Dads: A gay couple's surrogacy journey in India (16 page)

Yes, I think it is wrong to lock up pregnant surrogates for nine months, and I was both relieved and happy to hear that ours left the group after a few weeks of intensive tests to be reunited with her husband and three kids. I know that she may have been better off in a group apartment (in terms of sanitary conditions, etc.) but home is always home.

To compare our lifestyle in the west with that of India is hardly conducive, and the claim in the show that 50K SEK (approx. 400,000 rupees or 7,300 USD) is an “insignificant” sum and “only goes to pay a daughter's dowry or education” is arrogant at best. Even for many Swedes, 50K is still a lot of money, but I guess they are well paid at state radio... Come again? How else do you suggest they pay for an education the government won't provide? For four lakhs Rupees, you can buy a brand new small car in India (which is significantly more than you'll get in Sweden) and I know of surrogates who bought a house with their earnings (improving their living conditions).

The show also claims that a surrogate was devastated when she learned that of the three embryos implanted, one needed to be removed. I'm sure she was, just as we were, when we learned that our twin embryo didn't make it. The law in India is very clear and does not allow for triplet pregnancies after IVF treatments. I was disturbed by the show's choice to use the word baby, as a five week embryo clearly isn't a baby and is not capable of surviving outside the womb (that border is around w22 for a few lucky ones).

I'm sure having to remove the third embryo is a hard chore for the doctors as well as they have to make a most difficult choice in 'choosing' which one to destroy.

Leaves us “nine months” of pain… I have never been pregnant myself, but hardly any woman I've ever spoken to described their pregnancies that way. It's not even considered an illness. Don't get me wrong, there may be very rough pregnancies, there may be very rough patches (e.g. morning sickness), not to mention giving birth, but “nine months of pain” is just unworthy of any serious journalist.

Do we take advantage of a “poor Indian woman's womb”? I'm sure you can see it that way. Obviously some people do. I wonder if these people also consider us taking advantage of our garbage men's backs, the cleaning lady's hands at the office, the nurse's arms at our parent's care facilities or the lungs of the miners whose ores we expect to produce the goods we want to purchase. I doubt it… We've come to accept that in the western world, it is acceptable to work physically, although many of these physical labors have a negative effect on ones life expectancy or health.

A “poor woman” in India however, is not deemed capable of doing what she is able to do to help her family attain a better future. I find that to be much worse, because it shows just how sexist & racist the journalists are who write these stories. Unfortunately, I also suspect that many of them are homophobic, given that surrogacy has allowed so many gay couples to finally become parents in countries where society successfully shut the gates to adoption and foster care.

Yes, there are rotten eggs in the surrogacy industry, and it is up to the Indian authorities to weed them out (just like we expect our authorities to weed out rotten eggs in our economy). Yes, as intended parents, we do have a responsibility for making informed choices, but we're not immune to being lied to or duped and we cannot, as a group, be made responsible, as little as we would blame consumers in Europe for being duped into bad choices.

Instead, I accuse journalists & politicians who try to turn us into monsters, rapists and slave traders to have a long, hard look at themselves. To look their own racism, prejudice, homophobia and sexism in the eye and to leave us alone!

A couple of weeks ago, our agency asked us to join in a celebration of the 200th birth, to thank our egg donors and surrogates for what they do for us. Here's what Alex and I wrote:

“I, Hans, knew the names of my children when I was seven years old. I always dreamt of having three of them. Later, I learned that because I am gay, that goal would not be attainable, so I tried hard to forget about becoming a parent, letting the names of my kids drift into the background.

After meeting Alex, and discussing all the aspects of life, children came up again, and with the recent changes in our society, there was a glimmer of hope on the horizon. We followed that light and tried every route possible to reach it (some of which I've tried to describe on my blog), but in the end, every glimmer turned out to be an ember that died. 

Our final straw of hope was a small agency whose logo in pink and light blue promised the chance we so long had been looking for, truly our final hope.

But agencies are all well and true, but without the help of X, Y and their gift of eggs and the unbelievable gift that Z is giving us, our last ember would never have evolved into the flame of hope we're now following for the 14th week. There is much controversy in our society about surrogacy. They call us rapists and colonialists, egotistical monsters. Alex and I truly hope that you understand that it was never that which drove us to ask you for help, but desperation and two hearts filled with so much love they were about to burst.

