Destined for the Star (Starstruck) (12 page)

Suddenly he broke away and drew jagged breaths.

”Olivia, I’m losing control here. We have to slow down. I don’t want to rush this.” He caught her face in his hands and kissed the tip of her nose. ”I want the first time we’re together to be perfect, something we can remember for the rest of our lives. ”

”Me too,” she whispered, out of breath.

”Let’s make dinner and eat first,” he said. ”It will be a good exercise in self-control for me,” he grinned and grabbed their bags in one hand and her in the other.
 

She unlocked the door and they went inside. The cabin consisted of one large room with a fireplace to one side and the kitchen in the opposite corner of the room. There was an old leather couch against the wall close to the fire place and no TV, only a book shelf with a selection of novels and some board games. Off to the other wall and beside a row of windows, there was a large oak dining table that seated eight. Framed photos of the surrounding countryside, taken during different seasons by her grandmother, adorned the walls. There were two rather small bedrooms to each side of the hallway and only one bathroom. Suddenly she felt nervous he would find it too rustic, too primitive. She really didn’t know that much about his everyday life, but she suspected it was quite comfortable, since money didn’t seem to be an issue and he had a full-time personal assistant. She glanced up at him. He was looking around.

”This is perfect,” he said. ”It reminds me of my grandpa’s fishing cabin, up at Grand Lake. I loved spending time with him there in the summers.” He smiled down at her and drew her into his side. ”Sometimes he would take only me, not my brothers, and we’d spend the weekend there, fishing early in the mornings. He’d tell stories of when he was a boy. I loved that.”

She smiled back at him and relaxed a little.
 

”So it’s not too simple for you?”

”I’m a farm boy, Olivia. I may not live that life nowadays, but I’ll always feel most at home in the country.” He raised his hand and caressed her face.
 

”You are so beautiful, Olivia, in every way possible. I can’t believe that you chose me. I feel like the luckiest man in the world.”

She reached up and kissed him tenderly on the lips. She ran her fingers through the short hair at the nape of his neck and looked into his eyes. She whispered in Swedish:

”Jag älskar dig.” (I love you.)

”What does that mean, Olivia?” he asked, curiosity burning in his eyes.

She laughed.

”It means, let’s make dinner,” she lied and broke away.

”Is it all right if I take a quick shower first, freshen up a bit?” he asked then.

”Of course,” she said, ”I’ll unpack and take care of the groceries in the meantime.”
 

* * *

When he came out of the bathroom a little while later he was freshly shaven and looked gorgeous, his hair all wet after the shower. She threw herself at him and nuzzled his neck.
 

”God, you smell good enough to eat,” she murmured.

He laughed.

”Good. You can eat me anytime you want,” he winked at her.

She blushed, she couldn’t help it.
 

”Olivia, my love, you’re extra lovely when you blush,” he said and laid his hand on her cheek.

”Oh, Nate, look what I found,” she said and turned away to point to the dining table.

He came with her to take a look.
 

”Grandma sent us a cake,” she exclaimed. ”It was my mother’s favorite cake. Grandma always made it for her birthday. Even after she had moved out, Grandma would make it for her every time she came home to visit.” Tears welled up when she saw her mother’s face in her mind. She had always thought her mother the most beautiful person in the world.

At once his arms were holding her tight against his chest.
 

”You miss her very much, don’t you, love?”

She couldn’t speak, the tears running freely now. She just nodded.

He kissed the top of her head.

”You will never be alone again, Olivia.” He tipped her head up with a finger beneath her chin. ”I will never leave you,” he vowed and looked deep into her eyes.

”Don’t make promises you may not be able to keep,” she whispered.

”The only thing that could cause me to break that promise, is if you ask me to leave, if you one day decide you don’t want me around anymore.” Pain filled his eyes as he spoke.
 

”I will always want you,” she said fiercely.

”That’s settled then. You’re mine, Olivia, I will never let you go.” He leaned down and kissed her thoroughly.
 

