Dads: A gay couple's surrogacy journey in India (11 page)

I can understand why the “market” looks like it does and that most men who become fathers have a woman by their side. But what I don't understand is that authors of such books aren't more inclusive to other audiences. After all, single women become mothers, people lose their partners to accidents and rainbow families are becoming more and more common. But even worse than that is the stereotyping of men and women into traditional roles. I mean a book that tells fathers not to be too drunk in the delivery room, how can anyone take it seriously?

Either I have a completely wacko image of what it means to become a father or the world is in a pretty sad state if that is what's expected of a dad… Or is it really necessary to write in a book to be “supportive of your partner.” At least they consider the fact that not all couples are married, but don't assume for a second that said partner isn't a woman. Is this necessary advice today? How sad this makes me feel for the women out there with such men at their side.

Personally, I feel the need to learn how to hold a child properly, how to know when to feed hir, when to change hir, when and how to clean hir, and all the subtle signs kids will give you about their well being (or lack thereof). I just hope my mom will still be alert enough in her dementia that I can pick her brain and I'm thankful to have quite a few parents in my circle of friends to ask when the time comes…

Oh well, it is what it is… Luckily,
SurrogacyIndia
has some great videos and tips on their website for us future parents about baby care. I think I'll be more successful in finding information online these days than in a book store.

Today, we are hopefully seven days pregnant with the embryos in the surrogate's womb for the past four days. In another week or so, the first pregnancy test will be conducted. You in there, fight and grow (and stick to the walls of the womb!), and as for you readers, keep your fingers crossed for us! :-)

Day 12 of our adventure, i.e. since the fertilization of the eggs, day 9 since the implantation.

One line for every day that's passing… Right on our fridge!

We actually had to hang up a piece of paper to help us keep track of the days… It's easy to get lost in all those dates. About 10-14 days after implantation, they'll do a first pregnancy test to see if we have something growing or if the attempt has failed. The latter is not unusual. I have several friends who had to try on average three times per child… That says a lot.

So here I sit, waiting for news, waiting for anything, trying to learn a little bit about the legislation around becoming a parent, and how far behind it is with regards to medical technologies.

Here in Sweden, the “woman carrying the baby” is automatically guardian of her children, as it's assumed she is the mother. Thirty years ago, I would've agreed. Today, that is no longer automatically the case. Yet, by law, our surrogate will be the legal guardian of a child she is not related to, in a country where she's never set foot. Now that is weird. And since I'm not married to her, I am not automatically the other legal guardian. Our child will only have her as legal guardian and until we sort that out (which, worst case, may be AFTER we are back in Sweden), I wouldn't even be able to get medication from a drug store…

We haven't contacted the authorities yet to figure all this stuff out, because I didn't want to get ahead of things unnecessarily. After all, chances are that we aren't pregnant yet, which would require a second cycle. That will take another month or so to get ready, so no need to get excited quite yet.

However, we do intend to get as much of the legal stuff underway and ready before we fly to India to meet our child.

Our minister of social affairs, a small (minded) man with homophobic convictions based in narrow-minded faiths, recently complained about the fact that faggots were now becoming parents. It defies his idea that marriage is for procreation and thus reserved for a man and woman. If poofs all of a sudden become parents, it robs him of his dearest argument. He lashes out by refusing to investigate the very legislation that keeps throwing rocks into our path to parenthood. Yes, this is Sweden! I cannot fathom what it must be like to go through these procedures in countries that are less 'liberal' than ours. At least here, the whole country ridicules Mr. 3% and his backwards ideas, but unfortunately, the government is relying on the few votes his party provides in parliament to hang on to power. Politics, the whore of what's possible, eh?

So here we are, living this limbo, waiting anxiously for news from Mumbai, good news we hope, but steeling ourselves for bad news. We’re counting the days toward when we can officially announce a pregnancy. For these past weeks, I've had this dream of calling my father and saying, “Ciao Non,” the Raeto-Romanic word for grandpa. I think he'll be thrilled when he hears it and I can't wait for his response. He already knows we're trying, but still.

