Destined for the Star (Starstruck) (18 page)

”You know, sometimes I feel so angry with her for leaving us like that.” She had never told anyone this before, but it felt so good to say it out loud at last. She felt so safe with Nate, and so loved by him, she could let him into the darkest corners of her soul somehow.
 

”Why did she keep going back to him?” she asked, looking up at Nate. ”Why did she keep loving him, when he hurt her so badly over and over again? Why did she let him in that day? She must have known how dangerous it would be? I’ll never understand that. Sometimes I feel as if she loved him more than she loved us, her own children.”

”I don’t know why she made the choices she made, baby, all I know is that the human heart is a mysterious creature. Who can explain love?” He held her gaze gently in his own.

She startled.

”That’s exactly what she told me, when I asked her once why she kept going back to him,” she said, amazed.
 

”Well, it’s true, love is seldom logical and often completely random and undeserved.” He held her face so tenderly in his hands as he spoke. ”Olivia, never doubt that she loved you and your brothers. I know she’s out there somewhere, looking down on you and feeling so happy and proud at how you turned out, all three of you. Maybe she was just one of those people with an extraordinary capacity to love, no matter how undeserving the recipient of that love is. Don’t hold that against her, sweetheart.”

She snuggled closer to him. It felt oddly comforting, what he had just said.
 

”I’ve never thought of it that way before,” she murmured.
 

He was silent for a few moments and then he asked:

”But how did you make it, sweetheart? You said you were hit a second time and then you passed out?”

”Yes,” she said. ”Apparently, there was so much blood from that second wound that George thought I was dead. So he left me there on the floor by the door. That’s where the police and paramedics found me shortly after.”

She went quiet for a second.
 

”They told me he must have gone straight back in to my mother and shot her in the head. Then he shot himself. They were both dead by the time the police arrived.”

”I can’t tell you how sorry I am you had to live through something so horrendous,” he said, his eyes blank with tears.
 

She wrapped herself around him and buried her face against his neck, drawing comfort from his warmth and familiar scent.
 

”Would you like to see the scars?” she asked suddenly.

”Only if you want to show them to me.”
 

”I do. I want you to know everything about me.”

She sat back on the bed, and held up the mass of hair over her left ear.

”The first shot grazed the side of my head, here” she pointed to a thin silvery line just above her ear.

He reached out carefully, and touched it, ever so gently, following the scar to its end.
 

”The doctors told me I must have had my very own guardian angel that day because if that bullet had hit me just a centimeter or two further to the right, I probably wouldn’t be here today.”

He looked at her, fear in his eyes.

”I will be forever grateful to your guardian angel,” he murmured.
 

”The other bullet hit me right here,” she pulled her t-shirt up and turned a little so he could see the small white mark at the left side of her back. ”It went right through, and again, I was very lucky, because it didn’t hit any vital organs or anything. It came out here,” she said and pointed to the scar from the exit wound, at the side of her torso.

He touched both scars carefully with his warm fingers and then he bent down and kissed them softly.
 

”How come I didn’t notice them before?”

”I thought you would, but they’re not very noticeable, are they? The doctors said apparently I heal very well. My skin recovers better than most people’s would. I guess that’s something to be grateful for. It means I don’t have to feel as self-conscious in a bikini, I guess,” she said with a slight grimace.

”I love you so so much,” he whispered. ”I am eternally grateful that you survived.”

”I am too, now,” she said and smiled tenderly at him. ”But I wasn’t when I first woke up in the hospital. I wished I had died too, then. My mom was my whole world. She was everything to me; my soft place to fall, my best friend, my very own cheerleader… I didn’t know how to live without her.” She looked down and wound her fingers through his.
 

”But then they told me the boys had made it and were in foster care, and that’s when I found something to live for again. I promised myself I would fight for the three of us to be together. And I did. And we have been since then. Caring for them helped me heal.” She smiled tenderly at the thought. ”They sort of saved me, I had to find a strength inside me to live that I wasn’t even aware I had. They can be major pains in the ass, but they really are the best brothers there ever were.”

