Conquering Chaos (18 page)

So you have to lay those insecurities bare in your relationship. It’s really scary
to put yourself in a vulnerable place, but that’s how you start to work through things
together. We confront those self-esteem problems, and we know how to uplift each other.
We don’t try to fix each other, but we make sure to stay positive wherever the other
person has trouble doing it. When Catelynn spends time getting ready and dressing
up, it’s my job to say, “Wow, you look beautiful.” And when I joke around and call
myself a skinny bastard, it’s Cate’s job to say, “Don’t say that! You’re hot!” It
works out.

Catelynn:

We’re good at motivating each other to do good and praising each other. Since we try
to be honest about the difficult things, it’s even more important to be open with
positive input. That way we’re not afraid to hurt each other’s feelings when we have
to talk about something negative, because we’ve built up an understanding that we’re
thinking the best toward each other. I wouldn’t try to hurt him and he wouldn’t try
to hurt me. So we can be open, with that foundation of trust.

One good thing about being with someone in a relationship is that they uplift you.
That’s one thing they should always do. No one’s going to come on a white horse and
fix your problem, but you can always count on them to support you in that job. Never
the opposite. If someone you’re with bashes you and brings your self-esteem down,
that’s unhealthy. If you’re in a relationship like that, you need to get out. Your
partner should be lifting you up and boosting your self-esteem. That’s your job in
any relationship, too. If you notice someone damaging your self-worth and self-esteem,
leave.

Tyler:

There should never be low blows in a relationship. I’m always shocked when I hear
friends fighting and they throw so many low blows. That’s not allowed between us.
If I trust you enough to show you where I’m vulnerable, you are not allowed to use
it against me. If I tell you I hate being skinny and a week later you call me a scrawny
bastard when you’re mad, then I know your intention was to hurt me. And that’s not
how a good relationship works at all. Some people use their emotional state as an
excuse for making mean remarks to their partner, like they couldn’t help going there
because they were so upset. But that’s no excuse for saying something that actually
hurts your partner. Think what you have to, in that case, but keep it in your head
where it doesn’t hurt anybody. My grandma used to tell me, “Only God can hear your
thoughts, but the Devil hears your voice.”

You should never be afraid to expose your vulnerabilities to your partner, or think
they’ll use your honesty against you later. So actually, being open with your vulnerabilities
does two things: It gives the other person a way to uplift you, and it gives you a
chance to spot a red flag if they use it against you. Give someone your kryptonite.
Then if they use it again, you know to get out of there. And if you’ve built up your
own armor against it, your own self-worth, you’ll be okay.

Of course, we’re being grown-ups here. When it comes to children, they absolutely
need all the help they can get building their early self-esteem. We’re going to uplift
our children constantly. I want to tell them how beautiful they are. When I think
about Cate’s insecurity and how common that is with girls, it makes me want to work
extra hard to make sure Nova’s self-esteem is as strong as it can be. Fathers have
a huge role in the way daughters feel about themselves. For a girl, your dad is the
first relationship you have with the opposite sex. So how he treats you has a huge
part to do with how you’ll expect to be treated by men in the future and your ideas
about how they see you. It’s a dad’s responsibility to tell his daughter she’s beautiful,
strong, and important.

Catelynn:

Kids should never get negative messages about their appearance. I hate to hear kids
getting criticized by adults for such vulnerable things. When you’re a kid, those
careless remarks can cause permanent damage. When that woman from my childhood singled
me out for my weight, I never forgot about it. I always felt like an outcast in that
part of the family, like I didn’t look good enough for their standards. That should
never happen! It’s the adults’ responsibility to make sure kids are developing a positive
image of themselves. No one should ever be singled out for criticism on something
so sensitive.

Catelynn:

There’s one thing we both have to take responsibility for that’s hard to own up to.
We talk positive now, but back when we were in grade school, we both went through
a phase when we could be really mean to other kids. We were bullies, to put it bluntly.
It’s so uncomfortable to think about it, because we know the effects bullying can
have on people for the rest of their lives. And we both grew out of the phase when
we were still young, so it’s even harder to make sense of. I can’t remember a time
when I ever felt like it was fun to be mean to someone. But obviously there was a
time like that.

