Coming Undone (17 page)

“
Well, since the Power of Attorney looks to be in order, I believe we can set something up this afternoon to let you take control over the funds immediately. If you’re ready to do that…”

One more incredibly daunting step. Jason looked over to Ben, probably knowing this wasn’t his call. Ben felt the responsibility shift inexorably back onto his shoulders. “Yeah. I guess we’d better.”

“
Very well, then. I’ll go get the paperwork drawn up.”

When the man left, Kelly stepped into the room as Ben let his head go forward, caught only by his hands anchored by his elbows on his knees.

“
What’d he say?” Kelly asked Jason. It was strange how they felt like two sides of Ben’s brain talking and rationalizing as the rest of him fell apart.

“
We can get the money, and it’s plenty to be able to cover everything,” Jason replied.

“
Thank the Lord.”

“
You’ve got that right.” Jason shifted in his chair. “You know, I’ve been thinking. Didn’t Dad have an apartment too? I remember going there a couple of times.”

Kelly nodded. “Yeah. It’s about six blocks from the hospital district.”

Jason hesitated and then shifted again. “Don’t you think we should check it out? I mean, maybe the bills for it came there instead of the house.”

More problems. More issues. More junk to deal with. Ben really didn’t think he could take any more. He felt the two of them looking at him.
Make a decision, Ben. It’s time to stop acting like such a baby here. For the love of Michael, sit up and say something!

“
That’s probably a good idea,” Kelly said, glancing away from Ben, even as he stepped in for him. “Then we can head back.”

Somehow his feet were moving. Somehow his hands worked the key and let them into the darkened apartment. Somehow he wasn’t curled in a corner immobile and numb, but Ben didn’t know how that was.

“
Nice,” Jason said as they entered, and indeed, it was nice. Deep mahogany floors shone in the softly lit room. It felt old and impressive.

“
I’ll just go check the office,” Ben said, wondering who was saying that and why. It was odd how detached he felt. And to him, that was much better than feeling attached. He strode through the living area and down the hallway. Everything was as if no one had touched it in months or maybe years. Not even dust. He vaguely remembered his father getting a maid and he wondered if he still had one.

As he entered the little study, he decided that yes, the maid had been busy cleaning everything for someone who probably hadn’t been there in quite awhile. Thankfully, there were no stacks, no papers. Nothing.

It felt like a museum, set up to look like how someone would have had it if they had lived there. Ben quickly went through the desk drawers and found nothing of any interest. His mind slipped upon the thought that he would have to come clean this all out at some point, but he couldn’t face that, so he closed the drawer quietly and went back out.

“
Yeah, he’s really worrying me,” Kelly was saying down the hall. “This is not like him at all. I don’t think he’s been sleeping either.”

Ben purposely made a noise on the floor, and the conversation slammed to a stop. Fighting to look normal, he strode into the living room. “I don’t think there’s anything here. Nothing looks out of place.”

“
Oh, good.” And there was genuine relief on Jason’s face.

Kelly nodded. “Should we head back then?” He looked at his watch. “It’s almost five.”

Five? Where had that many hours gone?

“
Yeah, I guess so.”

“
Clyde’s here,” Misty said as she crossed the threshold to Kathryn’s office at ten after five. “You about ready?”

Lost in prayers, Kathryn looked up from the form she was trying to fill out. She’d been working on it for fifteen minutes and had gotten the First and Last Name written in. “Oh, I’m not quite done yet.”

“
You’re never done yet.”

“
Ha. Ha.” Kathryn wrinkled her nose and then fought to get a smile onto her face. “You better go on without me. I’m just going to finish up here for awhile.”

“
Dr. Martin’s not coming, is he?”

If she’d had something to throw, she would have. “Ha. Ha. I just really need to get this filled out so I can skip out and go to Mrs. Baker’s funeral in the morning.”

Misty lost the happy-go-lucky stance and slumped against the door. “Oh, yeah. That’s tomorrow, huh?”

Bending her head back over the paperwork, Kathryn nodded. “Yeah, that’s tomorrow.”

“
Well, okay, but don’t stay too late, they might not let you escape.”

“
I’ll try not to.”

Misty backed up.

“
Drive carefully,” Kathryn called.

Misty ducked back into the room. “You too.”

And with that, she left. For one moment Kathryn considered following her friend. What was she planning to do, stay all night? What if they didn’t come back tonight? The concern over what was taking them so long washed through her again. “Dear Lord, please be with him—with them.” Then she shook her head to clear it of the thoughts and went back to work.

“
I really think our best plan of attack is for me and Jason to go back to the house tonight and sort through everything,” Kelly said as they walked up to the hospice doors. The late afternoon sun was blazing as post-five-o’clock snarled traffic snaked by on the roadway beyond.

The closer they got to those doors, the shakier Ben’s legs felt, and his insides wobbled like unset Jell-o. If only he didn’t have to do this… He opened the outside door and let the two of them cross in front of him. One more second to stall the inevitable. The gold tones of the walls and carpet wrapped around his senses, probably because he was no longer really taking in details anymore. Everything had become one, big, giant blur.

He followed the other two into the hospice unit and through the lobby as his mind went the other way—down the hallway to the chapel. How he wanted to feel her arms around him again. Shaking his head at the sheer absurdity of that thought, he crammed his hands in his pockets. It wasn’t like that between them, and it never would be. Moreover, she was not what he was looking for. She was stable and compassionate. The truth was she’d be smart to run the other direction.

Then he wondered why he was even thinking about her at all. It must be about being in this building and needing something to hold onto. His fists balled inside his pockets.

