Daring the Wild Sparks (18 page)

His eyebrows pull together as he studies me. Finn doesn’t say anything and I begin to wonder if he’s even going to. With a heavy sigh, he finally blinks and his gaze slides above my head. “We’ll go back to my mom’s. We can watch a movie with Ricky, if you want. Simone might be there, so we can hang out with her, too.” His eyes drop to my face. “We’ll figure something out.”

I manage a smile. “Okay.”

As we walk to the car, Finn puts his arm around my shoulders. He quietly asks, “Will you talk to me? I know there’s something bothering you, baby. I want to know if there’s anything I can do or if it’s something I did.”

I reply just as quietly, “You didn’t do anything.”

Reaching my car, he props his hand on top of the door and leans closer to me. “Becks, you can talk to me. I know there’s something going on. I’ll leave you alone about it for now, but I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything.” He sighs and drags his hand through his hair. Nodding at the church, he observes, “Something happened in there. What?”

I stare into the window to the passenger seat, anywhere to avoid the sad look he’s giving me. “I don’t know if I can talk about it.”

His voice falls. “Even with me?”

I hesitate before giving him an answer that will most likely hurt his feelings, but I have to offer him one truth since I’ll be lying about the rest. “
Especially
with you.”

I glance up at him as he closes his eyes. “Is it about what I think it’s about?”

Is that what he’s worried about? That I was having some kind of meltdown because we were in a church together? Well, I guess I did, but mostly not for the reason he thinks.

Deciding to put him out of his misery, I say, “No.”

His eyes fly open in surprise. “
No
?”

Crossing my arms, I blankly stare at the roof of my car. I have to fib, yet somehow tell the truth at the same time. “No. And, in case you’re wondering, what I told your aunt is the truth. I give up on it.”

Finn is strangely astonished by my admission. “You
what
?”

I feel like crying, but I’m so emotionally drained that the tears just aren’t there. “I said I give up.”

I hear his loud swallow as I study the rain spots on the shiny, black metal. He asks, “So, you don’t want to marry me anymore?” Wow. That’s probably the closest thing to a proposal I’m ever going to hear from him. I swallow to not only open my throat, but to engulf the last bit of hope I held onto of Finn ever asking me to marry him. All that is left is maybe me gaining enough courage to ask him myself, and praying that he actually accepts my proposal. I’m not ready for that, and from the way I’m feeling after my recent religious experience, I may never be. I’m not even worthy enough to marry him.

I tuck my hair behind my ears and take a deep breath. I need to try to answer him truthfully and to make my heart follow through. “No.” I hear him gasp and I swiftly look at him, forgetting my current melancholy. “What?”

He falters with words and I cut him off before he can make a snide remark. “Aren’t you relieved? I’m sure this is like the weight of the world being lifted from your shoulders.” He still doesn’t respond. The dejected expression on his face is unexpected. I thought he’d be smiling and pumping his fist into the air, but he isn’t.

He actually looks…
hurt
.

What the hell
?

In a sadistic sort of way, I’m glad.

I pull up on my door handle and he steps back without a fight. When I sit down and shut the door, Finn is still standing beside the car. As I twist to buckle my seatbelt, Ricky leans forward in between the front seats. “What’s Wilder’s problem?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why are you both upset
now
?”

I sigh and glance out the window to where Finn is standing, a hand on a hip, the other in his hair. “It’s complicated.”

“Yeah, I know. Believe me.
I know
.”

Watching Finn, I distractedly ask, “Why is he still standing out there?”

Ricky heaves a heavy breath. “What did Wilder say to you?”

“I think it’s what
I
said to him.”

“And what’s that?”

I shrug my left shoulder and mumble, “I told him that I don’t want to marry him.”

Ricky draws a sharp breath. “What the hell, Hadley?” he shouts, surprising us both, I think. I shift to look at him and he leans closer, lowering his voice this time. “Why in the fuck did you tell him that?”

Turning back to the window, I observe Finn walking to the sidewalk. Where’s he going?

“Why, Hadley?” Ricky presses.

“So he can live without that pressure. I told him I give up on it.”

“What happened to the deliriously happy couple I loathed?”

