Conquering Chaos (15 page)

But also there was this fixation I had on sex. I could not stop thinking about the
sex. The movie in my head was just them having sex. My stomach would turn, I’d feel
nauseated. It literally made me sick to my stomach. And I thought if I asked her everything
and got the dirty nitty gritty nasty details, I could make the movie go away. I got
so obsessed with every detail. I went into so much. I asked how many times they had
sex, what did they do, did she like it, all of this, all of that.

Catelynn:

When we were going through that, I was terrified. I couldn’t believe I was going to
lose something I really wanted because of something so stupid. The fact was, I hated
who I was in Florida. I had dated this guy because he bought me cigarettes and weed.
He was helping me to rebel. I was using him to get things I wanted. I just don’t like
to think about it. If I could go back in time, I would take all of that back.

In Florida I went from being this prude girl who had so much respect for myself, to
being the type of girl who would date a guy basically because he always had weed and
cigarettes. That made me feel horrible about myself. I felt like a slut, honestly,
and that was something I never wanted to be.

And once I was back home with Tyler, I just wanted to leave the whole memory behind.
A big part of the lie was that I was so obsessed with wanting to protect Tyler’s feelings,
and our relationship, that I just didn’t want to tell him something that would be
so bad. But part of it was also that it was a really bad memory for me, something
I hated to think about. After it came out I used to cry to him and say, “I hated the
person I was when I lived there, and I won’t ever go back to that.”

Tyler:

I had to fight against my own stubbornness to even try and work it through. It wasn’t
even my brain and my heart saying different things. Part of my brain was telling me
to stick with my guns, that if she’d lied to me about this she’d lie to me again.
But another part of my brain was telling me to cool it for a minute. I had to force
myself to think about whether this was really unfixable, whether it was really worth
giving up the relationship.

So we tried to give it a shot. And from my end, what was feeding the issue was my
obsession with knowing every detail. I was so psycho that I demanded this guy’s number
so I could call him and get all the details she didn’t want to share with me. So she
gave me his number, and I sent him a text pretending I was Catelynn. I said, “My boyfriend’s
probably going to get in contact with you. He asked me for your number so just tell
him what happened and be honest with him.”

This guy wrote back, “Why? Okay, whatever.” And then, still thinking he was texting
Catelynn, he wrote, “Do you want me to tell him we talked last night on the phone?”
That made me stop cold. I got in touch with Cate and asked her when she’d talked to
her boyfriend in Florida. And she said, “I haven’t talked to him in five months.”

“That’s it,” I said. “You’re busted. I caught you. You’re done.” We broke up for three
weeks. I thought that was the end of it.

Catelynn:

There’s no way to explain how helpless and terrified I was during that whole thing.
All I could think about was how I might lose the best thing in my life based on this
one stupid thing that I knew, one-hundred percent knew, that I would never do again.
And the fact that it was really the lie that had him the most upset was even harder
to deal with. Because lies really had become normal for me, even if I had learned
to be honest, too. Lying was definitely a habit I fell into frequently, and I hadn’t
experienced the damage it could cause before that. It was a devastating wake-up call.

Tyler:

I’m really headstrong. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that. But I was stubborn on
this, too. Cate tried to talk to me the whole three weeks, and I forced myself not
to. But deep down I really wanted to just let the whole thing go because I loved her
so much. My heart was battling with my stubbornness.

In my head I was thinking, “Tyler, just leave her. She lies once, she’ll lie again.”
But in the end I thought, “She’s too good to let go for something like this.”

I could see her coming face to face with this problem of lying that she’d never really
confronted before. She was struggling to work through something inside herself the
way we’d struggled through so many things together. And I thought, “I have to help
her with this.” I didn’t want to break up and regret it over something we could have
worked through together.

Eventually I texted her and suggested we go back to counseling. So I decided we should
get some help and figure out why I was so creepily obsessed with this, and then figure
out why Catelynn was lying and how to stop it.

And then it all came out in counseling why she lied and all of that. Lying is something
you learn. She had to lie all her life to keep the peace. She learned about it from
living in that house. It really came down to, “Can you live the rest of your life
with her and get over this?”

Catelynn:

Going through counseling was actually very beneficial. Not only did I learn why I
was lying to him, but I learned why I lied, period. It was because I was always trying
to protect people around me. It was a huge awakening for me. And it was like, “Really,
Catelynn, do you want to go on like this? Do you want to lose this person you loved
and know you ruined something amazing over something so stupid?” No. I did not.

And ever since that, I’ve been a totally different person. I don’t lie. I tell him
what’s up. I was willing to learn. I told him, and I meant, that I would do everything
to make it better. It hurt me so much that I had hurt him. I would cry not because
of myself but because of what I had done to him and the pain I had caused him. If
I could go back, I never would have done any of that.

Tyler:

In counseling we talked about my psychotic obsession with the sex that was involved.
Most couples say it’s the emotional side of cheating that matters the most, like the
important thing is whether or not it “meant anything.” But I felt like I would have
been fine if they were madly in love. I was obsessed with that specific physical part
of the relationship. I was worried about the sexual things. I don’t think I ever asked
if she loved the guy. I didn’t give a shit. I wanted to know all about the sex. That’s
weird. It was weird, and I knew it.

The counselor came straight out and told me what she thought that was about. She said,
“You’re obsessed with this because of what happened to you when you were a kid means
everything to you. Your whole ideal of sex is important and significant in your relationship.
That’s why you’re so obsessed with that whole aspect.”

