Conquering Chaos (11 page)

Bethany Christian Services has a website where you can look at every single adoptive
family that they have in every state. Tyler and I spent hours with his mom going through
families in every state but Michigan — we thought having her in our own state would
be too hard. We went through and read the entire biographies of these couples. Eventually
I worked out a list of ten people I’d narrowed down, and I put stars next to the ones
that I really liked. And the ones who really jumped out were Brandon and Teresa.

Reading Brandon and Teresa’s biography, I just fell in love with them. They had been
married for seven years, they’d traveled the world, they had college educations, and
they were involved in their church. On paper, they were perfect. But what really cinched
it was the video. They were the only couple on the list that had included a video
in their biographies, and that gave us a chance to actually see the environment that
our child could possibly grow up in.

In the video, Brandon and Teresa sat together on their porch and expressed their gratitude
to the birth parents who had taken the time to look at their profiles. They explained
how badly they’d yearned for a child, which they were unable to have on their own.
It showed them at church, spending time with their family and friends, and people
around them speaking to the camera about how much this couple deserved to have a child
so much. I’ll never forget this little boy in the video who prayed every night for
Brandon and Teresa to get a baby from God. There was a friend on the video who had
tragically lost a child, and explained how Brandon and Teresa had invested so much
time and compassion into helping them through that horrible loss. There was obviously
so much warmth and kindness between these people and in their world.

Tyler:

It was amazing, too, to see the actual house and the physical environment that they
were hoping to bring a child into. We got to watch them moving around through the
house, showing where the nursery would be for a boy, and what it would be for a girl,
the living room, the kitchen. That was really reassuring.

When I got home that day to join Catelynn and my mom, she already had her top ten
possible adoptive parents for us to go through. And she showed me the one with the
video first. Once I saw it, I said, “I don’t need to see anymore. That’s them.” She
said, “We have nine more to look at!” And I said, “No. That’s them. This is who we’re
supposed to have.”

And we did. We just knew. Maybe it sounds weird. But we spent all this time going
through all these hundreds of possible parents, so many of whom were obviously amazing
people with wonderful homes. And when we found the right ones, it hit us in the chest
like a ton of bricks. The rightness of the choice could not have been more obvious.
When we knew, we knew. It was so weird. To be able to plan it out and find the people
who fit everything we wanted for our kid was such an amazing experience.

Catelynn:

So we told Dawn that we found a couple that we liked, and she set up a meeting with
them. We met with them at Bethany Christian Services, and we all sat down and talked
about their jobs and their lives. We discussed how we wanted to send gifts and things,
and talked about how open they wanted to be and we wanted to be. After we met at Bethany,
we went to Starbucks and hung out for a few hours. We didn’t look at anyone after
that. We just knew these were the people we were going to go with. We had total peace
with that decision.

Tyler:

I’ll never forget the first moment we walked into the room to meet them. I went in
first and said hello and shook hands, and Cate-lynn came in right after me. As soon
as Teresa saw Catelynn, she just pulled her into a hug and held her tight for what
seemed like fifteen minutes straight. They were totally silent. It was this magical,
emotional, special moment. Teresa was hugging the woman who was carrying what could
possibly be her child. And to see the love that she had for Catelynn, and to see her
extend it so openly, was amazing. That connection was there. To us, and to our daughter.

Catelynn:

After that meeting, we just rolled forward. We never had a single moment of doubt
that we had chosen the right parents for our child. I’m not even sure Brandon and
Teresa knew what to make of the peace we had with our decision. I can remember many
times during the pregnancy when we’d be talking to them on the phone and we could
hear the nervousness on their end. They were so afraid to get their hopes up in case
we backed out. They didn’t want to get too close to us just in case. But I would always
tell them, “You guys, don’t be afraid. I’m not going to change my mind. You’re going
to go home with her. There’s no reason to fear.” I always tried to uplift them and
make sure they knew. They probably thought I was crazy. They had gone through a loss
before when birth parents had changed their minds, so they were on their guard.

Tyler:

There’s a difference between the loss we feel placing our child, and the loss they
risk of the birth parents backing out. As birth parents, we have control over the
decision to hand the care of our child over to these parents we’ve vetted. And the
sense of loss involved in that is huge, make no mistake. But the adoptive parents
have a difficult experience, too. Especially considering the couples who are unable
to conceive. It’s very difficult for many people to come to terms with the fact that
they can never have a biological child with the person they love, and that in itself
can carry a lot of grief and sadness.

It was important for Catelynn and me to put ourselves in their shoes and understand
where they were coming from. The whole adoption process, especially in an open adoption,
is an ongoing experience. We’re still getting to know each other, still building and
developing trust. It can get difficult at times. People are very sympathetic to us
online. But fewer step back to think about what the adoptive parents go through. They
have to put their entire family plan in some teen-ager’s stomach, and that’s an incredibly
vulnerable thing for them. It’s important to remember what they go through just as
much as what the birth parents go through.

Catelynn:

I think God knew what I was doing for Carly, so he decided to make the pregnancy easy
for me. Besides morning sickness, I had back pain. But other than that, my pregnancy
was awesome. I loved being pregnant with Carly. I wanted to keep her in there forever.
It doesn’t bother me at all! I could probably be a surrogate mother and just be pregnant
all the time.

Giving birth was a little scarier, at least for a minute there. The idea of giving
birth didn’t seem totally real until I got to the hospital. Because we wanted everyone
to be there at the same time, I had scheduled a day to be induced. The fear suddenly
hit me when I put the hospital gown on. Then I thought, “Whoa, I don’t want to do
this at all.” After carrying her for so long, the idea of not having her in there
was terrifying to me. But you can’t exactly turn around and run out the door. There
was definitely no going back at that point.

