Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (101 page)

Fuck, Sarah. I don’t want to.

I drop my hands from her and take a step back. “It’s already done.”

A sob escapes her, this one more violent than the last. “Please come back to me, Travis. Don’t do this. You love me.”

“I’ll always love you. That’s going to be the one piece of me you’ll always have.”

Before another word can be said, Sarah drops her arms from my waist and turns around to walk away. Once she hits the door, she grabs on to its frame at both sides as I watch from the top step.

Turning around, using a voice so certain, she tells me, “You found me, Travis. Now you’re going to let me go.”

“You were never lost. You thought you were, but you weren’t.”

“I’m not talking about
me,
Trav. You found me because
you
were. You can say whatever you think you need to say to get me to leave. And I’ll go because it’s what you want. But don’t hide behind anything else except your own fear. At least admit that’s what you’re doing.”

She starts to turn around to leave and I close my eyes briefly in relief. Before she makes it off the porch, she faces me again. The light inside the eaves casts a subtle glow on her face.

“It was easy for me to crush on Hayden,” she says, pulling her long sleeves over the palms of her hands, fisting her hands, and looking down. “It was easy for me to make friends with Rae when she got here and Lacey, too. I never . . .” She takes a breath. “I never traced
their
eyes, or memorized their faces, though.”

I hate hearing her struggle through her thoughts.

“What are you sayin,’ Sarah?”

Taking in a courageous breath, she squares her shoulders and looks up at me. “I never fit in anywhere so I made myself who I thought they’d want me to be. I’ve been a lovesick teenager, a sidekick when someone’s bored on a Saturday afternoon, a little sister who needed tormenting, but never anyone they’d miss if I weren’t around.” Her eyes stay on mine and she has to see my confused expression. “I didn’t have to be anyone but me when I was with you, though, Travis. So, it’s not that I’ve never lived before and all of a sudden I’m lost. It’s that I’ve never wanted to live without you because you knew who I really was. You saw me as Sarah and I’m not sure anyone but Bean ever did.”

After she walked out I stand, minute after minute, waiting for her to come back as her last statement settles in my chest. If she comes back, I don’t know what I’ll do. This resolve I promised myself I’d hold tight to is fading. I worry if she comes back I’ll change my mind and ask her to stay.

Another minute passes and I realize I don’t have to worry anymore because this time she’s truly gone.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Sarah

GOD, NO. THIS
isn’t happening.

Driving back to Ace’s house, I’m reminded as I pull up that Trav’s not welcome back yet, if ever. Until I agreed to stay away from him, which I hadn’t planned on doing until now, Ace had made good on this threat to keep Trav at a distance.

He doesn’t have to do that anymore. Now that Travis has ended things, Ace will eventually reach out to him again. It’s what they do. I never understood it, but it happened with Lacey and Hayden as well. Travis was angry for a short time, they talked it through, and life moved on. I take some comfort in knowing Travis won’t be alone forever. But right now, I feel as though I will.

Toby’s truck is parked behind Ace’s Harley. Hayden’s SUV is parked in the street next to the mailbox, clearing the way for mine in the drive. The lights inside are on and through the blinds I see vague shadows of all those who are probably waiting for me.

Fuck, this hurts.

When I enter the house all eyes come to me. Taking in those who sit around the table as if Travis never existed fuels my already well-angered state of irritation and feel of absolute betrayal.

I don’t say anything to them as I pass to enter my room, but all eyes follow and all voices stay silent until my bedroom door closes behind me.

Throwing my purse on my dresser, the perfume bottles and the few other contents rattle briefly before the silence once again surrounds me. My hands make their way to my hips as I look down in contemplation.

I hate all of them. Those who claim to stand by each other, care for one another, and guard their friendships so closely, have deserted one of their own.

I’m angry.

Stepping out of my black skirt then lifting my soiled uniform shirt over my head, I leave them on the floor and change into Travis’s clothes. I attempt to sidestep the thought he’ll never be annoyed at me wearing them again.

I’m furious.

I’ll never hear him lecture me about my mouth, my crabby morning disposition, the careless way I make decisions, or my inability to stay calm in any situation.

