Desire (31 page)

“Why did you yell at her?”

“It wasn’t
at
her, really. I was just frustrated with the situation in general. I have anger issues myself,” I explain.

“That you work out on women’s bodies?”

“No, that’s not how it works. I’m very controlled, always have been. I’ve never done it out of anger. That’s why everyone wants me. I was the purest trainer around. I can do, well, I used to be able to do the most sadistic fucked up stuff you can think of, but it’s not my thing, so they never had to worry about me deviating from the program.”

“That is
so sick.”

“I know
.”

“How could you even do it if you hated it so fucking much?”

“I didn’t say I hated it, I said it wasn’t my thing. But yeah, I really fucking hated some of it. A well-managed addiction to benzos helped quite a bit. But I… just can. I sort of shut down and I don’t feel anything, it’s almost like I’m watching instead of doing. And most of the girls liked it. They aren’t happy if you don’t go far enough, they get bored easily. I never thought about the reasons they were like that at first, I didn’t know anything else. That’s the only way I’ve ever had sex, until Maya.” I can see Piper staring at me from the corner of my eye, but she doesn’t say anything for a long time and I can’t bear to look at the hatred that’s probably on her face, the contempt I deserve. “If there’s a Hell, I am on the fast track. I know you hate me but—”

“I don’t hate you.” Her voice is soft and when I finally glance over at her, all I see is pity.

“Well you should.”

“You really didn’t hurt her, did you?”

“I couldn’t do it. I spanked her. Hard. At first she didn’t like it, then she
really
did. But I never pushed her around or slapped her anywhere else. It was extremely difficult to order her around for the domestic shit. I couldn’t call her a slut like he wanted me to, either,” I say. Piper’s skeptical eyes widen. “I couldn’t ignore her safewords, which she only used occasionally, and not because it was painful.”

“S
o why?”

“S
he gets scared sometimes, she panics. We’ll never play with blindfolds, she has to be able to see. Tying her hands doesn’t work very well either, but she’ll do it if I want to tease her, as long as she can get out on her own.”

“Okay,
I get the picture. She probably doesn’t want you to tell me this stuff.”

“
Well, she doesn’t want me to tell you this either, but I’m going to. Luke rapes her. Frequently. It started a long time ago.”

Piper’s face contorts and she looks away. For a second she looks like she’s going to hit something. I brace myself in case it’s me, but then she sinks her head into her hands, her fingers wrapping into her hair so tightly it has to hurt.
Maya keeps saying that we have a lot in common and she’s right. I’ve made this strange sound that Piper’s making now, half a growl, half a sob that gets muffled by her knees as she pulls herself into a ball. And I know that she doesn’t want me to lay a reassuring hand on her shoulder like most people would, she just wants to be left alone. So that’s what I do. After a minute or two, she pulls herself together and her face is hard as stone when she looks up.

“I really didn’t think it was this bad. Maya swore he didn’t do that, she said it was 100% consensual.”

“She honestly doesn’t seem to understand that’s what he does. I don’t know if that’s some kind of coping mechanism or what. She doesn’t think it counts because she just goes with it.” I won’t tell her the rest, it really doesn’t matter anyway. Piper is fuming. “I don’t. Never. It’s almost vanilla, an extremely rough flavor of vanilla, sometimes with a lot of toppings and mix ins, but I do not get off on hurting her like he does, I fucking swear.” She nods, rubbing her neck. “I’m possessive, yeah, but the only time I tell her what to do is when we fuck. And she is into that, it’s not just for me.”

“I believe you there,” Piper snorts, shaking her head. “She’s made it crystal clear how kinky she is.”

“It’s just a game, it’s not us. I don’t ask her to skip school, or tell her what to wear, what to do, any of that shit.”

Piper star
es at me, her eyes so intense I nearly squirm. I think she believes me, just barely, but she’s still not satisfied. “Are you fucking that woman you live with?”

“No, I’m not. I
wouldn’t want to even if I wasn’t with Maya. I fucking swear on my life.”

“So it really is just some big master plan to keep her safe from Luke?”

“I am going to destroy that piece of shit if it’s the last thing I fucking do,” I snarl. Her mouth twists into a dark smile. “If Maya hadn’t specifically asked me not to kill him, I would have done it with my bare hands already. I still might. She’ll probably forgive me.”

“Yeah, she probably will.”

“So are we cool?”

