Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (23 page)

D
omestic violence is devastating. While abusive acts are committed by both men and women, approximately 95 percent of domestic violence victims are women. And many of these women blame themselves for the abuse, which further fuels the cycle of violence. Domestic violence refers to a pattern of coercive and violent behavior exercised by one adult in an intimate relationship with another.
¹

Many victims find themselves thrown into the ditch of domestic violence. And as they repeatedly try to escape, they’re violently shoved back in to suffer more abuse. The violation of a trusted relationship produces severe pain. In the midst of it all one can find comfort in Psalm 34:18: “The L
ORD
is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Like a volcano, abuse doesn’t start with a sudden outburst of physical force, but rather with intense internal pressure in need of an outlet. Abusive patterns develop in three stages that are cyclical and become increasingly violent. Family members who fall victim to these patterns can feel traumatized by the mere anticipation of a violent eruption. Unfortunately, the escalating nature of abuse is rarely curbed without intervention and adequate accountability. Psalm 10:15 says, “Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out.”

Agitated Stage:
An environment of tension and anxiety marks the beginning phase of abuse. The husband communicates his dissatisfaction over something small and blames his wife. Through verbal and emotional abuse, a husband maintains
passive psychological control
over his wife and creates fear of impending disaster. During this stage many women buy into the lies spoken to them and accept responsibility for their husbands’ unhappiness. Then they try to adjust their own behavior in an effort to please their husbands and relieve the tension in their homes.

“From the fruit of his lips a man enjoys good things, but the unfaithful have a craving for violence”

(P
ROVERBS
13:2).

Acute Stage:
In this phase, the pressure becomes so intense that the abuser erupts and gives full vent to his rage. When violent behavior is unleashed, family members, outsiders, or police are often called upon to diffuse the rage. This acute stage of
aggressive behavior
doesn’t last long, but over time these overpowering outbursts tend to become more frequent and more dangerous.

“An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins”

(P
ROVERBS
29:22).

Apologetic Stage:
During this “honeymoon phase,” the abuser becomes contrite, and the wife feels soothed by her husband’s loving actions. This temporary honeymoon phase is characterized by a dramatic transformation from being villainous to virtuous. This transformation is demonstrated by a number of the following: apologies, crying, gifts, helpfulness, bargaining, penitence, peacemaking, accepting responsibility, remorse, romance, promises, pleading. With renewed hope for change and the wife’s deep desire to have a successful marriage, she views her husband’s overtures as apologies and extends forgiveness. But, as with all honeymoons, they don’t last, and the cycle of anger occurs again…and again.

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it”

(P
ROVERBS
27:12).

Violent outbursts can occur at any time and can escalate when a husband senses or is informed his wife is leaving. A wife who is wise will have prepared for the worst by having a safety plan for leaving. For a detailed list of strategies and legal system information, please contact Hope for the Heart toll-free at 1-800-488-HOPE (4673) or
www.HopeForTheHeart.org
.

Some people can’t comprehend the whys of abuse. Why does he do it? Why does she accept it? Within the heart of every person are three God-given inner needs—for love, for significance, and for security.
⁴
At times we attempt to get our needs met illegitimately. The
abuser
abuses his victim in order to
feel significant
. The
abused
stays in the abusive relationship in order to
feel secure
—either because she feels she can’t live without him or feels terrified that the violence will escalate if she leaves him. God’s solution is that they both need to look to the Lord to meet their deepest inner needs.

“The L
ORD
will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail”

(I
SAIAH
58:11).

“She’s to blame for what’s happening. As head of the home, she belongs to me. If I don’t control her, I could lose her, so I’ll do whatever it takes to show her who’s boss.”

“I’m to blame for what he’s doing to me. If I don’t give in to him, I could lose him. He is my security.” Or, “If I don’t give in to him, he could kill me. Pleasing him is my only security.”

“I am the only one responsible for my abusive behavior. She is not to blame. Even if I lose her, I’ll never lose God. He is my source of significance and promises to meet my needs.”

“My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus”

(P
HILIPPIANS
4:19).

“I’m not to blame for my husband’s abuse. Even if I lose him, I will never lose Jesus, who lives in me. Because the Lord promises to be my provider, I will depend on Him to meet all my needs. The Lord is my source of security.”

“For your Maker is your husband—the L
ORD
Almighty is his name”

(I
SAIAH
54:5).

— He grew up watching abuse between his parents.

— He experienced abuse as a child.

— He views her as a possession instead of as a person.

— He thinks using force is his right as a husband.

— He fears losing her.

— He blames her for his low self-esteem.

— He believes his power demonstrates his superiority.

— He wants to feel significant and in control.

— He possesses an unbiblical view of submission.

— He has learned that violence works.

— She is terrified of her husband and what he will do if she leaves.

— She believes abuse is normal and that she must accept it.

— She is afraid he will take her children.

— She has an incorrect understanding of biblical submission.

— She is manipulated by his threats of suicide.

— She blames herself and believes she deserves to be abused.

— She feels that any father for the children is better than no father.

— She fears she can’t make it financially without him.

— She has been told she is insane, and she fears that is true.

— She doesn’t know there are organizations and services that can help her.

In the Bible a hierarchy of submission exists, with God being the highest authority. Scripture reveals that godly people sometimes physically separate from their ungodly authorities. Biblically, we are to submit to our governing authorities, yet David fled King Saul with God’s blessing. Although David was one of the king’s subjects, when Saul’s actions became violent, David escaped:

“The L
ORD
was with David but had left Saul… Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall. That night David made good his escape”

(1 S
AMUEL
18:12; 19:10).

— She finally realizes he will not change if circumstances remain the same.

— She understands that leaving may be the only way to get her husband to change.

— He is now acting out his threats of abuse.

— His abuse is occurring more frequently.

— He has begun to abuse the children.

— She wants to prevent the children from imitating his behavior.

— She has found help through friends, family, church, or professional organizations.

— She realizes it is not God’s will for anyone to be abused.

— She is afraid for her life or for the lives of her children.

— She realizes there is a thin line between threats and homicide.

The Bible teaches wives are to submit to their husbands. So isn’t leaving an abusive husband against the teaching of the Bible? No. The Bible gives specific instruction to the wife of a hot-tempered man. When she is in danger, temporary separation is appropriate:

“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered”

(P
ROVERBS
22:24).

Today is the day to come out of the ditch of domestic violence…
and stay out
. Allow God to help you build boundaries that will curtail codependant habits and eventually put you on the Road to Transformation, where Christlike maturity protects and takes mastery over all your relationships.