Cowboy Cool: Book 5 (Cowboy Justice Association) (34 page)

R
eed’s voice trailed off as he finished telling his story to Sonny. Instead of the shocked expression Reed had expected, the older man nodded and looked sad.

“Julie always was a handful of trouble. I’m surprised to hear that she asked you to do that because I know she wanted badly to live longer.”

Reed shook his head in denial. “She wanted to die. She asked me twice, and when I wouldn’t do it she was angry with me.”

Sonny rubbed his chin in thought. “No, she wanted to live. She agreed to try that new treatment in hopes of prolonging her life. Don’t you remember?”

Frowning, Reed couldn’t understand why his father-in-law was saying these things. Julie had always been adamant about intervention.

“No, she never did,” Reed repeated stubbornly. “She hated me because I didn’t help her die. I let her down, Sonny.”

“No, son, you didn’t let her down. She agreed to try the experimental treatment but then she took a turn for the worse and they couldn’t do it. That was in—oh, April I think.”

Desperately, Reed casted back to spring of that year, trying to make sense of Sonny’s story. “I don’t remember that at all, and I was with her practically all the time.”

“Well,” Sonny said thoughtfully, “you weren’t there when your dad had that heart procedure done. You were gone about a week or so. In fact, I don’t remember you at that appointment with the doctor, but hold on. I can look it up.”

“Look it up?” Reed repeated. “You have a record?”

Sonny was already rummaging through a desk drawer in the living room. “Here it is. Ellie kept track of everything, you know. It would be in here.” He placed the large journal type notebook on the table between them and thumbed through the pages. “April 14th. ‘Sonny, Julie, and I went to the doctor today and she finally agreed to try the treatment hoping for maybe six more months. I’d love to have more time with my baby girl and I pray the treatments won’t make her sick or hurt worse. Reed is going to be so happy at the news when he gets back.’”

Staring at the pages, Reed shook his head again. “But no one ever told me.”

“I doubt we had a chance. Or maybe Ellie thought I did and I thought she did. Anyway, Julie took a turn, and isn’t that why you came back to Denver so quickly?”

Rubbing his forehead, memories of the past that he’d pushed away for so long had come rushing painfully back. Julie had only lived another month after that, each day growing weaker until she’d finally faded away.

“Yes, I remember now. She was back in the hospital by the time I came back. She was angry that I’d left.”

“She was angry at everyone, son, although I’ll admit she mostly took it out on you. But she was still difficult with her mother and me. It was partly her fury about being sick but the tumor was the other reason. It made her say things and act in ways she didn’t mean. Not really. Reed, she didn’t want to die and she sure as hell wasn’t angry with you. She loved you. I’m an old man but I know that for sure.”

His chest ached as he recalled how angry Julie had been, the things she’d say. But then she could also be sweet and loving too. At those times he’d felt like he had his wife back.

“She said I let her down, that I didn’t love her. Kaylee said–”

“Kaylee?” Sonny interrupted, a grin spreading across his face. “Please tell me Kaylee is a woman. It’s about damn time.”

His former father-in-law was okay with Reed being in love with another woman?

“She is,” he began cautiously, “a woman I’ve been seeing. I told her about me and Julie.”

“Of course you did,” Sonny agreed, getting up to refill his cup and offering more coffee to Reed. “Does she agree with your assessment?”

Reed shook his head and held his hand over his cup. “No, not at all. She said Julie asked me because she knew I would say no. That I would never do it so it was safe to talk about it. Kaylee said that Julie was angry with me because she was so secure in my love. She knew I would never leave her.”

“Sounds like good logic. Julie did know you loved her.” Sonny leaned forward. “You need to know that she bragged on you all the time. When anyone asked about her husband, she would tell them how you took care of her and how devoted you were. Real pride in her voice. Even before she got sick she talked about you that way. I think she just stopped saying it to you.”

“She was scared.” The words came out choked as his eyes filled with tears. “She was so damn scared of dying, Sonny. And I couldn’t fix that for her.”

