Defiled Forever (10 page)

Twenty Two

The house is dark as I enter the foyer and kick off my heels. I hear a small sound like maybe the strike of a match. I am not sure if it was only my imagination or if maybe my Father is home already. I walk in the direction of his office where I think the noise came from.

It’s completely dark and silent. I make my way to the desk and turn on the small desk lamp. I realize it was my imagination and decide to head up to my room. As I turn towards the office door I see Nikolai sitting in a chair and smoking a cigarette which I now can clearly smell. I run back to the desk to grab the phone or something that I can use as a weapon. Nikolai is there just as fast. I grab a letter opener and hold it
upto
him like a knife.

“Lauren.” He chuckles. “What has got in to you? You need to be fucked this badly?”

I lunge at him and he wraps his hand around my wrist to stop me from stabbing him. I am the animal now. This is what he has done to me.

“I have a knife too. Let me lend it to you. This letter opener won’t do you any good. And he reaches up the bottom of his pant leg and produces a lethal looking small knife.

“This will work. It’s very sharp.” He says holding it out for me to take.

“Go ahead Lauren. Stab me. You want to kill me? Go ahead and do it. But remember, you cut me, I cut you back. This sounds like a fun game. Let’s play. Come on cut me.” He says barely above a whisper.

I am frozen. It is all too much.
The events of the night.
The stalking.
His voice.
His smell.
It is all too much. I am frozen.

“I used to say you were Bi Polar but I was wrong. I see now that you are a complete sociopath.” I whisper.

“On the desk or over on the sofa?”
He asks as he takes his knife back from me.

He is walking me to the sofa and talking in his deep menacing voice.

“If you knew the things this knife is capable of.
So sharp you can’t feel the cut.
Just the pain it leaves behind. I’m going to mark you before I fuck you. Fight me Lauren. Don’t disappoint me. I want you to fight me. Fight back. Your life depends on it”

He places the knife at my throat.
The Lake of Tears.
Instead of plunging it into my throat and killing me, he gathers the material of my beautiful dress there and slices it downward tearing it the rest of the way down with his hands, baring my body. He holds the knife to my throat as he frees himself from his pants and forces me down on the sofa.

He lowers himself and roughly spreads my legs after tearing off my panties. I think he is going to press his mouth to me as he has in the past, but instead he is looking at my inner thighs and vagina.

“You’re waxed. I knew you would be even more beautiful like this.
Perfection.”

He rubs inside each thigh. I finally realize he is looking for a spot. A place he can cut me. He wants to
scar
me.

This is the time he plans to kill me.

The scariest part is I want it. I welcome the release. I just lay there in a trance and wait for the whole ordeal to play out.

Nikolai lowers his mouth to me still holding the knife against my thigh. The cold blade of the knife provides more sensation than his tongue. He slices me at the top if my inner thigh and switches the blade to the other side. I feel my orgasm is on me as he slices the other thigh. I come and he licks first one, and then the other wound. He has lost his mind and wants me to react and I refuse. I can’t stop myself from coming but he will get nothing else from me. He is sick and so am I.

“I want to make you feel. I want to hurt you. You have destroyed me so it’s only fair I destroy you.” He says as he enters me violently. It is over in a minute or two and he gets off of me and walks out.

I want to lay here and never move again but the reality of my Father coming home to see me like this snaps me into action. I gather my tattered dress and make sure I leave the office in perfect condition.

The cuts on my thighs burn and ache as I climb the stairs and close myself in my bedroom.

I shower and the bleeding doesn’t cease until I apply anti-bacterial ointment to each cut.

Nikolai has left me bruised, battered, and now bleeding. There is nothing more he can do to me.

Just like he promised.
I am completely defiled.

Twenty Three

Weeks pass and after much pleading and not a lot of explaining, Father has let me drop out of school and basically dropout of everything in my life and move to Paris.

No Nikolai. No Matthew. No
Lies
.
No pain.

Matthew came to the house the morning after the fundraiser to check on me. He tried to discuss the things Nikolai said but I refused to talk about it yet. I think my inability to deny the entire thing was enough confirmation for him. I told him I couldn’t see him anymore. For a while at least and he took it very well. We parted friends but I feel like Matthew was grateful that he dodged a bullet by not getting further involved with a train wreck like me.

Father on the other hand, had a million questions I could not answer. I was the walking dead. I was so sad and so lost. I cried. I had no appetite. I was afraid. I was broken. I cried some more. His perfect daughter was a disaster.

He was completely bewildered.