I stare down at my lap and aimlessly pick at the material of my skirt. “I don’t know, Ricky. You tell me. Why is he acting like this? I thought he’d be happy about it,” I perplexedly mutter. “Maybe he thought I’d harp on him for the rest of his life, so now he doesn’t know what to do.”

“No, that’s not it,” Ricky states confidently.

I turn and exasperatedly question him. “Then
what
? Why won’t you tell me?”

He gives me a dirty look. “Don’t start that shit again.” He harshly sighs and grumbles, “Stay here.” He slides across the seat and gets out of the car, walking over to Finn. Putting his hand on his shoulder, he steers him further away from me.

What is Finn’s problem now?  I thought he’d be ecstatic that I’ll finally drop the subject. I suppose I won’t be dropping it entirely since I still want to propose to him. I have to be crazy.

I lean my head back on the headrest and close my eyes.

I feel like I’m failing no matter what I do or say. Now it seems like he’s upset because he’s the one being rejected now.

Shit. Join the club.

CHAPTER 14

FINN

“What did you think of the service?” I ask Becks as I move my arm from her shoulders and reach for her hand, longing to have more of her touch.

She mumbles, “It was nice.” There’s more to that.

“Then, what is bothering—”

“Finn!” a familiar voice shrieks from behind us and we abruptly stop. Closing my eyes and cursing myself for coming to this church, I reluctantly turn us to see my aunt overexcitedly waving at me.

I lowly mutter to Becks, “Damn it. She wasn’t going to be here tonight.” My mother’s sister, Reggie, teeters over to us. Why do women wear such ridiculous heels if they can’t even walk in them? I’ve never seen Becks have a problem walking in her heels. Although, when she wears heels, I don’t pay much attention to how she’s walking, only at how hot her legs look.

Aunt Reggie. This woman has always been up my ass about me having a girlfriend. Why? Hell if I know. When I was in high school, all she wanted to hear about was who I was dating, how many girlfriends I had, if I was the prom king, or if any girls wore my spare baseball jersey at my games. What was the big deal about all that shit? I wasn’t into dating in high school. I didn’t even kiss a girl there until my junior year. Yeah, I had crushes occasionally and went out a few times on double dates with my friend, Pete, but they weren’t a big deal. Instead of playing the field, I concentrated on actually playing the field by focusing solely on baseball and then soccer during the summer. I briefly thought about trying to play one of them professionally, but I wasn’t
that
good. My baseball coach, who was also my English teacher, said seeing as I was an A student in English, was “compelling,” and loved sports, I’d be great at sportscasting. Therefore, he was the one who pointed me in the direction of going into journalism. Since I didn’t meet anyone who was available and I wanted to date exclusively, I was not particularly interested in dating the girls at my school; however, my senior year, on a dare, I lost my virginity at a party to Lila, who I considered only a friend. I liked her, but not in the way everyone described as being in love. I didn’t sleep with another woman until I was in college, but I still didn’t feel that one, electrifying jolt until I was 30 years old and I looked into Hadley Beckett’s green eyes for the first time
.

I take a deep breath and force a smile onto face, which isn’t as easy as it looks.

“Finn! I thought that was you!” Becks lets go of my hand, but I automatically reach for it, holding it firmly in mine.
Don’t you dare bail on me, Becks
! I determinedly beg her with a desperate look to stay with me. Her beautiful lips curve into a little smile and she holds my hand securely with hers, calming me down.

Aunt Reggie hugs me, overwhelming me with whatever shitty perfume she took a bath in. “My dear boy! I haven’t seen you in five years!”
It hasn’t been that long, Aunt Reggie
. Does no one in my family grasp the concept of time? I last saw her the Christmas before I met Becks, so it’s been almost three and a half years.

“Hi, Aunt Reggie.” I hug her with one arm because I won’t let go of Becks’ hand.

My aunt grabs my shoulders and looks me up and down like I’m a Black Friday sales ad. “My handsome Finn is back!” Her eyes well up with tears and I try not to roll mine in front of her. “You are even more good-looking than the last time I saw you! Why
is
that?”

“Um, I have no idea.” This is weird for me. How am I supposed to really answer a question like that? I run my hand into my hair, wishin
g Becks and I had worn disguises because she’s already annoying the fuck out of me.

