Confessions Of A Vampire (9 page)

As I moved against him frantically he gave into his own release and with a low, deep growl exploded inside of me. We stayed there against that wall, clinging to each other for what seemed an eternity before either of us could move.

His lips met mine in a tender kiss as he lowered me to my feet. I did my best to straighten my dress as he pulled his pants up. Neither of us wanting this to end, both knowing it had to. We each belonged to another.

I pushed past him in silence and slipped out of the room. Taking the back door I ran. I needed to be as far away from him and the feelings that had resurfaced as quickly as possible. Taking the woods, I ran at vampire speed, jumping over the river as I raced toward the cottage.

Reaching the back wall, I finally slowed. Standing in the darkness, the emotions and realization of what I'd done caught up to me and I could no longer hold back my tears. I was emotionally spent and I felt a hunger for him that scared me. This was not supposed to have happened. This was wrong, on so many levels but I couldn't change it.

And in the corners of my mind, in places hidden from the world, I knew that I'd do it all over again, given half the chance. I loved him. I loved him more than made sense and in those moments when he wasn't guarded, he loved me. I felt it. I felt it as surely as I felt his hands still on me.

I pushed the thoughts out of my head and let myself into the one place I still felt him. He was everywhere in my cottage and this was my retreat. I found his shirt, the one I'd worn the night he left, in the bottom drawer of my dresser, buried underneath sweaters and t-shirts I never wore. Shrugging into it, I breathed in his scent, allowing it to offer me comfort.

Collapsing on the bed in tears, I cried for all the things we'd lost. I cried for the quiet times we'd spent together. I cried for the nights we spent dancing in the kitchen in our bare feet. I cried for everything we'd never share again.

As dawn broke, I slipped into downtime with him still in my thoughts.

I avoided every one for days after that. Draven left message after message on my voice mail and I deleted them without bothering to listen to them. I didn't want to see him or speak to him. Not now, not ever again.

I knew it was wrong to feel that way, but he wasn't Severus and he'd never be him. I felt I was wasting my time with him and it worried me that I could so easily use him for companionship without a thought about his feelings.

Eight days passed before I reemerged. I still didn't think I was ready to face the world without the demon, but I had to show
my
face soon or people would be beating down my door. So I ventured out, hoping that I wouldn't run into him all the while praying that I would.

I was slowly losing my mind and felt so lost without Severus by my side that I was just going through the motions of living. As I sat at the bar of my favorite vamp establishment, I caught the tail end of a conversation and felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest.

Severus had just that day announced he was off the market and in a monogamous relationship with the witch. I couldn't control the bloody tears as my head dropped into my hands.

Several blood martinis later, I was numb enough to not care about the scene I was about to make when he came strolling in. My eyes danced with a rage I'd never felt before and I focused on him. Swaying unintentionally I walked over and slapped him.

He caught my wrist in his hand, tightening it around me so that pain shot up my arm.

“
I fucking hate you,” I hissed.

“
Don't do this, babe. Not here.” His voice was calm and that angered me even more.

“
Fuck you. Why are you here? You're not a vampire and that little witchy poo of yours sure the fuck doesn't belong here. Go back to your own kind.” I spit my words at him.

Dragging me forcefully out of the bar he pushed me towards the dark alleyway and shook me with force.

“
Stop this, Sun.”

“
Why? So you can feel good about lying to me? Have you told her you love her, Severus? Have you told her the things you whispered in my ear the night you fucked me at that party? Does she know that she's your second choice?”

“
Sun, please don't do this. I don't want to hurt you.”

My laughter sounded insane, even to my own ears. “Too late there, demon. Now let me go, I have a vampire that actually does love me waiting for me.”

I jerked free of him and tore off towards home. Waking the next evening I was ashamed of what I'd done and felt I owed him an apology at least.
I’d have found any excuse I could to go to him. I just couldn’t stay away from him.

Knocking on his door was the tough
est thing I'd done in centuries and
I considered running multiple times in the seconds it took for him to open the door.

“
I wouldn't blame you if you slam the door in my face.” I spoke quickly hoping he'd hear me out. “I'm sorry. I really am.”

“
There is no need for an apology, Sun. I know you're hurt by this, but you've moved on and so have I.”

I searched his face, trying to feel if he was sincere through the bond and felt nothing.

“
Have you really?”

His nod didn't convince me and I pushed the issue.

“
Are you being honest with yourself? Tell me you don't miss me and I'll leave now and never come back.”

His silence hung between us.

“
You can't, can you? Do you miss me? Even just a little?”

Opening the door, he stood back and motioned for me to come in and I brushed past him
,
turning to face him as the door closed.