There was this boy from the trailer park who I used to beat up every day at the bus
stop. I was so mean to that kid, and for no reason! We had this creek that ran by
the place, and I’m not sure I’d even want to call it a creek. It was nasty and smelly,
with green slime all along the sides. We used to play around it sometimes, putting
boards across like a bridge and walking back and forth. And one day, for no reason
at all, I just pushed this boy into that nasty, stinky creek. I feel horrible remembering
that.

Tyler:

I started bullying kids in kindergarten. I remember picking on the kid who sat next
to me in class. Every day I’d pick a moment where this kid wasn’t paying attention.
Then I’d take my little scissors, cut a hole in his shirt and laugh my ass off. The
kid would beg me to stop: “My mom’s getting mad, all of my shirts have holes!” God,
I was a little dick. There was another kid named Rob who I was even worse to. I’d
pretend to be his friend, take him to a park, and then push him around and beat him
up. I’d apologize the next day and pretend to be friends, and then I’d do it again.

I was such an asshole. I was so mean! I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it.
I feel really bad about what I did. A few years ago I managed to find Rob on Facebook
and sent him a long apology. I said, “I know I’m probably the last person you want
to hear from, but I was the kid who used to beat you up.” I expressed how wrong I
was and how bad I felt for doing that. I told him I had to find him because I couldn’t
live with myself for the rest of my life without apologizing. He never wrote me back.

I was mean until about fourth grade. And then I went the opposite way and started
feeling really, really bad for people. Then I started turning my aggression toward
the bullies instead of being one myself. Once we got a new girl at school who was
African-American, she was the only black kid there. Imagine what that’s like, to be
the only black girl in the middle of a bunch of trailer park kids in one of the whitest
parts of Michigan. Sure enough, this one boy started in on her, calling her the N-word.
After I saw that going on, I took that kid into the bathroom and told him I’d kick
his ass if he ever picked on her again. After that I started being nice to everyone
and going out of my way to be nice to people who weren’t being treated right. You
never know how much good you can do for someone just by giving them some positive
attention that day.

Catelynn:

When I got older, I changed, too. We just went through these phases. I don’t know
where it stemmed from, whether it was related to some of the stuff we were going through
in our family lives, or what. Maybe it was a way to take out the aggression we were
holding in for ourselves. There’s no excuse, though, and the explanation doesn’t matter
to the kids we were mean to. They were the ones who were hurt by it. When I grew up
a little, I turned my attitude in the other direction, too. I’d stand up for people
who were getting picked on, and I didn’t let my friends do that to people, either.
Once I was just old enough to think about it, I had no desire to be cruel to anyone.
How is that fun to hurt people? I’m heartbroken that I ever did. I can’t take it back,
but take full responsibility for it. All I can do is make sure I never act like that
again in my life, and teach my children that bullying is never okay.

These days we find ourselves on the receiving end of mean behavior and careless comments.
After we appeared on TV, after the first huge rush of positive responses, we definitely
had to deal with a lot of negativity. We had no idea what kind of attention was going
to come our way when we decided to do that show. The internet could be a horrible
place. People were always saying I was fat, calling me ugly, tweeting at Tyler to
leave me and be with them. Prank callers would find my number, call me and tell me
they were pregnant with Tyler’s baby. Random girls were always trying to start psycho
stuff.

It got to the point where I didn’t want to go out to clubs or anything. Bitches were
crazy! I was afraid something would go down and my old trailer park side would come
out. I didn’t want to be tempted to end up beating somebody’s ass for going after
my man. There definitely were people who tried to start trouble when we were out.
Once after we’d gone out dancing, Tyler told me some girl was feeling up his thigh
when he was there with me on the dance floor. I was like, “You should have just told
me!” But he said, “What? I wasn’t going to tell you! You would have whooped her ass!”
He did the right thing and kicked her off, though.

