Desire (35 page)

41

Isaac

Please text me back, Maya. Now. I know you’re okay but I just need to feel you.
Please
. Goddammit, fuck! Come on. Break the rules. Inhaling, I kiss the screen because it’s the closest I can get and I swear I can smell her. I didn’t know I could smell a memory, she must be rubbing off on me. The phone buzzes against my lips and I feel hers. What am I going to open my eyes to? I’ll take anything. Don’t say something too specific, baby.
Always.
It’s almost like I can hear her saying it and every broken piece inside me starts to tingle and pull together. I have to slip away to see her. Maybe the day after tomorrow. Who am I fucking kidding?

I’m going to break
both the phone and my hand if I keep gripping it this hard. It’s not like it makes a difference because my hands are fucking useless if they can’t touch her and this phone is also fucking useless because I have to ditch it now. I wrap my arms around myself and realize how much she just isn’t here. It’ll be at least another week. I can’t do it.

But I also can’t go back out there to this stupid fucking party
so Glory can think she’s punishing me by ignoring me for that asshole Scott. He’s a shitty dancer too, that’s the most annoying part. I’ve been in this coat closet for way too long. What did Roger say? Take deep breaths and look at your surroundings. Don’t think, just observe. It actually works, well, not on its own, but it does the trick until the sedatives start to kick in. I try to open the door and realize it’s too soon. Breathe.

Why does this coat look so familiar? Don’t look at the tag. Don’t do it. Great.
Rita. Just fucking fantastic. Yeah, I remember what I fucking did to her. I know I can’t keep making this much noise, but that doesn’t stop me from pulling everyone’s perfect fucking coat off these perfect fucking hangers and taking all the tags off and stomping on them. They can get fucked with their perfect lives and their money and their bullshit. I just want to see Maya. Wake up to see her sleepy face and her crazy hair every morning. Make her eggs while she works on that same giant genius math problem that she might be working on for years. The one I won’t even bother asking questions about anymore because I am never going to understand that shit.

I wish I could be here when they see their stupid fucking coats destroyed.
Most of the men dress the same, they’ll wonder whose is whose. It’s so chilly outside tonight. Surely some of them will have their asshole driver bring them another one, but at least a few of them are totally fucked. Maybe I should piss on Rita’s expensive ugly vintage coat like I pissed on her, but that might hurt Maya’s feelings so I won’t. Instead I dump Mitchell’s cologne vial all over because it’s really fucking ironic. Everybody laughs about him fucking her anyway, she may as well smell like it.

That
was a shitty thing to do. Just like this was because the coat guy is probably going to get fired. Shit. Great. I’m sobbing like a little kid in the fucking coat closet and that was definitely the sound of footsteps. I’d know that walk anywhere, I even know what shoes she’s wearing. Perfect. I know Glory’s walk better than I know Maya’s and if she knew that it would hurt her so bad I can’t even think about it.
I want it to be your walk, Rookie. I want it to be your face I see when the door opens.

But it’s fucking Glory
’s. Again. And she is just so fucking smug right now because she thinks she caught me. That twisted smile falls right off her face when her eyes lock with mine. I stop blubbering and start to seethe. I’m starting to hate her even though she really doesn’t deserve it. Glory’s seen me freak out before, but she’s still surprised. And confused. Maya would know exactly what I’m feeling.

“
Isaac…” Crouching down, she reaches out and tries to touch me.

“D
on’t!” I slap her hand away, hard, so she knows better. That stung, but I’ve hit her harder. Only when she wanted me to though. Shit. She tries again and I scamper away, slipping around on these ridiculous fucking coats and accidentally kicking her in the knee. “Fuck!” I swear, but I won’t touch her, not when I’m this pissed off. I can’t bring myself to apologize either.

“
Isaac, stop it,” she whines, using that voice that used to make me do whatever she wanted. “Relax.”

“
Don’t fucking touch me!” I just can’t hurt Maya again right at this moment, I can’t. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know because she does. I can see it all over her face.

“
Okay,” she whimpers.

Fuck you, Gloria, I a
m not going to screw you!
She keeps glancing downward. “No, I’m not fucking hard and if you put your fucking hands on me, I’m really going to lose my shit.”

“
Are you having a panic attack?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Was someone else in here with you just now?”

“Seriously? Seriously! Is that al
l you fucking think about you stupid bitch!” I shrink away. How the hell could I have said that to her?
I’m so sorry, Maya.
Glory scoffs and I get nauseous. She liked that, way too much because she could tell I’m fucking serious. “I can’t fucking believe you right now.” I bring my knees up and cover my face.

“Isaac… I’m sorry.
”

“It’s okay
,” I answer, trying to calm down. “I guess it does sort of look like I just screwed someone in here.”

“No, not for that.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this.” She grabs my arm and I let her because she’s finally being good. And it feels good. My dick’s not hard but I still feel less alone so it’s still sort of cheating. There’s no way around it. “Isaac, are you alright?”

“Do I fucking loo
k alright, Mom?” Shit. “I’m sorry. It just slipped out. Sorry.”

“Damm
it Isaac,” she spits, glaring at me. “What the fuck?”

“
Could you cut me a little slack?
Please
,” I beg, intentionally sounding whiny.

“Isaac!”

I laugh inwardly. I can’t believe I used to like her bratty voice and that look on her face. I’m turning her off, being a normal fucking person instead of bossing her around. She scoffs again and pretends she’s about to run away. “If you think you’ll get your way, you can keep fucking walking and see what happens. Or you can turn around and talk to me without all the bullshit if you are even remotely interested in why I just tore everything apart in here.”

