Defiled Forever (3 page)

Nine

My summer is long, almost endless.
Routine.
I go to work Monday through Saturday on whatever days they need me. My schedule changes week to week. I see Matthew whenever and socialize with Amanda or occasionally other friends from school. It is pretty bland and boring. The only tingle of excitement is that I am sure I have a stalker. I am followed everywhere and watched all of the time. I am so screwed up mentally that I find it comforting to be stalked. I am not feeling threatened. Instead, I am happy to know my life isn’t completely bland and boring because of this one little thing. Wrong I know, but we know I am a messed up freak.

I can’t be sure it is Nikolai or even his doing. I want it to be. The few times I have spotted my stalker off in the distance, he slips into the shadows or disappears completely just when I am about to get a good look at his face. I find myself looking out for him. He will be across the street from the gallery, covered up in a
hoodie
or outside on the corner near my favorite coffee shop.
Always there, but always too far away.

I hear his steps behind me when I walk to my car in a parking garage. I spot his
hoodie
when I am shopping and outside the restaurant when I am out with Matthew. I feel him there when we are dancing and acting silly in a club. My stalker is always there.

It’s kind of all I have. I want more, but certainly not with Matthew. Now that I have felt the highs that Nikolai gave me in bed and I know what it feels like to be totally consumed, I want to feel it again. Without it I feel only half alive.

I am such a discredit to women everywhere. I seem like a spineless wimp. I need a man to complete me?
Eww
! I need sex to be overwhelming and all consuming. I need the uncertainty of life or death when Nikolai is making me come while his hand squeezes my throat. Ugh! I am a disgrace to women everywhere! I am a disgrace to the strong independent woman I always thought I would be!

I read erotic romance novels now.
The darker the better.
I am seeking more and can’t find it. I hate Nikolai for turning me into this person. I hope I never see him again for the rest of my life, yet I dream of him every night and fantasize about him every day. I fantasize about him alone in my bed some nights when I make myself come. What a loser I am.

Ten

With summer winding to a close, I need to be
amping
up for classes to start up in the fall. I find it hard to get excited about anything these days. With fall
comes the big elections
so Matthew is fervently working towards his goal and I wish I had just a little bit of his enthusiasm. I can’t seem to focus.

Working later than usual on a rainy Friday night, the gallery has been packed with people attending a little cocktail party to view the work of a new artist.
A different group from our usual patrons.
This artist is young and hip and his street art attracts all kinds of people. Finally everyone has left including the artist himself. The owner and I are the only staff left and he tells me to stop cleaning and fussing and to head home. He has a cleaning crew scheduled for first thing in the morning. He sees me out the door with a quick hug goodbye and locks it up behind me.

It’s really pouring now so I grab a newspaper to hold over my head as I make my way to my car. I don’t know what good it does but I see people do it when they don’t have an umbrella like me. An SUV is parked curbside in front of the gallery as I step outside. Both windows are down and the smell of marijuana smoke is strong.

“You look good in that tight skirt mama. You need a ride?” comes from the SUV and at least two guys crack up laughing.

I ignore that and step out in front of their vehicle to cross the street and get to my car down the block.

As I cross in front the driver says “Why don’t you jump in and you can suck our dicks while we take give you a ride home.”

Out of nowhere, my
hoodie
stalker reaches in through the window and starts pounding the driver. His friend jumps out of the passenger side and comes around to help the driver just as
hoodie
pulls him out onto the pavement. The hood
slides back in the scuffle with the two men and it is
clearly Nikolai. He pummels the two gang banger types relentlessly and even when they are clearly finished and not fighting back at all, he continues hitting them and brutally kicking them.

“Niko stop! That’s enough! You’re going to kill them!” I scream. And his sanity returns. He drops his victim to the ground next to his friend. He just stares at me. He is out of breath and visibly getting control of himself.

“Are you hurt baby?” He asks as he approaches me.
Both of us soaking wet now.

“Of course not they didn’t touch me.”

“Fuck baby. You are just trouble waiting to happen.”

“How is that my fault? How can you say that? I ask him.

