Daughter of Darkness (33 page)

Even before I knew the answers, tears began. Why shouldn’t I cry? What other love had I known until then
but Daddy’s love? He had filled me with his poetry and his music, his vast knowledge and wisdom. I was as much part of him as I was of anyone or anything. He had cared for me, protected me, and placed his faith in me, as I had placed mine in him. In seconds, that might all be gone, and then what would I be? Who would I be? What would I have? The same fear of loneliness and abandonment I had felt all my young life came rushing back over me.

Anyone condemning me or judging me badly for having this fear would have had to have been abandoned first, would have had to have experienced life without family and friends, and would have had to have known nothing more about themselves than what they had been told. I had found the picture of a woman who could be my mother, but I had not found out anything about her. I had no grandparents, no real uncles and aunts, and no cousins. I was someone without any history except for the history I had been given. That had all supposedly begun the day I was plucked out of an orphanage. When I was sent away, I would have no name. Yes, before anyone condemned me for being so frightened and so upset about what might happen to me, he or she would have to stand in my shoes.

I heard footsteps in the hallway and knew from the sound that it was only Daddy who was coming to see me. I wiped away the tears from my cheeks and sat up straight, holding my breath until he opened the door.

“I swear, the two of you will be the death of me,” he said. “Do you know why your sister was late for dinner last night and why she called you? Of course you don’t. You said you didn’t, but you’d never imagine.”

I waited, yet to take a breath.

“She was afraid we would move away from here before she had helped you be your father’s daughter. She went and answered one of those personal advertisements through the Internet. Frankly, I never thought of any of you doing that. There’s a potential gold mine there. She had to meet the prospect. I guess I can’t fault her for being clever, but I do fault the both of you for messing up, for being careless and getting yourself in trouble at school,” he added, but not with the violent anger I had anticipated. “Mrs. Fennel’s correct. This is not good timing for something like this, not that there is ever a good time for it for us.”

I took a breath. “I know Mrs. Fennel hates my saying it, but I can’t help it, Daddy. I’m sorry.”

He nearly laughed. I felt my body soften and relax. “Well, Mrs. Fennel believes that in a world where no one could say he or she was sorry, fewer mistakes would be made. People would be more careful.”

He stepped up to me, took my chin in his hand, and gazed at my face.

“You’re too beautiful not to forgive, Lorelei. I know deep in your heart, you don’t want to do anything that would hurt me, hurt all of us. Soon you will be fully mature, fully realize your potential and purpose, and then you will be unstoppable. This really is the wrong time to be making any mistakes. You’re too close. I think you understand that now. Instinctively, you do.”

I tried to nod, but he was holding my chin too tightly. I could feel the strength flowing through his fingers and into my face.

“I’ll go with you to school tomorrow. We have a little more time here yet, and I want you to be all right, for all of us to be all right, until we leave.”

“Where will we go, Daddy?”

“We’re going to Louisiana,” he said. “There are many new opportunities there for us since the floods.”

He was still holding my chin between his thumb and fingers.

“So, I’m going to forgive you for this mistake, Lorelei. I want you to feel and appreciate my forgiveness,” he added, and slowly lowered himself so he could bring his lips to mine. It was a kiss unlike any he had ever given me, a kiss that didn’t awaken the daughter in me but awakened the woman. “There,” he said. “Sealed with a kiss.”

He let go of my chin and stood back, looking at me for a moment, a different sort of smile on his face, one I had not seen. It wasn’t the fatherly smile he had given me so often and I had so cherished. It wasn’t a smile of laughter or amusement, either. It was more the smile of an arrogant lover who was basking in the brightness of his own powerful sexuality. I really was reacting more like a woman than a daughter, and once again, I felt my body tighten and harden in places.

“Yes,” he said. “You’re too beautiful not to forgive. We’ll talk again at dinner.”

He stepped out and softly closed the door behind him.

I hadn’t realized I had been holding my breath so long. My lungs nearly exploded. I glanced at myself in the mirror. The tears were gone, but in their place was a
mixture of amazement and fear. What was I really learning about who and what I would become?