Her knees suddenly gave in, but his strong arms caught her.
 

”Baby, are you okay?”

”Yes, yes, I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened,” she said, embarrassed.

”We should get some food into you. I shouldn’t let myself get so distracted, like a smitten schoolboy,” he chided himself.
 

He put her down in front of the fire her grandpa must have lit. It was still burning softly. Then he went straight to the kitchen and started making some noise.

She loved sitting there, watching him make a mess of the kitchen, but she felt a little guilty. After a while she called out to him.

”You want some help with that?”

”Nope,” he called back, ”I got it.” He turned around and flashed one of his million dollar smiles at her. ”I hope you like pasta, ’cause that’s about the only thing I know how to make.”

”I love pasta.”

”Great!” He seemed pleased and started whistling to himself.
 

He sounded happy and a tender warmth filled her. He was happy here with her.

She drank in the full glory of him in the kitchen. He had the sleeves of his black cashmere sweater pushed up and his ass looked amazing in a pair of beige combat-style trousers. She could see the ripple of muscles in his forearms as he diced the ingredients for the sauce.

She finally got up and set the table. She brought out candles and lit them. Then she put some more logs on the fire to keep it going.
 

Whatever it was he was making, it smelled delicious. Her curiosity got the best of her and she snuck up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist.
 

”That smells heavenly,” she stated. ”What is it?”

”Spaghetti Carbonara.” He pulled her into his side and nuzzled her hair with a contented sigh.
 

”I love Carbonara,” she beamed up at him.
 

* * *

”This is the best Carbonara I’ve ever had,” she said a little while later, half-way through their meal.

”Really?” he asked, puffing up with pride.

”Yes, really. Don’t get a swelled head,” she teased. ”We have a saying here in Sweden, ’Even a blind hen can find a seed’.”

”Hmph. Are you implying I’m a one-trick pony, Miss Berg?” He shot her a stern glance.

”Well, I don’t know that yet, Mr Montgomery. I haven’t tried you out in the bedroom yet, have I?” She grinned at him, enjoying herself immensely.

He put down his fork.

”That’s it,” he murmured threateningly. Then he got up and came around the table and lifted her up into his arms.

”What are you doing?” she gasped.
 

”I’m making you sing for your supper,” he growled down at her, a mischievous look on his face.
 

He went into the master bedroom and grabbed the thick duvet from the bed. Then he carried it and her as if she was as light as feathers back into the main room. He lowered her onto the duvet, in front of the fire. His mouth found hers before she was fully settled. She tumbled backwards and drew him down with her. He supported his weight on his arms, so as not to crush her. She threw her legs around his waist and pressed herself against his erection.
 

He moaned and kissed her with an ancient, pent-up hunger, as if he’d wandered through eons of time to find her.
 

”Olivia, my love,” he murmured against her lips, ”I’ll never understand what I did to deserve you.”

She yearned for the feel of his naked skin against hers. She wanted to see him in all his glory. She started pulling at his shirt. He swiftly pulled it off for her and she marveled at the chiseled, male perfection of his torso. He looked like a model.

She looked at him with awe. What could he possibly see in her? Suddenly she was overwhelmed with insecurities. She pulled away and sat up.
 

”What’s wrong, sweetheart?” he asked, clearly confused.
 

She felt tears fill her eyes. She couldn’t stay here. She had to get out, think, get some air.

”I need to get some air,” she muttered, too upset with herself to bear looking him in the eyes. She hurried to her feet and stumbled blindly towards the door.

”Olivia, wait, I’ll come too,” he called out.
 

”No, don’t!” she begged him. ”I need to be alone. Please.” She shot him a pleading look, before grabbing her shoes and jacket and rushing out the door. She stumbled across the yard, lit only by the soft porch light, and into the deep shadows under the pine trees.
 

She couldn’t get the shocked and hurt expression on his face out of her head. It was burned into her memory.

”Oh, God,” she groaned. ”I’ve ruined everything. What’s wrong with me?”

