Deceive (Declan Reede: The Untold Story #2) (22 page)

While we prepared to leave, Alyssa ducked into the ladies’ room, leaving Phoebe outside with me. I watched as Phoebe ran loops around one of the direction signs. On one loop, she tripped and went sprawling across the ground. She landed in a heap with a scream ready on her lips.

I didn’t know if she’d done any major damage, but my first instinct was to run over to her and scoop her into my arms. Even as I comforted her, she screamed for Alyssa.

“Shh,” I whispered as I rocked her gently against my chest. “Daddy’s got you. You’re all right.”

It was only when I heard a soft gasp behind me that I realised what I’d said. Spinning on the spot, I passed Phoebe to Alyssa. I paced away from them, running my fingers through my hair. It wasn’t how I’d wanted to do the big reveal. Blowing out a breath, I turned back toward the pair.

Phoebe had her face buried against Alyssa’s neck and nothing more was mentioned about the D word. Either she hadn’t heard what I’d let slip, or hadn’t understood the significance of it. I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or not. Alyssa smiled at me, reassuring me that she wasn’t upset. I was over beside them both in a flash, my hand resting on the base of Alyssa’s spine. I pressed my lips to her hair. “Let’s go home, hey?”

“Sounds good,” she responded.

“But first . . . we have to get an ice cream.”

Phoebe lifted her head off Alyssa’s shoulder and grinned at me through her tears. We headed back to the main gate, stopping to pick up a copy of every official photo we’d had taken throughout the day. It cost a fuckload of money, but was worth every single cent for the permanent reminders of the log ride, the river rapids, and the big red car. Once we’d finished there, I led the two of them to the ice-cream parlour near the exit.

“What’s your favourite flavour?” I asked Phoebe.

“Umm, pink.”

I raised an eyebrow and Alyssa smirked.

“Pinks not a flavour,” I whispered conspiratorially to Phoebe.

“Pink! See,” Phoebe said, pointing to the strawberry ice cream with a victorious grin.

I sighed in defeat. “Fine. Pink it is.”

“I’ll have the usual,” Alyssa said, and I wondered if it was a test to see if I remembered.

As if I’d forget her favourite ice cream. I ordered two strawberry ice creams and one hokey pokey, all smothered in chocolate fudge but no cream.

“You remembered,” Alyssa said as I handed her the hokey pokey. Despite her words, her voice was clear of surprise and brimming with confidence. It felt like she trusted my promises more with every passing hour. I wasn’t going anywhere, and she was finally starting to understand that.

I twisted a loose strand of hair back into her ponytail. “How could I forget?” I asked.

Alyssa chuckled, no doubt as the memories returned. When we were twelve, she’d gone on a skiing holiday to Queenstown in New Zealand with her parents and Josh. When they’d arrived back in Australia, Alyssa had raved non-stop for three months about hokey pokey ice cream, chocolate fish, and some drink called L&P. For Christmas, I’d forced Mum to hunt around so many different stores trying to find that shit just for Alyssa. In the end, we’d paid a small fortune to get them from a specialty ice-cream parlour in the city. Now, just ten years later, it was everywhere.

“You’ll have to come to New Zealand with the team when we race in Hamilton next year,” I said to her. “You’ll be able to get the proper stuff, direct from the source.”

She nodded but didn’t say anything. Her confidence from moments earlier seemed to falter. The hesitation was still there. I wondered what I could possibly do to try to convince her I wasn’t ever leaving. A ringing on my mobile pulled me back to the present. Because I didn’t recognise the number, I answered it hesitantly. As soon as the caller spoke though, I recognised Ben’s chipper tones. I walked from the table so that Alyssa and Phoebe didn’t have to listen to my conversation.

“Hey, man,” I said enthusiastically. “It’s great to hear from you.”

He chuckled. “To be honest, I wasn’t sure whether or not you were serious about me calling you. Jade pushed me to do it.”

“I’m glad you called, we have to arrange that catch-up. Maybe you can bring Jade and the kids ’round one day. I’ll have to double-check when’s good with Alyssa though.”

“No problem. Just let me know the details.”

“Cool, man.” I wanted to hang on the line and talk to him some more, but I was growing desperate to get back to Phoebe and Alyssa. As I hung up I heard a bit of a whispered conversation. Alyssa was smiling, but looked nervous as hell. I wondered what had changed in the last few minutes.