I tried not to think about it. Instead, I busied myself with myself. I took a shower, washed my hair, and brushed it out. As I was dressing, Ava came into my room.

“Well?” she asked.

“Well what?” I replied, and pulled up my skirt.

“Didn’t I do what I promised? I saved your ass, Lorelei.”

“You lied to Daddy, too. You took a big risk, too.”

“So, what are you going to do, confess just to get me in trouble?”

I turned away from her and put on my blouse.

“I think you had better think hard about your future, Lorelei. If you don’t do what I tell you to do, that future won’t include Daddy or me or anyone in this family.”

“Don’t threaten me, Ava,” I said, spinning on her but trying to remain as cool as I could.

She smiled that cool, arrogant smile. “I’m not threatening you, Lorelei. A threat is like a promise of something terrible that could happen. This is more like a prediction,” she said. “You know, like when you’re driving off a cliff and falling a thousand feet. You can predict you’ll be dead in seconds.”

I tried to keep my façade of strength and resistance, but she was still my older sister, still Ava, the one who could make me tremble.

“Put on those earrings I gave you. They go perfectly with that blouse,” she said, and left.

I sat on the bed and stared at the floor. What would
happen now? I hoped that Mrs. Fennel would be so concerned that she would have Daddy move up our date to leave. Despite how I felt about Buddy, I wished it were tomorrow. I wished I would wake up and find my clothes had been packed and the car was idling outside. It would be a true getaway. We would disappear into that fog of mystery that kept all of our family secrets safely hidden. Daddy was right to think of it as being born again. The past would fall back and dissipate like smoke. Amnesia would be a blessing.

I rose and went to dinner.

It was as if nothing bad had happened. Daddy was very happy and talkative. He described our new home in Baton Rouge. It was an antebellum mansion. It surprised me to hear him say it had been in our family for nearly two hundred years. What family did he mean?

“What’s
antebellum
mean?” Marla asked.

“Built before the Civil War,” I said before Daddy could reply.

He smiled. “That’s right. I’ve lived in many like it. It’s a Greek Revival. You’ll be impressed with the detailed work in it. And the two of you,” he said, referring to Marla and me, “will have bedrooms nearly twice the size of the ones you have now. And don’t forget, we’ll have a new little girl. Another sister for you will be coming.”

“I can’t wait,” Marla said. “It’s boring here.”

Daddy laughed. “Boredom won’t be your problem, Marla. Will it, Ava?”

“Hardly,” she said. Whenever Daddy spoke or she did, she looked mainly at me, searching for any hint that I was about to break down and confess.

“How much longer, Daddy?” Marla asked.

“Not much longer.” He looked at Ava. “We still have a few things left to do here.”

Ava smiled and said, “Yes, we do. Don’t we, Lorelei?”

I glanced quickly at Daddy. He was gazing at me with a more studied look, searching for some hesitation.

“Yes,” I said. Then I smiled. “I think I agree with Marla for once. I can’t wait, either.”

“Excellent,” Daddy said. He reached for our hands. “My girls. No one anywhere, no other family, no father and daughter, will ever be, could ever be, as close as we are. Feel your pulses. Your hearts beat together as one heart with my heart. Others talk about the invisible umbilical cord that binds a child to his or her mother, but we are bound by the rhythm of life itself. When one of you is in pain, I am in pain, and more important, perhaps, when I’m in pain, you will be. That’s what makes our unity, our devotion to each other, so special, so unique, and so different from anything you will see out there. Be sisters. Always be sisters,” he said, “and you will always be good daughters.”

Mrs. Fennel brought in our food. I looked to see if her face was still full of suspicion and anger toward me, but she didn’t look any different from the way she usually looked. I wondered if she was going to take me aside after dinner finally to talk about the changes I had felt in my body and what they meant, but she said nothing.

Daddy wanted to spend a few hours after dinner as we often did. We gathered in the living room to listen to music. Despite what had happened earlier, he continued to be joyful. The prospect of a new
home and a new daughter did appear to energize him. He lived what he preached. He was always being reborn. He did treat each day as if it were the first day of a new life.

