
that I’m celibate came up. Our conversation staggered for a moment as Thomas asked
how any man could make such a sacrifice, which got me thinking.

 
“I can recall a time in my early twenties
when I’d visited a rectory on the Jersey shore. Indeed, at that time, seeing so
many lovely young woman on the cusp of falling in love, I was definitely second
guessing my vow of celibacy. But over time, I realized, that longing to appreciate
intimacy would be replaced with a greater gift.

“I couldn’t comprehend what I was
supposed to gain from being chaste. The calling of God isn’t always logical to
us, but that doesn’t prevent it from being personal.
Celibacy is perhaps
one of the most personal sacrifices I’ve made for Him.

“Several years later I toured
Italy. As an Irishman, my Italian’s dreadful. Luckily I had several good people
with me to translate. One afternoon I was sitting in Venice, people watching as
I often do. There was a family passing by that needed no translation. The
father laughed, a universal sound in any language. He was laughing with
affection at something his young daughter said as he scooped her up in his big,
powerful hands and held her to the sky as she squealed with joy. He kissed her
and my heart pinched with longing.”

“I asked God, was I not meant to
be a father?” As Father Mark posed the question Ashlynn’s gaze drifted to Colin
McCullough again. Tallulah lay sleeping on his broad shoulder, his large hand
petting gently over her back.

“I realized I was meant to be a
father to many,” Father Mark said, nodding at the flock.

Ashlynn’s mind drifted. There was
a line in the Book of Ruth, ‘
I will go wherever you go. Wherever you live I
will live.’
They weren’t in that
section of the Bible, but that line suddenly dominated all other thoughts out
of nowhere.

It was a vow of marriage. That’s
what a vow of celibacy was. It wasn’t about saying no, but more importantly,
saying yes. It was about saying yes to God, in good times and bad, for richer
or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worst. It was a
promise, an eternal gift given to
one
.

Ashlynn’s throat constricted. It
was the gentle reminders like this that told her God knew she was trying,
understood her struggles, and was there to guide her. But above all, it
reminded her that her choices still sat right with her. She was saving herself
for
one
man and the sad realization was that man was not going to be
Kelly McCullough.

When mass ended Ashlynn’s beliefs
were reaffirmed. The homily was empowering, telling her to hold true to what
she knew in her heart to be right. She was twenty-four and likely the oldest
virgin in Center County, but she believed she was guarding something for the
man she’d someday marry.

* * * *

After church she and her father
visited the local diner for breakfast and she told him all about Josh. Perhaps
hearing all the other man’s good qualities would make persuading her heart a
little less painful. The rest of the day she passed in her garden. It was dusk
by the time she returned from dropping off her harvested items at the market
and as she pulled into her driveway, she sucked in a breath at the sight of
Kelly’s truck.

Climbing out of her vehicle, she smiled
shyly in his direction. He approached her and brushed a chaste kiss on her
cheek. “Where’ve you been?” he asked.

Her resolve snapped like an old
branch. Heat pounded through her veins, burning her flesh, provoking every
nerve to lean into him and press her body to his. Stepping back in an attempt
to dispel the dizzying effect he had on her, she desperately searched for
words. What had she been meaning to say to him? “I was dropping off some things
at the market.”

“I haven’t seen you since
Friday.”

Her eyes focused on the ground as
she bustled past him in hopes of regaining her determination to do what was
right. She grabbed the empty bushel baskets from the bed of the truck and
carried them to the shed. “I’ve been around.”

The containers dropped in the
corner by the door where she usually stored them and she turned. Kelly’s lips
swallowed her startled gasp. He’d snuck up behind her and she was cornered in
the shadows, cocooned in his arms. All rational thoughts flitted away as her
body sagged in his arms while his mouth brought hers to life. He had the
incredible gift of making her insides heavy and her body lighter.

He slowly pulled away. “I missed
you,” he whispered.

A slight moan escaped her bruised
lips and she fought the urge to press up on her toes and kiss him some more.
No!

“What did you do this weekend?”
He held the door then followed her back toward the house.

Her eyes focused everywhere but
his face. “Nothing much. Worked. Saw a movie. Went to church and had breakfast
with my dad. Worked some more.”

“What movie?”

She turned on the light in her
den and went to the kitchen to wash her hands. “That new one with Nicole
Nottingham.” She shut off the faucet and she reached for the plaid dishtowel
hanging from the knob on the cabinet.

“Did you go alone?”

She stilled. Readjusting the thin
dishtowel that had been her mother’s, she faced him. When she lifted her lashes
to meet his gaze she steeled herself. He morals were at war, right versus wrong,
and that blurry place her choices landed her and Kelly. “What is it you want to
know, Kelly?”

“Did you see Josh?”

Would he leave if she told him
the truth? Was that what she wanted? His eyes guarded some emotion she couldn’t
fully identify. She swallowed. “Yes.”

“Did he kiss you?”

Indignity had her brow lowering.
There was definitely censure in his tone. Maybe if she told him the truth he’d
get mad and leave. That would be for the best, but she was too chicken to find
out. “That’s none of your business.”

His head tipped. Why did he have
to be so attractive? Was he angry or curious? “Are you planning on going out
with him again?”

“Why? Did you change your mind
about monogamy?”
Maybe he could be the sensible one, because I’m certainly
not.

He shook his head in the negative
and unexpected disappointment flooded her. If he really cared, wouldn’t it
bother him that she was dating someone else? More arrows pointing to the
obvious.

The set of his dark eyes told her
he was holding back. It wasn’t like him to be so guarded. If Kelly demanded she
only date him, she’d agree in a heartbeat. But this was Kelly and he wasn’t
looking for serious. Making such a request would suggest he wanted more and
that was one boundary he repeatedly reminded her he wouldn’t cross.

His expression blanked, hiding
away any signs of worry for what she assumed was a façade of indifference. “You
can date who you want. We’re just playing around.”

She winced. His words wounded
her, cutting right to her heart and cheapening everything they shared into
nothing more that some tawdry liaison. Stepping back, she sharpened her gaze. “Don’t
do that. Don’t act like it’s nothing. Doing so only insults both of us.” He was
never going to change.

He shrugged. “Well, whatever it
was, it must not have been much if you spent the weekend with someone else.”

She sucked in a harsh breath.
“You jerk.” The word ‘
was’
slammed into
her like a mallet to a gong, the past tense term rattling her to the core.

His act of indifference wavered
and he averted his eyes. “I’m not the one hooking up the other people.”

“You said you didn’t care!”

“Who said I was lying?”

Through clenched teeth she growled,
“How dare you? How dare you act like the other day was nothing when you know it
was more than any fast screw with some whore.” How dare he make her feel like a
whore!

“Maybe for you.”

How could he act so cold?
“Get out!”

His jaw tensed. Slowly, he looked
at her and she could barely hold his stare. For whatever reason he was being a
jerk, he clearly wanted some reaction out of her. If he needed attention this
wasn’t the way to earn it. Cruelty didn’t gain kindness in her book. Neither
did it justify lowering her standards in order to fight back. Still, she
wouldn’t stand there and be made to feel the fool.

“Ashlynn—”

“Don’t! I believed in you. I thought
you were more than the rumors. I thought…” Her voice seized, but she forced the
words out. “I thought if I was patient and gave you a chance you’d actually
prove them all wrong and be the good guy I know you can be. But that’ll never
happen. Not so long as you insist on proving them right so you never have to try
or risk letting your poor ego down.”