Choices(Waiting for Forever BK 1) (37 page)

A
S
WINTER
turned into spring, Adam started to help me with my California plans. He hated the fact that I was going, but, like Kyle, he wanted me to be as prepared as I could be. While it was too early to start looking for a job, since I wouldn’t be leaving for another four months, I could look for the types of jobs that were available to get a general idea of what I could apply for and how much I could expect to make. I started with karate instructors, since that’s what I had the most experience at, but they all wanted a brown or black belt. Not having achieved either rank, I couldn’t even apply. It was disheartening.

Adam was far more resourceful than I was. Not only did he hit all the main sites for jobs, he also used the search engine pretty effectively to find help-wanted ads in newspapers and on smaller posting sites. In addition to the searches we made for places to live, it looked like the average wage I could make would just barely pay the rent on a studio apartment in San Diego.

“Wait, let’s try this,” Adam said as he pulled up a marketplace site and did a search for roommates. “You could just get a room in a house, like a student, or maybe have a roommate. That would lower your costs and let your money go further for stuff like, I don’t know, food.” I rolled my eyes at his sardonic tone.

“Yes, I’ll have to eat, I get that. I have to get around. I have to have necessities. That’s why I’m doing this now; I want to be as prepared as I can be before I get on the bus.”

“Have you even been on a bus for any length of time?” he asked me, and the question surprised me.

“Uhm, no…,” I admitted. “I’ve never been outside of Alabama.” His face softened a little, and he leaned against the doorjamb.

“For years, especially after my dad died, we would take the bus to see my grandparents in Georgia. When I was about twelve, my mom couldn’t afford to go, and she would send me alone. She drilled into my head over and over not to get off the bus for any reason, not to talk to any strangers unless they had a nametag from the bus company, if anyone tried to touch me to scream. None of those things happened; I think she just wanted to make me hyperaware, but it was a lonely time. It was lonely during the hours on the bus and even lonelier spending a couple of weeks with virtual strangers. I haven’t done it in a while because their health is starting to fail, but it was never something I wanted to do.”

“It’s too expensive to fly or take the train. I’ll be fine,” I told him quietly.

“I still can’t believe you’re going to get on a bus, alone, and go to California with no job and no place to live. It’s insane, Brian!” He sounded almost angry as he shoved his chair back and stood up. “I’m going downstairs for a soda, do you want anything?”

“Yeah, could you bring me back one, and leave your attitude in the kitchen?”

Without another word, he walked out of the room, and I sighed.

Ten minutes passed as I waited for him to come back. With another sigh, I walked down the stairs, wondering if he’d left, and then turned the corner and walked into the kitchen. Adam was sitting at the breakfast bar with the unopened soda in his hands, his head bowed. He was hurting, and it hurt me to see it. The guy had lost his best friend to the worst possible violence, and now his new friend was just going to pack up and take off. Neither of us knew if I would ever come back.

Without thinking, I walked up and put my arms around him, pulling his slumped shoulders back against my chest. He put his hands on top of mine for a moment, a small sound breaking from him. Then he turned slowly, looking up at me. The expression on his face was so broken, I just… I couldn’t stop it.

I leaned down and brushed my lips against his. My heart broke with the betrayal, the guilt of kissing someone who wasn’t Jamie, but I couldn’t stand to see Adam’s anguish, especially since it was my fault. I felt his gasp just as clearly as I heard it, and he turned on the stool, pulling me closer. As the kiss deepened, I felt his fingers in my hair as mine dug into his back. To my surprise, I was pulling him closer rather than pushing him away. The whimper that escaped me did nothing to help the level of sexual tension that was growing exponentially in the small confines of the kitchen. It just… it felt so good to kiss him. I felt that same rush of heat I’d always felt with Jamie. It wasn’t accompanied by the familiar feeling of my heart jumping into my throat, but I hardened in my jeans just the same.

