Deserving of His Diamonds (17 page)

having an intimate argument with a partner—private moments made public

for cash. Not that Gisele thought of herself as a celebrity in any shape or

form, but re-establishing her connection to Emilio made her an instant target.

Was

this how life was going to be for the next month? Her still raw, agonising

grief splashed over every paper for others to gawk at? To have her private

pain made so public was devastating. She couldn‘t bear it if her tragic loss

was going to be cheap fodder for the press. Lily‘s short, precious life would

be wrapped around someone‘s fish and chips or vegetable scraps—

discounted as yesterday‘s news. How on earth would she bear it? Emilio‘s

dark gaze went to hers. ‗What on earth‘s the matter?‘ he asked. She opened

and closed her mouth, her lips too dry to make them move. She felt sick. She

was sure she was going to be sick. Her insides were churning with such

anguish and despair she felt as if she was going to drop in a faint. She vainly

tried to keep the paper against her chest but her hands were shaking so much

she could do nothing but watch in sinking heart-stopping dread as Emilio

took it from her. Time seemed to come to a standstill as he unfolded the

newspaper. Even the sound of the paper crackling as he opened it was

magnified a thousand million times. And then she saw as his eyes went to

what was printed there. Every word was carved on Gisele‘s brain like a cruel

tattoo: Andreoni Reconciliation Haunted by Tragic

Death of Love Child.

Gisele saw the flinch of Emilio‘s dark gaze, the camera shutter flick of

shock, surprise and disbelief. Every muscle on his face seemed to freeze for

an infinitesimal moment. There was no movement.

No sound. She couldn‘t even hear him breathing. But then the column of his

throat moved up and down, once, twice.

‗What?‘ His one word was a rasping gasp, a choked,

strangled sound that contained so much agony it resonated in her trembling

body like a loud echo. She could feel his tension. She could feel every tight

band of muscle in his body. His face was ashen. He looked as if he had aged

a decade right before her eyes. She hadn‘t wanted him to find out like this.

She‘d wanted to work up to it, to make sure she had a more secure footing

with him before she told him what she had gone through. She slowly

released the breath she hadn‘t even realised she had been holding. ‗I was

pregnant when I left you two years ago,‘ she said. ‗I didn‘t find out until a

couple of months after I got back to Sydney.‘ His throat moved, rose and fell

again as if he was trying to swallow something that didn‘t quite fit inside his

oesophagus. ‗Pregnant?‘ he said hollowly. ‗Yes …‘ The silence was so

intense she heard him draw in a breath. She even heard the sound of his hand

against his skin as he dragged it downwards over his face, catching on his

stubbly regrowth. His eyes took on a haunted look. ‗You had a baby?‘ Her

throat tightened over the word. ‗Yes …‘

He swallowed again. ‗My baby?‘ For a moment all she could do was just

stare at him as the hurt of his question smashed against her heart like a

knockout punch. Then she took a breath and sent him a look that would have

stripped wallpaper off a wall. ‗How can you ask that?‘ she said. ‗How can

you?‘ His expression contorted with remorse as his hand came back up to

rub over his face. ‗Sorry, I wasn‘t thinking,‘ he said. ‗Of course it was mine.

Forgive me.‘ He dropped his hand back by his side. He looked completely

floored, dumbstruck, shattered. ‗Was it a girl or a boy?‘ ‗A girl,‘ Gisele said,

squeezing back tears. ‗What happened to her?‘ he asked in that same raspy

croak. She let out another painful breath. ‗I found out at sixteen weeks there

was a problem,‘ she said. ‗I was offered a termination. But I wanted to give

her a chance. There was a slim chance she might‘ve made it. I wanted her to

make it. I wanted it more than anything but she didn‘t live past a few hours.

Six hours, twenty-five minutes and fortythree seconds, to be precise. Not

much of a lifespan, is it?‘ Emilio felt as if he had been hit with an anvil that

had come out of nowhere. He had not seen it coming. Nothing could have

prepared him. He stood there in a shell-shocked silence as his thoughts ran

riot, each one pointing a finger of blame at him. Gisele had been pregnant

when he had cast her from his life. He had thrown her out on the streets

while she had been carrying his child.

