Defiled Forever (6 page)

It stings and burns and I want no part of this. I am out of the zone.

He begins kissing and rubbing and speaking endearments in both languages. He is coaxing and persuasive as he goes deeper and deeper. Slowly but surely he is inside of me all of the way and he has drug me back into the zone with him. He wraps an arm around my waist and lifts me to my knees while pumping into me. His hand seeks out my wetness and he begins stroking me in rhythm with his thrusts. I feel more fullness than even when he is inside my vagina and my climax is just seconds away.

“I want to feel you come while I fuck you in the ass baby. Come for me.” He is breathing heavy like this is hard work for him and grunting with his every stroke.

“You’re so fucking perfect and all
mine
.
Mine to defile and debase.
Mine to use.
Mine to break.
Mine.”

Much to my shame, I come at his horrible degrading words. He comes immediately when he feels my orgasm hit.

“Yes. Fuck yes Lauren Baby.” He cries.

He stays inside me for a few minutes as our breathing returns to normal. He moves my hair aside and kisses the back of my neck and down my back still speaking soft loving words to me. He reaches up and unties me and rubs the circulation back into my arms and shoulders.

He is up changing the music back to the soft soothing sounds and replacing items in his little bag.

“You did so good baby. Wait here until I come back for you.” And he is off to the bathroom. I just stare at the ceiling for a few minutes and listen. When the shower turns off, the bath turns on filling the tub. I am embarrassed to look at him and dread his returning to the bedroom.

With his damp hair pushed straight back and a towel around his hips, he bends to kiss my mouth as he lifts me in his arms and carries me to the bathtub.

The water is almost too hot but I find it soothing once I am used to it. He drops to his knees so he can wash me. His touch is
so
gentle as he soaps and washes every inch of me. The ends of my hair are getting wet so I gather it up to keep it dry and he hands me
an elastic
from the bathroom counter.

“I miss all that hair down to your waist.” He says more to himself than to me.

I close my eyes and just enjoy his bathing me. I’m exhausted and want to sleep for a few days straight.

When I feel his hands no longer washing me but just focusing on my throat and the little indention he says he loves. I open my eyes to see his eyes fixed on my throat. I know I have several bruises from the last few days and it seems he likes them. His face darkens like when he is aroused and his eyes are
a dark
shiny silver.

“You’re falling asleep. Let’s dry you off and put you to bed. It’s just a few hours until daylight.”

Oh so gently he lifts me out to stand and dries every inch of me and wraps a towel around me tucking the ends in. He takes my hair down carefully so he doesn’t pull it and I am astonished at how he goes from inflicting pain to treating me like a delicate infant.
Bipolar or maybe Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

He
unwraps
the towel and I slide naked under the covers.
Ready to sleep for a long
long
time, when he enters me none to gently.
No foreplay this time. My ass is still sore. He thrusts harder and deeper than he ever has before and that is saying a lot. He pounds so hard a few more times and I feel him coming inside of me just when I want to cry out that I can’t take anymore. No condom. Now I hurt front and back. But I feel truly loved and consumed.

With a long passionate kiss he says “Sleep well
Lyubov
Moya
.”
And I do. My eyes close and I am out.

Sixteen

I wake to a bright sunny room.
Alone.
It must be noon for my bedroom to be this bright. I know Nikolai is still here because even all the way up here in my bedroom I smell food cooking. And I am famished.

Looking over on his bedside table, I am happy the remaining lines of cocaine are still on the little mirror untouched. I don’t have any idea how much is too much but it worries me that he does such large amounts.

I wash and brush my teeth and brush through my hair before putting on shorts and a half tee shirt. What I would normally wear on a Sunday spent around the house. Nikolai is usually dressed so formally I feel like I should make more of an effort but this is the real me. I run down the stairs in my bare feet.

I spot Nikolai in the living area looking out at the sparkling pool having a heated argument on his phone in Russian. Oh no.

I hear noises to go with the smells coming from the kitchen. Oh my God Martha is here? Nikolai hasn’t seen me so I go to see Martha and find out how much trouble I am in.

When I enter the kitchen I see it’s not Martha, but it is Yelena busy working away cleaning and cooking. What is going on?

