Daring the Wild Sparks (21 page)

She sniffs and I drop my gaze, as well as my hand from my hair to stroke her cheek with my thumb. She asks, “Who were you waiting for?”

I smile and shake my head in disbelief. “Becks, I was waiting for
you
.
You
are my dream girl. No other woman has ever done to me what you have. I thought I was going to be forever searching for the love of my life, but I found it where and when I least expected to. I had fallen in love with you before our first date, but when I first kissed you, I without a doubt felt it.” I smile and trail my thumb over her full, strawberry red lips. “I knew then that you were the one I was waiting for.”

I stare down at her face, but her eyes slide away. I gently move her head and catch her eyes with mine. “Becks, how could you
ever
think you’re not good enough for me? I love you. You’re my soulmate. Baby, you are my
forever
.” What can I do to convince her?

Marry her
.

I know this.

I want to marry her so much it’s breaking me. The picture of her wearing that wedding dress is burned into my mind and is there every time I blink. I had changed my mind yesterday and maybe I will again someday, but right now I just…can’t. I don’t want to lose her, but then I will if I don’t take any kind of action. I have to do something, but my mind is a huge clusterfuck of contradictions. I wish I knew what to do.

She takes a shaky breath before saying, “You’re so much better than me. You have a family that loves you, and you go to church. You have much more than I do. I don’t even have much to offer you.”

“You do have a family that loves you. Your dad, brother and grandparents love you. My family loves you. You’re a part of my family, Becks, whether you want to be or not. I’m
positive
they love you more than they love me.” I smile, but she bites her lip as fresh tears trickle down her temples.

“Don’t hate your mom, Finn. She still loves you.” Becks’ breath hitches as she struggles not to lose it again.

“I don’t hate her. I’m just pissed off at her.”

Her gorgeous green eyes open. “Jack isn’t leaving you, either.”

“I hope not.” I glance away and she reaches up to put her hand on my jaw. Her fingers urge me to turn back to her.

“He isn’t. He’ll still be in your life. He’ll be there for you, watching your show, cheering you on, bragging about you to people, just like your mom and dad do.” She sniffs and I wipe her tears away. “Some people don’t have that, Finn, so be thankful you do.” Her mother. Is that what she’s upset about? Because of that fucking bitch?

I trail my fingers over her damp cheek. I whisper, “I hate her for what she did to you.”

“Who?” she asks guardedly.

“Your mother.”

She darkly laughs as she gazes up at me. “Don’t they teach you in church that it’s not nice to hate?”

My eyes unwavering look into hers. “I don’t fucking care. I’m glad I’ll never meet her and if I ever have that misfortune, I’d thank her for giving birth to you, but then strangle her with my bare hands,” I growl lowly.

“Finn,” she weakly argues.

I calmly shake my head over her. “Becks, I’m not joking. I fucking hate her for abandoning you.” Her expression changes, but I don’t know what she’s thinking. I stroke her bottom lip. “You are such a brave woman. I am enthralled with how strong you are. You have gone through so much, but you keep going, baby. Your mother may have broken your spirit, but she didn’t break
you
.”

She sniffs and says, “My spirit is not only broken, but it’s also so…dirty.” She looks at me, but has a hard time holding my gaze. What is she embarrassed about? “My parents never had me baptized.” She utters the last word like it’s her deepest confession.

“Becks.”

“In church, I realized just how you’re so much better than me. You have built-in forgiveness from God for any of your mistakes. You’ll go to Heaven. I won’t.” She starts sobbing again and I heave myself up onto my knees, putting my left hand next to the right side of her body as I hover my torso above hers.

“Baby, don’t say that.
I’m
not perfect. Shit. Neither is Ricky. He’s been divorced. He had to get an annulment from the Church and go to confession. He and Nina even had to go to counseling. It took over a year before the annulment was granted and he could remarry.”

“But, you’re both baptized and members of a church. I feel like I’m nothing. I’m not good enough for you.” She cries and I feel so helpless.

As I hang over her, I whisper, “Baby, you don’t even understand how wrong you are.
Nobody
in this world is perfect. We
all
have faults and make mistakes. God loves you no matter what. How could He not? You have such a beautiful heart, Becks. As for me, I love you for the same reason. I don’t care if you’ve been baptized or not. I know what’s in your heart and soul and that’s why I love you so much. And if God has a problem with it, then I don’t want to go to Heaven.” She gasps as I adoringly study her tear-stained face. I want to prove to her how much I do love her. But how?

I have to get over one of my fears or I’ll lose Becks.

And
that
is my biggest fear of all.

Fuck, I hate myself.

“Is there a reason why you didn’t want to take me to Mass with you before?”

I snap out of my trance and blink at her. “No. I just didn’t think you’d want to go. I should’ve asked you before about going with me. I’m sorry, baby.”

She warily looks at me before finally nodding. “I’d like to go with you again.”

“Really? You don’t have to. I understand.”

She puts her hands on both sides of my jaw. “I want to share
all
of your life with you.” That makes me smile and her fingers graze my lower lip. I want to share
all
of my life with her.

“What are you thinking about, Sparks?”

My smile becomes dubious beneath her fingers. “
Sparks
? You called me that earlier.” I love it.

She finally smiles. “I can always call you
Finny
.” I hate it.

I vigorously shake my head. “No way. Stick to
Sparks
.” I’m trapped in her stunning smile. “I like it. It goes well with
Becks
.”

“I always wanted to give you a nickname that’s only mine, nobody else’s.” I grin, remembering that’s what I had said to Becks about her nickname.

I narrow my eyes at her. “How’d you come up with
Sparks
?”