The older man’s eyes were bright as well, his hands shaking as he clasped them together. “I couldn’t either and I was her father. She was my one and only little girl and I was helpless to stop what was happening. We tried everything we could to bring her comfort but Julie didn’t want to die. Plain and simple. It was only the last day or two when she was so sick that I think she finally accepted it to some degree. But you didn’t fail her, son. Never that.”

“I want to believe that.”

Sonny closed the journal and pushed it across the table. “I think I can help you. Ellie kept a journal from when Julie was diagnosed until the funeral. Some of the entries have Julie’s thoughts as well. I think you should have them.” He patted the notebook. “There’s several more. I don’t need them anymore, but you do.”

Sonny stood again and went back the large desk, opening and shutting drawers before bringing back a stack of four more journals. “I honestly don’t know whether this is going to help or hurt. Reliving all that might not be a good thing with you ready to start a new life with this Kaylee.”

“What makes you think I’m looking to start a life with her?” Reed asked, looking up at Sonny with shock. He hadn’t said a word to anyone that his thoughts were going that direction.

“You wouldn’t be here talking about this unless you were.”

Sonny set the books on the table next to the other journal. Reed reached out and leafed through them quickly. All hand written, his mother-in-law had painstakingly recorded every single day, down to the doctor’s visits and what medication Julie had taken. Even how much she had slept or what she’d eaten.

“I don’t know how to thank you.” His eyes burned trying to hold back the tears that would surely come as he read through these notebooks.

Sonny grinned again, his face lighting up. “You already have. You loved my daughter, Reed. I couldn’t have asked for a better man for her or a son-in-law for me.” The older man scratched his head and sighed. “I think you know that we didn’t want you and Julie to marry so young. It seemed like you both needed to live independently, grow a little before you settled down. But considering the way everything turned out I’m glad you did get married. You made my daughter happy and a father can’t ask for more than that.”

With that endorsement ringing in his ears, Reed gathered up the notebooks and bid goodbye, his throat tight with emotion he couldn’t begin to express. Both men knew he was anxious to read them, even knowing how painful it would be.

“Don’t be so much of a stranger, son. And bring your girl around so I can meet her. I don’t get out much anymore but I sure like visitors.”

Reed couldn’t help but return the man’s smile. He’d forgotten how much he liked Sonny’s genial, non-demanding company. “If I can ever get her to come to Montana I promise you’ll get to meet her.”

“One of those long-distance things, huh? I think you’re man enough to put an end to that and get her here.”

Reed could only hope he was man enough to do what needed to be done. Deal with the past so he could have a future with the woman he loved.

*   *   *   *

Kaylee wrapped her hands around the mug of hot chocolate complete with mini marshmallows and sat down on her couch, tucking her legs underneath her. She’d gone overboard decorating the house this year but she’d been determined not to wallow in self-pity now that Reed was gone.

She had to admit the holiday décor had kept her spirits up through these past few weeks. Decorating the glittering nine-foot tree and hanging garland and lights from the mantle and the handrail on the staircase had kept her from brooding. The fifteen dozen cookies she’d baked hadn’t hurt either. If she ignored the ache in her heart, the only thing suffering was her waistline.

She set the mug down and turned her attention to the package she’d received this morning. It was clearly her name on the label but it was the return address that had her on pins and needles.

Reed.

This was the first communication she’d had from him in weeks, and here it was Christmas Eve. Instead of opening it when she’d received it, she’d waited until almost midnight, knowing Reed liked to open his gifts on Christmas.

“Just open it. What’s the worst thing it could be? A picture of his new girlfriend?”

Setting her mug on the coffee table, she picked up the scissors and snipped through the tape. The box was large and heavy so perhaps photos of his new, happy life without her were out of the question. Pushing back the cardboard, her breath caught in her throat and tears trembled on the tip of her lashes.

He’d remembered… everything.

There was a huge golden box of the dark chocolate Godivas she liked to eat while she wrote. Bars of the semi-sweet chocolate she used when making cookies. Several bags of the flavored coffees she loved to drink along with pretty fabric-covered notebooks and colored pens. A jar of pistachios. And last but certainly not least a hardbound copy of
Pride and Prejudice
. He’d listened when she’d told him her favorite book.