Reggie turns to Becks, giving her a once-over. She’d better watch what she says about my girlfriend or I
will
be telling her to fuck off. I don’t care where we are.

“I see why you look different
.” Aunt Reggie looks back at me. “My sweet little Finn Robert is in love!” I peer at Becks. Our eyes meet and I smile at her. How right Aunt Reggie is about that.

My aunt releases her hands from my shoulders and again examines Becks. “You must be Hadley. Jules talks about you all the time. She absolutely adores you.” She holds out her hand for Becks to take. “I’m Regina, Julie’s sister. Call me Reggie.” Becks smiles that sweet smile of hers, forcing my stomach to spin. “You’ve been together, what two years?”

“Three,” Becks answers.

“
Three
?” Aunt Reggie jerks her head to me and delivers a hard stare. “
That long
? So, Finn Robert, when are you going to propose to this beautiful woman?”
Fuck
. Does she really have to go there? Why in the hell is it everyone’s business if Becks and I get married or not? Then if we did, they’d be asking when I’m going to knock her up. And after I did that, it would move to: When is the next kid coming along? I wish people would fucking leave us alone and get a life.

There are so many things I want to say to my aunt; however, I have to keep in mind that we are in front of a church and I should limit my battles. I drag my hand over my mouth, hoping I don’t say something that I should regret, but probably won’t.

Aunt Reggie rolls ahead with her assault. “Your mother wants you to marry Hadley. She’s worried that she’ll get tired of waiting for you or that someone else will snatch her up from you!” Like I would ever let
that
shit happen.

Suddenly, Becks takes her hand out of mine and puts her arms snugly around my torso, while her perfume drapes over me like a warm blanket. I recognize it as the one I got her for her birthday the first year we started dating. I hug her to my side, resolutely clinching her against me. We’re holding onto each other like we’re in a hurricane, fighting not to be torn from each other.

Becks says, “We don’t have to get married for us to be together.” Reggie looks completely thrown by Becks’ statement, but her shocked reaction doesn’t nearly come as close to how
I
feel. Becks couldn’t have just said that. I know how much she wants to get married. She’s lying to my aunt, but why?

Aunt Reggie hurriedly shakes her head. “Oh, honey. Don’t tell him that! Now he’ll
never
propose to you!”

My aunt has no fucking idea how I feel or what I want. She’s pissing me off and I’m about to tell her to mind her own business, but Becks speaks before I do.

Shrugging against me, she says, “That’s okay. I’ve accepted it. I don’t need to marry him to know he loves me. Nor do we need to get married to spend our lives together.”

What
?

Why did Becks say that?

I rub my hand up and down her back, but it’s more of an action to soothe myself from my aunt’s intrusive barrage of questions. I’m confused as to why Becks would make that bold statement, specifically since it’s an obvious fallacy. Did she do it for my benefit? To help me deal with my intrusive aunt? If so, I owe her.

“I think you’ve just blown your chances.” Aunt Reggie is crestfallen. Give me a break! Why is this shit any of her business? If Becks and I wanted to raise one-legged chickens on a deserted island in the South Pole, it would be our business.

“Aunt Reggie, let
me
worry about our chances,” I seethe, hugging Becks tightly, feeling united with her as she firmly holds onto me. I tilt my head over my shoulder and impulsively announce, “We need to get going. It was nice seeing you.” I pray it’s another three years before I have to go through this debriefing shit again.

“Yes, it was.” Aunt Reggie starts sniffing and her eyes tear up once more. She hugs me and smiles at the both of us. “It was nice meeting you, Hadley. I hope to see you again soon.”

She nods at my aunt. “Same here.”
I doubt that
.

Pivoting, I steer us away from my aunt and guide Becks further along the sidewalk, but Becks stops me before I can even open my mouth to pose my earlier question again, saying, “We really do need to get going. Ricky’s waiting for us in the car.”

My lips yank to the corner from her subterfuge. “Becks, we need to talk.” She’s not going to avoid talking to me. “What happened in there?”

She feigns ignorance, badly. “What do you mean?”