I still had that horrible feeling that I couldn’t erase my obsession without facing
the details for myself. If I could do it all over again, not that I would want to,
I would have gone straight to her boyfriend and gotten the answers and closed the
case. People say not to ask questions you don’t want the answers to. But that was
the process I had to go through to get over it. Now that I’m older, if I have a suspicion
I’ll investigate. I’ll find proof. Because I can’t get less than the truth.

Catelynn:

Since counseling, I can’t handle lying! There are still times when I struggle with
the reflex to be dishonest. There are a lot of times when lies come out automatically,
without me even thinking about it. My mouth opens and I just blurt out whatever lie
pops off of the tip of my tongue. It’s such a deep habit that I haven’t gotten enough
distance from it yet. But now, after I say something dishonest, my heart will start
racing until I have so much anxiety that I have to come clean.

One therapist told us that was a normal part of the learning process. When I explained
to her that I couldn’t stomach lying anymore but was still struggling with this automatic
reaction to blurt out the kind of crap I was used to saying, the therapist told Tyler
that was a normal part of it. She said, “Sometimes Cate might need five minutes to
think about it and work through her reaction.” For me, because the roots of my lying
are based in feeling unsafe, sometimes I need extra time to find a way to say something
that makes me feel safe. And still, sometimes my mouth just vomits words and then
five minutes later I think, “Shit, I just lied about that.” Then I’ll turn to Tyler
and say, “I’m sorry, babe. That wasn’t true. This is the truth.” And that requires
me to have trust in him not to get so mad that he’ll yell at me and leave.

Tyler:

The counselor told me, “Your job is to make her feel safe enough to tell you the truth.
So whatever you have to do to make her feel comfortable and safe and confident to
tell you the truth, that’s what you need to do.” And that went along with me having
to work on my reaction. I’m almost too honest and blunt sometimes, and I’ll say whatever
I’m thinking or feeling when it’s not really necessary. So I had to work on my reactions
to what she said. If I freak out when I’m unhappy, she’s not going to feel safe telling
me the truth. And really, that’s not hard for me to relate to. I’ve always demanded
that people hear my side of the story before they judge me. So I can learn to do the
same thing from my end.

Catelynn:

A lot of relationships end because of trust. Once it’s broken once, you can’t get
it back. You have to make a habit of honesty in your relationship and you have to
make each other feel safe. It had to be a team effort. If he has a problem, what am
I doing to fuel that problem? If I have a problem, what’s he doing to fuel my problem?
How can we help each other instead of escalating this?

Tyler:

Lying is a deal breaker for a lot of people, and it was for me, too. But I learned
that’s not really the best approach. I really want people to know that lying is fixable.
Just because someone lies doesn’t mean that you’re not meant to be with that person,
or that the lying will go on forever. It’s a fixable issue.

You can’t just say, “Oh, he lied, that’s it, he’s not the person for me.” I remember
mentioning to the couples’ therapist that I thought I should have just left and been
done with it. But whoever thinks love is like a sappy movie with no challenges is
dead wrong. Love is work. And when people say “If you have to work on it it’s not
love,” I’m like, what world are you living in?

As far as trust and communication go, those are all things that take work. You don’t
naturally just communicate, you’re not naturally honest. Those things take work. Your
relationship is a really valuable thing that has a lot of different parts to it. Why
would you throw away the whole thing based on one broken part? You have to at least
try to repair it. What if I had left Catelynn for something that could have been fixed?
I would never have the relationship and happiness I have now.

From the very beginning, we have had a very special chemistry and passion for each
other. Even when we were twelve, we knew. You know when you’re soulmates. You know
when you can picture being with that person for the rest of your life. Placing Carly
left us with more time to find the peace, maturity and wisdom together to start a
family and do it right. It gave us room to work for the goal of making it until we’re
eighty-seven, hanging out in rocking chairs.

That being said, every relationship is going to have its ups and downs, even when
two people have never doubted for a second that they are soulmates. Because when you
get down to it, relationships are hard. Whether it’s the relationship between you
and your parents, your friends, or a significant other.

Relationships take communication, understanding, and compromise. Those are three things
we thought we had nailed down, and maybe we did. But life catches up with you. Cate’s
lying almost got the best of us. There’s no doubt about it that our relationship was
put to the ultimate test. It was make it or break it time and we knew we couldn’t
live with ourselves if we just let it all fall to pieces.

Without couple’s counseling we probably wouldn’t have learned that Tyler’s obsession
with sex was linked to his childhood sexual abuse. Cate’s lying started to make sense
given the dysfunctional household she grew up in. It was much easier for her to lie
to avoid conflict than to risk the repercussions of being honest. Before sifting through
these issues Cate’s lying just seemed like something she did to be deceptive or hurtful.
Tyler was able to start making sense of his obsession with sex. By working through
these issues as a totally united team we were able to be there for each other in ways
we never had been before.

Nobody is perfect, so there will always be hurdles. Sometimes they’re big and sometimes
they’re small. Working through our problems in therapy was a turning point for us.
By going to therapy we picked up the tools we needed to put the past behind us and
move forward.

Even if you think there’s a problem in your relationship that can’t be fixed, it never
hurts to try. It might be painful, and it will definitely be difficult, but if your
relationship is worth fighting for, you’ll be glad you did!

All of our dreams and efforts after Carly boiled down to our ideas about what makes
a good home for a child. What does a child need to grow up to be a good person? When
we wrote down all the things in our lives that wouldn’t be good for a child, the sum
total was enough to make our decision. But there wasn’t any single thing on that list
that was a deal breaker. We never believed it was impossible to raise a child in poverty,
for example. We never thought that a person who’d struggled with addiction couldn’t
step up to be a parent. We didn’t want to raise our kid in a trailer park, but that
doesn’t mean we had less respect for the moms, like ours, who had done that same thing.