At least he could keep them from shaking too. It was immensely difficult to breathe all of a sudden. That door in the corner and all the horror it held behind it tilted off-square in his mind. He closed his eyes, fighting the waves of fear washing over him. How could he ever survive this? He wished he could go talk to her, but then he realized with his last breath of sanity that she was long since gone. It was, after all, almost six. He couldn’t account for that many hours. He couldn’t even account for the last five minutes.

“
Has there been any change?” Jason asked the young brunette nurse as she stepped out of that door. Ben pulled up short behind his brother, ducked his head, and ran his hand over his jawline that felt like a porcupine. He tried to remember the last time he had shaved. It was a memory he couldn’t pull up.

The nurse jumped, startled by their approach but quickly regained her composure. “Oh, uh. No. No change.”

“
Can we go in?” Jason asked, taking the lead that Ben had somehow relinquished.

“
Sure. Sure.”

As she passed, Ben kept his gaze on the carpet at his feet. He felt like a skunk, too wrapped up in himself to do what he should be doing. The other two went through the open door as if it took nothing, and Ben hated himself for how hard that simple act was for him. He closed his eyes, squeezing them to get his feet moving. He forced the air into his lungs. It hurt. He had let his father down in the worst way, and now he was going to again. It was like being on treadmill that kept coming around to the same moment over and over and not being able to get off. He let out a long breath, steeled his determination, and got his feet moving one more time.

“
Ms. Walker?”

“
Yes, Sonia?” Kathryn looked up from the book propped on her desk. It was one she had meant to read several months ago when she’d gone to the conference on End of Life Issues. She’d never had time until now, and now it seemed she had nothing but time.

“
The Warrens just got back.”

The chair crashed onto the spring beneath her. “Oh, thanks, Sonia. Thank you.”

“
You’re welcome.” The young nurse ducked back out.

Suddenly Kathryn felt all undone. Her blouse was hopelessly wrinkled from the day’s activities, and her hair was coming down too. Good grief, she looked a mess. Quickly she readjusted herself as much as possible, slipped her shoes back on, and grabbed for her suit jacket. Once ready, she closed her eyes and breathed a final prayer for him—for them. It was always such a challenge to remember to include the others, and she was sure that was not good.

Not having time to dwell on it, she strode out and locked her door.

“
Oh, Kathryn,” Clyde said from across the hall, his door open as always, “you’re still here?”

She put her hand on the doorjamb, vowing not to go in. Clyde had a way of making five minutes turn into two hours. “I’m just going to run down and check on the Warrens. They’ve been out all day, and then I’m taking off.”

“
Well, don’t let me keep you. Hot date tonight?”

“
Very funny. Be good.”

“
Always.”

She laughed and turned to head down to that last door. It occurred to her then how nervous she was. That was silly. What was there to be nervous about? She had talked to hundreds of families in this situation. Still, the closer she got to that door, the more she had to force her feet to keep moving. Probably no one on the outside would ever know the struggle inside her or that this felt like anything but a professional call. That was good because inside, it felt like anything but.

Carefully she opened the door. “Knock. Knock.”

Three gazes snapped to her from various points around the room. Jason was closest, standing next to the bed. Kelly and Ben sat across the way on the couch. Instantly Kelly was on his feet. Although Kathryn glanced at the others, her heart snagged on Ben, sitting there, looking like death itself.

“
Please, sit,” she said, tripping on the words and trying not to focus only on Ben. “It’s just me.” Her only hope was to get her focus on the others, so she walked up to the bed and put her hand on Jason’s back. “How’s he doing?”

If there had been anything in his stomach to throw up, Ben would have. The ache tore through him as he watched her comfort Jason with that same gentle touch she had used with him. He suddenly felt like an idiot. Here all along he had thought she was that nice to him because she liked him. What a joke. What a stupid fool he was for even letting his stupid mind think that.

Hot anger flashed into his soul, and he let it melt there because it felt good.

“
Kelly.” Kathryn came over, offered her hand to his friend and then hugged him when he stood. Jason followed her over. When Kelly let her go, she looked down at Ben. “Ben.”

“
Hey.” But he hardly lifted his gaze. She probably thought he was an idiot too. Had he done anything to show her how he felt? Well, he had followed her into the chapel that time… Ugh. He slammed his eyes closed.
Make it go away, God. Please. Make it go away.

“
Did you get everything taken care of?” she asked, presumably to the other two because he was completely uncommunicative. He wanted to lash out at her that it was none of her damned business what they got done or didn’t get done. What did she care anyway? She didn’t. She was just being polite, and that angered him even more—why he couldn’t quite articulate, but it did.

“
Yeah,” Kelly said. “It turned out to be a bigger headache than we thought.”

“
Oh, yeah?”

“
I don’t think Dad’s been in very good shape for a couple of months,” Jason said. “He hasn’t been paying bills or keeping up with much of anything…”

“
Say it!” Ben came right off the couch, and all three gazes jumped to him in surprise and alarm. “You’re all thinking it. I don’t know why you don’t just say it! I should have seen what was happening. I should have known. I should have done something.”

“
Ben, dude.” Kelly put his hand out.

“
Don’t dude me. And stop talking about me as if I don’t have ears. I’m sick of it. You hear me? Sick of it!” Air. He had to get air, and there was none in this stifling room. His feet were going before he knew he was leaving. But he didn’t contradict them. Just let them walk. Walking felt good. Running would feel even better.

“
Ben. Ben!” Kelly called, but he wasn’t stopping no matter what.

He wrenched the door open, and when he was out, he just kept going.

“
I knew it,” Kelly muttered when Ben was gone.

Kathryn, one step from following him, stopped. “Knew what?”

Kelly shook his head, his dark eyes flashing. “I knew he wasn’t handling this very well. I knew it when I saw him this morning, and them bills…” He let out a hard breath. “That boy is in bad shape. He hasn’t eaten, and I swear he hasn’t slept decent since he got the news.”