A child he would never meet. A child he would never touch or hold in his

arms. A child he would never know. What had stolen his child‘s life from

him? What had gone so terribly wrong that she had been advised to

terminate the pregnancy? He thought of his tiny daughter suffering. Had she

felt pain? Distress? His gut twisted with anguish. Why hadn‘t he been told?

‗What was the problem?‘ he asked. ‗What happened to her?‘ ‗She had a

genetic abnormality,‘ she said. ‗Some of her organs hadn‘t developed

properly. There was nothing they could do to fix it.‘ His little daughter had

never stood a chance. Would it have been different if he had been there?

Could he have saved her? He would have shifted heaven and earth to do so.

Frustration and grief besieged him. He felt the weight of it like a straitjacket

made of lead. His emotions— emotions he had never allowed space enough

to breathe —were now gasping for air until his throat felt as if it had been

scraped raw with rusty razor blades. ‗What caused it?‘ he asked hoarsely.

She looked down at her hands. ‗Who knows? The doctors said it was just

one of those things but I‘ve always wondered if it was something I did or

didn‘t do …‘ Emilio felt another smashing blow of guilt assail him. If it

was anyone‘s fault, wasn‘t it his? The stress she had been under would have

been enough to jeopardise the baby‘s development.

His baby.

‗Why didn‘t you tell me you were pregnant?‘ he asked. ‗I could have helped

you. It might have made all the difference. Did you ever consider that? Why

did you keep my own child‘s existence a secret from me? Surely I had the

right to know?‘ She gave him a hardened look. ‗Have you forgotten your

parting words to me?‘ she asked. ‗You said you never wanted to see or hear

from me again. I had no reason to suspect you didn‘t mean it.‘ ‗Did you even

try and contact me?‘ he asked. ‗Did you even give me a chance to do the

right thing by you and the baby?‘ She glared at him, her grey-blue eyes

flashing with accusation. ‗And have you pressure me to get rid of her

because there was something wrong with her?‘ she said. Emilio opened and

closed his mouth, trying to locate his voice. His chest felt as if someone had

landed a heavy blow to it, knocking the air right out of his lungs. How could

she think so lowly of him? Didn‘t she know anything about him? ‗Did you

really think I would‘ve asked you to do that?‘ he finally said. ‗I wasn‘t

prepared to risk it,‘ she said. ‗You strive for perfection in everything you do.

I wasn‘t sure how you would handle the news of a baby that wasn‘t perfect

in every way, especially since our relationship had ended so bitterly. I

thought you‘d be better off not knowing. I thought you wouldn‘t want to

know.‘

Emilio kept looking at her in bewildered dismay. Did she know him so little

that she thought he would not want to give his child every possible chance at

life? He would have done anything—anything and everything within his

power. ‗What sort of man do you think I am?‘ he asked. ‗Do you really think

I would‘ve rejected my own flesh and blood?‘ Like my mother did to me.

The words were like a flashback of horror. He blinked to make it go away. ‗I

would never have done that, Gisele. Never in a million years.‘ She bit down

on her lip and swung away, her arms going around her body protectively. ‗I

had enough trouble dealing with everyone else‘s opinions on what I should

do,‘ she said. ‗I didn‘t think I could cope with your input as well.‘ Emilio

swallowed against a king tide of regret. ‗You should have told me,‘ he said.

‗Damn it, Gisele, do you realise what this is like for me, finding out like this

now, and via the press, for God‘s sake?‘ She swung back to face him, her

expression full of bitterness. ‗So this is all about you, is it, Emilio? What

about me? What about what I suffered? You have no right to tell me how

you feel. As far as I‘m concerned, you brought it on yourself.‘ Emilio felt his

spine tighten with anger. He had never felt so blindingly angry. He was

angrier than when he had thought she had betrayed him two years ago. How

could she be so cold and callous to deny him the knowledge of his own

daughter? ‗You did it deliberately, didn‘t you?‘ he said. ‗You could have

told me but you chose not to because you knew that would hurt me far more

than anything else. It was your chance to punish me for not believing you. It

was a perfect payback. And it worked, goddamn you. You couldn‘t have

thought of a better

revenge.‘ She gave him a defiant look. ‗You always think the worst of me.

