Conquering Chaos (8 page)

Catelynn:

It really was an everyday fight to put our emotions aside. Every time we thought about
what we wanted, we’d have to pull ourselves back in our head and think, “But it’s
not about what we want. What does she deserve?” It wasn’t about what we thought we
deserved.

But ever since I was little, I was the girl who wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be
a wife. I wanted to take care of my children and husband. Ever since I can remember,
I’ve just always wanted to be a mother. That made the decision excruciating. Because
in a way, being pregnant was a lifelong dream. And I had to pull myself out of my
emotions to face the fact that it was not the right time, and I knew it.

One night I was so torn about it, I started praying: “God, if I’m supposed to choose
adoption, if this is the right choice, I need peace in this decision. I need a sign.”
I talked to God in my bedroom for about an hour until I fell asleep. And you know
what? The next morning in the car on my way to school, adoption commercials started
coming on the radio. When I got to class and started on vocabulary, I saw the words
“adoption” and “birth parents.”

I was like, well, thank you. There’s my sign. That was all I needed. And that was
the moment on I made peace with my decision. I thought, “That’s it. I’m gonna do this,
and I don’t care who the hell tries to get in my way.”

Tyler:

I know it was hard for Cate as the mother. She’s always had a strong maternal instinct.
Even her dad has told me about how she always wanted to help animals and rescue baby
birds. She was always very nurturing and she always dreamed of being a mom. But she
set her own wants aside to provide this child with the best possible life. Once she
told me, “I remember crying and thinking about being a mom and going through all the
struggles. And then I would stop crying and feel peace when I thought about Carly
being adopted. And that’s how I knew that was what I wanted to do.”

Less than one percent of women choose adoption for their babies. Ninety-nine percent
of women who parent choose to get pregnant or have an abortion. That’s why it’s so
ironic and amazing that Catelynn chose adoption, because for someone who had dreamed
about parenthood for so long and had such a strong maternal instinct, it was the ultimate
sacrifice. She’s in that one percent of women who made that decision.

Catelynn:

My mom was dead set against adoption. People find that surprising sometimes, because
she’d been willing to take me in for an abortion. I think she was able to think about
abortion because it still feels so unreal early on in the pregnancy. But in her generation,
adoption was a bad and scary thing. Nobody really knew about it. There was adoption
within our family, where people would adopt their kids out to other relatives, but
I wasn’t going to do that. In her mind I was going to give birth to her granddaughter
and then send her away forever.

Tyler:

My dad was totally against the adoption, too. And as we’ll tell you, they combined
forces to fight us all the way through. Not everyone approved. And we have had people
tell us we took the easy way out. But whoever thinks placing your child for adoption
is the easy way out...that’s just ignorant. If anything, having the child would have
been the easy way out. That’s how it was done in our families, that’s what they wanted,
and that’s what we knew. Or we could have had the abortion, that would have been the
easy way out. For us, adoption was the highest expression of love we could offer.

Tyler:

It’s weird to look back on all of the crazy shit we did, to think about how this one
thing could completely change us and our maturity and morality.

Catelynn:

Shoot, we acted crazy up until the day we found out. And then there was a child growing
inside of me, and that just changed everything.

No teenagers should have to make the difficult decision we had to make. No adult should,
either. But hey, teens, we’re talking to you in particular: Be smart! You can get
condoms. There’s no reason to risk putting yourselves in the position we ended up
in. The only positive pregnancy test you ever want to see is one you’re actively hoping
and planning for. Be safe, use protection, or wait to have sex until you’re ready
to do it responsibly. And if you’re not ready for sex at all? Don’t have it! You are
in control of that decision. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise, and don’t ever
let anyone convince you that it’s not worth it to take precautions against pregnancy.

Parents, talk to your kids! We know you might not like to think of your kids having
sex at all. And by all means, tell them not to if that’s what you want to do! But
we strongly suggest you also make sure they know it’s not an all or nothing decision.
Abstinence might be the best choice, but if your teenager does end up choosing to
have sex, as many, many teenagers do, we hope they know they don’t have to do it recklessly.
Ultimately, those intimate decisions will be in their hands. We can only hope that
they have all the knowledge they can possibly have to help them make the choice and
handle it in the best way possible.

Cate and I didn’t plan on pregnancy. And once it happened, the last thing we wanted
to do was make this huge, painful decision. No teenager is prepared for that, and
no mother or father is naturally inclined to consider a choice as drastic as full-time
parenthood or adoption. For us, as naturally selfish teenagers, deciding to place
our daughter for adoption would be (and still is) the hardest decision we have ever
made. Nobody
wants
to go through the intense grief and loss that are involved in that process. No one
wants to make such a giant sacrifice. But once you’re pregnant, it doesn’t matter
what you want anymore. Carelessly following your own desires is what gets you into
that situation in the first place! Once you’re pregnant, every decision you make has
to be about that baby.

No child is asked to be brought into this world and no child picks and chooses his
or her parents. A child relies on its parents to provide the life they deserve. If
you’re not sure you can provide that life, be safe and do what you can so that you
never get stuck with such a dilemma in the first place!

Making the decision was only the beginning. When we chose to place our child for adoption,
we knew we were in for an emotional journey. What else could it be? Make no mistake:
We wished more than anything in the world that we could parent this baby. We dreamed
about it day in and day out. But at the end of every dream was the harsh realization
that we couldn’t give her what we wanted to give her. There was absolutely nothing
we could do to guarantee this baby the safe and happy home that we desperately wanted
to provide.

