Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (32 page)

G
rief
is a heart response to hurt, a painful emotion of sorrow caused by the loss or impending loss of someone or something that has deep meaning to us. Grief can dig a “ditch of dependency” with deep ruts of anguish, depression, and isolation—strong emotions very difficult to pull yourself out of. God understands our anguish; even the Lord Jesus is described in the Bible as a “Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3
NKJV
). But we can also be assured that our pain is always purposeful, and when grief accomplishes its work, a deep well has been carved within us that God, in His time, will fill with joy, peace, and contentment. Lamentations 3:32-33 says, “Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.”

“I need to get my act together. I’ve got to snap out of this.”

These thoughts reveal unrealistic expectations about grieving and a failure to understand the grief process and the slow journey of restoration. While stages of grief do exist, they may be experienced with varying degrees of intensity. Some may also be missed, and some stages may be repeated. Give yourself permission to unpredictably experience the stages of grieving as you trust God to bring new life again.

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up”

(P
SALM
71:20).

Crisis Stage:
This can last from two days to two weeks. In this stage of grief, you carry out your daily activities in a mechanical manner. Characteristics include:

Anxiety/fear

Appetite/sleep loss

Limited concentration

Confusion

Denial

Disturbing dreams

Shock/numbness

Uncontrollable crying

Crucible Stage:
This can last up to a year or two or more, perhaps even until death if grief is not resolved. Characteristics include:

Anger/resentment

Anguish

Bargaining with God

Depression/sadness

Loneliness/isolation

Self-pity

Intense yearning

Guilt/false guilt

Contentment Stage:
This stage accepts the loss, leaving it in the past. This stage not only accepts that the present offers stability, but also accepts that the future offers new and promising hope (Philippians 3:13; 4:11). Characteristics include:

Greater compassion toward others

Greater acceptance of others

Greater humility before others

Greater dependence on the Lord

New ability to leave loss behind

New patterns for living

New hope for the future

New contentment in all circumstances

Chronic Grief:
This is an unresolved, deep sorrow experienced over a long period of time due to not accepting or not experiencing closure over a significant loss.
¹
The personal pain is buried so deeply the ability to experience real grief and let go of the loss is blocked. Chronic grief can be resolved by facing the loss and grieving it.

Repressed Grief:
This is an unidentified, unexpressed, unresolved grief exhibited in unexplainable negative lifestyle patterns. Repressed grief can be overcome by taking the following “Time Line Test”:

—
Draw
a line representing your life.

—
Divide
the line into sections: childhood, adolescence, adulthood.

—
Denote
on the page the major events of each time period.

—
Determine
unresolved hurts and losses that occurred in those stages.

—
Define
the painful events you need to grieve: “I felt abandoned when…”

—
Decide
to genuinely grieve your losses.

—
Defuse
the power of these losses by sharing them.

—
Deepen
your dependence on the Lord to set you emotionally free.

“In my anguish I cried to the L
ORD
,
and he answered by setting me free”

(P
SALM
118:5).

The work of accepting the reality of your unwanted loss may consume all your energy, but your efforts will succeed when you focus on being the person God wants you to be through your season of sorrow (see Colossians 3:23).

—
Pray
for God’s help in embracing your grief (Psalm 34:17-18).

—
Recall
your losses, then write about your losses (Psalm 51:6).

—
Weep
over your losses (Psalm 30:5).

—
Complete
each loss by writing the word
past
beside it and saying, “I will be content to leave this event in the past” (1 Timothy 6:6).

—
Memorize
Psalm 119:28,50,101,156.

—
Give thanks
to God for all He has taught you and how He will use your past in the future (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

—
Choose
to live one day at a time (Matthew 6:34).

—
Put
the Lord at the center of your life (Matthew 16:24).

—
Go
to God with your specific questions; make a list (James 1:5).

—
Thank
God for providing everything you need for life (2 Peter 1:3).

—
Praise
God that though your situation has changed, He will never leave you (Hebrews 13:5).

—
Focus
on the joy and satisfaction of helping others; make a list (Galatians 6:2).

—
Hope
in the plans that God has for your future (Jeremiah 29:11).

—
Know
that your sorrow and grief will not be wasted (Psalm 119:71).

—
Put
all of your hope in God (Psalm 62:5).

—
Have
faith in God, whom you cannot see (2 Corinthians 4:18).

—
Know
that God will fill the void in your life (Isaiah 43:18-19).

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it”

(P
ROVERBS
27:12).

The path for recovery requires ministering to
body, soul, and spirit
to diminish painful emotions and find your way out of the ditch of despondency. A new path can be charted on which renewed peace is possible and Christlike maturity is manifested even in the most grievous circumstances.

Having people around who genuinely care about you is essential—people who accept you wherever you are in the grieving process and encourage you to share your feelings.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”

(P
ROVERBS
27:17).

Expressing emotions honestly, openly, and as frequently as needed is vital to walking through grief in a healthy, productive way.

“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy”

(P
SALM
126:5).

One way to feel good about life, even while mourning, is attending social activities and interacting with others on a regular basis.

“Let us not give up meeting together… but let us encourage one another”

(H
EBREWS
10:25).

Being able to be yourself with someone and share your struggles, troubled thoughts, and swinging emotions—and still be accepted and affirmed—is healing to the soul.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”

(E
CCLESIASTES
4:9-10).

If you have unresolved issues, anger, or hostile feelings regarding your loss, take the time to list your resentments along with their causes. Journaling can bring buried emotions to the surface. Release into the hands of God each offender and the pain of each offense. Pray, “Lord, You know the pain I have felt over (
situations
). I release all that pain into Your hands and, as an act of my will, I choose to forgive (or release) (
person’s name
). Thank You, Lord Jesus, for setting me free.”

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”

(E
PHESIANS
4:32).

Grieving often disturbs regular sleep patterns and disrupts prolonged periods of sleeping, so getting sufficient rest during the grieving process is often a challenge—but doing so is critically important to the body.

“The L
ORD
replied, ‘My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest’”

(E
XODUS
33:14).

Because the sense of thirst frequently goes unnoticed during the grieving process, drinking nonalcoholic and caffeine-free fluids is important. Eat daily portions of food from each of the four basic food groups and avoid skipping meals. Don’t become dependent on eating junk foods, smoking, or drinking alcohol.