He smiles and picks a strand of wet hair off my face. “Let me drive you home. We will come back and pick up your car tomorrow.”

“I will make your car wet.” I say.

“Come on.” He says, ignoring my comment and he takes my arm and leads me a block or so down the street where I see the familiar Mercedes parked.

We are heading for my home in silence when I say “So you’re my stalker?”

“Yeah and thank God I was there tonight.”

“Why do you watch me?” I ask in almost a whisper.

“I still get to see you this way. I’m fucked up sweetheart.” He offers and I reach over and squeeze his hand. It’s the first time we have touched in so long. Even with clammy and rain soaked skin, the feeling is electric and wonderful.

He keys in security codes without my input as if he does it every day.

“Do you have staff coming in tomorrow or this weekend at all?” He asks.

“No. It’s just me. How do you know my father is out of town?”

“I know everything. I can even tell you his hotel room number down in Orlando and what flight he is returning on Tuesday.” He smiles.

“Clever you.
It’s just me until Tuesday.”

Eleven

As soon as we are in and security codes punched in, again without asking me, he turns me to face him with his hands on my waist and just looks his fill.

I am embarrassed, knowing I look like a drowned cat.

“You’re so beautiful baby. I see why those boys couldn’t help themselves. You are so fucking hot.
Sex in a skirt.”

I feel a blush sweep from my chest up. First blush in months. I love being under Nikolai’s scrutiny. I love his vulgar words. He’s back. We’re back.

“I need a shower and warm dry clothes. Did you want something to eat or drink?” I ask.

“Not right now. Let’s go up.”

We hold hands up the stairs and he leads us right to my room.
Déjà vu.

Nikolai starts removing my clothes and says “It kills me when you dress like this baby.”

I am wearing a grey pencil skirt with a soft white blouse tucked in and now ruined grey heals. Plain
work wear
for the gallery.

“What am I wearing?” I ask him.

“It’s not what you are wearing. It’s how you wear it.”

I am down to my lacy white bra and panties now and Niko sucks in a breath as his hand caresses down my tummy. I shiver and break out in chill bumps.

I look down to where his big warm hand lies on my cool flat tummy and I see all of his knuckles on both hands are scraped and bloody.

This is all so familiar to me. His smell, his gravelly voice, the way he makes me feel. This is what I have been missing. This is what I have been craving. Nothing matters but this.
Us.

Bending down and kissing me deeply, Nikolai tastes like heaven, and as always I want more. I pour my very soul into the kiss as does he. I want to express how much I feel and how much I need this. How much I need him. For once he isn’t freezing me out or holding back. He is letting our emotions take over.
His as well as mine.
Bliss.

Shower is forgotten as I am lifted and carried the few steps to my bed where Nikolai gets rid of my remaining clothes and frees himself from his pants.

We are immediately swept up into the frantic, wild, intense, lovemaking even though we are all wet and sticky from the rain soaking.

Nikolai licks and kisses and softly bites his way all over my body as I try and do the same to him. He is still clothed and never likes allowing me any control, so it is hard for me to get to his skin.

With his mouth at the very core of me, he makes me come in only a few seconds. Without losing contact with my body, he works his wallet out of his pants and tosses it clear of the bed after removing the condom package.

In a flash he is pushing deeply into me as I have another orgasm and scream out with the intensity of it all. He follows after a few final pumps into me and grunts into my neck.

We are breathing heavy as we come back down from that explosion. I feel my tension rise a little bit as I prepare for the coldness in him to return and the kiss off and “I will call you sometime” part.

With a few soft kisses to my lips face and neck, he leaves the bed and heads into the bathroom to dispose of the condom and do whatever.

I hear the shower running and decide to jump in with him.

He smiles and reaches for me when I open the shower door.

“I was going to run you a hot bath when I got out. That is the only reason I went first and left you on the bed.”

“This is fine but thank you for the thought.” I say and feel kind of shy again. I think I am waiting for him to be a jerk and say the wrong thing and leave me feeling foolish. I take his battered hands and kiss them one at a time.
Sweetness.
This is kind of different.

