Conquering Chaos (10 page)

But it was even harder to imagine bringing an innocent child into all that chaos and
telling ourselves we’d done the right thing. And that was why the harder they fought
us, the more we stuck to our decision. That was even truer once we started the adoption
process and got to know the amazing couple we chose to adopt our baby. Every possible
sign in the universe told us we were doing the right thing by doing different.

Catelynn:

Of course, it’s easier to explain all this in retrospect. It really was chaos at the
time. Sometimes we’d be lying in bed and we’d be like, how the hell did this happen
to us? How are our parents married? How are we in this situation? We were in the middle
of a tornado. We were just waiting for a piece of debris to fall on us.

It really wasn’t until later that I started to fully understand the value of my decision,
and the meaning of breaking the cycle. My dad’s mom had him when she was sixteen.
My dad had his son when he was sixteen. My mom’s mom had her at sixteen. My mom had
me at nineteen. And then I had Carly at seventeen.

They’ve all struggled their whole lives, paycheck to paycheck, and I was the only
one who chose a different option. One night after it was all said and done, my dad’s
mom said to me, “Catelynn, I’m so proud of you for breaking the cycle.” That was the
first time I realized, “Wow, I kind of did.”

Adoption is not an easy decision, but sacrifice isn’t supposed to be easy. Doing the
right thing is usually harder than the wrong thing. And for most parents, the idea
that the “right thing” means placing your child with another family goes against every
natural instinct there is. For a mother who’s dreamed of nurturing a child all her
life, it’s almost unimaginable at first. Maternal instinct can be one of the strongest
forces there is. It’s like that for almost every animal on the planet. Mother bears
will kill to protect their cubs, but they don’t drop them off with other bear families
when their habitat gets destroyed. There’s a real natural instinct separate from all
logic and reason, and you can’t mute that instinct with a list of pros and cons.

So we understand why some of our family members struggled with our decision. We struggled
with it, too. But that’s why at every step of the way, we had to remind ourselves
to think of what was best for the baby. That child did not ask to be brought into
this world. Children and babies are the most innocent, vulnerable, helpless creatures
on the planet. They’re relying on you for everything. Their lives will be defined
by the choices made by the adults around them.

So we made this choice. We chose a better life for our child. That was the greatest
expression of love we had to give.

Now that we’ve talked for so long about the dark side of our sacrifice, it’s time
to let the bad memories rest for awhile. Let’s not forget that this is a story of
hope. And for every shadow along the way, there were beacons of light that supported
and guided us down the path we believed in. Each of us had one parent who was against
our decision, but each of us had another parent who had our backs for the long haul.
Once we started down the road to adoption, we got to know more people who offered
us the advice and reassurance we needed to navigate this unexpected and completely
unfamiliar journey.

Yes, we were making a sacrifice. And yes, it was difficult. But as we were able to
see through our own grief and frustration, we also saw the beauty and love that unfolded
as a result of our choice. Because we chose adoption, and thanks to the guidance of
our adoption counselor, we were able to make a life plan for our child that provided
her with all the stability and opportunity we could dream of. At the same time, we
were able to help grant a wonderful couple’s biggest wish by giving them their first
daughter.

We had already had a glimpse of adoption a year before when someone close to us had
almost placed her child with an adoptive family. That was more of an education than
most people in our position usually had. But experiencing it ourselves was another
thing completely. Every stage was more intense than the next: Meeting the adoption
counselor, searching for the perfect adoptive parents, checking into the hospital,
and signing over custody over our parents’ objections.

And in the middle of it all was a beautiful baby girl, completely innocent, surrounded
by people who loved her enough to make sure she had the best chance she could have
at an awesome life.

You may or may not have noticed that when we talk about adoption, we try to use positive
language. Some of the most common expressions people use when they talk about adoption
actually have some really negative connotations. Specifically, we ask that people
take a minute to consider the meanings of the phrases “We gave our child up for adoption,”
or “We put our child up for adoption.”

First of all, that phrase “give up” has a really negative feeling to it, doesn’t it?
When you “give something up,” it sounds like you’re either quitting, or letting go
of something you’ve decided you don’t need. It makes adoption sound like giving away
a pair of shoes you don’t have room for. Even just the words “give up” sound like
the opposite of hope. For all those reasons, “You gave your child up for adoption,”
even though it’s common, is something adoption educators discourage.

The terms “put up for adoption” sound nicer, but that expression actually has really
dark origins. It goes back to the “orphan train” days of the eighteen-hundreds. Back
then, missionaries would take poor children (not necessarily orphans) out of city
slums and put them on trains headed West. The trains would stop at different cities
and the children would be “put up” on the train platform. The locals would crowd around
to see if there was a kid on the platform they wanted to adopt. The children who didn’t
get picked went on to the next stop. At best it was an early foster care system. At
worst, it was a way for farmers in the West to pick up an extra worker. In any case,
we try to do things better now.

Adoption has come a long way since then, even since just a few generations ago. Back
in the 1950s, unexpected pregnancies were often handled in really shady ways. In many
places, pregnant teenage girls would be shipped off to “boarding schools” where they’d
finish out their pregnancy only to have their child whisked away from them, never
to be seen again. That’s why old-fashioned stories about adoption often involve a
birth mom or adopted parent who have no way to find each other. But things have changed
so much since then. Laws and regulations have been passed to legitimize adoption procedures
and give everyone involved control over every step of the process. A parent who chooses
to make an adoption plan has no reason to expect a scary, secretive experience that
will leave them confused or helpless.

