Chosen Heart (24 page)

Breaking eye contact, Alex runs
his hand along the back of his neck; his muscles tensing in his forearms. 
That didn’t really work in my favor as Autumn eyes him, thoroughly. 
“Well, I’m glad that everyone is as eager as I am to make this year’s event a
success.  I’ll have Janice send out an e-mail with all of the updated
information.  Make sure you’re on time for your designated booths. 
Thanks again everyone.”

Waiting for the crowd to
disperse, Janice and I stay back.  I regret that decision the moment
Autumn comes rushing over.  Giggling like a teenager who just got high in
the bathroom, I suppress my overwhelming desire to back hand her. 

“I’m going to have to change my
panties because that man makes me wet just looking at him.” 
Whore!
 
“Did you see?  He didn’t pull away when I touched his arm, and yes ladies,
he’s just as hard as he looks.”  The way the word “hard” slips from her
mouth is downright disgusting.  I want to wring her neck and then tell her
that she’s a shameless whore.  And then when I’m done with her, I’d like
nothing more than to tell her what I do know about Mr. Alexander Flipping
James; about his toned physique and naked body.  But of course, all I do
is let my anger build.

Rancor courses through my veins,
making it hard to listen to Autumn’s play-by-play.  My feeling of
possession over him is ridiculous. 
He ignored you.  For four
days, Ely!  How can you even feel remotely possessive over someone who’s
probably forgotten your name by now! 
I have no right, but the vision
of Autumn anywhere near him makes me absurdly crazy.  Panic sets in and
I’ve reached my threshold of Autumn’s delusions.  One more word about
Alex’s anything and I think I’m going to lose it.  My breathing is ragged,
palms sweaty.  It’s a possibility that I might be having a panic attack. 
I need to get out of here. 
“Excuse me…I’m not feeling well.” 
Rushing towards the exit, I notice Alex glance in my direction as I leave the
room. 

Luckily, the bathroom is
empty.  Quickly, I find a vacated stall and close the door.  Placing both
my hands on the door, I let out a suppressed sob.  Tears streaming down my
face, I can no longer cry in silence.  Soft cries continue to echo
throughout the bathroom, giving no relief to my aching heart.  Only the
sound of the restroom door opening causes me to silence my cries as I pull my
hand up to cover my mouth. 
Pull it together, Ely!

“Elyssa, are you ok?”  His
sweet, empathetic voice echoes throughout the bathroom.  Alex is on the
other side of the stall, his shoes peeking from underneath the door.  I
can’t do this right now.

“Go away, Alex.  Someone’s
going to see you,” I beg.  “I know how badly your precious anonymity means
to you.”  I wouldn’t want my sorrow to be the reason he gets caught.

“Right now, I don’t care if
anyone sees me.  I need to make sure you’re okay.”

“No…but I will be.”  I sink
to the floor and hug my knees.  “I can’t be around you right now.”

“Elyssa...I…,” his voice strains,
hinting at his own discomfort. 

I can feel the dampness building,
threatening to fall from my eyes again.  “Alex, if you ever cared for
me…even in the slightest way, please leave me alone right now.”

Only the thin plastic wall
separates the two of us.  I hear a slight thump and can only picture him
resting his forehead against the door.  He whispers, “I do care I just…”

“Alex, go away!”  I sob into
my hands, unable to control the tension building in my chest.  A few
seconds pass until I hear the sound of the bathroom door opening and closing,
calming my nerves.  It takes me a few minutes, but I’m able to pull myself
up from the floor.  Who would have known that when all of this started, I
would be sitting in a bathroom stall, breaking down over a man? 
You
are better than this, Ely!
  The bathroom door opens and panic sets
in.  Is it too much to ask for him to leave me be? 

Autumn’s voice echoes, “Elyssa,
your 3:00 p.m. is waiting in the lobby.” 
Crap, I forgot about my
meeting!

I still myself wanting Autumn to
hear nothing but a confident voice in response.  “Great, can you lead them
to Conference Room A and let them know I’ll be there in 10 minutes?”