She comes to me with a smile taking both of my hands in hers. I feel happy to see her and I ask “What are you doing here?” Knowing she cannot understand or answer the question. She doesn’t let go of my hands and treats me like her long lost child or something.

“Yelena and Yuri are here to clean up the mess I’ve made of your place and to feed me.” Nikolai says from behind me.

He puts an arm around my waist, resting a hand on my bare
stomach,
he turns me to face him for a kiss. “Good morning
Krasavitsa
”

“Good morning. What is that you call me? You say that a lot.” I ask.

“
Krasavitsa
.
Beautiful.
I call you beautiful.”

“And so you, Yelena, and Yuri have moved in with my father and me?” I joke.

“Just for today.
Yuri helped me bring your car home this morning. ” He says. Nikolai does what he pleases without asking or consulting. He just takes over every situation. It’s Sunday and I don’t want to waste time arguing or getting into discussions about his control issues.

“Let me feed you.” He says pouring me coffee and filling a plate with a full breakfast. He sits next to me with a cup of coffee but doesn’t eat so I know he has already eaten. Nikolai loves his food and has a huge appetite.

I eat a small amount of my breakfast with Niko watching me and he asks where he can take me today.

“Can we stay here and do nothing?” I ask.

“If that is what you wish.” He says.

So we do. In a one piece swimsuit, I try to hide most of the marks Nikolai has left on my body as I lay out by the pool and read a book on my Kindle while Nikolai, wearing shorts and nothing else but a pair of aviators and looking sexy as hell works on his laptop at a poolside table. We seem so normal. More than an hour or two goes by like this. We seem happy. His phone rings a few times but he checks the screen and hits ignore both times. With every minute that passes, I know our weekend is coming to an end. I know tomorrow night I will be alone in my bed. As if he can read my mind and hear my thoughts, Nikolai asks

“Are you still thinking you love me?”

“Yes I do.” I answer him honestly.

“Huh.” He says.

“Are you afraid of me?” He asks.

“Sometimes.”
Honesty again.

“Do you like it?”

“Yes.”

“That’s my girl.”

I have laid down the Kindle and am giving him my full attention. With his glasses on I am unable to see his eyes. Hard for me to judge what he is thinking.

“Get in the pool.” He says. I think he likes to see if I cooperate with him ordering me around. So other than diving and making a loud splash, I go to the shallow end and slide down into the water.

“Come to me.”

So I swim across the length of the pool and pull up on the lip of the pool right beside his table. He turns to face me with his legs stretched out in front of him.

“I have to take off early in the morning. The real world out there won’t let me hide any longer. But I want to know how you feel about a couple of things I want to ask of you.” He says as he comes to sit beside me putting his feet in the water and still smoking his cigarette.

I say nothing. I just wait to hear what he asks.

“I will be back to sleep in your bed tomorrow night since your father still won’t be home. I don’t like you being alone in the house overnight.”

“Ok. But you should know
,
I have been staying alone here since I was fifteen or sixteen. Like my Father loves to say, that is what the finest alarm system is for.”

With a laugh he says “I think we have proven that is false.”

And it is a joke considering how Nikolai comes and goes without ever setting any alarms off.

He looks serious now and lays his hand on top of my wet head saying “You really are a poor little rich girl.
Lots of fine dresses but no affection or real love.
No one taking care of you the way you deserve. ”

“My Father loves me! He may not be warm and fuzzy like a television dad, but he loves me!” I say a little too loud and defensively.

“You and I are opposite sides of the same coin. That’s why this works. I have to push your limits to feel something.
To get deep enough.
And you have to be on the threshold all the time to know my love is real.
Deep enough.
We both need to feel it scar our very souls.”

He said love. I think he says he loves me.

He slides his hand down my wet hair around my cheeks and face, stopping at my throat. He squints behind his glasses. I can see the crinkles going from the glasses to his hairline.

“You are so young
kotyonok
.
” He says.

“What did you want to ask of me?” I ask.

“Two things.
You need to get on the pill or some kind of birth control. Condoms are impossible. I hate them. I want to take you whenever I want you, as often as I want you, without planning ahead.” He says.