“Really?” Phoebe asked Alyssa in a whisper. Then she looked over to me—her eyes were as wide as they had been when she’d seen the Wiggles sign. It was like all her fucking Christmases had come at once.

“What’s up?” I asked, but neither of them would answer. “Fine . . . keep your secrets,” I said, then instantly regretted it as Alyssa’s face fell.

“Declan, I—”

I cut her off. “Don’t worry. It was a stupid thing for me to say.” Something I seriously needed to wipe from my lexicon. “Are you guys ready to go?”

Alyssa and Phoebe both nodded.

Scooping Phoebe up onto my shoulders, I carried her out to the car that way. Alyssa walked beside me with her hand resting on my back. We felt like a family, even if we hadn’t yet told Phoebe exactly who I was. Instead of handing the task over to Alyssa, I put Phoebe in her car seat. I’d watched Alyssa enough that I finally had it worked out . . . mostly.

“Did you have a good day today?” I asked Phoebe.

She nodded and beamed. Her smile was so wide it had to have hurt.

“Declan,” she said, before pausing to regard me for a second. Finally, she learned forward and whispered, “You’re a good daddy.”

My heart skipped a beat.

CHAPTER TWENTY: INNOCENT TRUTH

“YOU’RE A GOOD daddy.”
The four words ran on repeat through my mind. Seconds had passed since Phoebe had uttered them, and yet it felt like centuries as I tried to figure out how to react. When my brain didn’t respond fast enough, my body took over. My face had broken into a smile to match hers. Then I leaned forward and planted a tender kiss on her forehead. “I’m glad you had a good day.”

I backed out of the car and saw Alyssa watching our interaction intently. She had the ends of her hair twirled around her fingers. I reached out to still her actions.

“Well . . .,” I started, my heart still hammering in my chest, my smile cemented on my face. “That was unexpected.”

Even though I’d said the words when she’d fallen, the delay in her response had thrown me.

“She’s very observant.”

“She takes after her mother then,” I whispered.

When I climbed behind the wheel, the silence in the car was absolute. My own thoughts were centred on Phoebe’s words. Alyssa stared out the window, her mouth smiling, but her eyes filled with concern. I wondered whether she still doubted whether I’d stay. In the backseat, Phoebe passed out before we even hit the highway.

“Is she all right?” I asked, concerned, as I glanced in the rear-view mirror, watching her little head resting against the side of the car seat. Her head rested at such an odd angle it looked like it must hurt.

“She’s fine. It’s just been a long day for her,” Alyssa replied.

“And for you?” I asked, hoping desperately that I hadn’t fucked anything up with my slip or with my choice of destination.

Alyssa continued to look out the window for a few more seconds before turning back to me. “It’s been a long weekend.”

“And?”

“And I’m ready to go home and climb into bed.”

I wondered if it was an invitation. If so, I would be there with bells on.

Or nothing on.

“But I think we need to talk to Phoebe first,” she continued. “I want to make sure she really understands.”

I nodded. “What do we say?”

“I think we tell her the truth.”

“Which is?” I asked, terrified of what Alyssa would have me say—and whether it might change Phoebe’s opinion of me.

“That her daddy made a mistake and wants to make up for it. That’s about right isn’t it?”

“It’s an oversimplification, but it just about sums it up, I guess.”

Alyssa laughed. “Declan, she’s three. She doesn’t need complicated. All she needs to know is whether you will be there for her.”

“Always,” I said without hesitation.

“Then there’s nothing to worry about, is there?”

I shook my head. “I guess not, it’s just . . . I worry about, when she gets older, you know.”

She gazed at me questioningly.

“Well, if she finds out more about what happened when she’s older . . . will she hate me?”

“I don’t think she’ll hate you.”

“How do you know?” I asked, my stomach twisting into knots at the thought.

“How did you feel when you found out about Phoebe? Specifically about the fact Kelly knew?”

I couldn’t figure out the best way to answer her. Mostly because I didn’t know what she wanted to hear. In the end, I settled for the truth. “I was fucking pissed off,” I whispered.

“Did you hate her?”

“What?” I was thrown by the question. “No, of course not. I was annoyed, but I could never hate her . . . she’s my Mum.”

Alyssa quirked her eyebrow at me. “Exactly. It’s hard to hate your parents. The love is unconditional.”