He danced with all three of us, but this night, he chose to dance more with Ava. When they danced, they looked like lovers. He held her closer, kissed her on her cheeks and even her neck. She laughed and threw her head back. He spun her around, the two of them at times looking as if they were completely alone. I saw Marla had the same look of astonishment but also of envy on her face. I felt that, but I was also more intrigued with Daddy and how he held the three of us differently now from how he had at previous times. There were moments now when I would swear he looked twenty years younger. It was as if instead of drinking from some magic fountain, he could will himself back in time.

Tonight Mrs. Fennel did something unusual, too. She rarely showed her face in the living room after dinner when we were dancing with Daddy. She watched from the doorway this time, but she watched as if she wanted to be sure everything was going as it should. I tried not to stare at her, but I was curious about her reactions and searched her face for worry or concern, especially when she looked my way. There was nothing like that in her expression. She nodded to herself and eventually left.

Afterward, we all sat around Daddy, as usual, while he described something wonderful from his past, some memory stirred by our laughter and joy together. This time, he described his travels through China with a beautiful Chinese princess whose ancestors went back to the Middle Ages. Just as always, his descriptions of the
countryside, the palaces, and the celebrations captured our imagination. He recited ancient Chinese poetry and showed us a little of a ritual dance. If anyone wondered how it was possible for three teenage girls to be so amused and entertained at home, they had only to participate in one of Daddy’s special evenings.

When it was over, it left me feeling very sad. I was unhappy with myself, with my act of betrayal. How could I ever risk losing Daddy’s love? What was I thinking? I think he saw the sadness in my face and made a point to kiss me and hold me longer than he did Marla and Ava.

“You don’t worry about anything, Lorelei,” he whispered in my ear. “I’ll fix it all tomorrow, and we’ll finish off wonderfully here. You’ll do wonderfully. Sleep well.”

It took all of my self-control not to begin crying. I held back the tears and retreated to my bedroom, but Ava was right behind me.

“How can you not see how much he still loves you, needs you?” she asked angrily. “How could you even think of risking that and hurting him?”

“Please, leave me alone, Ava.”

“You fool.”

“All right!” I cried. “I’m not going to see him again. We’ll be gone, and that will be that.”

“Oh, no, Lorelei. That won’t be that. You will see him again. You owe me this, and you will do as I say. I know you’ll never stop pining over him. Whether you care or not, he’ll follow you everywhere you go, and you will be useless to Daddy and to yourself. Daddy will blame me.”

I said nothing.

“If you don’t do it yourself, I’ll do it for you,” she said. “And that you can take not as a threat but as a promise.”

She left me to agonize over her words and my own feelings. I cried myself to sleep, but in the morning, I tried to look as fresh and as happy as possible. Daddy was taking Marla and me to school. He rarely came to any school we attended. He appeared only when it was absolutely necessary. But when he did come with me, I could see how quickly everyone was drawn to him. His elegant manner, heart-stopping good looks, and aristocratic self-confidence captured the attention of teachers and students alike. On those few occasions when any of the other girls in my classes had seen him, they told me things like, “Your father looks like a senator or a president. Is he a movie star? I think I’ve seen him in a magazine. Does he own a big company?”

“He’s all of that,” I would say, and laugh at their dumbfounded looks.

Dr. Phelps was no different. I could see how impressed he was when we entered his office. He looked and sounded almost apologetic. “This meeting is a mandatory formality,” he began. “I have to do what the board requires.”

“Of course you do,” Daddy said, sounding generous.

“It was quite surprising having Lorelei sent to my office for anything improper. Until now, she has been an ideal student. Her grades are excellent, and her teachers only say laudatory things about her.”

“Yes, it was surprising to me as well. She’s been nothing less than an utter delight as a daughter. I know she’s as upset about her behavior as you are, Dr. Phelps.”

“I hope we won’t see anything remotely like this again.”

“Oh, I think we can safely say you won’t,” Daddy told him.

“Well, we don’t want her to miss any more class time,” Dr. Phelps said, rising. “I appreciate your coming in promptly.”