Destined for the Star (Starstruck) (23 page)

Sasha eyed him for a moment.

”I know,” she finally conceded, ”I saw the press conference this morning. Pretty impressive shit you pulled there. I’ve never seen such a big star be that honest about his personal life before. I wonder what it will cost you?” she mused. ”Are you sure she’s worth it?” she asked, measuring him with her eyes.
 

”She’s worth all that and much, much more - no price is too high,” he declared without hesitation. ”But you already know that, ’cause you love her too and you know how special she is. There is no one else for me and I’ll spend the rest of my life earning her trust back, if I have to.”

Sasha broke into a grin.
 

”Good. That’s all I need to hear.”

”So, can I talk to her? I’m going crazy here, Sasha,” he pleaded.

”She’s not here, Nate. She took the day off.”

He felt despair settle upon him like a leaden yoke.
 

”She refuses to take my calls, and she wasn’t at home. I guess I’ll just have to go sit outside her door and wait until she comes home,” he said and turned to leave.
 

”I can do better than that, dude,” Sasha stated, enjoying herself immensely, it seemed.
 

He spun around and grabbed her.

”Do you know where she is? Tell me if you do, please Sasha,” he begged.

”She’s hurting badly right now, thanks to your screw-up, and if she’s not at home, there’s only one other place I can think of where she’d be.”

”Where, Sasha, where?”

”Her mother’s grave, where else?” Sasha said calmly.

”Where is that?”

”It’s north of the city, takes maybe twenty minutes to drive there. Thirty if you keep the speed limits,” she smiled. ”I’ll write down the address for you.”

”Thank you, Sasha, thank you,” he said, relief flooding his entire being.
 

She handed him the note with the address on it and he took it and bent down to press a kiss on her cheek. Sasha blushed slightly.

”Just go get her, man, no need to go all emotional on me,” she muttered.
 

He grinned at her and turned to rush out when he suddenly froze in his tracks.
 

”Oh, hell no! They found me,” he groaned.

He spun around to Sasha once again.

”Quick, is there another way out of here?”

Sasha leaned sideways and peered past his shoulder out into the street and saw the paparazzi with their cameras coming towards the door.
 

”Through the kitchen and to the left, but you won’t get far by foot. Here, take Rashid’s car, he won’t mind.” She grabbed a set of keys from her pocket and threw them to him as he headed for the kitchen. ”There’s a GPS in the car. Just punch in the address and you’ll be fine.”

”Thanks, Sasha. I owe you big,” he called to her.
 

”Just make her happy and you won’t owe me anything,” she called back. ”I’ll take care of the paparazzi for you,” she added as she set her sights on the front door.

Chapter 17

Olivia shivered in the harsh November winds. She was kneeling in front of the headstone. The grief she felt scared her. It was as if someone she loved had died. How could she feel this much for someone she’d only known a month?

In a way she guessed he had died. Her Nate was no more. He had never really existed at all. Their time together had only been a romantic tableau, an illusion with no roots in reality. She’d been so naïve to believe someone like him could really fall for her. Sasha had been right. And hadn’t she felt all along that he was too good to be true? She really only had herself to blame for the pain that twisted her insides now. But oh, how she missed him. She ached for him. She felt utterly lost without him, just an empty shell going through the motions. How was she supposed to get used to life without him again now that she had had a taste of paradise and lost it?

She hadn’t been able to sleep at all last night. She’d lain curled up in a fetal position most of the night. At one point she’d gotten up and undressed, only to put on one of his t-shirts. Just like a junkie looking for a fix, she had thought with contempt. His smell raked her battered heart raw but she couldn’t help herself. She hugged the rest of his t-shirts to her all night, burying her face in them.
 

The images in her mind, of Nate and Julia, gave way to even more painful visions of the future she would never have now. Of Nate and the children she’d dreamt of giving him. Of all the mornings she would have woken up next to him; of all the nights she would have spent in his arms… Of growing old with him, and all the Christmases and birthdays they would have shared in years to come, if it hadn’t all been a lie. She mourned that future that had died, when her Nate was ripped from her and disappeared like the morning mists.