The sound of the front door opening forced us apart. Wild excitement raged in his eyes as he panted. I grabbed the second soda from the breakfast bar and ran for the stairs. Amazingly, as aroused as I was, I managed to get to the upstairs bathroom without stumbling. After slamming and locking the door, I splashed cold water on my face and neck, trying to calm down. I took a deep breath and brought the one thing to my mind that I knew would cause my erection to fade: Jamie’s hurt face when he found out what I’d done. Then another unwelcome thought came to mind. Maybe he had found someone else to care about, someone like Adam. I hadn’t heard anything from him, not a word, since he’d told me to never forget that he loved me. The inconsistency of that drove me crazy.

Finally getting myself under control, I wiped my face and hands on a small towel and went into my bedroom. Adam was waiting for me, that hopeful look still plastered on his face. He was waiting for me to say something, to say I’d stay here with him, that we could be together. I couldn’t say that, but for the first time since Jamie’s parents ripped him from my life, my resolve wavered. The choice, standing in his wire-rimmed glasses, was so clear, so close. I could stay with my parents who loved me, and a guy who obviously cared for me very much, and maybe go to college. The other choice, which suddenly seemed much more abstract, was to hop on a bus and try to find a guy I wasn’t entirely sure wanted to be found, at least by me.

Every day, it seemed, the division in my heart grew.

“Let’s get back to work,” I said quietly and turned to go back into Richard’s office. Adam stood there, clearly surprised that the kiss didn’t mean we could stop working. As understanding began to come across his face, it hardened, and his eyes went cold.

“I’m not going to help you kill yourself,” he said harshly, grabbing his jacket off the bed and walking to where I was standing at the door. “Just think about one thing. Think about how much it hurt when he left you. It’s going to hurt worse when you leave me because you’re choosing to leave.” He pushed past me and thundered down the stairs. The front door closed loudly behind him.

I sat down on the bed and stared at the models sitting on my dresser. Things had been so clear just a few months ago, before Richard and Carolyn had started the adoption proceedings, before I’d met Adam, before I’d started to fight for a life for myself. Lying back against the pillows, I put my hand over my eyes.

The knock on my door startled me, and I sat up quickly, wondering if Adam had changed his mind and come back. I was almost disappointed when I saw it was Carolyn, until I noticed her whole face was lit up in a brilliant smile.

“What is it?” I asked, wondering what could have happened to make her so happy. Instead of explaining, she handed me some papers that were tri-folded, as if they’d been in an envelope, and neatly stapled in the corner. I opened them, and it didn’t take long to figure out what they meant.

“The adoption is final,” she said softly, running her fingers through my hair. “You are officially our son on paper. You’ve been my son in my heart for quite some time before that.” I jumped up off the bed and threw my arms around her, my melancholy forgotten. In that moment, I was happy.

“I love you… Mom,” I whispered into her hair. She sobbed openly then, tears of joy that warmed me.

“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you call me that.” She was proud to have me as a son, and I could hear it in her voice. I was not born to her. She had chosen me. “Now, before I go all to pieces,” she said, pulling back and wiping her eyes, “Richard and I want to take you out to dinner tonight to celebrate. You can bring Adam if you want.”

“I don’t think he’d be interested.” I shrugged and sat back on the bed. My mom sat down beside me.
My mom.
The floodgates opened, and I told her everything. I told her how he’d tried to kiss me before Christmas, and how close we’d gotten. I told her about playing paintball, and about how good it felt just to be with him. Then I told her about kissing him in the kitchen, and I hung my head.

“When he left, he said that I was doing to him just what Jamie had done to me, only I was doing it intentionally. I didn’t mean to hurt him, Mom.” The “Mom” flowed so naturally off my tongue that it startled me. It felt like I’d been waiting to call her that all my life.

“I know, honey. I think that’s why they say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Even when we want to do the right thing, sometimes it ends up going wrong. Have you ever thought that maybe going to California isn’t the right move to make?” she asked, resting her hand on my shoulder.

I nodded.

It was the first time I’d admitted to anyone else that I wasn’t sure about my plans.

“I will stand behind whatever decision you make because you’re my son, and I love you. You know that Richard and I don’t want you to go. We want you to stay here with us, go to college, to have a good chance at life. Jamie would have wanted that too, Brian. He loved you, and he would want to see you happy. Maybe he hasn’t written or called because he wants you to get on with your life.” I looked at her, hating that what she said made sense.