”And you are the best sister there ever was,” he declared. ”Baby, you are the strongest person I have ever met. To be able to recover from something so horrific, fight for custody of your brothers and then raise them by yourself into such fine young men all while grieving for the loss of your mother - I’m in awe of you, Olivia. You are beyond extraordinary.”

She brought his hand to her mouth and kissed it softly then.

”Can you hold me in your arms until I fall asleep?” she asked.

”Of course, sweetheart,” he said and lay back and drew her in to his embrace.
 

They lay there in silence for a while. He nuzzled her hair, drawing deep breaths now and again, as if her smell comforted him the same way his smell always gave her peace too.
 

”Nate?” she said a little later.
 

”Yes, my love?”

”I feel so safe with you. I feel so incredibly vulnerable at the same time, but it’s like you treasure and protect my vulnerability and weaknesses. I can relax and just be, when I’m with you. It’s the best feeling in the world.”

He kissed her on the forehead.

”I know what you mean, I feel exactly the same way. Stronger yet more vulnerable than ever. When I’m with you like this, I feel so complete and being vulnerable is okay. It’s only when you’re not here that I feel fear. Fear of losing you somehow. I don’t think I will ever be able to let you be far away from me for long. Every second I’m not with you feels a little like a wasted second.”

She laughed softly.

”Some might accuse of us being totally co-dependent, but I don’t believe in all that crap about how absence makes the heart grow fonder. I feel cut in half when you’re gone.”

”That’s because you belong with me. You
are
my better half, Olivia.”

”Hardly the better half,” she snorted. Then she became serious again.

”Nate, I think I’m coming to understand something that I haven’t seen before.”

”What’s that, baby?”

”I think I was so terrified of falling in love because to me falling in love with someone equaled danger, real danger. I saw my mother fall head over heels in love with George and in the end that love killed her. Before Mom died, Sasha would nag on me to go out with boys and I did every once in a while. In high school I had a boyfriend for a while but my heart wasn’t into it. He was a great guy, but with everything that was going on at home, I just wasn’t ready to be with anyone. I was terrified of any kind of intimacy with a guy because I was so afraid of ending up like Mom, in love with someone who would destroy me. Does that make any sense at all?” She looked up at him.

”Yes, it does,” he said. ”After her death, did you withdraw even further, to keep yourself safe?”

”Yes, I think so, although if you had asked me at the time, or even just a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have been able to see that. I would just have said, no I really have no interest in having a relationship with a man. Up until I met you, it was like I was frozen in a way. You thawed me out, Nate.”
 

”I am so glad that I could, because you mean everything to me. I’m so thankful you found the courage to trust me, love.” He kissed her tenderly. ”Your heart is completely safe with me - I will never hurt you, Olivia, and I will never let anyone else hurt you again either,” he vowed.

She snuggled closer to him and fell asleep in his arms. There were no more nightmares.
 

* * *

Two days later, late in the afternoon, Nate dropped her off at her place. She had asked if she could come with him to the airport, to see him off, but he claimed he felt better if he saw her safely home instead. She didn’t argue with that. She was rather tired and glad to be home again.
 

He carried her bags upstairs and they said their goodbyes in the apartment.
 

That morning, while they were packing to leave the cabin, she had asked him for a few of his t-shirts to keep with her while he was gone.
 

”On one condition,” he’d said with a grin.

”What is that?” she’d asked, a little suspicious.

”I want something of yours, with your smell on it, to comfort me when I’m gone.”

She’d given him her pajama t-shirt, since she figured it smelled the most of her.

”And I’ll wear one of your shirts on the drive home and then you can have it back if you want,” she suggested.

”Perfect,” he grinned. ”I’ll wear it all week and drive people crazy with it.” He looked happy at the thought.

The thought cheered her up too, she liked the image of her smell on him while they were apart.
 

”Yes, please do,” she grinned, ”it will be as if I scent marked my turf.”

But saying goodbye was still very hard, once they stood there just inside her door.

”You look as miserable as I feel,” she said, as she stood there, encircled by his arms.
 

