Coming Undone (14 page)

“
So how are you doing?” she finally asked, and guns and shields flew up over the battle walls of his heart.

Trying to laugh it off, he made a strange sound even he didn’t recognize. “Oh, you know, I’m fine.”

Her gaze never left him as he tried desperately to find something else to look at that would help him not to feel her gaze.

“
You know, it’s all right to not be fine,” she said, her voice floating between them. “You don’t have to put on a show for me. I know this is tough.”

Ben looked over at her, taken off-guard for a moment. Quickly he looked down, afraid she could see in his eyes what he felt in his heart—his weakness, his confusion, his pain. “It is tough.” He felt her nod. “I’m just trying to figure out what comes next, you know? What to do, but then I don’t really want to think about that. I don’t want to think about making plans or anything like that, but I know I should be.”

“
You will do it in your time. It’s not a race or a test. You’ve got to do it your way, but just know, it’s overwhelming for everybody.”

“
Yeah, well, but I’m not everybody.” Anger yanked him up off the couch. It was so much easier to keep his feelings in check when it was just him. Why did she have to come in here, asking all these questions? “I’m Ben Warren. Things aren’t supposed to get to me like this.”

“
What? Ben Warren can’t be worried or scared?”

“
No.” Four feet from his right hand was his father’s foot, covered with a thin blanket. Ben didn’t look. He couldn’t. It all hurt too badly. His hero couldn’t be lying there, not like this. And now he found himself trapped. The wall on one side, her on the other. There was nowhere to run. He reached up and ran his hand over his face, pushing hard to keep all the emotions down as he turned almost completely to face the wall. But the emotions were bubbling to the surface undeterred, and he had no idea how much longer he could keep up the act.

After a long moment, he heard her moving, felt her moving, standing, closing the space between them. His whole spirit recoiled away from her. Why couldn’t she see he didn’t want to have this conversation? Why couldn’t she just leave him alone? He could hardly breathe, and it was getting worse.

“
Sometimes the world pushes us to places we can’t handle,” she said, the words flowing softly and tenderly. “When we get to that place, we realize that all of those things we thought make us so Teflon-tough don’t amount to much of anything. It feels so impossible because we don’t want anyone to think we’re weak, we don’t want anyone to see us weak. We think if somehow no one knows, if no one sees, somehow they won’t know how bad it really is, how much we’re really hurting, how scared we are, how close to the edge.”

He was holding his emotions in two white-knuckled fists, one at his side, one at his mouth.

“
But it’s all lies because the truth is we’re all hurting, and we all need someone to be there, to lean on. And more than that, we need to learn to be more gentle with ourselves. That’s not something they tell you or teach you anywhere, but it’s true.”

His whole spirit tightened at the thought. Be gentle with himself? What kind of psychobabble was that? It was a dead sure bet that he would be a complete and utter failure if he’d ever been gentle with himself… whatever that even meant. He dropped his hand from his mouth to his hip. “Yeah, well, I don’t know about that.”

“
I know you don’t. I didn’t either, but I think it’s important to see that slam-dunking yourself doesn’t do anyone including you any good….”

The door across the way snapped open, truncating her sentence. They both turned toward it as a man stepped in. Not more than 25, he looked thoroughly out of place with no white coat and no stack of official-looking papers.

Not understanding this stranger’s appearance, Ben looked to Kathryn for why he might be there. However, she didn’t move to greet the man at all. A confused second passed, and then Ben realized she wasn’t going to say anything. She obviously didn’t know him.

“
Um, can we help you?” Ben asked, stumbling over the words as he glanced at her once again.

“
Yeah, uh, I hope so.” The man with the light brown hair and smart pale blue shirt glanced at the bed. “I’m…” His gaze came back to Ben’s as recognition hit him one second before the name. “Jason Warren. Mr. Warren’s son?”

