Daring to Dream (12 page)

When the summer holidays arrived, Brooke started going
along to the childminder with Tommy while I was at work. I came home one evening and Craig told me that Brooke had been found playing on train tracks with two other boys who were being looked after by Janice. They’d gone outside to play and she hadn’t even noticed that they’d left the green, crossed the road and walked through an alleyway to the train tracks. The boys had taken Brooke down there and she said that even though she knew it was wrong, she’d been too scared to snitch on them. After she went to bed I sat on the sofa and sobbed. I was so upset that my little girl had been put in danger. I decided there and then that neither of my children would ever be looked after by that woman again. I immediately emailed Ofsted and reported Janice. She didn’t even have permission for my child to be outside of her house without her. That’s not what you call ‘minding’ a child.

I phoned another local childminder I knew called Laura and hearing how upset I was she invited me round. As soon as I saw how lovely her house was I didn’t even think about the cost; I was just so relieved that I’d found somewhere so clean and modern and warm. Both of the kids loved going to Laura’s from day one and it made me feel so much happier leaving them each day.

I didn’t put on as much weight when I was pregnant with Tommy as with Brooke, but it also didn’t come off as quickly, which I was fine about. I knew I was never going to be the rake I was when I was younger and I didn’t give myself a
hard time about it. I was about a size 12 by the time I started at HMP Gartree and I felt pretty comfortable.

Apart from when I was pregnant, I’d smoked non-stop since I was 15. But one day I saw my daughter copy me smoking using a candy stick. I put my fag out there and then and I haven’t touched one since. She was only six and I was completely horrified. I went cold turkey from that moment on. Craig did the same, and not surprisingly we wanted to kill each other for two weeks, but it was so worth it.

Of course one of the side effects of giving up smoking is the weight gain. Every time I wanted a cigarette I’d have a bar of chocolate instead and in a matter of months I ballooned to a size 16–18. I had to keep going to the prison uniform department to get bigger shirts and trousers. I even started wearing men’s trousers because the women’s were too tight. I felt so self-conscious that even in the height of summer I wore a zipped up jacket at all times because my boobs were so big I wanted to cover them up. It didn’t help that I was working with a large group of men. I was so hot all the time and it was horrible.

It didn’t cross my mind to go on a diet because I’d never been on one in my life. I don’t understand the concept of salad. I may as well just go into the garden and eat grass as eat cress. The only time I’d ever eat lettuce is in a cheese sandwich, and even then I’d have really strong Cheddar to disguise the taste. All the other officers were going off to the prison gym at lunchtime to work out, but all I wanted to do
was watch
Loose Women
, have a cup of tea and eat biscuits and crisps.

We had different shifts, so sometimes I didn’t get home until 8pm and I’d have been up since 6am. I’d have dinner, usually a pizza, watch a bit of TV and then go to bed. I used to skip breakfast and then stop at the garage on the way to work and buy a newspaper and cakes and biscuits for everyone. Oh, and some sweets for me to have in my pocket during the day. I was eating so much rubbish and also eating at the wrong times. The pounds went on so quickly I didn’t even really notice to start with, and by the time I realised how big I’d got I felt like it was too late to do anything about it.

What I wore out of work totally changed too. I started wearing Craig’s jumpers and T-shirts because they were the only things that fitted me. I worked every other weekend and when I was at home I’d either want to play with the kids or I’d be catching up with TV. Craig and I hardly saw each other during that time and we were always shattered. We were both working so much we didn’t have much of a social life, so I didn’t really bother with make-up and I never bought myself new clothes. What was the point when I had nowhere to wear them?

I
applied to
The X Factor
in 2013 completely on a whim. We always watched the show and in the break an advert came up saying, ‘Would you like to be on
The X Factor
? Apply now!’ I thought, sod it, I know it didn’t exactly go well last time but I’ve got nothing to lose. The kids love the show and they know what’s going on now they’re a bit older, and I would love to make them proud. I filled out the application form on my iPad and whispered the news to Craig so that the kids didn’t know.

I wasn’t in the best place because I still felt really big and frumpy, but I missed performing and at that time I couldn’t see another way to try and break into the industry. I was enjoying being a prison officer and if it was what I ended up doing for the rest of my life then so be it, but I had to give singing one last go.

Just after I applied I had a bit of a windfall thanks to a PPI claim, so that April Craig and I booked to take the kids to Florida on holiday. In Hollywood Studios in Disney World they had a competition called the American Idol Experience. I thought it would be a laugh to enter, and the kids would get to see me sing. I was wearing shorts, a T-shirt and flip-flops, so I didn’t look terribly glamorous, but I must have done something right because I kept getting through the heats into the next round. By the end of the day there were five of us in the final with 3,000 people watching. I sang ‘Get Here’ by Oleta Adams and ended up winning the whole bloody thing! I was given a golden ticket that enabled you to jump the queue and go straight to the Bootcamp stage of
American Idol
on TV. When I was walking around the park afterwards people were asking for my autograph and having photos taken with me and all sorts. It was so bizarre. It’s incredible to look back now and realise that none of those people would have known I would go on to win
The X Factor
in the UK.