“I hate my father,” I seethed.

Alyssa suddenly found her hands very interesting. “You might be angry with him, but I doubt that you hate him . . .”

“But?” I asked. I could sense the ‘but’ a mile off.

“Well . . . he’s done some pretty horrible stuff, and he’s hurt people you love. Plus, he knew he was hurting people when he did it, but he did it anyway.”

“I knew I was hurting
you
when I left.” I rubbed madly at my face, trying to wipe away the tears that were pooling in my eyes and obstructing my vision. I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and clenched my teeth to stop the flow. “I mean, I never imagined . . .”

She caught my hand in hers. “I know.”

I pulled my hand free and stroked her cheek. “I love you. So much,” I croaked.

“I love you too.” She leaned into my hand. I could feel the warmth radiating off her and desperately wanted to get her home. I needed to hold her in my arms and wrap her in my embrace. She controlled my sanity; all it took was a word, or a touch, from her and my thoughts would calm. I owed her more than she would ever know, and I would spend the rest of my life making up for everything I’d done.

We fell into a comfortable silence as I drove us back. All the while four little words ran on repeat through my head.
“You’re a good daddy.”

Phoebe woke just as we stopped. There were a few minutes of awkward silence as the car was unloaded and we headed inside.

“I’m just going to put some dinner on,” Alyssa announced. “Phoebe, why don’t you go get a book that Declan can read to you while you wait.”

Phoebe shook her head and grabbed my hand. “Come to my room, I’ll show you my toys.”

I shot Alyssa a quick look of concern. Entertaining Phoebe at Dreamworld was one thing—being alone with her on her turf was something else entirely.

“Go on,” Alyssa said. “I’ll be down once this is on.”

I nodded, before gulping down on a lungful of air. The unspoken words “and we can talk to her” hung between us.

Phoebe pulled on my hand and led me into her room. I spent the next half hour being shown every doll, teddy bear, puzzle, and book she owned.

“You’ve got lots of cool stuff,” I told her. I was sitting cross-legged in the middle of her floor with my back to the door. “What’s your favourite?”

“That depends on the day,” Alyssa announced from behind me. She walked over and sat on Phoebe’s bed. She patted the pink comforter in invitation, and Phoebe ran over to sit beside her.

My heart began to pound, knowing what was about to happen. Something shifted in the atmosphere of the room as a quiet tension seemed to settle over everyone.

“Sweetie, you know how Mummy always told you that your daddy wasn’t around, but that he loved you, wherever he was, and nothing could change that?”

I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. Alyssa could have easily spent the last three years telling Phoebe her dad was a fucking arsehole who needed his head read; she wouldn’t have been lying. Yet, even through her darkest time—even after I’d fucking abandoned her—she’d been kind when speaking to Phoebe about me. It might have been more for our daughter’s sake than mine, but I was still touched.

When I opened my eyes, Phoebe was looking at me. Her gaze seemed to reach right down to my soul. Alyssa inclined her head in Phoebe’s direction, silently instructing me to take over. She wanted me to be the one to say the actual words. I knew I already had earlier, but that had been some weird instinct to soothe a crying child. Now it was just so fucking difficult to find the right thing to say. How did you even broach the subject? Should I just come out and say, “I’m your daddy, and I’m a fucking idiot for ever leaving your mummy?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but closed it again and took a deep breath. My eyes were prickling so I closed them.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered finally. “I . . .” I was going to say I couldn’t find the words to make it right; that I didn’t know what to say. Even at this simple task, I failed.

A tiny set of arms wrapped around my shoulders, and I felt Phoebe’s hair against my cheek. I wrapped her in an embrace and tried to force back the tears. I couldn’t even open my eyes for fear the traitorous tears would escape.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, Phoebe, but your mummy is right. Your daddy loves you. I—I’d do anything for you.” The last part of my sentence was so choked that I didn’t know if she understood or not, but I didn’t care; saying the words out loud to her was a hundred times better than any therapy session.

“Can I say a question?” Phoebe asked and I finally grew brave enough to look at her. Her green-blue eyes, near perfect replicas of mine, were clear and untroubled. She wore a small smile. “Can you be my daddy for always?”