Once we got started, I settled down. They induced me and broke my water and stuff,
and the birth went smoothly, too. But, man, does that crap hurt. You can’t even explain
it. I’m not a pain person. I’ve never broken a bone or had any extreme pain (knock
on wood), and I was not prepared for that. As soon as they offered me the epidural
I was like, “YES! Give it to me!” After that I was fine. And once the whole thing
is over, you don’t feel anything. Some crazy hormone thing kicks in and you sort of
forget the pain. Which is good, because otherwise, a lot of people probably wouldn’t
go back for seconds.

I was in labor for about four hours, pushed for eighteen minutes, and she was out.
When I was pushing, I heard Tyler’s mom going, “You’re a baby-making machine, Cate!
You’re a baby-making machine!” Our daughter Carly was born at ten thirty-nine in the
morning. Seven pounds, four ounces; twenty two inches long.

Tyler:

My mom was supportive of adoption the whole time, and so was Catelynn’s grandma, her
dad’s mom, who flew from Florida to be with her for the birth. She had to skip her
other granddaughter’s graduation to come and be with Cate, which obviously meant a
lot to us. Her dad wasn’t able to be there, which was really hard on him, but he was
there in spirit. And my mom and Cate’s grandma were really the ones who stood by us.
They were crying with us, holding us up and reminding us constantly that we were doing
the right thing.

We had this whole plan. We told the doctors, “When she’s born, take that baby and
get her out of her as fast as you can.” We were so afraid that listening to her voice
and hearing her cry would be too much for us. We thought that natural parenting instinct
would kick in. The plan was that after the baby was born, I’d cover her ears with
my hands and put my forehead to hers to block her vision, and just talk to her as
they took Carly down.

I said, “You’re so strong, I love you so much, you’re doing the right thing.” But
after Carly was born she was looking around asking, “Where is she? Where is she?”
That just shows how strong those instincts are. She wanted to see her, she wanted
to hear her, she wanted to know she was okay.

So we laid there for awhile, Catelynn took a shower, and I went down and looked at
Carly and talked to Brandon and Teresa about how beautiful and perfect she was. Finally
they wheeled her back into the room.

Catelynn:

We didn’t change our mind about wanting an open adoption until the day Carly was born.
Once she was born, it was real. We’d been scared that if we held her once, we’d never
be able to let her go. But once we were able to spend time with her and share that
time with Brandon and Teresa, we realized we were strong enough in our decision to
allow that extra openness we had resisted. It was also obvious how hard it would be
to not know where she was and what she was doing in life. That would make it ten times
harder for us to heal. We still wanted to see them, see her, build a relationship
with this family and be connected to the experience of her life. So we called Dawn
over and said, “Break out the eraser. We want to change this agreement.”

We stayed with her for three days straight, which is the usual maximum stay for women
who have C-sections. I didn’t have a C-section, but the doctors knew what we were
doing and gave us the three days anyway. The hospital staff was really supportive,
and the doctor and nurses came in every day to check on us. Brandon and Teresa had
a room down the hall. For those three days we spent all our time talking to Carly,
loving her, and taking pictures with her. We just soaked up as much as we could before
we had to say goodbye.

Tyler:

We weren’t the only ones who’d had doubts about how strong we’d be. There was this
one older nurse who was very cold and stand-offish to us, almost rude. She saw us
spending all this bonding time with Carly in our room and she was convinced we weren’t
going to go through with it. She thought we were going to break this couple’s heart.
But she was the one who helped us out of the hospital, and she was crying her eyes
out. When we got to the car, she gave Cate a hug and told her she was the strongest
person she’d ever met.

It was a crazy intense hospital experience. It was emotional and intense and long
and draining. And we still had one last blow coming to us when we went to sign over
the legal rights to Carly’s adoptive parents. Because guess who was there, objecting
to our decision? My dad and Cate’s mom.

Since Cate’s mom refused to have anything to do with the adoption, Cate had to request
a guardian for the day from the court system. And so there we stood, doing this incredibly
difficult thing, and our parents were there on the opposite side of the courtroom.
But the judge would barely give them the time of day. After they pleaded their case
he looked at them and said, “I don’t know what you’re seeing in this situation, but
I’m staring at these kids and watching them make the wisest decision of their lives.
I’m denying your request to have any involvement in this, and if I were you, I’d wake
up and realize these kids are doing an amazing thing.”

Our parents stormed out of there, pissed off, and went speeding out of the parking
lot. We were left there at the end of this traumatic experience watching them tear
out of there in a rage. What more is there to say about that, except that it shouldn’t
have been that way?

Catelynn:

Since then, our parents have come around. They’ve apologized to us for not supporting
us during that time, and we’ve forgiven them. And even though it still hurts to remember
how unsupported we felt by them, I’ve found a way to channel that experience into
helping others who are in the same situation. After my experience, I told Dawn that
if a girl ever needed someone to talk to or support her, to give her my number. I
wanted to make sure I was there to help, even if it was just by being someone these
girls could talk to, someone who understood.

Since I gave birth to Carly, I’ve been a labor coach for several girls who just needed
someone to be there with them when their parents weren’t supportive and they need
someone there, just to be there. And I always try and help them understand how much
strength they have inside of them. I actually have a tattoo to remind me of the same
thing every day: “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only
choice you have.”

Tyler:

A lot of adopted children struggle with an identity crisis from not knowing who their
parents were. But we made a scrapbook for Carly explaining our lives, our siblings,
our favorite foods. Now we’ll have this book and she’ll have the show and she’ll know
exactly where she came from. That’s the greatest blessing about doing the show and
doing the adoption. She’ll never have those questions. And she’ll never doubt how
much we’ve loved her and thought about her.