“Alright,” she closes the
bathroom door as I exit the stall and walk over to the mirror.  My face is
blotchy and my eyes are glistening with moisture.  Grasping the counter, I
take a deep breath and close my eyes as I try and push my emotions to the back
of my mind.  Glad I brought my purse to the meeting, I take out my compact
and carefully try to mask my broken heart.

~~~~~

I thought the bathroom would have
been Alex’s last fleeting effort at communication.  But, I was
mistaken.  The entire drive home, my phone has been ringing nonstop. 
Why does he keep toying with my emotions?  It’s like a game to him. 
Like a yo-yo on a string, he keeps me wound up and just lets me fall whenever
he pleases. 
Well, not anymore!
  He made it perfectly clear
that he wants nothing to do with me and although I deserve an explanation, I
don’t think my heart can bear hearing his voice right now. 

I arrive home in record time.
 My first thought is to rush into my apartment, put on my pajamas, and a
watch sappy romance.  This, of course, will put me into full depression
mode for the entire weekend and at this point I don’t care.  Maybe that is
what I need.  With my life in shambles, at least I can live vicariously
through the characters of the story. 
Oh what I wouldn’t give for my
life to be a romance novel right about now. 
If my life
had
been romantic love story, Alex would have fallen madly in love with me the
moment our eyes met at that gas station.  We would have dated, gotten
married, and had two kids.  No, instead my life is a complicated, unruly,
mess. 

I fidget with my keys,
daydreaming of how life could be as I walk sullenly towards my apartment. 
Why the fuck can’t he leave me alone?! 
My heart sinks deeper with
each step.  Approaching my front door, with those damn tears threatening
again, I take a deep breath and walk past him.  I don’t acknowledge him,
for fear I may relapse and sob for everyone to hear.

“Elyssa, stop!  We need to
talk.”  His concerned look confuses and pisses me off at the same
time.  Why now?  Why does he feel the need to worry about me? 
He didn’t care then, so he shouldn’t care now!  Anger radiates inside,
leaving the pain I felt before nothing in comparison to the rage coursing through
me.  I turn to glare at him. 

“Talk?  Are you fucking
kidding me?  I’ve been trying to
talk
to you for four
days!   Any one of those days would have been the time to
talk
. 
You chose to blow me off, ignore me, and treat me like another notch on your
belt.  Oh, and then to push the knife in a little deeper, you decide to
flirt shamelessly with that bitch in front of me!”  Alex flinches as my
words cut through. 
Good! 
He hasn’t seen this side of me;
I’ve kept her at bay for far too long.  “So, Mr. James, your time to talk
is over and now you can go fuck yourself.”

Suddenly Alex reaches over and
pulls me into his arms.  Rage still coursing through my veins, I struggle
to free myself from his hold.  “Elyssa, I’ve…”

“No, fuck you! Let me go!” I
shout.  Pushing against his chest, Alex’s grip is too tight, refusing to
release me.  “I fucking hate you.  I can’t believe I ever even
thought for a second…”  Suddenly Alex’s mouth is covering mine, his lips
moving eagerly over my mouth, his tongue searching for a sign that I’ve given
in.  A momentary lapse of judgment causes my lips to move against his, but
only for a moment.  The pain of his rejection comes rushing back to me as
I bite down on his lip, struggling to push him back.

“Fuck!  What did you do that
for?” Alex holds his hand over his mouth and then removes his palm to check for
blood. 
No such luck. 

“Stay away from me, Alex.” 
I hold out my palm to keep him at distance. 

“What do you want to do,
Elyssa?  You want to hit me?  Fucking hit me!  Get it over with
so I can finally talk to you.”  Alex screams, bringing all of my anger and
frustration from the week to the forefront of my mind.  I lunge, my hands
clench into fists as they pound against his chest, tears streaming down my
face. 

“I hate you!”  I can no
longer hide my emotions.  The pain of his rejection dripping with each
tear that falls from my swollen eyes.  “I fucking hate that you did this
to me.  I was fine before you.  Now…”  My knees buckle, but Alex
doesn’t let go.  My fists turn soft, now cradling my face as Alex holds me
tight against his chest. 

Reaching down, he replaces my
hands with his as he grips my face, forcing the kiss I’ve so desperately
wanted.  I fight the urge, but my will has been broken, my body
relinquishes the pain.  My hands reach up and fist into his hair holding