I’m about to come un-fucking-done.

I hear Ace’s voice from the other room, and the walls start to close in around me. The hot-tempered, possessive, arrogant son of a bitch is robbing me of the life I want; the life I deserve.

Travis told me we were over. He told me we were through, and in so many words he was done with me. He said I’d be able to live my own life.

Those aren’t his words, they’re Ace’s. Travis can’t possibly believe them.

When, in all my years, have I ever been able to do anything without Ace standing guard or Bean running motherly interference?
Never.

Rising off the bed, I kick my clothes out of the way and swing my bedroom door open wide. The soft murmurs I heard through the walls only seconds before have ceased entirely.

“Sarah,” Rae calls out, surprised by my presence as I move closer to the main room next to the kitchen.

I ignore her and turn to glare at each person, one after another, sitting around the dining room table. My eyes aim to remember their faces, urging them, without words, to never forget mine.

Now I’m about to lose my fucking mind.

Marlee sits next to Toby, her armed draped across the back of his chair as he sits stoically facing my direction.

Rae, sitting on Ace’s lap, fidgets and I see his large hands on her hips, holding her in place. Always controlling.

Hayden and Lacey sit on the other side of the table. Lacey starts to stand, but my eyes immediately narrow and I feel my jaw get tight. She notices and stops moving.

It’s as if all of this is happening in slow motion. Releasing my sadness, anger, and resentment into the room, I start with the person I feel deserves it most.

Hayden’s eyes come to mine and he sits back in his chair the moment I start to speak.

“You’re an asshole,” I say first, watching his body tense with my truth. “He trusted you, Hayden. He forgave you for what you did with Lacey. If anyone should understand this, it’s you. He’s your best fucking friend.”

“Sarah, don’t,” Ace cuts in, but I don’t look away.

Instead, I continue. “He respected you. Even though there was so little to respect at times. He
always
stood by your side and
always
cared about you, even when you didn’t care about yourself!”

Rae stands from Ace’s lap as he now starts to stand behind her.

I don’t let it deter me. “I hate who you’re being, Hayden. I hate it for you and for Trav. It’s pathetic.”

I move my eyes to Lacey, sitting next to him, her eyes are filled with tears. “Don’t cry, Lacey.” I fake a caring tone, and then change it quickly to emphasize my words. “Maybe he’ll forgive the
one
person in his life he truly thought of as his family. That’d be you, in case you were wondering.”

Ace bellows in the background. “Shut the fuck up!”

His tone is meant to scare me, but it doesn’t at all. I don’t pay attention to his words. They’re muffled through the pounding of my boiling blood.

“And Toby and Marlee,” I state. Both their eyes widen and focus on mine. I raise my hands above my head. “This isn’t fucking Switzerland! You can’t be neutral!” I yell, louder than I’d intended. “You can’t look away and pretend what’s happened really hasn’t. Have an opinion in this, and for fuck’s sakes have one that fucking matters!”

My throat starts to burn from the increased pressure of raising my voice, but I’m not done.

Raegan’s next.

“And you,” I point, watching her step backward and into Ace’s arms. “His best fucking friend! The one who claims to
understand
him. This is killing him, a knife to the chest, and you’re holding the fucking blade! As always, you’re hiding behind Ace. What happened to the Rae I knew who’d stand up for herself even in the angry face of my brother? Bean would . . .”

I don’t finish. Hearing myself mention my beloved Bean with so much anger causes my breathing to seize.

Ace moves Rae away from him and walks around the table to get to me. His expression is
murderous.

“And you,” I say calmly, so calm it scares me as I hear my own voice. “You’re
my
family. You’re all I’ve got left, Ace. And you’re hurting me. More than anyone here.”

“Sarah,” he whispers, standing close, but not making a move to reach me. I look up. His face is red, but no longer from anger. His eyes are drowning in tears.

“You’ve always told me what I
should
want, Ace. Now that I finally,
fucking finally,
have something I want more than anything, you’re ripping it away. You’ve torn it to pieces.” I pause, regroup, and finish. “I hate you for this.”

“Fuck,” he utters, running his hands through his hair.

