Conquering Chaos (14 page)

Tyler:

The real kicker was when we got a letter from a girl who told us that we’d inspired
her to make her own adoption plan. She told us it was thanks to our story that she
found the strength and peace to take that step and place her child for adoption. After
that, we realized we had the chance to really make a positive impact on people. Before
that, we weren’t sure if we wanted to keep showing our lives on TV. It was kind of
like, “What are we doing here, really?” But when we thought about that letter and
the fact that we had actually helped inspire someone to do something so important,
we decided we had to keep going. And we swore as long as we did, we’d be as open,
honest, real and raw as we could. We figured authenticity was what had helped us connect
with people, and after that, connecting with people was what we wanted to do.

The day we sent Carly home with her adoptive parents was the day we realized that
our lives would never be the same again. Things that we used to find fun, like partying
with our friends, were no longer going to cut it. There was no going back. Hell, we
wouldn’t have even wanted to. We may have still been two teenagers in high school,
but at that point we felt like fully grown adults and we were ready to take on new
responsibilities.

Seeing our lives from a new perspective, and with Carly on our minds every single
day, we were motivated to become the type of birth parents that Carly would be proud
of one day. We were motivated. Not only would having jobs give us a little bit of
financial independence but we wound up doing something extremely meaningful.

At the pizza joint Tyler quickly learned the qualities he did not want in an employer.
He also learned a lot about himself and how he deals with certain situations in the
workplace. Growing up, Tyler had been responsible for himself and his mom had always
respectfully laid down the law when it came to chores. When his boss would bark orders
and treat him like a child, well, that didn’t sit well with him. Disrespect from authority
figures just wasn’t going to fly. We both did well working at Rue 21, so at least
it wasn’t a problem everywhere! But still, we wanted more than food service and retail,
and working with people with special needs was the perfect next step. It felt good
to use our new independence to teach others how to be independent themselves. On an
important personal level, it helped us channel our parental instincts into something
that felt positive instead of painful. And best of all, it gave us the chance to make
a difference in people’s lives.

That meant more to us than anything. And it reaffirmed that we had made the right
choice when it came to placing Carly in adoption. Would we have been able to take
such quick steps toward becoming responsible, mature, financially stable adults if
we had been scrambling to make ends meet for a baby? Our upbringings were a good indication
that the answer was a big fat no. Because of our choice we had the opportunity to
take control of our futures and make a difference in people’s lives. In our mission
to make Carly proud, we found real reasons to be proud of each other...and proud of
ourselves.

While we focused on making strides off camera, we never expected the amount of love
and support that was about to come our way from the time we spent on camera. We were
completely taken by surprise when MTV viewers responded to our story with an outpour
of love and support. And we were shocked when we realized how many lives it had touched.
We never knew how badly people needed a positive adoption story like ours on a mainstream
level. It quickly became clear to us that our purpose in life was to show these people
they weren’t alone. There was no longer a reason for us to question our roles on MTV.
If we could make a difference in people’s lives and make a positive impact on people,
we were going to do it.

Crisis can bring a couple together. But oftentimes when the dust settles, you look
around and realize the landscape has completely changed. You’re older now, and you’ve
changed in ways you don’t yet understand. In our case, we went from a fairy tale childhood
romance to an experience that pushed us even closer and left us with a bond — a child
— that would stay between us forever. And once we got through the struggle, the heartbreak
and the aftermath, we found ourselves passing into the next phase of our life together.

So, what then? Well, for years we had been the ideal couple: never fighting, always
a team. But the reality was that we each still carried our own issues that were just
waiting to pop up and cause some mayhem. Our effort to grow up and be serious about
our lives was like renovating a house from top to bottom: You’re bound to stumble
on rotten beams and structural weakness you never suspected. And that’s exactly what
happened to us.

But what do you do? Burn down the house? Hell, no! You put your heads together, call
a contractor — or a relationship counselor — and do what you have to do to make that
house stronger than ever.

Catelynn:

Stress never came between Tyler and me. If anything, it brought us together. We united
and supported each other during the hardest times, and we never treat our relationship
as a place to dump negativity or take out our frustrations on each other. Obviously
we’re not sweet and cuddly with each other all the time. There are times when one
of us is in a bad mood and starts acting kind of short or snippy. But the good thing
about being open and honest is that if one of us notices that change, they’ll just
ask. Basically, if one of us is mad about something specific, we come out and say
it. So if I notice Tyler being a little rude and I don’t know why, I’ll just ask,
“Are you crabby?” And he’ll say, “Yeah, I’m crabby.” Then I’ll say, “Can I ask why?”
And either he’ll tell me what’s going on, or he’ll tell me he doesn’t want to talk
and I’ll leave him alone. There are times when we snap at each other, obviously. But
we don’t let it escalate, and we always say we’re sorry we know we’ve acted out. It’s
easier to own up to being a jerk than to blame it on the other person.

Tyler:

When we say a relationship is hard work, we don’t mean to make anyone think it’s not
worth it. It really is just like taking care of a house. There are chores you have
to do, and sometimes stuff gets broken, and you have to fix it. Those parts aren’t
fun or easy, but they’re necessary to keep things in working order.

Actually, chores are a great example. When we first moved in together, we realized
we both hated doing the dishes. So for awhile they’d pile up while each of us put
it off, and then whoever caved and did them would be really annoyed about it. Then
we came up with a life-changing solution. Instead of letting the dishes pile up, we
wash them as soon as we’re done. If you’re at the sink putting a dish in there, you
can take five extra seconds to wash it. And if one of us forgets, like if I go to
wash my glass and I see one of Cate’s dirty plates in the sink, we don’t make a huge
deal out of it. I just say, “Babe, you left your plate in the sink.” She says sorry.
I say it’s okay, and I wash it. There. Done. Nobody gets stuck dealing with a huge
pile of dishes.