I didn’t tell him about Nikolai, but he knows there was something very deep and traumatic to make me want to get as far away as possible. I wanted a fresh start. I wanted no one to know where I went or what I was doing. It was a totally secret mission.

And
since he can never really say no to me, he found an apartment for me near my job at an art gallery owned by a colleague of Mr. Francis. I came into money left by Mother when I turned twenty one so I can afford the new life I want.

Amanda has promised to come over during the summer break next year. We had grown apart the last few months before I left so it was no great loss really. We grew apart before I actually had my meltdown.

I am haunted by nightmares of Nikolai. Sometimes I feel him making love to me so
sweetly,
and sometimes I see him that final night, with my blood smeared on his cheekbones.
The hate in his eyes as he drove into me.
I fight the memories because good ones and bad ones both cause me nothing but pain. I have the faintest of little pale scars left behind in case I somehow ever forget. I remember a couple of different girls in school that had little scars on their thighs or arms from cutting themselves.

Now I have my own set of scars.

I really don’t do a lot with this new life I lead in Paris. I go to therapy twice per week and I work twenty to thirty hours per week in the gallery. I plan to enroll in school and get my degree here eventually.

What girl my age wouldn’t love living in the beautiful city of Paris? The city is so romantic and alive. The pace is the opposite of LA and I never want to leave.

I have not gone on a single date, but I have been asked a few times I’m just not ready yet. My boss is a lot like Mr. Francis but he has sort of adopted me. He looks after me and tries to fight the isolation that I choose to surround
myself
with.

My new life has gotten into a routine that feels very safe and very comfortable now. Days blend into weeks that now blend into months.

Twenty Four

It’s
dark and raining of course when I get home from work on Friday night. Shaking out my umbrella, I take off my wet things as soon as step inside my apartment. Before I can make my way to my bedroom to take off my remaining clothes, my doorbell buzzes. Not peeking since I am still standing inches from the door, I pull it open to find Nikolai there. Wet.

I am super slow to react and he is inside with me before I can slam the door shut. I hate that seeing
him
in the warm flesh makes me feel so wonderful again. I forgot what this felt like.

“Nikolai.
How did you find me?”

“I’ll always find you Baby.” He says and even though he is rain soaked, he smells divine as always.

There is a long pause as we stare into each other’s eyes. I am in shock. I had finally stopped expecting him to show up.

“You hurt me.” I whisper and hate myself for not saying something smarter.

“I know Baby. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I will never do anything like that again. I’m so sorry Baby.”

“What do you want?” I ask and slowly, I am getting composed.

“Just you.
I want to talk to you. Please, I want to make this right. Please hear me out.” He begs.

“Come in.” I say knowing this is wrong. I am such a loser.

Paying close attention to my wet hair he says “Go get dry and I will wait here and pour us some wine or something. Ok?”

Without a word I go down the hall to my room and grab a towel for my hair. I see the dark wetness on my dress so I change into yoga pants and a tee.

When I return to my small living room Nikolai has opened a bottle of wine and is pouring it into two glasses on the low coffee table. He has found a towel of his own and has dried his hair and it is wrapped around his neck. My fingers ache to reach up and smooth his hair back into order.
Masochist.

“You drink wine now I see.
A true Parisian.”
He says.

I take a glass and sit in the single chair other than the sofa beside him. I still haven’t spoken. I’m waiting to see what he is after. I know I should have called the police just now and I don’t understand why I didn’t. I don’t understand why I am the happiest I have been in months.
Loser.

“I’m a free man. I got out.
For you.
For us.
I want to have a life with you. Whatever you can give me.” He says with his accent so thick he is hard to understand. Did I understand him?

“What? What are you saying Nikolai? I don’t understand.”

“I want a chance.
A chance to make some kind of life together.
I know you loved me before and I was such a shit. I want the chance to earn your love again.” He says as he rakes his hands straight back through his hair.

“What I did to you. I know you can’t forgive. I can’t forgive myself. But I want you to give me a chance to start over.
To do everything right.
To be the man that deserves you. I won’t screw it up. I promise. I just need you to give me a chance.”

I can’t answer. This is unreal. I am confused by the very idea. I start with first things first.

“Why? Why did you do those things to me?” I ask.

“I’m a fuck up. I’m an animal.
Especially when it comes to you.
You were right. I did set you up to see me with those women. I wanted to push you away. I was put in a position by Anatoly that I had to end it with you. I knew that would be the fatal blow to our sad excuse of a relationship. At the time, I felt like I had to do that to save both you and possibly your father’s lives.”

“So what’s different now? Don’t you think
Petrov
can’t find me here the same way you did?” I ask and I am afraid more for my Father than for myself.