I choked back the lump in my throat and looked away from her captivating eyes. It was only then that I saw Alyssa was gone. I didn’t know at what stage she had left, or why. I reached my hand out to stroke Phoebe’s cheek gently as I nodded. “Forever and always, baby. I’m never going to leave you again.”

Phoebe gave a little jump with a double-handed fist pump. “Yay!”

I smiled through the threatening tears and a chuckle left my lips. “Why don’t we go see what Mummy is doing?”

She nodded sweetly at me and walked from the room. I sat on the floor a second longer, trying to gather myself. My heart was thumping and my stomach twisting, but I’d done it. I knew without a doubt that Phoebe understood who I was and what that meant. She accepted it. Fuck, she even seemed to be excited about it.

After a few more breaths to let the fact that I was on my way to becoming a card-carrying member of the father brigade settle over me, I picked myself up from the floor and wandered out to find Alyssa and Phoebe.

They were both in the kitchen when I found them. Alyssa stood at the bench and Phoebe had climbed onto a little stool behind her, watching as she worked her magic. Alyssa’s breathing was a little erratic and a moment later, she lifted her hand and swiped her cheek. Obviously hearing me approach, she turned around to smile at me. The remnants of tears wet her lashes. I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind.

“Dinner smells good,” I said out loud. Then I whispered in her ear, too quietly for Phoebe to hear, “Thank you.”

She nodded. “It’ll just be a few minutes. Phoebe, did you want to show Declan where everything is so that you guys can set the table?”

“Daddy,” Phoebe corrected Alyssa, her voice was full of awe. I couldn’t imagine her being more excited, even if she’d woken on Christmas morning to see Santa himself delivering her presents.

“Of course,” Alyssa said, her voice strained and filled with emotion. Despite how well Phoebe was taking it, I could tell it’d been a long-arse day for Alyssa. It’d been a fucking long day for me too. “Can you show
Daddy
where to find the plates?” She rested her hands against the counter and ducked her head down a little before drawing a couple of short, quick breaths.

Had my conversation with Phoebe upset her?

Maybe she regretted the decision to let Phoebe know. I wanted to reassure her once more that I wasn’t leaving, but Phoebe was practically shouting at me in order to get my attention.

Dinner was a fairly quiet affair for Alyssa and me, but Phoebe kept up a near-constant stream of chatter to fill the silence. She told me all about her friends at day care and about her Nana, Pop, Aunt Ruby, and Uncle Josh, letting me know she couldn’t wait to tell them that she had a daddy now. During that part of her speech, I could have sworn I saw Alyssa wipe more tears away. Under the table, I rested my hand on her thigh to give her what comfort I could. She startled a little at the contact but didn’t pull away so I figured she wasn’t too upset with me.

It must have been overwhelming for her. I was fucking overwhelmed too.

We spent the rest of the evening just hanging out on the couch. We watched some TV and movies, and generally avoided any extra talk about the D word. I didn’t approach Alyssa to find out whether she had any regrets about the day or the decision. That conversation could wait until after Phoebe was asleep.

When it came time for Phoebe’s bath, I waited on the couch while Alyssa handled it. I might have signed up for the name and the responsibility, but I wasn’t up for doing any of that shit just yet.

When they were finished, Alyssa called out to me from Phoebe’s room. I wandered down but stopped short in the doorway when I saw Alyssa reading a story to Phoebe. Even though I’d known that Alyssa was a mother for weeks, even though I’d interacted with her with Phoebe, it wasn’t until that moment that I truly saw how much of herself Alyssa gave. How much love she had to give. It made my heart weep for the time I’d lost. What would it have been like in the early days of Phoebe’s life? I had no fucking clue what babies did, or what looking after one involved, but I somehow just knew Alyssa would have been a natural mother even while she was dealing with her own heartache.

I was lost in thought when Alyssa used a nod and soft touch to my hand to call me out of Phoebe’s room. She led me into her bedroom and half-closed the door. Without a word, she closed her eyes and leaned back against one of the walls. A long sigh escaped her perfect lips, breaking the silence that surrounded us.

Following her, I pressed my body against hers, leaning my hands on the wall on either side of her head for support.

“Are you okay?” I asked in a whisper.

She nodded and gave me a small smile. “It’s funny, you know, part of me never thought this day would come. But the other part? God, I’ve been hoping, wishing, and praying for this for so long, but kind of dreading it all at the same time. It just,” her voice dropped to a whisper, “changes everything.”