It was a question, as if he was asking if this was the right room or how to get to Bermuda. Like an explosion detonated right in front of him, Ben careened backward, caught only by his understanding that there was nowhere to go. His heart slammed inside his chest as he fought to get all the pieces to line up correctly. Was this really his brother? Was this really the child he had played with in that car and held at night as the screaming down the hallway escalated? Could he really look like an adult, all grown up like this?

Kathryn was looking at Ben presumably because she wanted some confirmation of the man’s identity. Ben had none to offer beyond vague memories that had faded even further with time.

Reaching up, Ben scratched the side of his head. “Uh, hi, Jason. It’s been awhile.”

Jason’s eyes narrowed. “Ben?”

Ben let his arms drop as he fell back on who he had been in anything approaching normal circumstances. “In the flesh.”

Why he expected Jason to be happy about that, he had no idea. However, happy never really materialized.

“
Oh, well,” Jason said, “I guess, then…” He glanced at Kathryn. “This is the right room?”

Awkwardness descended around them like a fog.

Her glance at Ben was barely there.

“
Yes,” she finally said, jumping into the situation with both feet. “Yes, it is.” She stepped across the room and held out her hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Jason. I’m Kathryn.”

“
Kathryn,” he said, shaking her hand as something very close to relief slipped across his features. He raked his fingers through his sand-colored, wavy hair, pushing it back out of his face though it wasn’t long enough to really stay there. In truth, he looked like a salesman—one of those guys who do all the work but barely make it in the company. Second or third tier at most. He glanced again at the bed. “I guess this means he hasn’t…”

Once again she took charge, leaving Ben knowing he should be saying something intelligent but having no idea what that might be. “No. He’s still with us.” She held out her hand to indicate that Jason could step over to the bed, and like the professional she was, she followed just behind him.

From across the room, Ben’s stomach was churning to the point he seriously thought he might be sick. It wasn’t that he begrudged his brother being here so much as that he couldn’t fathom why Jason could be the one to walk in and look like the good son with no more effort than that.

“
He’s not on anything?” Jason asked, looking around.

“
No.” Kathryn stood not three inches from Jason, and Ben was having a really hard time keeping his anger with them both in check. “Only pain medication if he needs it, but so far, he’s just been like this, sleeping peacefully.”

A moment, and Jason reached down and touched their father’s hand. With his head tilted and a small smile on his face, Jason looked at the figure in the bed. Then he dragged in a breath and sniffed. “Any idea how long…?”

“
That’s pretty much up to him and God at this point.”

Jason nodded, and although they weren’t six feet away, Ben felt an enormous gulf between where he stood and where they were. Was he really so bad at this that he couldn’t be like Jason? Kathryn must think he was completely heartless or that he just didn’t care. That thought stabbed his heart. It wasn’t that he didn’t care. He simply didn’t know how to care like that—like Jason and… her.

The phone in Ben’s pocket beeped, and when he turned to answer it, he caught them both looking his direction. Wishing he could disappear or walk through the wall, he pulled out the little device and punched Talk. “Warren here.”

“
Mr. Warren?” The soft female voice was thick with a Hispanic accent, and he put his finger in his other ear as if that would help.

“
Yes?”

“
Mr. Warren, this is Maria at your father’s house.”

Worry piled on worry. “Yes?”

“
Mr. Warren, the electric company just called, something about a bill not being paid. They are coming to shut the electricity off if it’s not paid, but I don’t know anything about the bills. I don’t know where they’re kept or how to pay them…”

“
Maria. Maria. Hang on. Calm down.”

The longer she talked, the faster she went, and with her accent, it was becoming more and more difficult to understand her.

“
Dios Mio! If they cut the electricity, that will mean to my house too! I will not be able to cook or clean or see…”

“
Maria!” Ben was now practically yelling even as he stuck his finger further into his other ear. “I’ll come. Okay? I’ll be there. I’ll take care of it.”