Because I wasn’t American I wasn’t allowed to use the golden ticket, but I managed to track down the lad who came second in the competition, a lovely guy called Jesse Cline. I gave it to him and he ended up getting really far in the competition. In fact, while he was appearing on
American Idol
, I was on
The X Factor
over here.

A few days into the holiday I checked my emails and I had one from
The X Factor
UK saying: ‘Congratulations. You’ve got an audition on 12th April’. We were flying home
on the 11th and it was Craig’s 40th on the 12th, so we were having a massive party at the house. The timing could have been better (seriously, what
is
it with me and bad timing?). Thankfully I was able to rearrange the date, but it meant I had to go all the way to Cardiff to audition.

The week after we came back from Florida I headed down to the Motorpoint Arena in Cardiff. I’d been in the queue all day when one of the researchers, a guy called Ollie, came over and started talking to me. I was still heavy at the time and I was telling him about how I used to be a size ten and now felt like a heifer. I explained that the reason I’d shied away from trying out for so long was because I was so
self-conscious
. There were other people in the queue who looked like models and I felt like this bloated mess. I told him all about working in the prison service and my life back in Leicester, and he frantically wrote everything down.

When I eventually got to perform, I sang ‘Who’s Loving You’ by The Jacksons, and when I finished everyone started clapping and I was handed a ticket, which meant I was through to the next round. I wanted to jump up and down I was so happy. I had to go for another audition that day, and then they asked me to go back the following day to sing for the executive producers. I sang ‘Who’s Loving You’ again, and a bit of ‘Run To You’ by Whitney Houston. When I finished they were very straight-faced and said casually, ‘We’ll let you know.’ That was it. I was convinced I was out and headed back to Leicester feeling really despondent.

Life went on as normal. I went back to the prison service and tried to forget all about
The X Factor
; in my mind I’d failed again. I was leaving work around six weeks later and when I turned on my phone Ollie the researcher had left me a message saying, ‘Sam, great news. We’ve got you an audition this Thursday at the Excel in London. Can you make it?’ I thought it would be another audition in front of the researchers or producers because they have so many people to get through before putting together the shortlist in front of the real judges. But no. This time I was going to be performing in front of Sharon, Louis, Nicole and Gary. I frantically rang Craig to tell him the news, and the next day at work I was begging people to cover my shift the following day so I could go to London. Thankfully someone stepped up and offered to swap a day with me, and even the governor of the prison wished me good luck!

Craig and I were up ridiculously early on the Thursday to drive to London in Craig’s little van. I didn’t really think about the audition too much on the journey. I’m not one to overthink things and worry until I really need to. I always leave things to the last minute, even if it’s learning the lyrics to a song. I’ll have a last-minute panic but it always gets done. I think I work better under pressure.

We had to be there for 7am and when we were waiting in the queue, we got chatting to a band called Next of Kin and their family and friends. We ended up in the waiting room with them and I was fascinated because they’d been through
it all before when they were younger, so they were telling me about how the music industry works and how tough it can be. I knew a bit about the business thanks to being on the club circuit, but it was nothing compared to what they’d experienced.

They’d been on the brink of being massive back in the
Smash Hits
era and then it had all gone horribly wrong for them. They wanted to make it so much and I felt so bad for them. Their audition was amazing and they can really sing. They performed a song their mum had written and it was unbelievable. I absolutely love those boys and we’re still in touch now. I’ve even got a Next of Kin T-shirt that I wear to bed!

I also met another lovely lad called Tom Mann, who was a part-time football coach, and a load of the kids he coaches had come along with him. He was such a nice lad and he was a bit different because he played the guitar when he performed. I thought he was really talented too.

As Craig and I sat in the waiting room, I joked about wanting to sing with Gary Barlow. Who wouldn’t? But I did also add that he wasn’t as nice as Craig. I didn’t want to make him feel insecure when I was about to meet one of the country’s biggest heart-throbs (and I don’t mean Louis). I also talked about how I felt, at 35, that this was my last shot at a singing career. And I meant it. It’s so hard to break into the industry anyway, but when you’re an overweight woman over 35 who’s been knocked back a couple of times it feels
harder than ever. But as I said at the time, you’ve at least got to try. I knew that day could completely change my life.

Every time the cameras came round to film me I seemed to be eating. Mainly pretzels. Dermot came over to do an interview with me and he was really lovely and chatty. After several hours, I was finally called in to see the judges. I was bloody petrified walking into that room. Even though there were lots of members of the crew in there, it felt quiet and empty because all I could see were the four judges looking at me. I felt and looked hideous. I was wearing black harem trousers with heels and a green snakeskin top. It was the only thing I had in my wardrobe that was vaguely smart because I never went out. It was also the only thing I could fit into and felt comfortable in. Wearing heels is always a big thing for me because I can’t walk in them to save my life. I’m a bit bow-legged and I’m always worried that I’m going to look like Whoopi Goldberg in
Ghost
. It was okay when I was doing the clubs because I was just standing in the corner of a room and I would usually walk on in heels and then take them off after one song. No one noticed because they were usually half-cut. I’d washed my hair and left it to dry naturally, so it was really curly, and I had hardly any make-up on. I think it’s safe to say I don’t do glamour unless someone else is doing it for me!