“
I miss you more than I can express, babe.”

“
Then fix it. Tell her what we both know. Tell her that you love me.”

“
I can't do that.”

“
Can't or won't?”

“
Both.” I could tell there was more to this than he was letting on and wanted to push the issue but the warning in his eyes stopped me dead in my tracks.

“
I can't live without you.” I let him see how much I was hurting. I wanted him to feel it. I wanted him to understand how nothing made sense without him and how empty I felt inside.

He drew me into his embrace and I rested my head on his chest. For the first time in days I felt alive.

I heard his voice in my head say the things he couldn't voice aloud.

“
I feel the same, but you have to go back to him. I can't give you what you need, Sun. I'm not who you think I am.”

“
I don't want him. I want you. I've always wanted you.”

What I did next wasn't
the
best decision I'd made in my existence but it was a decision that would eventually change everything.

I took his hand and led him back to his bedroom. For the next three days we hid there, avoiding reality. In those three days we were us again. Our laughter came easily and we were close again. We made love and spent hours lounging in bed together. The world outside of those walls didn't exist but soon reality would rear her ugly head and we'd be forced to live a lie again.

I wrenched myself out of the memory, not wanting to feel the pain of that time anymore. Sitting there I flooded the bond to my husband with how much I loved him and how thankful I was that he'd come to his senses.

He suddenly appeared next to me, causing our guest to fall off the couch. Severus filled his kiss with all of his love for me and I knew we'd be okay, no matter how often we were apart. A love like ours didn't happen very often and we'd fought too long and hard to be here in this place to ever let silly arguments tear us apart.

Holding his hand, I conveyed how much he meant to me. His smile warmed my heart and the world seemed right again.

We were still gazing into each
other’s
eyes when our son appeared in the room. Malachi was close to five years old but he looked about twenty-one. I saw the questioning look on Aaron's face when Mal called us Mom and Dad.

“Time moves differently in Hell,” I explained to Aaron. “And Mal spent a lot of time there when he was little. Not by choice, but because he was protected there. And with Sev gone, he needed more protection than I could offer at the time.”

Malachi smirked and noticed our guest for the first time. He didn't bother to speak to him, choosing instead to ask his Dad for a moment of his time. As they left the room, I smiled at their backs, settling back to tell Aaron about that time.

Chapter
Eleven

Malachi was only a few days old the first time Sev took him to Hell for a visit. Being part demon he was welcomed there by most of Sev's kind, but there were a few that would rather him be destroyed than allow a half demon half vampire in their realm.

Sev had often cautioned me that vamp
ires were toys to demons. I
n their world, we were nothing more than a quick fuck and a quick kill. That concerned me greatly when he wanted to take our son there, but I had to trust that Sev wouldn't allow anything to happen to him.

The house seemed oddly empty and quiet without a baby in it. I wasn't used to that anymore and
I
really wanted them home. I didn't expect him to return a toddler
when they did
and for a split second I thought Sev had brought the wrong child home with him.

I looked at my husband in utter disbelief when he told me that the dark curly haired little boy with big blue eyes who ambled after him was our son. He explained how one day in Hell was equivalent to six months in the mortal realm and having stayed four days, my little Malachi was now two years old.

Blinking at him I picked our little boy up and smiled as he hugged me around my neck and licked my cheek. His voice was bubbly and excited as he described his time in Daddy's world to me.

“
Mommy, Daddy letted me play with the souls in the pits. Him said that I could take souls there when I gets bigger like hims. I meeted hims creator and Grandpa Luci gived me a blood lolllipop. Can I goes back there soon, Mommy?”

I laughed loudly at how excited he was and nodded. “Of course you can, Little Evil.”

“
You will comes with us next time, Mommy?”

“
No, I can't
,
honey,” I explained as I sat him down. He ran off to play without further questions and I looked over at my husband with sadness shining brightly in my eyes. Sev didn't need to speak to offer me support. His look said it all and I understood that it pained him to know that I'd never be welcomed in his world.

A few nights later, that would become the least of my worries.

I
arose
to find him gone, which in and of
it
self wasn't unusual
,
but something felt wrong this time. I couldn't seem to shake this weight that pressed down on
me that something was different about this time but
I went about my life as I always did when he was away, awaiting word from him through the bond.

Then one night about a week later, I woke in a panic. He'd closed the bond. I couldn't feel him anymore and my first thought was that he was dead. But I'd been through the death of a bonded, my maker,
and the feeling wasn't the same.
To lose a bonded is like losing yourself, like your emotions and feelings just vanish into thin air and you're left empty and dead inside.