his face tight to mine; never wanting to let go.  After several minutes of
our deep, passionate kiss, he pulls away slowly, looking into my eyes before
resting his forehead against my own.

“Now that I have your attention,”
he whispers, concentrating on slowing his erratic breathing.  “What I
wanted to say is that I’m sorry…I’m sorry about so much more than the past four
days.  I know how it must appear…”

“Alex don’t…it’s too late.” 

“You have to know; I’ve been
doing nothing but think of you.”  I close my eyes, soaking in his
explanation, resting my cheek on his shoulder.  Totally ignoring me, he
better tell me more than just sorry.  I’ve been miserable, thinking the
worst, not knowing what I could have done.  No, he owes me more than
that. 

“You hurt me,” my voice breaks as
I bare my soul.  He has to know how much he hurt me; even if it means
breaking my heart again.  Tears start to gather in my eyes as I
continue.  “You’ve been so distant…I thought I did something wrong.”

Alex reaches up, pressing his
thumb against my inflamed cheek, to catch a falling tear.  “I know and I’m
sorry.  I can’t tell you how sorry I am.  I needed time to figure all
of this out.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  When you told me that I
was only the second guy….I just….I don’t know what I’m feeling or how to
control this…or what I’m supposed to do.” 
Alex is scared?
  “I
almost lost it at work.  Around you…I just don’t know how I’m supposed to
act.  Everyone’s going to see it.  They’re gonna know how I feel
about you and that scares the shit out of me.”

“You’re afraid of the same lame
co-workers who already spread gossip about you?”

“For fuck’s sake, it’s you. 
You scare me.”

I’m confused.  “I scare
you?”  I know it’s only been a few weeks, but I thought everything was ok,
until it wasn’t.  And now he’s telling me that I scare him?  What
kind of crap is this?

“All of this scares me.  I
don’t know how to be with you and what if I fuck up?  What if I hurt
you?  What if you hurt me?  That is where I’ve been, thinking about
you and what all of this means.  To you.  To me.  To us.” 

Just then, my neighbor walks by,
eyeing us in our awkward embrace.  I can tell by the sudden jolting
movement that he’s uncomfortable and it must be about that damn precious
anonymity he so cherishes. 

“Can I come in?” 
Reluctantly I nod and we both rise to enter my apartment.

“Why were you flirting with
Autumn in front of me?”  Trying to avoid eye contact, I peel off my jacket,
placing my purse and keys on the table near the front door.  He moves to
the couch, laying his jacket across the arm of the chair.

“I would never,” disgust piercing
through each word.  “What are you even talking about?”  He looks puzzled,
which gives me a glimmer of hope.  Maybe I was imagining her boisterous
laughter.  Nope.  Nice try, Alex. 

Walking into the kitchen, I grab
a napkin to clean my face and can’t help my boldness.  “Are you really
that dense?  You sat next to her, whispering in her ear.  You let her
practically fondle you right in front of me, at work of all places.”

Alex’s laugh echoes in my
apartment, which pisses me off even more.  Returning to the living room
with a look of utter resentment, his laughter is suddenly halted.  I don’t
trust myself with him, not right now, not after everything that’s happened, and
that is happening.  Distance is good.  Leaning against the kitchen
wall, I play with my lifeline attached to my middle finger, unable to look in
his eyes.  My body will most definitely deceive me.

“Hart, you thought I was flirting
with her?  That would
never
happen.  She asked me about an
account, so I told her about a meeting I had yesterday.  She found it
oddly amusing and was flirting with herself because it sure as hell wasn’t with
me.”

“You could have sat next to me,
but you chose her.  You had a choice, Alex.”  I cross my arms,
comforting and protecting myself at the same time. 

“It’s you…I would…no, I will
always pick you.  I sat next to her because I couldn’t be that close to
you and not touch you.  After four days of not being with you, it would
have been torture.” 

Pushing himself off the couch, he
is suddenly right in front of me, hands traveling urgently up the outside of my
arms taking me into a rushed embrace.  Alex trails my neck with soft
kisses, all the way up to just below my ear.  Reaching the right spot to
make me quiver needlessly, he begins to suck.  “Besides, I got to look at
the most beautiful woman during the entire meeting, even if she infuriated me
the whole time.”