That’s exactly how we try to handle our relationship. When a “dirty dish” or a problem
is there, we clean it. No pile-ups allowed. But, hey. We’re not perfect. I’m not perfect.
Cate’s not perfect. These things are easier said than done. And sometimes a dirty
dish just comes flying at your head.

Catelynn:

Our first major challenge as a couple traced back to those eight months I spent in
Florida, and a problem I’d had for my entire life: Lying. Tyler and I got really good
about being honest with our feelings in our relationship, and it made us really strong.
But for me, personally, lying had always been an issue. For my whole life, I had a
habit of telling people what I thought they wanted to hear, even if it wasn’t the
truth.

I didn’t grow up with Tyler’s obsession with the truth. I watched my mom lie all the
time. To her boyfriends, to me, whatever. And I got used to lying to her, or to them,
about whatever it was easy to lie about. If the truth was going to start a conflict,
I was not going to tell the truth.

But even if the habit originally came out of a fear of conflict, it’s not good to
get used to messing with the truth. Lots of my lies came with a feeling that I was
protecting other people. I thought if I told them what they wanted to hear, it was
better for everyone. But now I know that lying doesn’t really protect anyone but yourself.
And what I learned the hard way was that lies always come out, eventually, and once
the truth has been twisted into a lie, it’s way harder to deal with. Not many things
can do as much damage to a relationship as a lie.

Tyler:

Lying was what sparked our first major fallout as a couple. It stemmed back to those
eight months in Florida, where it turned out she secretly dated another guy. Two years
later, after I found out, it was the closest I’ve ever been to walking away from our
relationship. All of our relationship coping skills couldn’t hold a candle to this
conflict. We had to work through some serious, serious issues to get through it.

I spent that whole year waiting for Cate. We talked every single day on the phone
for two hours at a time. If we didn’t talk to each other one day, we’d freak out.
We talked for two hours and kept in touch. We told each other “I love you, I can’t
wait to see you,” all of that. I was going to an alternative school, and one day in
science we got to make our own sterling silver rings. So I literally hand-made a ring
for Catelynn, carved our anniversary date, and kept it to give to her when she got
home. I even tried to go down to Florida to see her, but there just wasn’t money in
my world for that. One of our friends was able to go, and I was so jealous I was furious.

I knew Florida was a different kind of experience for Catelynn. She wasn’t there by
choice. She was basically forced to live there because the only place in Michigan
she could call home was a drug house in the Detroit ghetto. I knew it was a complicated
experience for her. But it was also her chance to have a fresh start. She got to change
her clothes, she got to figure out what kind of person she wanted to be. It was a
special kind of escape for her.

When she came back to visit for Christmas, she spent the whole vacation at my house.
I remember thinking she was so different. She was styling her hair, putting a lot
of makeup on, and she had all this confidence I couldn’t remember. She would put her
hand on her hip and pose for pictures like she’d never done before. Of course I got
really excited about it, and then she had to go to Florida.

Catelynn:

Florida was a huge, drastic change for me. I was so used to being able to do what
I wanted and not have to answer to anyone. But my grandparents were very strict. Severely
strict! And I wasn’t used to that. I wasn’t used to discipline. At my mom’s, I could
always come and go as I pleased and run all over town. But there, it was way different.

So I suddenly caught myself rebelling a lot. I started sneaking out to hang out with
friends I made there. After my grandparents caught me sneaking back in a couple of
times, they took my door off the hinges as punishment. They were not putting up with
that trailer park wild-child stuff at all. Eventually I got better and settled down,
but I was still going through a lot of anger and anxiety, and I was always looking
for ways to get my mind off of it. Like I said earlier, at that time I was basically
addicted to marijuana. I know you can’t technically get addicted to marijuana, but
there’s nothing else you could call it. I had to be high all the time.

That was where this Florida guy came in. He was this older guy who was chill and always
had weed and cigarettes. I was always willing to hang out and smoke weed, and one
thing led to another. It didn’t take a psychic to predict where that was going.

Tyler:

During those eight months when Cate got her other boyfriend, and I was just in Michigan
waiting. Our agreement was that we were going to wait for each other, but at that
age, how long are you really going to do that for? Obviously she didn’t leave me.
We still talked every single day. But that’s almost what made it so bad. She was lying
to me that whole time. I’d call and ask what she was doing and she’d say she was with
her friends. Then I’d hear a rustling around and I’d hear her say “Shh,” and suddenly
the phone would hang up. Later I found out every time I called she was at her boyfriend’s
house, and she had to go outside to the porch to talk to me. He’d come out and ask
her a question or something, and she’d have to hang up real quick.

Once I found out, I was hurt. But then I thought about it so much that I got into
this weird obsessive state. I wanted to know every detail about him. What was his
name? How tall was he? What color was his hair? And the details I heard just made
me more fixated: He was eighteen years old, he had a job, a sports car, he lived in
his own place. I started comparing myself to him, everything he had against everything
I didn’t. It just killed me to think about it. I got obsessed with every single detail.
Especially the sex.

The thing was, this brought out a lot of my own issues, too. First of all, my obsession
with the truth. My whole thing wasn’t really that she had this boyfriend, it was that
she didn’t tell me about it. Of course we had an agreement to wait for each other,
but we weren’t stupid. We knew that was a hard thing to stick to at our age. I felt
like she could have come clean with me and we could have gone from there. Instead
I felt like I was played for the whole eight months. The lying was what got me! The
girl I’d been with before Cate had lied to me all the time, and I swore I’d never
go through that again. And that’s where my stubbornness kicked in, because once I’ve
made a vow to myself, I start seeing things in black and white. And that can make
things even worse.