I was so overwhelmed to be there and I still couldn’t quite believe that I was standing in front of the
real
judges. Literally feet away from me were music mogul Louis Walsh, Sharon Osbourne, who’s been in the business for years and is
an absolute legend, Gary Barlow, who is basically amazing, and Nicole Scherzinger, who is so stunning and talented. I felt like I either wanted to leg it out of the room as fast as I could or pray the floor would open and swallow me up. I was so intimidated.

Sharon spoke to me first: she loved the fact I was a prison officer and asked if I put handcuffs on people. I said I did but not pink fluffy ones! Sharon then asked me if my dream was to sing, and of course I said yes. Then it was time for me to do my to audition. And breathe… It felt like it took an age for my backing music to start, but once it did I just went for it.

I chose to perform ‘Listen’ by Beyoncé because there was a girl at my American Idol Experience audition who sang it. I’d never really heard it before and I thought it was amazing. It’s ironic that I got the chance to support Beyoncé as part of my winner’s package all those months later.

That particular song was also almost like a statement, because I’d been singing for so many years and no one had ever
really
listened. My voice had been really strong for about four or five years, ever since I’d branched out on my own and started to sing lots of different types of songs. I had my own PA system and I had freedom but no one had really stood up and noticed and told me I had talent. I desperately wanted some recognition. I also wanted it to be about my voice. I didn’t want to be judged on how I looked and for people to just see a mum or a wife or a prison officer.

I stood there, closed my eyes and gave it my best shot. I tried not to look at the judges because I didn’t want them to see how petrified I was. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. Your eyes are the windows to your soul, they say, so people can really see hurt or anything else you’re struggling with. About halfway through the song I sneaked a peak at the judges and I could see them all looking at each other as if to say ‘
WHAT
?’ In my head I kept thinking, ‘I hope I’m doing alright.’ When it came to the end of the song the last note sounded awful, and as I belted it out I thought I’d totally cocked it up. I was cross with myself.

When I finished I realised that all of the judges were on their feet giving me a standing ovation. It’s hard to put into words how amazing that felt. I was so emotional and I was trying so hard not to break down. I found out later it was the first standing ovation all of the judges had given, and they were nearly at the end of the auditions. Wow.

Louis said he wasn’t expecting me to sound like that at all. Nicole was gobsmacked and said I sang the song exactly how it should have been sung. Gary spoke next and said that my voice was incredible. It was all too much for me and I got
really
teary, especially knowing that Craig was outside watching everything. I got four ‘yeses’ and I was so overwhelmed I ran out of the room to see Craig (not easy for me in heels). He gave me a massive hug and half of me was crying and the other half was embarrassed that so much attention was on me.

Everyone in the waiting room started clapping me and it was so surreal. Craig said that as soon as I started singing, the entire waiting room went quiet. I was so happy that I’d been myself. I hadn’t tried to be anything I wasn’t with cool clothes and loads of make-up. I’d stayed true to myself and the judges liked it. It felt like a real validation that I was okay. My husband looked the other day, and the video of my audition has had 11 million views or something ridiculous on YouTube. It does make me wonder whether I should have worn something a bit more glam, but I think I would have looked and felt even
more
uncomfortable.

The first thing I did was phone the kids to tell them I’d got through, and they were so excited it set me off and I burst into tears again. Those moments will be etched on my mind forever. Every time I watch the video back – which isn’t often, I might add – I really pick at it. There are so many bits I wish I could go back and change. I came in too early on the song, for a start. The first ‘listen’ should have been much later and I knew straight away I’d done it wrong. I don’t know if the judges realised, and I had to carry on and pretend nothing was wrong, but inside I was dying.

After that, I was whisked off all over the place to do interviews and I didn’t even get a chance to eat because things were so manic. I was expecting to be at home by 6pm having egg and chips and seeing the kids, but because my audition caused a bit of a stir I didn’t get home until really late. Craig and I did a Maccy D’s run on the way back; I think that
was our first conversation after my audition, actually – what to have for dinner. After we left the Excel we both sat in silence for about half an hour driving up the M1, both of us thinking ‘Did that really just happen?’ It had been non-stop and that was the first chance we got to really take everything in and process it.

I was told that the next round would be in front of 4,000 people at Wembley arena. Oh. My. God. That was going to be the biggest crowd I’d ever performed in front of. I needed some new clothes desperately! I knew my hoodies and jeans wouldn’t cut it. I had to ask friends to come shopping with me and help me out because I was so clueless. I felt like a Weeble in everything.

Craig and I talked about what I would sing and I felt
so
nervous. We went back and forth with so many different ideas but in the end I decided to sing The Jackson’s ‘Who’s Loving You’ like I had done in my first audition. It was a song that meant a lot to me because I used to perform it back when I was a teenager. It may sound a bit crazy but people used to tell me I sounded like Michael Jackson when I sang it, and I knew it was a song I could really belt out.