Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (99 page)

I have to let her go.

“If you love her, like you say you do, then it’s over,” he tells me but there’s no need to further explain.

I’ve got to end this.

I knew Ace’s reaction would be violent, but I hadn’t expected his reasoning to be as certain. The part of my past Ace knows about not only haunts me, but him.

She’ll never understand.

“I love her,” I concede. “She loves me, too. This won’t go easy.”

Toby pipes in after a long silence. “You’re ending it with her? Travis, no.”

Turning, Ace moves in closer to Toby and uses his build to intimidate. “You have nothing in this. I suggest you stay the fuck out of it. It doesn’t concern you or Hayden.”

“You’re making a mistake. Sarah and Travis. . . .”

Toby’s words are stopped. The tension in the room increases further as Ace looks back at me. “I’ve never in all my years knowing you felt the betrayal I feel now.” His voice gentles slightly. He’s still angry, but he’s hurt. “If you’d come to me first . . .” he stops and takes a breath. “Even if you’d come to me first, the answer would’ve been no, but you’d have saved Sarah the heartache of losing you.”

“The heartache you’re causing, Ace. Don’t forget that,” Hayden offers.

Without another word, and without looking behind him, Ace walks rigidly out the door just as he walked in it: frustrated, angry, and hurt by my betrayal.

Before leaving, Hayden and Toby sit with me in silence for as long as they can stand it. Each lost in their head like I was. I imagined they were trying to forget Ace’s resentment, but couldn’t. I didn’t blame either of them for leaving without uttering a single word of goodbye. Their sullen faces were enough to tell me what I already knew.

I’d have to let Sarah go and I’d have to do it in such a way she’ll have no choice but to accept it.

And she’ll hate me for the rest of her life after hurting her the way I know I will.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Sarah

“I FUCKING HATE
you,” I seethe to Ace on the drive to Trav’s apartment.

We’re headed there to “collect my things” as he explained on the way to the hospital elevator. He couldn’t give me so much as a fucking day to process his demands and allow me to weigh in with an opinion or give me an opportunity to offer a thought that was my own.

I fucking knew this would happen.

When Ace came out of Travis’s hospital room, I knew. I had my answer before he uttered an angry word. His decision had been made and it was over. He did explain, in animated and angered detail, what would happen to Travis if I didn’t end things between us.

Travis would be alone. It was a place, in his head, he’d already known for too long. I knew then I couldn’t let that happen. I wanted to fight, pull any strength from down deep, and go back in Trav’s room and lie next to him while he was healing. I’d already had a lifetime of experiencing Ace’s temper and interference though, so it was pointless.

I fucking knew this would happen.

Once again, because of a life where I lived under Ace’s thumb, I stopped resisting and did as I was told. It didn’t matter how Travis and I explained ourselves. Explaining to Ace that our relationship was gradual and had happened over a span of
years
wouldn’t matter. He wouldn’t have listened no matter when or where we ever tried to tell him.

God, Bean would have so much to say about this.

The others stood around us in the waiting room watching as Ace threatened to remove him from the group. Travis would no longer be welcome in Ace’s life, the Ward, or in the band that rarely plays anymore. His connection to Rae would be severed. Although Raegan loves Travis, she wouldn’t betray Ace for anyone. Travis would be alone and it would be because of me.

Hayden said nothing in our defense, and neither did Toby. They weren’t surprised by Ace’s reaction, but they were sorry. Their faces, as they stood around and watched the train wreck happening in front of them, were full of shame—for Ace.

Lacey stood still by my side as Ace informed us all that I was moving back in with him and Rae. She held my hand as she walked me out to Ace’s truck. She kissed me on the cheek and whispered quietly in my ear, but I wasn’t listening to any more of what anyone else had to say.

“Better you hate me than fuck him,” Ace answers my declaration quickly while staring at the road ahead.

“You won’t even hear me out, will you?”

Turning around and pinning me with a glare, which at one time would’ve kept me quiet, he utters his words as if they’re painful to speak. “
I’m
supposed to be taking care of you, Sarah. It’s what
she
would’ve wanted.”

“
Taking care of me?
” I ask louder than needed, but he needs to listen. “You are not talking about Bean, Ace. You are not bringing her into this fucking conversation and saying she wouldn’t want me with Travis. She loved him!”

“She didn’t know him,” he states calmly. “She only knew what we told her.”