She knew exactly what was wrong with her, of course. She was scared to death, and she had chickened out. She was terrified of letting him close, of true intimacy, of giving in to the love she felt for him, and of letting go completely of the control she strived to have in her everyday life. She was being a coward because she was terrified of being this vulnerable to him, of putting her whole being into his hands and risk losing everything if he one day walked away. And she was scared stiff of him not liking her, of losing him, because she was no good in bed. She envisioned the parade of perfect beauties he must have been with in the past; women so sophisticated and sexy, she was nothing or less than nothing, in comparison. He must be used to getting some really good sex, she thought.
 

”Oh, God,” she groaned again. ”I’m in love with him, I can’t stand to think about this.” The idea of being nothing more than a notch in his bedpost raked her insides with pain. She wanted him more than she’d ever wanted anyone or anything. She was already madly in love with him. And it made the stakes so high for her. She was taking a huge risk by trusting in him, in the feelings he said he had for her. But wasn’t he worth the risk? If she chickened out now, she knew she would regret it for the rest of her life. Falling in love with someone is never taking the safe route, but she was tired of hiding and playing it safe.
 

She remembered something her mom once told her, when Olivia asked her why she stayed with the boy’s father, George, even though he hurt her so badly.

”Olivia, who can explain love?” she’d answered. ”If you’re lucky enough to find love, then take the leap. There is nothing more frightening than loving someone, but if you turn your back on love, then what else is there? George is the love of my life. And I still see in him the man I fell in love with - he’s still there, underneath it all. I may find the strength to walk away from him one day, but I’ll never regret loving him. Ever. No matter what happens. He gave me the twins. And in the beginning - before he lost himself to the madness - I was happier than I’ve been in my life. I will always be grateful that I was brave enough to embrace that love, when it found me.”

Chapter 10

With her mother’s words still echoing through her mind, Olivia stood up and started moving back to the house. She had never felt fear like this before, but she would take the leap.
 

She caught a glimpse of him through the window by the front door. He looked crushed, miserable, his head in his hands, staring down at the floor. He hadn’t even put his shirt back on. Her heart contracted with pain and tenderness at the sight.
 

She flung the door open and started running towards him across the floor, shedding her shoes and jacket along the way. He looked up, startled. She fell to her knees and flung her arms around him.
 

”Nate, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry. I was being a coward and stupid.”

”What are you afraid of, sweetheart?” he asked, taking her face in his hands, looking into her eyes as if he could read her soul.

”I started thinking about the past; about the women you must have been with before and how I can never measure up. But I realized it doesn’t matter, if you want me then I’m not going to second-guess that. I’m just going to stay in the moment and be happy. I’m not going to waste any more of our time together fretting over my inadequacies, or fearing the future.”

”Olivia,” he whispered, his eyes blank with tears, ”haven’t you listened to a word I’ve said? There’s no competition, there never was. You hold my heart, my whole being in your hands, you have since the moment I met you. No one else even exists for me anymore. I see only you. If you don’t want to be with me physically, wait, hear me out,” he said, placing a finger on her lips, ”or if you’re not ready yet, if we’re moving too fast, that’s okay with me. I want to make you mine in every way possible, but I can wait for you. Forever if you need me to. As long as I get to be with you, that’s all I’m asking for. I won’t take anything from you that you’re not willing to give.”

Tears spilled down her cheeks.

”Don’t cry, baby,” he said, but tears fell down his face too. She reached up and started kissing them away.
 

”I do want you, more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my whole life,” she reassured him. ”I’m sorry I let my fears get the best of me and ruined everything. I’m so sorry.”

”I’m scared too, Olivia. It’s only natural. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and it makes me feel so vulnerable. It scares the shit out of me. But I’m willing to risk everything, because I can’t live with the alternative.”
 

”If I disappoint you when we make love,” she blushed as she rushed to say this, but she had to get it out, ”then will you please let me try to do better and not give up on me?”