With my mom, I just hope she'll be healthy enough to help us through the first weeks with the kid, providing me with tips on what to do and how to do it. After all, she was great with my brother and I. However, in all likelihood, she'll forget that she is a “Grosi” the minute we hang up the phone… If only she could hang in there a little longer, just so she can get to experience her grandchild for a while. Who knows, might be therapeutic for her…

We have plenty to think about these days and I don't want to be whining and complaining. After all, we are on the path to parenthood, so all is well after all. And we DO look forward to holding our child in our arms for the first time. It'll all have been worth it!

By the way, there is an entire community of people, groups and couples out there who yearn for information about surrogacy, alternative forms of parenthood, etc. I am in touch with some of them over Twitter. Google is obviously the choice for searching information and even on Facebook there's plenty of information. I was asked by an organization the other day to make some noise about their work, so here we go: 
http://www.cadefoundation.org
. If you live in the United States, they might be a good partner for you. I am more than happy to spread the news of other resources. All you have to do is contact me (and no, this is not a paid service, nor am I paid to do so).

Becoming a parent through IVF is a process with heaps of “ifs” and “buts.” The uncertainty of the process is taking its toll. I discover new grey hairs every day…

This is what you might look like these days…

I'll admit, not a pretty picture.

Today is a big day for us, as our friends at
SurrogacyIndia
in Mumbai will conduct what they call a “
beta pregnancy test
“ to determine if the three eggs they implanted two weeks ago actually got a foothold in our dear surrogate's womb. We won't get the results until Thursday. I first thought it was thanks to the Indian Independence Day tomorrow, another one of the countless public holidays in India, but after having read an article about it, I understand it’s due to the 48 hr interval needed between the two tests to measure the hCG hormone level. I’m learning more and more every day!

This means we get to wait and bite our nails until Thursday. Great! And even if we get a positive result, (please, please, please), we won't know for another two months that everything really IS okay… The article is very honest in pointing out all the additional risks. Even in a normal pregnancy, people normally don't assume anything until the end of the first trimester and even then, you really never
know
. I'm starting to wonder how parents make it through the day in fear for all the risks to their children… *sigh*

You know it's funny. I've actually started to notice (and watch) commercials for kids clothes on TV, I'm reading articles about how technology helps/damages the development of children and at what age you should get acquainted to iPhones, iPads or computers. I look critically at every stroller I see, if the child is looking forward or backward, how easily maneuverable it is, etc. Yes, I can definitively say I'm getting there…

At the same time, I wake up in the middle of the night remembering dreams where I worry about feeding the baby, if I’ll notice that you need feeding every two hours and discussions with the doctors and nurses about whether you actually will wake us or if we'll need to set the clocks at night… 

Yes, I'm getting there, and thank god for an iPhone where you can set the clock every two hours easily. LOL

Alex and I had been visiting our parents this past weekend. It was my mom's (your “Grosi's”) birthday. She looks better physically, the extra protein she ingests every day is clearly making a difference, but her mind is still slipping. Sadly, she asks the same question nine times in one evening, forgetting how old we are and bidding farewell to people who had just arrived. 

I wonder if she'll ever be able to bond with you, and if you’ll make it to this world in time. Not that I think she'll pass on before you're born, but it would be so nice if she could meet you, get to know you, love you and pass on some of that amazing knowledge she has about child rearing to me (after all, she did a pretty good job on my brother and I). 

Only time will tell…

Most likely, she'll forget that you exist the minute you leave her sight and every time she meets you, it'll be like it was the first time… Not sure that's a good thing (because it must be very confusing for her). I think your dad and I will have one heck of a time making sure you don't say anything 'silly' once you can talk… And yes, that is another dream that wakes me up sweating at nights. After all, kids, drunkards & the demented do speak the truth… 

I did suggest to your “Non” (your granddad) that we should all visit India this Christmas & New Year to see the surrogate while she is pregnant, and for my brother, Osvaldo, and my parents to get to know India just a little bit and to learn where you were conceived (provided we actually HAVE a pregnancy). 

Mom still doesn't know. Dad is afraid of telling her, and I keep reminding him that it's not getting easier… I think once we have a positive pregnancy test, he should tell her. I don't see the problem. Why wouldn't she be thrilled over becoming a grandma? Most grandparents I know were thrilled at the prospect and my mom will be thrilled every time she learns about it (which is just about daily), unless of course, this is impactful enough that she actually remembers it, which is really what we hope for.