When morning came at last, she got up and went through the motions of getting ready for a new day: showering, making breakfast and making sure the twins left for school on time.
 

And then, when she was finally alone in the apartment, she couldn’t resist turning on her cell phone, although she had promised herself to keep it turned off until she felt strong enough to deal with it all. But she couldn’t resist, and her fingers trembled as she waited for the phone to come back to life.
 

When she realized there were no new messages, or even texts, from Nate, she felt crushed. He hadn’t even replied to her last text the night before. He hadn’t tried to call her again. Nothing. She knew she should be grateful that he had listened to her plea, and had decided to leave her alone, just like she had asked him to. But it hurt so badly that he hadn’t fought harder for her. Had it really been that easy for him to let her go?
He’s an actor - a really good one by all accounts - what did you expect?
her inner critic taunted her. It kept taunting her the whole morning, even as she reached her mother’s grave.
He obviously never really loved you. He’s back with Julia now and you have to forget him. Why would someone like him love you anyway? That kind of love only exists in fairytales. You were so naïve to fall for his acting. You have to forget him now, he belongs to her. He always did.

”No,” she moaned, and buried her face in her hands, as she knelt there at her mother’s grave. She had to pull herself together. But how? How could she forget about him? She was still in love with him - he filled every little nook and cranny of her being with a love so intense she couldn’t see past it. The pain of never seeing him again, of never even hearing his voice again, was so bad she found it hard to breathe.
 

Suddenly she became aware of someone approaching her from behind. She tried hard to pull her face together - she didn’t want anyone to see the gaping wound inside her. Then she turned to see who it was.

”Olivia,” Nate said quietly, ”you look awful, baby.” His eyes held hers so gently.

She just stood there, frozen, unable to speak. A fresh wave of pain swept through her. He looked tired with dark circles beneath his glorious eyes, his hair crumpled and sticking up in different places as if he’d repeatedly raked his fingers through it. The yearning to reach out and touch him, to make sure he was real and not some trick her exhausted mind played on her, was so intense she felt as if she were on fire. If only she could will reality to conform to her wishes and resurrect her Nate, wipe away the reality of his true identity and bring them back to the cabin again where she had experienced the happiest moments of her life. But of course she couldn’t do that. No one had that kind of power.
 

He reached out and took her hands in his.

”Your hands are so cold, love.” He gently rubbed them with his own. It felt so good to have his bare skin against her own again, her knees almost buckled but she managed to stay upright.
 

The pain of seeing the way he looked at her, with such tender and longing awe, squeezed her throat until she felt as if she couldn’t breathe. She knew now that that look was just him acting; it didn’t mean anything. Her chest constricted with frozen tears. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to survive if she let him in her heart again. She had to find the strength from somewhere to keep him out until she could convince him to leave. She had to get him to leave - she couldn’t stand the thought of breaking down in front of him and seeing the pity in his eyes as she did.
 

She brazed herself and kept her eyes steadily locked in his.

”Why are you here?” she asked. Her struggle for self-control turned her voice into ice.

”Olivia, I know I have no right to ask you for anything more than you’ve already given me,” he said. ”But I’m asking you anyway, love. Please let me explain myself to you. I know I hurt you without meaning to, and I’m so very sorry for that. I wish I could turn back the clock so I could do it differently. Please, let me explain myself?” His eyes pleaded with her, begging her to let him back in her trust. She couldn’t. She took a deep breath.

”There’s no need to explain anything, Nate.” She had to force his name across her numb lips. It hurt so much to say it, knowing she would soon have no reason to say his name again, ever. He would turn into the mirage she had always suspected him to be, and disappear from her world forever. The excruciating pain she felt, at that realization, threatened to overwhelm her completely, and she rushed to get the rest out.