“You are the only person I have ever made a bath for in my life. The only person I ever shampooed other than myself. I have done a lot of things with you I have never done before.” He says as he is lathering shampoo in my hair.

“Well ditto for me.” And we laugh at that one. Everything sexually I have ever done has been with this man and he knows it.

When we get out he wraps a towel around his waist and I do a turban towel on my hair. He takes his time drying every inch of me before wrapping a towel around me snuggly and kissing me long and slowly.

“While you finish drying, I am going to change the bed I ruined with my wet clothes and do something with all of this wet stuff.” He says as he is walking around the room and gathering up the strewn items.

“No need, I can do that.” It seems so odd to think of Nikolai doing such domestic things like changing a bed and doing laundry. I assume Yelena and other staff wait on him hand and foot.

His arms full of clothing he returns to me and kisses me saying “I’ve got this baby. Tell me where I can find sheets and a fresh comforter.”

“I will get them.” And I head down the hallway to grab the things out of the linen closet and return them to him.”

The bed is stripped and I try to go around to the opposite side and help but Nikolai stops me pointing to the bathroom tells me to go dry my hair.
Fine.

Twelve

When I emerge all blow dried and refreshed. Niko is nowhere in sight, so I put on shorts and a tank top. The bed is perfectly made. I am impressed with his skills as well as his willingness to do something like that.

I head downstairs and smell food cooking in the kitchen and my tummy growls. I am starving and wonder what he has going on.

He is busy with plates and cutlery, setting our small little breakfast table. He is still wearing nothing more than a towel wrapped around his waist. All he needs is an apron. I hear the washing machine going and have a quick flashback to the time we were together here before. I spot his glass of liquor and not the one big ice cube but 3 or 4 small ones out of the icemaker in our fridge. He is so at home here and so easily.

“What’s cooking?” I ask.

He smiles at me with a smile that goes all the way through his grey eyes.

“Martha set us up before she took off.
Lucky for us.
It is warming now. Do you want a bottle of wine with our dinner?”

“No. Thank you.
Just water for me.”

A sad look crosses his face briefly and he says “You cut your beautiful hair.”

I reach up and touch it self-consciously. “Yes. I did.”

“I was watching you the entire time you were in that salon. It was hard for me to stand back. If the stylist cut any more length off, I would have torn the place apart and carried you out of there.”

 I have no answer to that. I feel like there is nothing about me over these last few months that Niko doesn’t already know.

I see his drink is now empty so I go to the bar in Daddy’s office and grab the bottle and bring it to the kitchen for him. When I return he is off to the laundry room so I follow. He is pouring in fabric softener for the rinse cycle.

“Really?”
I ask laughing.

“Yes.
Really.
Don’t you know by now I am very good at covering up my tracks?”

“Nikolai.”
I am sad suddenly. I don’t want the reality just yet.

“I am having Vlad bring me some things if that is ok with you. He will take the comforter to my cleaning guy so we can have it back tomorrow.” He says. Keeping at bay my questions and fears. We have never really talked. Not about the things that matter.

“Let’s eat Lauren. You need to build your strength up. You have lost a lot of weight since I last had my hands on you.”

We have a great dinner and I am surprised at how much I eat. My appetite is back. We talk about his work and my work. With regret he tells me his boss,
Petrov
, pressures him not to see me. Telling him this is impossible. He needs to move on and leave me alone. The entire “family” has great concerns about my seeing Matthew. I know that Matthew’s pet project is organized crime but I don’t want to talk about that now. I don’t want to spoil our time together.

“You can’t care for him. I know you don’t. Why do you keep seeing him?” Niko asks roughly.

“He’s a good guy Nikolai.
A nice non-threatening guy.
Just because I have acted like a brainless bimbo around you since day one doesn’t mean all I want in life is someone to hike my skirt up and screw me.

Matthew is nice.”

His face darkens immediately.

“Don’t talk like that. That isn’t you. Don’t ever call what we do “a screw”. I allow you to see him because his head is so far up his own ass he is harmless. But trust me if he ever pushes for more, it’s over.”