Hugging the book to her chest, she let the tears slip down her cheeks, the tree lights blurring. They weren’t tears of sadness though. Kaylee was happy. Reed hadn’t forgotten her. In fact, he hadn’t forgotten a thing about her. It was the most wonderful gift she’d ever been given.

“I love you,” she whispered. “I miss you. Keep fighting, Reed. Don’t give in.”

*   *   *   *

Reed halted the horse just at the edge of the creek that ran through his family’s land. It was crazy to come out here, at least that’s what his brothers had said when he’d saddled up for a moonlit ride on Christmas Eve. It was colder than hell and there was snow in the forecast but he’d been determined to make this trip.

This had been Julie’s favorite place to ride. They’d spent many summer nights lying on a blanket staring up at the stars. Holding hands. Kissing and more. It had been…their place. He hadn’t been there since she’d gone, hadn’t had the courage to face it alone.

But he didn’t feel alone. He had Kaylee in his corner even if they hadn’t spoken. Strangely, his love had only grown stronger with the separation instead of waning. It was no here today and gone tomorrow emotion. He would love her forever.

He cleared his tight throat and blinked away the moisture that had already gathered in his eyes.

“Hi, Sunshine. We haven’t talked in awhile and that’s my fault. I thought you were angry with me. I thought I’d failed you. I had a long talk with Sonny and I see things different now.” Reed had to clear his throat again, his voice shaky. “I’ll always remember what we had. It was good, wasn’t it? I know now how hard you fought to live. I know how scared you were and I hope you’ve found peace now.”

The horse underneath him shifted impatiently in the bitter wind, wanting the warmth of the barn and a bucket of oats. But Reed had a few more things to say.

“I’ve met someone. You’d like her. She’s a wonderful woman. Her name is Kaylee and she makes me really happy. She got me a Christmas present.”

He pulled down the zipper on his heavy coat just enough to reach in and pull out the red and gold box he’d stared at every day since he left Illinois. It was Christmas Eve and there was no reason not to open the present.

Carefully prying up the ends, he slid his finger under the tape, revealing a plain brown box. Shaking the lid off, he smiled as he held a beautiful hardback edition of
To Kill a Mockingbird
. He ran his finger down the gilt-edged spine and smiled as he remembered that first day when they’d talked about anything and everything. They’d each shared their favorite book of all time. He hoped she enjoyed her gift as much as he loved his own.

Gently he placed it back in the box and under his coat again, zipping it closed to keep it out of the wind and the snow that was beginning to fall. He’d find a place of honor for it on his bookshelf.

“I want you to know that I’ll always love you, Julie. Loving Kaylee doesn’t take away from what you and I had. But I’ve wasted too many years feeling guilty. I hope you understand. If I can persuade Kaylee to come to Montana, I’ll bring her here and tell her about you. She has such a big heart.”

Reed gazed up at the twinkling stars, his hands tightening on the reins. Funny how he felt Julie’s presence more these days but it wasn’t a burden. It was a comfort.

“Merry Christmas, Julie.”

He turned the horse back toward the ranch house, his head clear for the first time in a long time. His heart ached for what might have been but also for what could be. Had he waited too long? Did Kaylee still love him?

*   *   *   *

“Did you learn anything reading through your mother-in-law’s journals?” Tanner asked Reed the day after Christmas while they finished the large pizza with everything between them. Reed had just finished telling the long and sometimes maudlin story to his friend in hopes of getting some good advice.

Tanner had been shocked by Reed’s revelation. Apparently “widowed” had never even been on the list of possibilities for the secret that he had been keeping. They’d thought he might be a secret spy before a bereaved husband.

“Sonny was right. Julie did agree to the experimental treatment while I was here with my dad in the hospital. She just never got to try it. Somehow it was never mentioned to me since we were all worried about her. Anyway, it’s good to know she did want to live.”

“Just like you found out, the instinct to survive is strong,” Tanner observed, pushing his empty plate away. They’d spent the better part of the last two hours talking and demolishing lunch.

“It was fucking exhausting reading those journals. Living through that time again, but dammit, I’m glad I did. The tumor messed with Julie’s emotions and moods. She couldn’t help herself and now that I have some perspective I can see that she did it with others too.”