“I love him,” I said, but the reasoning was starting to sound weaker and weaker, even in my own head.

“You don’t have to decide tonight. There are still four months before you turn eighteen, and two before you graduate. Let’s just go to dinner, okay?”

I nodded, trying to ignore the disturbing thought that was forcing itself to the forefront of my mind. If I wanted to apply to college, soon it would be too late. An in-state school might still accept me this late, but not for much longer. Trying not to remind myself that Adam had applied to University of Alabama, I decided I would at least consider filling out a few applications. It couldn’t hurt to be prepared for whatever happened. Even if I was accepted, it didn’t mean I had to go.

That evening, we headed out to the car as a family. I was in my nicest jeans with a blue button-down because Carolyn had decided she wanted to try the new restaurant that had just opened around the corner from the dojo. It looked really nice from the outside, and once we entered, the muted lighting and the obvious Greek theme impressed me. Vines topped almost every wall, and there were beautiful boating and olive grove prints on the painstakingly recreated stucco walls. I heard a faint shout of “Opa!” from a table near the back, and the flames on the plate startled me. I looked at Carolyn, amazed, but she just smiled. I’d never been to a traditional Greek restaurant before, and I guessed I was in for an experience.

The host showed us to a table off to the left as I tried to keep my eyes off his tight butt in the perfect pants that he wore, feeling almost guilty as I thought about Adam. If only I hadn’t been so stupid, he could have been with me, sharing this very special day with me. Maybe it was best that it was just Richard, Carolyn, and me—or, as I could officially say, my parents and me. Richard pulled out the chair for Carolyn, and we both waited until she sat down before sitting ourselves. I took one of the menus and started looking through the selections; some of the things I’d never heard of, but other items sounded really good. When our waiter arrived, I ordered a soda while Richard and Carolyn ordered wine. Richard also ordered two glasses of champagne, and my heart warmed, remembering once again why we were here.

“To my son, may he continue to grow into the extraordinary man I know he will become,” Richard said, and clicked his glass with Carolyn’s, then mine as I blushed. I wondered briefly if he really felt that way, until our gaze met and I saw that he meant every word. Richard glanced around and then handed me his glass. Tipping it up, I took a sip of the champagne. It was tart and tangy, and the bubbles tickled my nose. I’d never had any kind of alcohol before, and I liked the way it relaxed me as I finished the glass.

“Thank you both so much, for loving me and for giving me a home. I’m honored to be your son,” I said, my inhibitions a little lower than they might have been otherwise, but I had to make sure they knew. It scared me to think where I would be without them. It bothered me even more to think that I was throwing away the chance they’d given me if I didn’t go to college and try to make something of myself.

The server came again, and we gave him our order. I’d decided on lamb shish kebab while Richard and Carolyn ordered the chops. Carolyn also ordered something called saganaki as an appetizer, and before long, we had settled into a companionable silence. I still couldn’t believe how beautiful the restaurant was, and how it made me feel to be there. I wasn’t just the throwaway kid anymore; I had a family, and we were out doing a nice family thing. Of course, we’d gone out to dinner before, but never to a place like that. Even though the places we usually went were less expensive, I’d always ordered the cheapest thing I could find, hoping they wouldn’t be annoyed having to pay for me, but it felt different now. I didn’t feel like a burden to them because they had chosen me to be their son.

I looked up to see the server standing by our table again. He had a plate and a bottle on his tray, but it didn’t look like anything we’d ordered. Dousing the plate with the contents of the bottle, he grabbed the lighter I hadn’t seen and set the plate aflame. My heart rate sped a little as he let out the same cry of “Opa!” as we’d heard when we came in.  It took just a minute for the alcohol to burn off the plate, and when the flame went out, he set the plate on the table. I looked, and it reminded me of a pancake. The edges were golden brown, and it was bubbling and sizzling on the metal plate. I looked up at Carolyn, who was grinning at me.