“I am out. I will always be in the family. Anatoly knows I will come if he needs me, but I am out of the day to day operations. I have a clean slate. No one gets out. But I am almost a son to Anatoly so he has a soft spot for me. He has known me since I was a kid. He knows I would give my life before anyone or anything could make me rat. Plus, my investments have made him a very rich man. He is grateful.” He explains and sips his wine before continuing.

“Once I understood and figured out I loved you and couldn’t live without you being my wife and having my children, I explained it to Anatoly and gave him the choice. To take my life or let me live it the way I want to. With the woman I want”

“Nikolai.
Please stop speaking to me like this. I can’t trust you. I can’t survive you again. Please.”

“I promise. No drugs. No jobs all night. I will take however long you need to trust me again. I am clean and honest. I make a good living now and I can give you everything you could ever want. I just want you. I know the love is still there. We just have to get back to that.” He says.

“No drugs?” I ask.

“None.
A little alcohol in moderation only.
I promise. I don’t need to get wasted just to live with myself anymore.” He says.

“No crime?” I ask.

“No. I feel like Karma has to pay me back for the things I’ve done, and someday it probably will, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to do right. Be straight.
Making you happy.
Making you trust me.”

“No more family?” I ask.

“Just the one I want to have with you.” He says and this is more than I dreamed possible. Everything I ever wanted. But I still can’t trust it.

“You made me want things I never wanted before. I never thought I would experience feelings like this. To be honest, I never knew I could feel period. You have changed everything for me. You probably have saved my life by making me want to have a life.
A life with you.”
He says.

“Where will we live?” I ask.

“I can live anywhere in the world and run my businesses. We can live here and be Parisians if you like. We can live in my home in Russia. We can live in the US if you would be happy.
Anywhere.
I don’t care.
Wherever you will be happy.”
He says.

“This is the longest I have been in the same room with you and not touched you. That should prove I am a changed man. But believe me when I say, keeping my hands off of you is the hardest thing.”

He says and I feel the familiar whoosh of feelings from head to toe.

“Nikolai, we don’t really know each other. We never dated or did anything normal. We may not like each other if we spend time together out of a bed. You may not want me anymore.”

“Is that what you need? You want to date me? No sex. We just spend time together getting to know each other? I can give you that if you need that.” He offers.

I see the tension in his cheek beating a pulse like even making that promise was hard.

“But you’re wrong Lauren. We do know each other. More than most couples. I know you as well as I know myself.

“I don’t know. I don’t know how to answer you. I don’t know what to say.” I say quietly. “You say you’re out but that you will always be loyal to and be there for
Petrov
if he needs you. You are still part of that but you will be home at night. What does all that mean?” I ask.

“It means I run my businesses and make a living independently and in all honesty I may need to do a favor once in a blue moon if Anatoly asks me. While I am not a gangster anymore, I am not Bob the Banker either. I’ll always be the guy with dirt on his hands, but it will never come into our home. It will never touch you or our family. I promise.

I let that soak in for a few minutes as we continue to stare at each other. I try to picture the life he describes. The life he paints a picture of seems so much better than the one I have been facing without him.

“Do you love me?” He asks.

“Yes.”

His nostrils flare at this as he inhales deeply.

“Then you have to decide. I have always taken the decisions out of your hands and made them for you. I was tempted to do that again this time. I even thought of getting you pregnant to bind you to me. But it has to be different this time. It has to be what you want.
Forever.
You have to say yes. You have to give yourself to me because it is what you want. But be certain. If you say yes and give yourself to me, I will never let you walk away.
Ever.
You are mine.”

“Do you love me Nikolai?”

“Yes I do. I love only you
Lyubov
Moya
.” He says sincerely.

“I’ve never once said those words to anyone before.” He adds.

“If you say yes, the animal in me will try to take over again and I will never let you go. If you say yes, it’s forever. Just like the family.
Blood in blood out.
For life.”
He says and his gravelly voice is thick with an accent.

I can’t speak even though I know my answer. I know
it’s
yes. I know I love him. Life without him would be hell. I feel like I never lived until I was with him. I want him forever just like he says. I can’t say the words.

Nikolai as always can read my mind and approaches me his hands going to each side of my face. He lowers his face to press the softest kiss to my lips.

“You will marry me?” He whispers.

“Yes. I will.” I answer.

“My poor Father.”
I say, and our lips are connected but not kissing.

“Grandchildren have a way of making everything all right. He’ll be fine.” He says as he presses his mouth into mine and seals our deal not with blood, but with a devastating kiss.