Things have changed. Modern adoption is a positive thing, so we try to stay away from
the old negative language. Instead of saying “We gave our daughter up for adoption”
or “We put our child up for adoption,” we say “We placed our daughter for adoption”
or “We made an adoption plan for our child.” Using positive language reflects that
adoption is a purposeful choice involving a careful plan for the benefit of the child.

It can be awkward to replace a phrase you’re used to with a new one, but hopefully
by the time you’ve read our story, you’ll agree that the positive language is a way
better fit for what adoption really means.

Tyler:

When I was fifteen, my sister found out she was pregnant. She’d graduated from high
school just three days before. It was not a happy surprise. She was a popular girl
and a high achiever, and she had big plans to head for college and make something
of her life. On top of that, she was no longer with the father, who had major anger
issues. Nothing about the situation was ideal, to say the least. When she found out
she was pregnant, she was freaking out.

She told my mom what was going on, and after my mom had her own freak-out, they started
to discuss the options. In my sister’s mind, there was no way she could take care
of this baby; there was no chance the father would make a suitable parent, and besides,
she had all of these plans for her life. So when my mom suggested making an adoption
plan, my sister jumped for it immediately.

My mom helped her get the whole adoption set up. We drove down to Florida and met
the couple who were hoping to adopt the baby. Everything was ready to go, right up
to the day my sister gave birth.

Catelynn:

I was there at the hospital for the whole intense experience. The adoptive couple
was there with the car seat and everything, ready to go. They fed Tyler’s niece her
first bottle, and they were all set to go home. We hung out with that family for three
days. But Tyler’s sister had struggled with her decision, and in the end, a new boyfriend
talked her out of it in the hospital. It was devastating for the couple who had gotten
all their hopes up. But it happens that way sometimes. Tyler’s sister was a nineteen-year-old
girl who’d just given birth and was recovering from her C-section, and she was vulnerable
to those second thoughts. She just couldn’t go through with it.

Tyler:

I remember the couple breaking down in tears. They were devastated. It was a tragic
moment all around, but at the same time, I had my sister’s back. Whenever she’d seemed
indecisive, I was really worried about her being pressured one way or another. I was
always telling people to back off. In the end she just didn’t have enough peace with
the adoption decision to resist this guy talking her out of it. She had to go with
what she felt at that moment or risk regretting something forever. It was a rough
moment, for sure.

Catelynn:

That entire experience was fresh in our minds when I got pregnant. We’d both had an
up-close and personal look at adoption, and that was our main inspiration. When we
realized we wanted to look into adoption for ourselves, Tyler’s mom called and made
an appointment for us just like she’d done for his sister. Soon enough we were sitting
down with Dawn, our adoption counselor.

Tyler:

One of the first things we discussed with Dawn was the different types of adoption
we could go with. There are open, semi-open, and closed adoptions. Both open and semi-open
adoptions involved contact between the birth parents and the child. The main difference
between a semi-open adoption and a complete open adoption is that a semi-open adoption
doesn’t allow for face-to-face visits, while in an open adoption you actually get
those physical meetings. A semi-open adoption involves photos and other kinds of communication,
but not face-to-face contact.

Dawn told us the options, and at that first meeting, we looked at each other and said,
“We definitely want it closed.” We had our minds on a clean break in the beginning.
We thought it would be better to have absolutely no involvement. We eventually started
to soften up and thought we might have photos sent to my mom, and then my mom could
hold onto them until we were ready.

Catelynn:

As we went back and forth on that part of the decision, I remember Dawn looking us
in the eyes and saying, “You guys need to try and understand that this is going to
be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life.” We thought we got that, but we
didn’t. We couldn’t. She did, though. And what she made sure to do was to make it
clear that we were in complete control of the situation. She said, “You get to pick
everything that you want for your child.” Bethany Christian Services is very focused
on what the birth parents want for the child. They’ll do anything to help the birth
parents.

Dawn even told us that we could go through the adoption agreements and add whatever
we wanted in between the lines. She said we could do everything in pencil so we could
erase it at any time if we started to feel uncertain or changed our minds about the
terms. She thoroughly explained that we were in the driver’s seat and we were the
ones who would choose what happened with our child. The agency was extremely invested
in the birth parents and what they want.

And if we changed our minds completely? That was all right, too. Dawn always told
us: “There’s nothing wrong if the day at the hospital comes and you decide this is
not what you want after all. That wouldn’t make you a bad person.”

Tyler:

Of course, the adoptive parents have to be prepared for that possibility, too. Adoptive
parents have to go through a lot. They have to take all these classes and go through
a year of random visits from social workers who will stop by to see how things are.
They have to write practically a whole book about their lifestyle, their family goals,
the way they run their homes. They go through background checks and couples’ therapy-type
investigations to look at how they get along as a married couple. Because of all that,
it’s not unusual for adoptive parents to wait up to five years to get a child.

They also go through classes for grief and loss in case the birth parents change their
minds, and they take classes about what the birth parents go through so that they
can understand the thoughts and feelings on the other side. There are tons of counseling
and therapy elements to help prepare them for the possibility that the adoption doesn’t
go through.

Catelynn:

During our talks with Dawn we came up with a list of things that we hoped to find
in the adoptive family. We wanted them to have been together for a long time. We wanted
them to be involved in their church. We were hoping to find a couple who were unable
to have their own child, because we thought it would be such an amazing gift for them,
and reinforced our idea that they would really cherish our child. We didn’t want the
couple to have any other kids because we wanted our daughter to be their first. We
wanted the mom to be a stay-at-home mom. We had tons of points that we wanted.