“Your sparking candle in church reminded me of how you roar through my life like a wildfire, but it was those first, unassuming sparks that set my world on fire. That’s how I thought of it. The name describes you perfectly.”

Telling me that, she has lit my body on fire. I need to show Becks exactly how much I love her, but I won’t. I quickly pull away and prop myself back on my elbow beside her, so she doesn’t notice how much she’s turned me on. I swallow and peer up to the sky, trying to distract my wayward thoughts.

She moves closer to me and I look down to see what she’s doing. She supports herself on her elbow, so that we’re mirroring each other. “How much do you love me, Finn?”

“Becks, I would,”
Marry you
. I take a deep breath and whisper, “I would die for you.” I stare into her emerald eyes as I quietly add, “I’d even kill for you.”

She touches my face with her right hand, dragging her fingers over my emerging beard. “Don’t say that. I would never want you to do either.”

“I would, though. If your mother ever came back, I don’t think I could meet her. I’m sorry, Becks. You’d have to keep me from attacking her. When you first told me about her deserting you, I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I
still
can’t. However, she ultimately did you a favor by getting her sorry ass out of your life. She doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you, let alone have you for a daughter.”

My eyes drift back to her face and her mouth and eyes are wide open. I look down to avoid her horrified expression. Closing my eyes, I flip onto my back. What did I just do? I confessed something to her I told myself I never would. Now she thinks I’m a fucking prick.

Becks shifts and I glance at her as she lingers next to me. Before I can say anything, her lips are on mine. It takes me a few seconds, but I eagerly reciprocate. I clasp her face, sweeping my hands into her loose hair as it hangs over me. Her lips move more frantically against mine as I try to keep a steady pace, not to get myself too carried away. My dick is aching for her, but I have to stop myself from acting on my impulse to take her.

She traces her fingers over my jaw and she softly moans against my lips. Impulsively, I thrust my tongue into her mouth.

I have to stop before it’s too late. I abruptly move my mouth from hers and look away. Becks doesn’t stop, though. Her lips are on my throat, traveling down to the collar of my sweatshirt.

Closing my eyes again, I hoarsely whisper, “Becks, I can’t.”

She hastily sweeps her hand down my chest and under the blanket until she runs into my hard-on. She grasps me through my sweats, causing me to noisily gulp. “Oh, I think you can, Sparks.”

I wheeze, “No, that’s not what I mean. I can, but I won’t.”

Her lips stop at my collarbone and she lifts her head. “What?”

I shake my head and anxiously look at her. “I won’t, Becks.”

Her voice falls. “Why? I thought you said that it doesn’t matter if I’m not baptized.”

I roll my eyes and scoff, “That’s
not
it.”

Her expression becomes confused and she tries another tack.
“Earlier today, you wanted to have sex with me.”

I gently push her hand off my dick. “I did—I do, but right now, Becks, no.”
Becks, yes. Fuck, yes
.

Her eyes glitter, but she doesn’t put her hand back, in which I’m split on being grateful or disappointed.

She whispers, “Remember the look you gave me in the bathroom this morning? What were you thinking then?”

I immediately respond as if she cast a spell on me, “I loved how you looked in your skirt and the white T-shirt that opened in the front, hinting at your tits.” I gently grab one of them through her sweatshirt before I realize what I’m doing. “I wanted to bend you over the sink.”

She kisses my cheek and asks, “What about the lighthouse?”

It’s almost like I’m taking a polygraph. I can’t even lie. “I wanted to yank up your skirt and fuck you in the backseat of the car.” She moans against my lips. She takes my hand and puts it up her T-shirt beneath the sweatshirt. I have to sternly force myself to leave my hand down at her waist.

She drags her lips down to my ear and whispers, “The beach?”

I can’t stop my admissions. “I didn’t want to go down there. I wanted to have sex with you in the shower instead.”

“Finn, don’t you think I wanted you all those times, too? Especially at the lighthouse when you were in my ear doing this.” She begins to breathe heavily into my ear, turning me on beyond belief. I move my legs up, trying to hide the evidence.

Fuck me.

She pants and moans. “Finn, I want to climb on top of you. Do you want me to?”
Hell yes, Becks. I want you.

She doesn’t wait for an answer. Instead, as she kisses me, she slides both of her hands up into my hair, jerking handfuls of my hair and making me groan. She’s never this take-charge. It’s such a fucking turn-on.

I mumble in protest against her lips. “Becks…”

“Sparks.” We avidly kiss while her hair tumbles over me, veiling us. She pushes her tongue into my mouth and I stroke it with mine. I’m losing this damn battle. Becks is right,
yet again
. If I can’t stop myself from only making out with her, how in the hell will I ever be able to stop fucking her without a condom? Even if I had wanted to, there’s no way I could have stopped when I surprised her at Bethany’s; however, I needed to have her without one.

Like I do now.

I knew I was taking a giant risk by having sex without using protection, but after our fight, I didn’t care. I had to do it for her. I felt like we had enough walls stuck between us. If she only knew how I truly feel. I wanted us to be close, nothing in our way. And nothing was. No birth control. No blood from her period. When I came inside her, I was giving her a missing puzzle piece. It was something else I had wanted her to have of me that I had never given to another woman before: the risk of a pregnancy. That’s ultimately why I did what I did at Bethany’s.

Also, what Ricky said is true. I have to give her something. I want to marry her, but I can’t. So if I can’t marry her, then maybe giving her a baby is something I should do for her. A baby would be a tangible bond between us and would forever link us together.

Her hand moves down to my waistband, where she teases me by not going further. She kisses me and whispers, “Sparks, I want you.”