It‘s your automatic response, isn‘t it? Blame first, ask questions later.‘ ‗Were

you ever going to tell me?‘ A flicker of guilt came and went in her gaze. ‗I

wasn‘t sure how to bring it up. It‘s not easy talking about it … about her …‘

‗You should‘ve told me the day I came to see you at the shop,‘ he said. ‗I

came all that way to apologise. I did my best to make it up to you. You

should‘ve at least met me halfway.‘ She threw him a withering look. ‗Some

apology that turned out to be,‘ she said. ‗We both know I wouldn‘t be here

now if it hadn‘t been for the money you offered.‘ Emilio ground his teeth

until his jaw ached. He felt blindsided by pain and a sense of loss that was

unlike anything he had felt before. He was unaccustomed to being

bombarded with such deep emotions. Emotions were something other people

felt. He had cauterised his heart a long, long time ago. He wasn‘t supposed

to feel like this. He‘d always made sure he never did. He had never felt so

out of control. How could he ever right the wrongs of the past? Gisele had

lost their baby. She had suffered that loss all by herself. He hadn‘t been there

for her. He hadn‘t protected her or provided for her. He could see now how a

simple sorry and let‘s try again wasn‘t going to cut it. Nothing could make

up for that loss. There was nothing he could do to bring their child back. A

chasm of pain and bitterness divided him from Gisele now. Was there any

bridge that could span that canyon of bitterness? Was there any amount of

money or machinations on his part that could fix things? The powerlessness

he felt was like being thrown back on the streets all over again. ‗I‘m sorry,‘

he said, but his voice sounded nothing like his own. It was hollow and

empty, lifeless, soulless.

Dead.

A long pain-ridden silence passed. ‗I have some photos,‘ Gisele said quietly.

Emilio blinked himself back to the moment. ‗Of the baby?‘ ‗I brought them

with me …‘ She lowered her gaze from his. ‗I have her blanket too. She

spent her short life wrapped in it. I would have buried her in it but I didn‘t

want to part with it.‘ A spasm of pain gripped Emilio‘s chest again. ‗You

have it with you?‘ he asked. She gave him a defiant look. ‗I suppose you‘ll

think it‘s weird or sick or pathetic of me, but I‘ve never felt ready to let that final link with her go.‘ Her eyes suddenly filled with tears. ‗Do you know

what it feels like when people ask you if you have kids? What am I supposed

to say? I had one but I lost her?‘ She choked back a sob. ‗I don‘t even know

if I‘m supposed to call myself a mother or not …‘ Emilio reached for her

and enfolded her in his arms, pulling her stiff little body close, resting his

chin on the top of her head as he rocked her gently in his arms as she quietly

sobbed. He couldn‘t speak for the roadblock of emotion in his chest. He

thought of her holding on to her baby as long as she could. How had she

endured such heartbreak? Who had supported her? How could she

have juggled the demands of running a small business with the tragedy of

carrying a child that had never been given a guarantee of making it? And

how cruelly ironic to have been surrounded by constant reminders of what

she had lost?

Baby wear.

His stomach plummeted as he thought of all those tiny outfits, all those little

vests and booties and bonnets and christening gowns. Could she have chosen

a harder way to navigate her way through her loss? Seeing other mothers day

after day with their babies. Helping those mothers choose outfits for their

little ones. How on earth had she done it? No wonder she hated him. No

wonder she had asked for more money. ‗No, I don‘t think it‘s weird or sick

or pathetic,‘ he said. She leaned back to look up at him with reddened eyes.

‗You … you don‘t?‘ He shook his head, feeling humbled by all she had

suffered. His anger seemed so pointless and inappropriate now. Hadn‘t she

suffered enough without making her feel guilty for not contacting him?

Besides, there was every chance he might have blocked her attempts to

speak to him. His stubbornness had helped him in his business life but he