“Actually, I think we are,” she replies, yawning and leaning her head back. I feel like we should shake hands or something, but instead I start the car. “But I still expect you to keep the house stocked with food.”

“Okay,” I laugh. “I can do that.”

I
sneak a look at my phone to see no less than twenty texts from Jace wanting to know where we are. He can squirm a little longer. When we get back to Maya’s place, my traitorous best friend is sitting in front of the door with his phone in his hand. It’s a good thing mine was set to vibrate.

He does a pretty good job glancing at me instead of glaring. It’s hard enough to act like we’re strangers when we aren’t itching to kick each other’s ass. Luckily Piper is too busy ignoring him as she slides her keys in the door

“Do you want this guy here?” I ask her, shooting him a look. I can’t fucking believe he’s doing this to her. Too bad I can’t stop it because I need him.

“Y
eah, I guess he can come in if he’s going to sleep in the hallway,” she replies, rolling her eyes at him.

“Actually,
it’s a little crowded in there,” Jace says. “How about you crash at my place tonight. We need to talk.”

Piper shakes her head. “You are unbelievable. I am
so
not in the mood right now.”

“I said
talk
.” His eyes flick to mine. “In the morning.”

“
Fine
.” Piper lets out an exasperated sigh, shaking her head. “But you’re on the couch. It would be nice to sleep in for a change and not listen to Maya screaming in multiorgasmic bliss at dawn.”

“Sorry about that,” I laugh.

“See you later, Isaac.”

Jace’s brow furrows in confusion.
Yeah, we get along now, asshole.
Who knows how long it will last. He wraps his arm around her waist but she shrugs him off. Maybe he isn’t being a total prick.

Crawling into bed next to Maya is extra satisfying when I’m this tired. She’s on her belly, she hasn’t even moved since I left her.
I left the door cracked and AJ takes advantage, yowling as she announces her arrival and purring loudly while she crawls between us. When I reach forward to pet her, she flops against Maya’s face and stares at me. This fucking cat, I swear.

36

Jace

“Did he do anything to you?”

“Huh?” Piper replies, yawning as she leans against the wall and slowly crawls up the stairs.

“Your room
mate’s boyfriend. I thought you said he was an asshole.” It will take an hour to get to my apartment if she doesn’t let me help her walk.

“Stop it, I can do it myself,” she hisses, slapping my hand away. “No, he didn’t
doooo
anything to me and I think
you’re
an asshole, too.”

“Good. Then you won’t be surprised by this.”

“Jace!” she squeals as I pick her up. I try to carry her nicely but she struggles, so I throw her over my shoulder. “If you slap my ass, I’m going home.”

Locking my forearm behind her knees,
I turn my face and kiss her thigh instead. She laughs and smacks
my
ass. “You’re such a naughty, sexy little hypocrite.”

“I know.”

“At least you’re an honest hypocrite,” I laugh, fumbling with my keys as she slides her hands under my shirt to tickle the small of my back. “I’m going to fucking drop you Piper! Cut it out.”

“You’re really ticklish, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I am.” Once inside, I start to carry her toward my bedroom.

“Put me down.
Now
,” she demands, her tone so suddenly fearful that it stops me in my tracks. Slowly, I bend forward until her feet are on the ground. When I stand upright, she’s faltering, but she won’t let me steady her. “I’ve changed my mind. I want to go home.”

“I was
n’t going to do anything to you. I was just putting you in the bed.”

“Alone?”

“Of course,” I murmur. Blinking, she takes a step backwards, her eyes darting around my apartment. “Piper, are you okay? Did he say something to you?”

“
Yeah, he did,” she whispers.

“What?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Her lips roll together and she wraps her arms around herself. “Sorry, I’m just really fucking out of it right now. Will you help me get downstairs?”

“You can sleep here, I
won’t hurt you.”

“Why do you want me here so much?” she asks, taking another step away from me and narrowing her eyes.
What the hell did you say to her, Isaac?

“I don’t know… you don’t like to be there when he is so I thought you’d like a safe place to sleep. And I felt like shit flirting with that chick in front of you to piss you off.”

“Yeah, that was pretty mean considering ten minutes before you fed me a bunch of bullshit about how you can’t ‘
socialize’
while you’re working,” she snaps. “Why are you always messing with my head?”

“Because I’m an asshole
, remember?”