“Nikolai!
Don’t think you have any say in
who
I see or what I do! I will see Matthew or anyone else I choose to see whenever I want to and if I decide to “screw” them I will! I may have never used my brain when I was around you but believe me I do have a mind of my own!” I almost shout.

“Don’t doubt me when I say it will be over. That’s a promise not a threat. I will kill anyone that touches you. And I will take great pleasure in using these hands to do it.” And he raises his hands to show me.

We sit in silence for a few minutes before Nikolai stands up and starts clearing away our dishes. I stand and take over, leaving him to return to his laundry.

After a few minutes of rinsing dishes and loading them into the dishwasher, Niko slips up behind me and wraps me in his arms, and bends to kiss my neck and behind my ear.

“I don’t want to fight Nikolai. Please. Not tonight.”

“Me neither. I’m sorry. You know what I am Lauren.
As much as you try to hide from it.
You know.”

He kisses me and all is forgotten.
For now.

“Vlad will be here soon. Let’s go watch a movie or something.” He says and I follow him to the room where we have a huge flat screen and he has the remote to channel surf. We get interested in something and it feels normal. We have never done things together like this before.

I don’t move when the doorbell chimes. Nikolai, like he owns the place as always, goes to greet Vlad. I hear them speaking softly and Nikolai, still wearing only a towel, brings the items for dry cleaning out of the laundry room. Knowing now that the “family” doesn’t want Nikolai around me, I especially have no desire to chat with Vlad or any of them. The front door closes and other than returning to me and our

TV program, he runs upstairs. I decide to stay put instead of following him up like a puppy dog. I try to get into what is on the screen.

After five or ten minutes Nikolai is back and sits down next to me in long gym shorts and nothing else. He smells very good like he normally does as he sniffs a few times and kind of pinches his nose. I know without a doubt he has just done drugs and I hate it. I really hate it.

We watch a few shows and make out like high school kids on the sofa. I lay on him and he lays on me. Finally when we are both worked up into
a frenzy
, he turns off the TV standing up and throws me over his shoulder. All evening I am reminded of these things we have done before in the past. There has just been a lot more conversation than usual.

He kisses me deeply as he slides my feet to the floor. I notice the garment bag and the familiar smaller shaving kit type of bag, I feel content knowing he plans on staying here for the weekend.

He is suddenly everywhere.
His mouth.
His hands.
He is on the attack and I love this. I love when I feel completely devoured by him. In no time, we are both completely naked and laying on the bed. I am a stroke away from having an explosive orgasm and he hasn’t even entered me yet. With the condom in place, he thrusts inside me at the same time his hand grips my throat and I come apart. I try to cry out Nikolai’s name but his grip on me is too tight. I begin to panic that he is lost in it all and won’t let me go in time and save me from passing out completely.

“More!” He grunts.

“Come on Lauren. Come for me again. You want this. You want me. You want to fucking breathe again.
Come
the fuck on! Come before I fuck the very life out of you!”

And I do.
Along with him.
I feel shame at how messed up we are. How I enjoy being on the edge of life and death. How great my orgasms are when it seems like life or death.

I doze for a while and when I am back in the world, I see Nikolai sitting on the bed with a drink. He is staring at me and looks so content and relaxed. I stretch and say “Hello.”

“Have I been out long?” I ask him.

“Not long, maybe an hour.” He says as he is rubbing my legs mindlessly.

OMG
.
An hour?
I thought maybe a couple of minutes at most and I struggle to sit up.
Great sex that knocks me out cold for an hour after.

“I need to use the bathroom and brush my teeth for bed. Can you stay?” I feel both brave and needy at the same time for asking that.

“I’m not going anywhere sweetheart. At least not until Anatoly
has
me carried out in a body bag.” He says.

I reach out to hold his arm so frightened by his words.

“Is that a possibility? I mean just for being with me?”

“Not today. I am finding a way to make this work out. Don’t worry about it.” He assures me with a kiss to my forehead.

“Nikolai, why can’t you get out? You have your own money and don’t need them. Why can’t you get out?” I ask.

“Hit the bathroom. I need another drink. Can I bring you one?” He asks standing up to leave the bedroom and not waiting for my answer and definitely not answering my questions.