I once had three names for my three kids, one name was lost in the course of time, but when we take our child into our arms next year, the other two names will be waiting for it, Sascha if it's a boy and Pascale if it's a girl, and a 39-year-old dream will have come true!

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!”

Okay!

I admit it. *grin*

I'll never make fun of another parent treasuring their baby pics again, and ours is really starting to look like a 'real' baby, although only 6,5 centimeters long (five days ago):

Our child, growing, moving about and enjoying the warmth of a comfy womb!

Just look at the head, it really does look like a human being! :-)

Looks comfy, doesn't it? I can't wait to hold you in my arms…

And I know “pappa” Alex feels the same way

Have a great day, because I already have…

It was a good day.

While it lasted.

This morning came the backlash in the form of an e-mail from the agency and we were back on the roller-coaster of emotional turmoil.

I had viewed the images and kind of stopped there, not paying too much attention to the ensuing PDF with additional details, e.g. the information about the Down Syndrome test or the one about the placenta placement within the uterus.

Clearly, once again, I should've.

Thing is, I don't really want to know about my surrogate's urine tests or her hormonal levels. As long as it's all okay, I'd like to leave her this piece of privacy.

However, when it comes to the baby, obviously, I should pay better attention to everything there is to read about our “lemon”…

E.g. things like “low lying placenta” or
placenta praevia
, which is not the kind of news you wanna hear (particularly if you have no clue what that means). Here's a document with really good
information
. So, basically, if I've read it properly, what we have right now is a low lying placenta in week 14, which isn't too much of a reason for concern (according to the document), because in all likelihood, it'll “wander upward and right itself.” But then came the e-mail from the docs in Mumbai:

“Position of placenta is at fundus of uterus but in your case, the placenta moved down and is lying on
internal os
. There is no medical treatment for low lying placenta except bed rest. The placenta moves up as the baby grows, and under strict medical care and observation, it does not harm the pregnancy hence kindly do not be worried. We will monitor the placenta in subsequent scans, and shall keep you updated.”

Okay, doctor's orders not to worry. Easier said than done. I feel sorry for our dear surrogate for having to lie still, and I hope things will be better in the coming weeks and that the placenta moves upwards and away from this “os” so that the baby can be born - eventually - without a C-section.

The good thing was that the baby doesn't seem to have (as far as the tests can see) Down's syndrome, as the
NT value
is well within tolerance (2.1 mm).

In other news, Alex finally got a hold of the family court in Gothenburg and they set up a meeting for November 21. I'll be traveling then, but I'm sure Alex will be able to conduct these meetings just nicely without me. This will determine how quickly I get to assume sole custody of the child. Interestingly, as was apparently discussed in a radio show a while ago, in the future, pigs might give birth to humans (sad thought), and Swedish pigs would thus have sole custody over the children born to them, giving them the right to child allowances and parental leave benefits… I envy those pigs already, NOT!

It's been a funny day with loads of ups and downs. We just keep hoping, one day at a time, that things will work out for our growing family!

We're in week 15, the fourth month of our pregnancy, and waiting… As a gemini, I feel challenged by this process, it's just not my strongest character trait. At least once a day, I wish we were in Mumbai in the delivery room.

But instead, we're waiting...

•Waiting for news from Mumbai (e.g. about the
low-lying placenta
)

•Waiting for time to pass (although, I'm quite happy about the pace right now, only two months to Christmas)

•Waiting for news from the Swedish Insurance authority…

•Waiting for Alex's meeting with the family court about my guardianship and his adoption.

You get the picture. We both work hard every day, yet every now and then our thoughts go back to our little one being 'baked' in Mumbai.

The other day, Alex was offered an amazing career opportunity he had to pass on because of our parental leave, and despite the fact that he looks forward to being a dad full-time, there was a tiny moment of, not regret, but “what if?” (for lack of a better term…)

Life is going to change radically for us.

The other day, on the boat trip home, we were talking to a neighbor (newly minted grandmother) about buying a stroller and the age old “new” or “used” question so many parents struggle with.

I keep looking at car ads, as we have to sell the one we have (no chance you'll fit a stroller in a car the size of a stroller), saddened by such a huge expense after such a short time.