”It’s torture to say goodbye to you, Olivia. It goes against every instinct I have,” he complained.

”I know,” she said.
 

He leaned his forehead on hers.

”I will be back here six days from now,” he said. ”And then we’ll go see my parents for Thanksgiving. And after that I’m not letting you out of my sight for the rest of the year,” he vowed. ”You’ll be so tired of me come New Year’s Eve, you’ll kick me out,” he predicted glumly.
 

”Ha!” she exclaimed. ”You should be so lucky! More likely, I’ll wear you out completely and you’ll flee back to America well before Christmas.”
 

He laughed. And then he became somber again.

”I have to go now, baby, or I’ll miss my flight. But I’ll call you as soon as I land. At least we’ll be in roughly the same time zone this week. That’s something at least,” he smiled, his eyes so sad. ”I love you, Olivia.”

”I love you too, Nate.”

She reached up and kissed him, with all the pent-up emotions she felt. Then she pulled back and said:

”Go now, before I change my mind and tie you to my bed for the rest of the week.”

He smiled at that and then he left.

Chapter 13

The next day at work Sasha came in an hour early for her shift, bursting with curiosity.

”Spill, sister. Now!” she ordered Olivia.

Olivia laughed.

”Curious, much?”
 

Sasha shot her a murderous glance.

”I want every single detail, pronto!”

”Okay, okay, but I’m not telling you every single detail,” Olivia laughed. ”That’s between him and me.”
 

”Oh, come on,” Sasha whined.

”Non-negotiable,” Olivia said sternly, ”take it or leave it.”

Sasha seemed to think it over for a moment.

”Fine then, be a prude,” she grinned at last. And then she asked,

”So, what’s Mr Stud like in bed?”

Olivia threw a dirty dish cloth at her, but sadly it missed its target when Sasha ducked.
 

”The best, of course,” she answered haughtily.

”How would you know?” Sasha teased. ”It’s not like you’re known for sleeping around much, so you have very little to compare with, right?”

”I’m not discussing this with you,” Olivia said. ”Contrary to some people I know,” she cocked her eyebrow wryly at Sasha, ”I’m not the kiss and tell kind of girl.”

”Fine,” Sasha said glumly. ”So, are you going to see him again or was this it?”

”He loves me, Sasha!” Olivia suddenly blurted, unable to keep it in anymore. ”He really loves me!” she exclaimed, hugging her friend and buzzing with happiness.

”He said that?” Sasha asked in shock. ”How can he know that? You’ve only just met.”

”I know that
I
love
him
more than anything, so I think it makes perfect sense,” Olivia grinned.

”Wait, you didn’t tell him that, did you?” There was a disapproving look on Sasha’s face.

”Of course I did,” Olivia said.

”No, no, no, Liv!” Sasha groaned. ”You should have kept him hanging. You’re giving away all your power, girl!”

”Don’t be silly, Sasha,” Olivia reprimanded her, ”this is not a game. I could never play with his feelings like that,” she scoffed.

”Oh, sometimes you are so infuriating, Liv! Of course it’s a game, a mating game. At least tell me you weren’t the first to say it?”

”As a matter of fact, no, I didn’t say it first, he did,” she beamed. ”And he’s invited me to spend Thanksgiving next week with his family in Oklahoma!”

That shut Sasha up. She looked absolutely stunned.

”Sasha, you okay?” Olivia finally asked.

”What? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit surprised, I guess. Don’t you think this is moving a little fast, Olivia? I mean, what do you really know about the guy?”

”I know everything I need to know,” Olivia said, annoyance creeping into her tone.
 

”Do you really?” Sasha asked, looking at her with deep skepticism. ”How do you know he’s not some lunatic taking you to America to do whatever with?”

”Sasha, cut it out! He loves me and I love him. He’s a really, really good man. The best actually. Don’t be like this,” she pleaded, grabbing Sasha’s hands, ”I’ve never been this happy before, ever. I can’t believe he wants me as much as I want him, but he does! When he looks at me, I feel like I could fly. Be happy for me, Sasha, please,” she said pleadingly.