”I understand what happened. You saw an opportunity you couldn’t resist, and went for it. The attraction between us was so great that I really can’t hold it against you at all. You’re only human, like the rest of us. And I made it easy for you, being so inexperienced and easily seduced. It’s not as if you’re not good at pretending. It’s your job, after all, and you’re really good at it, from what I’ve seen. So, you see, I already understand. No need for you to explain anything. You don’t owe me anything, all I’m asking is that you leave me alone now. Go back to your real life, Nate, and forget about what happened between us. I’m not going to cause you any trouble. It will be as if we never met, I promise you.”

She ran out of air and stopped. Gently she extracted her hands from his grip and backed away.

The expression on his face was so strange; shock mixed with intense fear and pain.
 

”I mean it,” she said, to help him walk away, if she could. ”Don’t feel guilty, Nate, don’t. Just go. Forget about me. It’s okay.”

She couldn’t stand to look at him any longer. She turned and started walking away.

She knew she would never see him again and she felt as if a giant hand made of ice plunged itself into her chest and ripped her heart out in one swift motion. She almost fell to her knees in pain, but from somewhere she pulled her last remains of strength and willed her legs to keep walking.
 

She didn’t get far. His strong arms caught her from behind and crushed her to him.

”No, Olivia, no!” he cried out. She could hear the desperation in his voice. ”Don’t shut me out! Please don’t, I beg you. Don’t shut me out, baby, I can’t take it.”
 

She burst into tears then, and doubled over with the pain she felt.
 

”What do you want from me?” she groaned. ”Haven’t you taken enough already, Nate?” She twisted around in his arms and grabbed the front of his jacket.
 

”Can’t you leave me with something - any little piece of me intact, so I at least have a chance of living through this?” she sobbed. ”Please, Nate, just walk away. If you have any compassion for me at all, please just leave me alone now.”
 

”No, Olivia, no, I can’t walk away. I love you more than anything. Nothing has changed! There is no one else, there never was. I’m still your Nate, I always will be, even if you never let me back in your heart. None of what you’ve heard is true.”
 

She looked at him, searching for the truth. She wanted so badly to believe him, to believe that he really was her Nate still, but how could she? She’d seen him with Julia. It seemed a love written in the stars, too big to walk away from.

”It’s too late, Nate,” she sobbed, ”I saw you with her and I will never be the other woman. Not even for you. I would never do that to another woman and definitely not to any child that might be involved.”

”You’re not the other woman,” Nate started to insist but Olivia cut him off.

”Oh, God,” she wailed, ”I don’t want to hear it, Nate. It hurts too much. I saw you with Julia, she’s having your baby, you live together, you’re as good as married to her!” Suddenly she felt furious with him for lying to her, seducing her like that, when he already belonged to someone else. She shoved him hard in the chest.

”You lied to me, you bastard!” she yelled at him. ”How could you do that to me? How could you do that to her?!”

He caught her face in his hands, locking his eyes with hers, without pardon.

”No, Olivia, none of that is true. Julia and I are not together, she’s not having my baby. We don’t live together, we never have. I am not in love with her, nor she with me. We are friends and co-workers, nothing more. I was not in any relationship when I met you, and I love you with all of my heart and soul. I understand how angry and hurt you must be right now, but I never lied to you about anything, other than what I do for a living.”

It was all too much for her then. She felt herself lose hold on reality and everything slipped away.

* * *

 
When she came to again, Nate was holding her so tenderly in his arms, softly rocking her. He was sitting on a park bench with her on his lap. She started crying again and pressed her face into his jacket. She wasn’t strong enough to stay away from him anymore. She sobbed even harder as she admitted defeat to herself. She wouldn’t be able to let go of him again, now. She had no more willpower left. When he got up to leave again she didn’t know how she would be able to refrain from clinging to him like a crazy person, begging him to stay.
 

”Olivia, don’t cry, baby. Please, don’t cry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you so much.” Nate was murmuring into her hair as he kept rocking her.