Dads: A gay couple's surrogacy journey in India (13 page)

Needless to say that Alex and I are worried sick at this point, not knowing how serious the bradycardia is and if we are going to lose one of the fetuses.

Finding the right words to put this in writing hasn't been easy, after all, this is a "life & death" issue. I get really defensive about losing this “life” (particularly given the recent global debate about abortion at the RNC) and the anxiousness of not knowing what is going on is extremely stressful, and we feel slightly abandoned by Mumbai right now at this critical junction. We were so looking forward to these photos and it's been five days since we should've gotten the report and we still wait… It's excruciatingly painful.

The next ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday, and we naturally hope for the best. We hope that the hCG treatment does the trick and that A recovers. We hope that the doctors were wrong, we hope that it will all work out, and you know what they say, hope is the last thing that'll abandon you… Yet right now I feel abandoned!

Here you are! Your dad and I couldn't be more proud, although, I'd have to lie if I pretended to understand much of what I see on the images…

The very first picture we have of you… guys...

The pics are shaky and I can't really see that much, so even zooming in doesn't make it better, quite the contrary, seems the image is best viewed just as it is to the left.

Fact is that we have two embryos in somewhat different stages of development (how that is possible given they were conceived on the same day is for the experts to explain). A being 0.31 cm long, corresponding to 5w6d and B being 0.65 cm long, corresponding to 6w4d.

The really worrying part is, of course, the bradycardia I spoke about yesterday. It seems the heart rate is only 81 bpm (beats per minute), which is significantly below the ~110 bpm that experts expect in a fetus at this stage and I guess the size of the embryo says something, too.

But we continue to hear good things from friends who tell us not to worry, that the beta hCG treatment will do wonders and that all will be fine.

What parent wouldn't opt to believe that?

Right now, we hope and hope and hope for the best, and here's a message to our two little ones there in Mumbai: your dads think about you every waking minute and we want you to know how precious you are to us. If there was anything we could do to help you through this, we would. But at this stage, we put our faith in our doctors and we ask you to literally hang in there, be strong, grow and develop so that we may take you in our arms come next April. Deal?

Love, Bappi

PS: I was expressing my disappointment with the
agency
yesterday for lack of news. Turns out that the monsoon struck
Mumbai
hard yesterday with torrential rains that literally “shut off” uptown Mumbai. The agency was closed as no staff could make it to work. Credit is due, where credit is due, and yesterday was all due to the weather!

For five weeks, I've been suffering from increasing pain, first in my shoulder, neck and shoulder, then in my left arm. No amount or sort of pain killers (including morphine) have really done the trick. A scheduled MRI had to be aborted last Friday due to the immense pain and feeling of 'cramps' in my left shoulder…

Luckily, they were able to take a few shots and those photos show a herniated disk in my neck. The hernia pushes directly on my spine and apparently the nerves connecting to my left shoulder and arm. With a change of drugs (specifically targeting nerve pain), a new MRI scheduled and finally knowing the “
enemy
“, the doctor promised me that I'd be well again, no matter whether it be through surgery or if the hernia heals by itself…

Our second photo of our little one(s), taken 9/6.

Which brings me to yesterday's news from Mumbai. The news was both grim and positive. It seems as if we really are losing one of the two embryos. While it is still hanging in there, with a heartbeat at 85 beats per minute, there is no growth (still at 0.31 cm), and it is only a matter of time before mother nature sees it fit to end that fledgling lump of life.

From what I can read online, this isn't unusual. Because most women are unaware of their pregnancy at this stage (and certainly haven't been to an ultrasound), researchers think that twin pregnancies are a lot more common than we think (~4 of 10), but that most “vanish” in the beginning of the pregnancy, as I mentioned last week.

Naturally, we find that sad, but on the other hand, we assume there is a good reason for mother nature to end pregnancies that - if carried to term - might lead to illness and disabilities. At this stage, it's impossible to know. It is what it is, no matter what we think of it, no matter what we wish it would be. Personally, I won't give up hope until the fat lady has done her 'thing', but it certainly does look grim.