“Yes.
That I can do tomorrow.”
I assure him.

“I think you should do a full body wax. You are trimmed neatly and your natural fairness lends itself to very little hair everywhere else, but I want you smooth for me.”

He says this so clinical and I refuse to meet his eyes. The very thought is embarrassing. I think so many things all at once. Am I being compared to all of the other women he has been with? Is this the beginning of him trying to transform me into the type of woman he likes? Or is it simpler than all that? Like just a personal preference thing? Like romaine instead of iceberg?
A matter of taste?
My insecurities are in full swing now.

“You are a beautiful piece of art baby. I know waxing will only enhance your perfection. Besides I will love fucking your smooth pussy.”

“Ok.” I still can’t meet his eyes.

“Don’t be self-conscious or insecure baby. No one holds a candle to you. You’re perfect like you are. As always I want more. You know how I am.
Always more.”
He says and slides into the water with me.

“Wrap your legs around me and let me hold you before you drown.” He says rising up from under the water and pushing his hair straight back. I do as he asks and lean in for a kiss.

“I can set up your appointments and even send someone to go along with you or go with you myself if you like.”

“No thanks. I prefer to go alone.” I say.

“I will of course pay for everything. It is my responsibility. You are my responsibility now.”

I just want to quit discussing it. “I am fine I can handle this just fine on my own. I don’t want to be anyone’s responsibility.”

“You misunderstand me. I want to be responsible for you. It’s all part of making you completely mine

Lyubov
Moya
.” He says and we go under the water together.

We spend about an hour playing in the water and enjoying what’s left of the afternoon. Nikolai polishes off at least two sandwiches and various other food items being delivered by Yelena. I refuse food and am happy to read and sunbathe and nap off and on. Nikolai works on his laptop in between feasting. He can never just chill out like I can. Maybe that is what keeps him in such great shape even though he eats like a horse all of the time.

“I hope you are okay with staying home this evening. Yelena and Yuri have worked hard today making a nice supper for us.” He says studying me closely.

“That is perfect. I like to stay in.” I answer without putting my reading down.

“You are very easy to be with Lauren.
Very relaxing.
I like it.” He says.

“I like being with you too.”

I continue reading but can feel his eyes on me. I know he is studying me for some reason.

“Do you want to be a mother someday?”

“Yes.
Someday.
I am still young to start having those thoughts right now.”

“I’m forty soon. I don’t have the luxury of waiting too many more years.”

Putting the reader down I give him my full attention now.

“Nikolai.
Are you asking me to have your children?”

“Someday.
I never thought I wanted a kid before you. When I look at you sometimes I see you heavy with my child in your belly. When I’m fucking you, I want to plant my seed in your womb. I never had those thoughts before.
Ever.”
He says and I am moved by his words.

My tough guy gangster says the most flowery romantic words. I don’t think he has any idea what his words do to me.

So we are together. This is real now. I don’t want to think beyond today. I don’t want to worry about Anatoly
Petrov
or my Father when he finds out. Especially if he finds out Nikolai was the one that took me that night. This is enough for now. I am happy.

And then Nikolai’s phone begins the familiar ring. He doesn’t hit ignore. He answers it and stands to walk out of my earshot.

Yuri chooses then to come say hello. He has been busy around here all day but this the first time I have seen him. He is smiling and bowing and calling me Miss. When I ask what he has been doing all day he says cleaning the house and taking all of the trash away. What trash I wonder.

“We have curbside collection on Monday and Thursday. Martha can do that.” I tell him.
Confused by the entire project.

“Oh no Miss.
The Boss wants all the trash taken away from here. It is all in the back of my truck.” He explains. I should have expected no less from paranoid Nikolai. No DNA left behind.
Our poor imaginary children.
It’s a long way off but he needs that time to work out some of his crazy.

I am surprised at how happy I am to see Yuri and Yelena again. It feels like they are the true family of Nikolai. Not those other monsters he calls the family. Speaking of which, Nikolai returns to the table where he sat all day and retrieves a cigarette and lights it while continuing to speak on the phone in Russian. He looks angry at whatever is being discussed and his words seem very menacing.