“Whatever,” she
huffs, shaking her head. I have never wanted to kiss a girl this bad in my life. “I’m fucking exhausted and you owe me one for hurting my feelings, so I’m borrowing one of your t-shirts and I’m sleeping in your bed.
Alone
.”

“Piper, I didn’t mean to—”

“Yes, you did,” she interrupts me. “And that just means you like me.”

Sticking her tongue out, she winks at me and closes my bedroom door before I can tell her
that she’s right. I guess I really am sleeping on the couch tonight. Somehow I didn’t think it would actually go down that way.

A few hours later, I wake up when she stumbles into the bathroom
and starts puking her guts out. At first it seems like a normal reaction to drinking like a sailor all night, but then she starts crying. Okay, he definitely said something that upset her and I’m going to fucking kill him. Piper stays in there for way too long.

“Are you okay?” I say softly, rapping my knuckles on the door.

“Yes,” she replies unconvincingly. I decide to give her a few more minutes before I barge in, lingering by the door and listening. “I’m taking a shower now.”

Make yourself at home.
At least she’s quick about it. When she opens the door, she’s wrapped in a towel looking hot as all hell, but her expression is far too shell shocked for me to enjoy it.

“Piper…” There is really no point asking if she’s alright. “Are you staying
awake?”

“Yeah, you can have your bed back. Can I borrow some more clothes though? I don’t want to put that dirty dress back on.”

“Sure. I’ll stay up with you. Hungry?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“I have leftover pizza.”

“From where?”

“Luciano’s.”

“Okay, maybe,”
she calls out from my bedroom.

I’ve
fantasized about seeing Piper in one of my t-shirts for a while. Unfortunately, she wasn’t also wearing my sweat pants and socks, and she was flashing me a come-hither smile instead of looking like she’s just seen a ghost. I can’t take this anymore.

Her chin drops as I move towards her and she jerks when my hands land on her shoulders. Despite my better judgment and her unreceptive posture, I pull her into my chest. She’s stiff for a moment, then the tension leave
s her shoulders and she sinks into me, breathing deeply. I did this to comfort her, I didn’t expect it to have the same effect on me. Her arms wrap around my waist and for moment I get a flash of what it could be like.

“Piper, what happened?” I whisper.

“Nothing,” she croaks, tensing up.

“You can tell me.”

With a sigh, she squirms away and I force myself to resist keeping her in my arms. “And why should I tell you, Jace? So you can have another piece of information that you can use to fuck with my head?”

“I thought we were friends.”

“Friends stay in the friend zone. They don’t constantly flirt with you, then refuse to make eye contact in the hallway. They don’t ask you to meet them somewhere for dinner and cancel at the last second with some ridiculous excuse. They don’t blow you off and start making out with another chick in front of your face, then get pissed off when you do the same thing.”

“I didn’t make out with her.”

“Yes, you did!” she snaps. “Right?” I shake my head no. “Okay, maybe last night is a little fuzzy.”

“It’s
still
last night, Piper. You slept for like three hours.”

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I’m fucking sick of your shit. You talk about chicks playing games, but that is all you’ve been doing to me. Who’s the hypocrite here?”
Me.
“I can’t figure you out and I’m done trying, so I’m putting you in the occasionally-friendly-neighbor-zone. I’ll get your t-shirts back to you when I get a chance to do laundry,” she says, walking into my room to get her stuff. “Since you literally have 500 of them, I’m not going to rush.”

“Please don’t leave yet,” I beg, following her to the door. “
Please
.”

When she turns to tell me to fuck right off, I kiss her.
Wrapping her fingers into my hair, she kisses me back and it’s a fireworks explosion for a few seconds until she pushes me off, glaring at me. “Fuck. You.”

“I don’t want to be in the occasionally-friendly-neighbor-zone and I’m really sorry I’ve been such a dick.”

“Well, let me know when you figure out what you do want because I—”

“You,” I blurt out. “I want you. But I don’t want to be in the friends-with-benefits zone either and that’s all you’re looking for right now, so I guess I’m shit outta luck.” I relax a little when she takes her hand off the doorknob. I can’t believe how much I want her to stay.

“What makes you think that’s all I’m looking for?”

Shit.
She has never actually said that to me, but I’ve heard her say it at least a dozen times to Maya. How the hell do I explain this one? “That’s what you said.”

“When?”

“One night when you came up here all pissed off about Maya’s boyfriend,” I lie automatically.

“I did?”