“You were freaking out for some reason. Why?” I scan the parking lot as if I can find the answer posted on a sign. Did I do something and not realize it? My mouth goes dry thinking of me doing something else to upset her. “Did you not like the long service? Maybe the readings? Was it Ricky?” Maybe I
did
do something. “Me?”

She shakes her head as her eyes fall downward. “No. It’s none of those.”

I clutch her shoulders, like my aunt did to me, and bend so I can find her gaze. “Then what, baby? I thought you wanted to come with me.”

She nods at the ground. “I did. Thank you for bringing me.”

“Becks, talk to me.”
Please, baby. Don’t push me away again
.

“Finn…” She’s not going to tell me. Damn it.

I sigh and stand upright. With my hands still planted on her shoulders, I ask, “Do you still want to go out to Bethany’s?”
Please say no
.

She shakes her head. “No. It’s an hour’s drive and I don’t really want to socialize with her neighbors tonight.” She lifts her beautiful green eyes to my face. “What did you want to do?”

I stare into those amazing depths.
What do I want to do
? There are a couple things I want to do. The first is to talk. I need to know what is going on with her. Why won’t she tell me? We usually talk about everything, even if it’s something I don’t want to talk about.

The second thing, I want to hurriedly yank up her dress and fuck her slowly in my bed for as long as I am able to; yet, I can’t tell her that because at Bethany’s she asked me if I thought of her as only a place to put my dick. That was unexpected of her, to say the least. I felt like she slapped me across the face. I’m in love with Becks. How could she think I’m using her like that? Yes, I like having sex with her, it’s the ultimate stress reliever, and I admit that I need her more because of what happened yesterday. But essentially, when we make love, it’s the best way for me to feel her love, to feel peace. After she turned me down this morning, I felt like she shoved me away. I needed Becks, except that she didn’t want me when I needed her.

She said she wanted to show me other ways to spend time with her and to explore other aspects of our relationship. What the hell? That sounds like some sort of
Cosmo
bullshit Morgan fed her. At first, I was so against it. The last thing I wanted to do was spend time
not
having sex with her. That may make me sound like an asshole or a total dick, but I need the connection with her, both the emotional and physical. I only see her on the fucking weekends. Nevertheless, when we went to the lighthouse, had lunch, played on the beach, we teased each other and talked. She made me laugh and to actually let go for a while. I really did enjoy spending that time with her. Usually, we when we’re together, we stay in one of our apartments or away from crowded, public places. Once we got down to the beach, I felt myself connecting with her in a whole different way. It was fun chasing and teasing her. That’s when I began to understand what she was talking about. I want to do that more often with Becks. It made me think of the times we spent at the park with the soccer ball when we first started dating. Whatever happened to us doing that? Oh yeah. That was before we started having sex. Plus, for some reason, we saw each other a lot more back then.

Despite what I just said, I still
want
her. More than ever. I need to feel Becks’ love so much it hurts. But now, since she said she’s afraid that I’m only using her for sex, I’m hesitant to make any kind of move on her; therefore, I suppose I have to omit what I really want to do.

I look over her head to the back of the parking lot, watching cars leave. “We’ll go back to my mom’s. We can watch a movie with Ricky, if you want or if Simone is there, you can hang out with her.” I inhale and look into her eyes again. “We’ll figure something out.”

She nods and looks past me. “Okay.”

I drop my arm onto her shoulders and pull her to the car. When we’re almost to the car, I ask, “Will you talk to me? I know there’s something bothering you, baby. I want to know if there’s anything I can do or if it’s something I did.”

She answers softly, “You didn’t do anything.”

Stopping at her car, I put my hand on top of the doorframe, blocking her from opening the door. I lean into her and whisper, “Becks, you can talk to me. I know there’s something going on. I’ll leave you alone about it for now, but I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything.”
We’re also best friends, Becks.

I blow out a breath and rake my other hand through my hair. Angling my head towards the church, I try one last time. “Something happened in there. What?”

She won’t look at me, so I know she’s not telling me something. This is killing me. What did I do? Then it dawns on me. Church. This was the first time we were together in a church. Then my aunt brought up that fucking subject in which Becks then had to lie about.
Shit
. That still doesn’t explain what happened in church.