Which leaves us to worry about YOU. Last Thursday (i.e. 5 days ago), you came in at a staggering 1.39 cm with a heart rate of 169 bpm. Just imagine the growth since the first ultrasound. You more than doubled in size in that short time! I can only imagine what you look like today, with another five days of growth under your belt.

Your dad and I look forward to future updates and photos, and I promise that I'll be healthy come April, so that I can take you in my arms without pain. Because I want you to be absolutely sure that the tears in my eyes are pure joy, nothing else!

Just a quick note today.

No news (is good news) from Mumbai. We are at day 6 of week 9 or
gestational
day 48 (whichever way you count) of our pregnancy. I've received some loving tweets, comments and e-mails over the past 48 hours and it makes me feel really good.

After 200 (give or take a few) successful pregnancies, our
agency
in Mumbai has couples expecting babies all over the world, some of them are about as far gone as we, and it is so fulfilling to hear about so many couples who overcome all the gargantuan obstacles that societies, mother nature, religion and prejudice have put in our ways.

From the USA to Singapore, the UK and Denmark, we are not alone in this, and I felt I wanted to acknowledge the amazing efforts taking place all over the globe to become parents, bringing us together as families. It's quite wondrous!

As I get more information about the processes to bring our babies home to our different countries, what it entails in terms of legal issues (guardianship, adoption by our husbands/wives/partners, etc.), I will try to share this with you as I understand that quite a few have started the process “after” us, many of you not from Sweden, and you seem to be following us on our roller coaster ride.

I just hope we don't put you off… Because no matter what, the outcome is TOTALLY WORTH IT!

“The embryonic pole is defined with no evidence of cardiac activity”

That's the medical way to tell us that one of our “little ones” didn't make it beyond the ninth week. Naturally, Alex and I are hurting.

Here you are, looking human already. 7 cm long!

Believe me, it is a weird state of mind to be in, to feel the loss of something that many don't even consider life, given current abortion limits of up to 22 weeks in many countries. But to us, the loss feels real, and it hurts. Yet at the same time, the distance and the circumstances of our pregnancy make this oddly clinical and clean. It's a mixed bag, that's for sure.

At least we got some reassuring words from our friends at the clinic in Mumbai. We also learned that our surrogate is finally reunited with her family (which is really important to us and for the development of the fetus, yes, you are no longer an embryo now).

I'm sure that we'll feel okay in time, and once our child is born, it will have been worth it. Apparently, twin pregnancies in the early stage (when most women aren't even aware of it) are much more frequent than what people are aware of. Three ultrasounds at week 9 are quite unusual…

We now focus our attention on the one embryo left, you! Your father and I have already chosen the name you will carry. Sascha, if you're a boy, and Pascale, if you're a girl. You will also receive additional middle names to reflect your grandparents, great grandparents and your Indian heritage. This is very important to both your dad and I, because we feel it important to have that tie that silently and invisibly runs through the fabric of life and family. But for now, we'll keep those names close to our chest…

Yes, this is how old I was (and ugly)

when I came up with your name...

As for Sascha and Pascale, these names have been chosen about 38 years ago. I was but a small boy when I first came up with those names. I always wanted a large family, three to four children, and the first names I came up with, and the ones I remember, are Sascha and Pascal. I had a boyhood friend called Pascal, and I thought it was a beautiful name, the same being true for Sascha (although I don't remember where I found it). Both names are unisex and can be used for both boys and girls, but your dad and I thought we'd split it up this way.

And if we decide to try for a sibling of yours next year, we will be able to use the second name, no matter what. And we are fairly sure that we want to try again, for several reasons.

First of all, we feel that kids who have siblings grow up to be more social and less “spoiled” than singlets. And a single child in a rainbow family is destined to be spoiled rotten. We've seen that. A sibling is a companion you have for life, whether you have friends or not, and even once you’re older, as a neighbor and friend told me last week. As a single child, she has to care for her parents on her own, no one to counsel, no one to help her. We may not think about these long-term consequences when we consider the decision of creating another child, but maybe we should. While a play-buddy to give parents a chance to catch their breath and take care of e.g. laundry is close to your parents’ heart, we also try to think about the long term implications, 20, 40, 60 years down the line… (I guess that is one of the advantages of "planned parenthood" as opposed to getting knocked up after a Friday night binge-drinking adventure…)