“Yes.” Wow. So I’m that guy now, the one that plays mind games to manipulate a girl into feeling like something’s her fault when it’s his. “A few months ago I would have been fine with it, but that’s not what I want anymore,” I confess. She looks so confused. “And even if it was, I wouldn’t want it with you. I can’t have casual sex when I’m already… attached.” At least that part’s kind of true.

“Oh,” she whispers, her eyebrows
still pinching together. “I don’t remember that, sorry.” But it is what she wants, so she’s doubting her recollection. “I say a lot of nasty stuff that I don’t mean when I get angry.”

“It wasn’t nasty.
I get it. It’s your last year in college and you want to fuck around, you don’t want anything serious,” I reassure her. Too bad I can’t tell her that she’s basically made me reconsider every damn thing I was so sure about concerning women and sex. “That’s fine, but I don’t feel like getting my heart ripped out again, so I’ve been trying to keep my distance. But it’s really fucking hard because I’ve never clicked like this with someone before and being around you is such a tease.”

Her eyes are
absolutely beautiful when she starts to let her guard down. “When did you get your heart ripped out?” she asks.

I guess I could make up for being a lying asshole by open
ing up for all those stupid emotional questions girls ask. “About a year ago when I came back from Afghanistan. Someone was supposed to be waiting for me. Turns out she wasn’t.”

“You were in Afghanistan?”

“Yeah. Army. Two years.”

“Thank you for your service, Jace.”

I nod, never feeling quite so undeserving of the gratitude. “So you’re a
patriotic
bad ass stoner chick?” I say, trying to lift the mood.

“You could say that, yeah.” Could she be any more perfect?

“With awesome tattoos.” Resisting the urge to run my fingers over her soft, colorful skin, I step forward and glance down at a vintage looking portrait of the robed woman on her arm. “Is that Columbia?”

“Yeah, she is. Most people don’t know that.”

“Most people aren’t me.” I take a step closer. If I don’t kiss her right now, my head will explode. But she recoils, moving towards the door.

“Well, I’m sorry
if you felt like I was treating you like a piece of meat. I didn’t realize you thought I’d slammed that door in your face,” she blames herself. I am such a prick.

“So… does that mean you didn’t slam that door?” I ask, laughing inwardly at myself because even though I’m being a lying bastard right now, it’
s all sort of true. I couldn’t do casual with her if I tried, there’s just no way.

“I didn’t, but I think I am now,” she answers and
it feels like my heart stops beating completely. “I’m taking a break from boys altogether after almost making a huge fucking mistake last night. I need to get my shit together.”

“That was my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t.” She looks away from me, but I lift her chin, and I think we’re both surprised that she doesn’t get mad. “Okay, maybe a little bit, because I was drinking a lot more than usual to piss you off. But that’s still on me.”

“So let’s just pretend last night didn’t happen.”

Her eyes grow wider and she spins around, dropping her face into her hands. “Yeah… I can’t really do that. Isaac told me some pretty fucked up stuff and my libido is nowhere to be found right now.”
Damn you, Isaac. That better not have been on purpose.
“And it’s not just that, I should have listened to my therapist and done this a while ago. I got my heart ripped out recently, too. Rebounding can be very destructive for me. Once I start, it’s hard to stop. I’ll let you know when I get my head together.”

“Wait.” I’m already being a total son of a bitch, I may as well block the door. “I don’t give a fuck about your libido.” She blinks at me in disbelief and give
s me one of her trademark dirty looks. “That came out so wrong,” I explain, cringing. “I meant we can take it slow. We don’t need to have sex for a while. I don’t care how long.”

“Oh,
” she chuckles. “I don’t know… it seems a little weird.”

“Have you ever done that before?”

“What, dated someone and
not
had sex with them? No. If he thinks I’m a slut because I screw him right away, I don’t fucking want him.”

Of course you don’t. Because you’re fucking awesome and you
make me feel incredibly guilty about my shitty double standards.
“Well, I guess no one’s called me a slut, but I’ve never done anything like that either. I’d like to try it.”

“You do?”

“If it will keep you from fucking somebody else when your libido comes back, hell yes.”

“Seriously?” she scoffs. “
That’s
your reason?”

“No,
you
are my reason, but… okay, yeah, it would make me insanely jealous and I might lose my shit.”
Like I did with your booty call, Kevin, whose ass I will kick the moment you call him, which I will know about because I am being paid to spy on you even though I’d gladly do it for free at this point.