“
I don’t have to even ask. I saw you slip off with her. Obviously you can’t handle having sex with her, either.”

Oh my fucking God
, let it go already!
“Lucy is fucking Rick in the freezer or who knows where right now.”

“Seriously?”
I hate that teenager gossip voice. “So who were you fucking? Jill?”

“I a
m not fucking your friends!” I scream. “I
hate
fucking your friends.”

“Bullshit,
” she shoots back.

“I do. I always fucking have.”

“So it’s Randi then?” she yells as I roll my eyes. “She told me that she slept with you on Thursday, that you fuck her at least once a week.
Her
, Isaac, of all fucking people!”

“
Oh, my God. For the hundredth time, I am not sleeping with Miranda. I
never
fucking have. And I was
home
on Thursday, remember? We tried making a gluten free pizza and it sucked ass.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Why do you let her mess with your head?”

“
Because you’re fucking lying to me. Maybe it wasn’t Thursday, but you’re screwing her. You promised you wouldn’t make me look stupid,” Glory snaps. “That’s all I fucking asked you to do and you can’t even do that. You’re such a nasty fucking whore.”

I shudder in disgust. Maya would never, ever say it. And when she thinks it
, she looks at me with pity. I want to see her face so bad right now, I would do anything.
Anything
. But that’s how fucked I am. There is nothing I can do.

“I cannot stand Miranda,” I say quietly, taking a deep breath.
“He never made me.”

“Made you,” she scoffs.

“Yeah, made me. Like he made me fuck you the first time.”
Now that shut you up. And hurt your feelings.
I betray Maya every time I feel guilty about hurting Glory, but I can’t help it. “I’m sorry, but it’s true. You don’t want me to fucking lie to you anymore? Well there it is.”

“Shut up,
” she whispers, turning away.

I don’t
fucking think so. She’s not going anywhere. I grab her wrists and pull her to face me. “He gave me to you.”

“Stop it.”

“Twice. You took me.”

“Shut the fuck up!”
Glory cries.

“I liked it.
I didn’t want to do it, but that didn’t stop me from liking it.”

“Fuck you! Red!”

“Oh, now you want me to pay attention to your safewords?” I chuckle. She tries to twist away, to flee, but I am an expert at restraining her and pull her closer. “He would have made you do it, but he didn’t have to and you liked it, too. You wanted to do it.
I didn’t
,” I snarl into her ear. “You were seventeen when he popped your cherry, I was only fourteen when you popped mine.”

“
It’s not the same. You’re a guy.”

“
A boy,” I correct her. “It was kind of the same for me. That meant something to me and he gave it to you. He took that too. I’d never had a girl before and that’s not how I wanted it to be. But neither of you fucking cared,” I whisper. “You were so excited because you knew how much it meant to him. And you didn’t even care that…” My voice cracks and her tearful eyes finally meet mine. “That it was
me
. How could you just forget about me like that?”

“I never…
” She slides her free hand across my cheek, but then her face hardens and she disappears. “What do you want me to say? I’m sorry?”

“No. It was worth it. He never let anyone else touch me after t
hat,” I say. Her eyes narrow and she thrashes. I pin her hands against the wall, just how she likes it, but she sure isn’t enjoying it now. “I always got more out of this than you did. Than you do. I got to run away. I knew he was really just throwing us both out like trash and so did you. But I wanted that, you didn’t. It evens out.”

“Fuck you.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t. I want to.” I press my forehead into hers and let her go before she kisses me. “I don’t fuck your friends. I hate their faces. I come to these bullshit parties for you. They all want me. Jill would pay me 100,000 dollars to
breathe
on her clit right now. I would never do it. I will never, ever fucking betray you like that again.”

“Really?”

This is the worst part. I have to smile and it is total bullshit. Gloria doesn’t even see it. She’s flattered and happy and she thinks that I still love her in whatever twisted, fucked up way I ever did. But it was nothing compared to Maya. I am such a great liar, I don’t even have to try.

My shaking
fingers land on the nape of her Glory’s neck reassuringly and she relaxes. Maya doesn’t know it, but sometimes when she cries at night over me, it’s because of this. I am such a worthless piece of shit, but I can’t help it.

It’s not the same,
Rookie. I fucking swear.
Glory doesn’t smile. She won’t lean closer.
She doesn’t feel it like you do because there’s nothing here.
Glory just feels wanted, she feels pretty. She still is. That’s all she fucking cares about. Unfortunately, that’s not really true, I wish it were that simple. She believes me. She feels smart. Superior. She’s all that bullshit, too.

“Please don’t make me
leave,” I plead.

“I won’t.”

“He’ll kill me.”

“
You don’t need to be dramatic. I’ll let you stay.”

“I’m serious.”

“That would never happen.”

“No, Glory… he definitely would now.”
Fuck
.

Eyes widening, she pulls away, wrapping her arms around herself.
“What did you do?”

“I can’t tell you.
”

“
Goddammit, stop saying that, Isaac. What the fuck did you do? If you want my help, you have to fucking tell me.”

“
I can’t.”

“
I am trying so hard to trust you. It doesn’t matter what you did, I will help you. No matter what, and believe me, I mean it. I know what you’re capable of.”

Because you made me capable of doing it.
“Ask me. Ask me the worst thing that you think it could be. I’ll tell you.” Maybe. Don’t be this one question. Anything else.

“
Don’t get pissed at me,” she says warily.

“
I won’t, I promise.”