The girls pull that crap online, too, sending Tyler messages and trying to be sexy.
I don’t understand ladies these days. Have respect for other women. These girls see
us together. They know we’re a couple. They just don’t have respect. What would they
do if I treated them like that? And the things they write in public about our relationship
are so vicious. Now that we’ve been at this TV thing for several years, we know better
than to read things. But in the beginning it was hard to ignore it.

Tyler:

I don’t know what the motivation is behind some of the messages I get, because it’s
not attractive. Some of these girls seem to assume all guys are the same. Like, they
shake their asses and the guys will crumble. And there have been a few times I got
so fed up with some stupid message I wrote back and kind of went off. I’d be like,
“I don’t know what you think you’re getting out of this, but it’s not working for
me at all. All this tells me is that you have no self-respect.” Why would they present
themselves like that? The woman I love has strong values. She made me work for it.
I’m not interested in someone who’s going to try and pick me up when I’m obviously
in a relationship. And when these girls tell me I can do better than her, I get pissed.
You have no idea who she is. And who are you to tell me who I can be with? Why do
you care, anyway? It amazes me that people are so invested in this. Why do they give
a shit who I’m with? I’m not gonna be with the girl who grabs my leg in the club while
I’m dancing with my girl.

The internet makes people feel like they can be as rude as they want without any consequence.
They take no responsibility for the effect their stupid comment might have on the
person it’s about. When the show first came out, Twitter wasn’t what it is now. Now
everyone’s on there giving instant feedback. They look at us as a conversation topic
or an easy target to attack. Instagram is like the devil’s playground for cyber-bullying.
I can post a picture of my dog, and it’ll turn into “You’re ugly.” The thing about
it is, people comment on all this stuff, but would you say that to someone you know?
We’re people. We’re human beings. We’re in the public eye, but we’re actual people
with actual feelings. They’re not getting the emotional consequences or a physical
response. They just comment. They think it does nothing to someone. But I guarantee
they would never do that to my face.

Catelynn:

A lot of people use their environments and backgrounds as excuses for what’s wrong
with their lives. We know as well as anybody that family problems, broken homes, and
bad role models can push your life in the wrong direction. But from the moment you’re
able to look around and see what’s good and bad in your life, it’s your responsibility
to take care of whatever is in your control. When Cate and I made that crazy transition
from trailer park delinquents to responsible teenagers, we did it in the same environment
that had fostered our worst behavior. People always say that in order to change, you
have to cut all negative influences out of your life. It’s true that if you can do
that, you should. But don’t use that advice to make excuses for not changing, like
you can’t make better decisions if someone’s not leading you by the hand. And if there’s
someone around who always “gets you into trouble,” it’s on you to learn how to be
around that person and not fall into that trap. Don’t blame them. They don’t control
your brain or the choices you make. Your friends and family may play a part in what
you do, but once you know right from wrong, you need to take responsibility for doing
what’s right.

Tyler:

Sometimes that means you have to pass on things that other people choose for themselves.
One thing that was hard for us to deal with after Carly was when our friends started
having babies. They came from the same messed-up backgrounds we came from, but they
decided to make a go of it and keep their babies. When we saw that, it brought out
a lot of painful feelings from the part of us that almost didn’t make the decision
we made. You make this decision, you plan for it, you make peace with it, and then
you’re faced with someone who chose the thing you didn’t. It’s not like you regret
what you did, but you have a petty sort of moment of, “Well they’re doing it. Why
couldn’t I do it?” It was hard to see people having kids as young as we were and parenting.
Of course we had our fantasies and daydreams about what it would be like to have her
with us. Watching our friends make the choice we didn’t make brought up all of our
“What ifs.” But we made our own decision based on our own situation and our own understanding
of what the right thing to do was. Taking responsibility for that decisions means
pushing through those painful moments of, “That person has this thing I want. Why
can’t I have that?”