“You’re not who you’ve always claimed to be. When you left and went back to Ohio, you left me here. I needed you then and I need you now but for different reasons. I’m not a kid anymore.”

“I’m trying,” he returns.

My volume increases again, my body still racing with fury. “Try harder! Don’t you see? I love him, Ace!”

Before turning around and walking back into my room to sulk in sadness in my own company, I look around Ace’s large frame to the others.

“Bean would be ashamed of everyone here. I’m ashamed to be part of this family and I don’t want to be part of it anymore. All of you make me sick.”

I look back up at Ace; his face is no longer red. It’s gone pale, hearing me talk of Bean the way I have. It’s my right, though. I knew her better than anyone. It was me she loved the most.

“I’m moving out. I don’t care if I’m alone. You took something from me and you took more from Travis. I’ll be gone as soon as I can find somewhere else to go.”

“Sarah!” I hear him call as I turn and walk back to my room, closing the door behind me.

* * *

Hours later, with my head throbbing and my eyes burning from uncontrollable tears, I haven’t regretted anything I’ve said to the others because it was all true—every word of it. I was driven by heartache and felt compelled to have my say. I haven’t been upset because of them; my tears are because of him.

My thoughts spiral out of control as I try my best to keep the others from hearing me cry. I should’ve given in to Travis sooner. I shouldn’t have tried so fucking hard to keep him away like I did. I would’ve had more time with him and things could’ve turned out so much differently.

I desperately try to fall asleep without listening to the front door open and close, again and again. Ace’s voice, from what I can make out, sounds determined. I hear him tell the others he’d “handle it”—whatever the fuck that means. There’s nothing left to handle.

Without processing any further thoughts, I grab my phone and angrily start my text, already knowing I won’t get a response because he doesn’t fucking care.

08:44 p.m.
I said to them what you couldn’t. You’re welcome.

Hours later, Ace walks into my room, unannounced and without invitation. Sitting up in bed, grabbing a pillow for comfort and placing it on my lap, I wait for him to unleash.

He doesn’t.

His face is etched with pain; it’s an expression I’m not used to seeing him wear. Ace’s confidence and certainty in regard to me have never wavered. Seeing him like this leaves me nervous and a little sad.

“Don’t tell me to go away.” His voice, coupled with his sad expression, keeps me quiet. “I talked to the others.”

“I’m not apologizing to anyone,” I tell him and mean every word. Fuck them.

His hand comes up, and without words I accept this as a desperately needed time out.

“Sarah,” he sighs, still standing in my bedroom as the dull light of my lamp surrounds us. “I didn’t think you would. What you said in there . . .” he pauses and raises his hand in a ball to his mouth after clearing this throat. “There’s truth to what you said.”

“Thank you.”

“But not all of it was right or fair.”

“It was to me.”

“Hear me out,” he requests, walking toward me and sitting on the edge of my bed, feet to the floor. He turns his body so he’s facing me, but still in a position to get away. “You don’t know what was said in regard to what’s goin’ on before you walked in.”

“What was that?” I ask skeptically.

“Lacey brought them all here tonight for a reason.”

“And?”

“She’s as pissed at everyone as you are, including Hayden.”

Finally, someone’s making sense.

“And?”

“And . . . I want my say,” he tells me. “I know you think I don’t deserve it, but I’m entitled to something.”

“Go on,” I utter, leaning back against the headboard and crossing my arms over my chest.

“Sarah, I’m trying to reason with you; meet you in the middle somehow,” he returns, nodding to my angry pose. “You being pissed off doesn’t make it easier.”

“You don’t deserve
easy,
Ace. You hurt me.”

“I know, but I didn’t do it without a fuckin’ reason,” he snaps back then takes a calming breath.

“And what reason could that possibly be?”

Giving me the envelope in his hand, which I missed him holding when he came in, he lays it down carefully on the pillow in front of me.

A-
fucking
-gain, my eyes start to water. Bean’s handwriting on the front of it hits my chest, taking my breath with it. I sit still, refusing to touch it but leaving it in its place, and look at Ace.

“Read it,” he demands.

My voice croaks mildly with my question, “Why do you want me to read this?”