That was an emotional battle we had to face. But what we didn’t know was that some
of the people we counted on would turn against us. See, not everyone was proud of
us for making this choice. And the ones who disagreed went to unbelievable lengths
to undermine our decision, challenge our courage, and sabotage our plans. From the
first call to the adoption counselor all the way to the delivery room, we had to charge
head-on through every layer of dysfunction in our homes, our families, and our lives.

Each of us had a parent who supported our decision. And each of us had a parent who
could not have been more adamantly against it. Unfortunately for us, the ones who
stood against us were completely united with each other. Because right before we found
out about the pregnancy, our own respective dysfunctional parents decided they were
in love with each other.

We were in for a hell of a rough ride.

Tyler:

Never in a million years did I expect my father to start dating my girlfriend’s mom.

Catelynn:

I saw it coming a mile away. As soon as Tyler’s dad got out of prison the second time,
as soon as I met him, I thought, “Oh, no. He is exactly my mom’s type.” I tried to
tell Tyler there would be trouble if they ever came across each other. I said, “Tyler,
we cannot let them meet.” Tyler didn’t get it. He thought I was crazy.

Tyler:

I really didn’t sense the danger of them getting together. All I could think was,
“I’m pretty sure your mom can resist an ex-con straight out of prison. Why would she
jump for a guy like that?” But Catelynn would just shake her head and say, “I’m telling
you, Tyler. I’m telling you. I don’t want them to meet.”

Then one day I was visiting with him, and Catelynn came over with her mom to pick
me up. I introduced my dad to her mom. Sure enough, the next thing you know, sparks
were flying and it was happening. Catelynn was totally one hundred percent right.

It was still confusing to me, because from where we were standing it was such an obviously
bad idea. But at the same time, I felt where Catelynn’s mom was coming from. Like
I’ve said, my dad’s a very good talker. He can make almost anything sound really good,
regardless of whether or not it is.

As soon as it started up, I looked for a chance to try and talk Cate’s mom out of
it. I waited until she was sober, pulled her aside, and said, “I’m telling you right
now: You do not wanna be with this guy.” I told her about all of the drugs, the jail
time, and all of the other things he’d done. I told her he’d talked out of his ass
for his whole life, he was completely unreliable, he was an addict, he wasn’t capable
of holding up a relationship. I told her all this over the course of a forty-five
minute conversation. But she already had the hearts in her eyes, and it was just in
one ear and out the other.

Catelynn:

Watching my mom on TV, people don’t get the best impression of her. Sometimes it seems
like she’s just home drunk all the time. That’s not the case at all. She’s an addict,
but she’s always worked her ass off to have her own money and a place to live where
she wasn’t leaning on a man to cover the bills. But at the same time, she hated to
be alone, and she didn’t always pick the best guys. And that’s putting it lightly.
In the case of Tyler’s dad, she wasn’t even his only girlfriend! She was the side-chick!
Most women would not have put up with that. But she was so invested in him, so fast,
that she said, “I’ll wait for him! I’ll wait for him to pick me!”

Obviously a major part of their connection was that they were both partiers.

Tyler:

My dad told Cate’s mom from the beginning that he was not a one-woman man. He was
a player and he made it clear from the get-go. And I tried to make it clear to her
that he was being honest. But as it turned out, the other girlfriend was not so into
the drugs and the partying. She was another woman who deserved better, but the difference
was that she knew it. She had her own business and didn’t want to mess up her life.

So my dad turned toward the woman he knew would put up with all the wild stuff, and
that was Cate’s mom. He knew he could get high and come home and she wouldn’t care.
He saw a chance to do what he wanted with no consequences, so he went for it. Plus,
Cate’s mom could keep up. It was more fun.

Catelynn:

They hadn’t even been dating for more than a couple of months when we moved into the
new trailer. And then, all of a sudden, Tyler’s dad was staying there every day. I
said, “Mom, what the hell? I thought no one was moving in!” She told me he was just
staying for a little while. But sure as shit, within a couple of weeks, he’d moved
in.

One day we came home and they were both drunk at the kitchen table. As soon as we
walked in they threw up their arms, gave us these big grins, and announced that they
were getting married.

“Sure, drunk-asses.” We assumed it was just the booze talking, or it was a joke. But
the joke was on us. The next time we came home, they had a freaking marriage license.
They’d only been together for three or four months. We never even had time to talk
them out of it.

We were freaking out. We knew it wasn’t going to last forever, but we also knew there’d
be trouble for as long as it did. They were addicts, and their relationship was the
perfect environment for their worst habits to come out. As it turned out, they stayed
married for six years. Every one of those years was bad news. But the main thing that
came out of the first year was that they turned on us.

Tyler:

We were sixteen years old. Catelynn was pregnant. In just a handful of months, she
was going to give birth to our baby. And during those months, we had to wrap our minds
and hearts around the decision to place that baby for adoption. No matter which way
you looked at it, we were two scared, overwhelmed kids who were about as emotionally
vulnerable as you could imagine. If we had ever needed the full love and support of
our parents, we needed it right then.

But instead of being there for us, my dad and Cate’s mom joined forces to fight us
tooth and nail all the way through. They fought us at home, they fought us in court.
From the day we decided to make an adoption plan to the day we said goodbye to our
newborn daughter, my dad and Cate’s mom did everything they could to stand in our
way.

Catelynn:

Our situation was horrible, but it wasn’t exactly rare. Even when adoption is obviously
the best choice, there’s no end to the number of people who will try to talk the birth
parents out of it. There are a lot of reasons behind that opposition, and it’s different
for every situation. Adoption isn’t just emotional for the birth parents. It can bring
up a lot of difficult feelings for the extended birth family, too. Clashing values
and misconceptions about adoptions are just a couple pieces of the puzzle.