“
Oh, thank you, Mr. Warren. Thank you. I did not know what else to do, who else to call.”

“
Yeah.” The syllable was short, but it cut her off. “I’ll be there in an hour.”

When he hung up, Ben cursed his life three times and then a fourth for good measure before he had the presence of mind to remember he wasn’t alone in the room. He turned to find two concerned faces staring at him. With a half-laugh, he held up the phone. “Something’s going on at Dad’s. I guess I’d better run out there and make sure everything’s okay.” Yanking his jacket up from the side chair, he pulled it on, glad for something to do that at least looked like progress. “It shouldn’t take me more than a couple hours.”

Jason glanced at Kathryn who stood, looking at Ben with that helpless but wanting to help gaze that he hated. He ducked mostly to get away from that look but also hoping to make a clean getaway.

“
I could go with you,” Jason said as if he might get shot for the suggestion.

Ben exhaled a short laugh as he stopped. “You just got here. It’s no big deal, really. I’ll be back in no time.” His skin was crawling with the looks on their faces. They just looked too… concerned, too close. He wanted to get away from them, from here, from all of it. In fact, a wild thought traipsed through his mind—he might just get in that car and keep driving. Jason was so good at this, maybe he could just handle it all from here on out. Would anyone really miss him if he did just drive and keep on going?

“
Really,” Jason said. His seriousness punctured Ben’s attempt at levity. He glanced at Kathryn only once. “I want to.”

Where was the escape? What could he say to tell his brother he wanted no part of this little reunion? With a sigh, Ben realized that like it or not, Jason was here, and he wasn’t going to just dismiss him, even if the chance of having him around freaked him out completely. “Okay. Sure. Why not?”

Jason looked at Kathryn. “Are you coming too?”

The question hit her so full-on that she blinked to figure out the correct answer. “What? Oh, no. You two go ahead. I’ll stay.”

“
Okay.” Jason gave her another two seconds to change her mind. “Then we’d better get so we can get back.”

“
Yeah. Okay.”

Ben was really worrying her. He careened back and forth from out of control to scarily in control so fast that she could hardly keep up. Worse, in his eyes, he looked two steps from the edge, and she wasn’t sure just how long she might have to pull him back. When his father was gone, there was no reason for him to be here, and that scared her too though she was less inclined to admit that.

“
We’ll be back,” Ben said to her at the door.

Kathryn waved him off. “Take your time. We’re fine here.”

With that, they left. When they were gone, Kathryn turned to Mr. Warren in the bed. Carefully she rearranged the pillow under his head. “You have a really great son there, Mr. Warren. I hope you know that. He’s scared, but so is nearly everybody. I just hope he can find peace in all of this.” And then, standing at the bedside, she closed her eyes. “Dear Lord, please help Ben find peace. Amen.”

The little silver Mustang jumped out into the late morning traffic, and Ben held on, hoping he wouldn’t get thrown off completely. Truth was, he was doing that a lot lately—holding on and hoping he could do that long enough that he could find normal again. This was definitely not normal. In the seat next to him, far too close for comfort, sat his younger brother who looked so much like he remembered and yet nothing at all like he remembered.

It was weird how that was, but that’s how it felt. He strained not to glance over. That wasn’t easy. Instead he readjusted his sunglasses and glanced into the rearview mirror. New York. No place like it especially when your nerves were so frayed you could feel them crawling across your skin.

He didn’t know if it was nerves or the stress, but heat began pulsating from his core outward. Had he been alone, he would’ve taken off the jacket. But he wasn’t alone, and that threw what he would usually do right out the window.

“
You said an hour,” Jason said after clearing his throat. “Is this Dad’s main house or the apartment?”

“
Main house.” Ben checked the mirror again.

The conversation faded for a long moment.

“
Huh,” Jason said, “it’ll be weird seeing it again.”

This time Ben did glance at his brother and then retrained his gaze back to the road. “Do you remember it?”