Pushing an already sensitive situation, I ask, “Are you talking about his mom and what may or may not have happened when he was a kid?”

“What he
saw
as a child? Yes. What causes him to fear what he’ll do to a woman himself
because
of what he saw? That’s a fuck yes.”

Travis hadn’t finished telling me exactly what he thinks he remembers. He either couldn’t finish the story or he was too ashamed and nervous to admit it. I don’t ask Ace to fill me in; it’s not his place. I’ll ask Travis.

“That’s bullshit, Ace. Bean knew every one of us. She loved us all despite ourselves. You, more than anyone, should know that.”

“Stop talkin,’ Sarah.”

“He loves me, Ace,” I say quietly, hoping to reach my brother’s heart.

“
I
love you, Sarah. And I know what’s good for you.”

“Don’t talk to me about what’s good for me or what you think Bean would have to say about this,” I slam him with truth, then add an extra insult. “She’d be ashamed of you for doing this to him. He was your
best friend.
”

“You come first. Always, before any and all of them.”

“Do I, though?” I ask sincerely. “Because it doesn’t feel like I do. It rarely did, Ace.”

Ace turns, giving me a look of what I determine is confusion, so I continue. “You left me not once, but twice, when you went to Ohio for all those months. You left me again when you went to Vegas for Rae.”

“You were taken care of,” he tries to explain.

“Yes, I was. Travis took care of me. He made sure Bean and I were okay. Travis, Hayden, and Toby all put me first, but not you.”

I’m right. He knows I am and it hurts. My intention isn’t to strike him with the truth, but to get him to realize what he’s doing.

“Sarah,” he says on a sigh.

“Ace, where were you when Bean died?”

That question lingers in the air, the honesty of my blatant point causing him to stay quiet, letting me finish. “Trav was there,” I whisper quietly. “If he wouldn’t have done the things he did, Ace, I’m not so sure I would’ve been okay.”

Ace still has nothing to say in his own defense. He has to know I’m right.

“I love him,” I continue. “And you’re hurting me by doing this.”

Ace thinks he’s won this. He hasn’t and the first chance I get, I’ll figure this out with Travis. Come hell or high motherfucking water, I’ll figure this out with the only person who matters.

“I don’t want to know you anymore,” I mumble to the window of his truck as I listen to the radio play a song not so unlike the life I wish I lived.

Andrew Belle knows how to make a girl hurt. “In My Veins” is crushing my heart and twisting my soul.

Finally, after pulling into Ace’s driveway, I get out and walk in the front door. Not looking back to see if Ace followed, I move quickly and head straight back to the room I don’t plan to stay in long. Passing Rae, sitting quietly at their dining room table, I don’t offer her so much as a glance. I don’t think she’s in any shape to handle my anger and hostility right now. She’s got to be just as heartsick as I am; Travis is, or was, her best friend.

Diamond, Ace’s dog, wags his tail in excitement, thinking I’ve willingly come back and apparently just for him. Thankfully, Decklan is nowhere in sight.

The immediate knock on my door, shortly after I’ve closed it, further pisses me off. I haven’t had time to process, and these people want to pick apart what they think they know about my relationship with my best friend.

I don’t move off the bed to answer.

The door opens carefully, and I find Rae leaning against the jamb. She’s been crying. Her hands are hidden under her arms, which are crossing her waist. She’s changed into her night shorts and her own Devil’s Despair tee. It fucking kills me to look at it.

Clearing her throat, she asks, “Can I come in?”

“No, Rae. You can’t,” I tell her. “I don’t want company.”

She takes a brief second to assess what’s in front of her and enters anyway. I sigh heavily at the intrusion.

“I won’t stay long. I’m only here to ask if there’s anything you need.”

Dear God, is there a Post-it Note big enough to list what I fucking need?

“Yeah,” I snap back, not caring it’s not her fault my brother’s a giant
dick.
“Travis. That’s what I need.”

“Sarah,” she starts. Her head tilts to the side and her eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know how to help.”

“Then don’t worry about it. Shutting the door on your way out is help enough right now, Raegan.”

I start to feel bad but, good God above, this is the last place I’d thought I’d end up today and I just came from the hospital so that’s saying something.

Rae dismisses my request and asks, “Ace wants to talk to you. Will you let him?”

“Fuck that shit. I hate him, Rae.”

“Sarah, if you let him talk he’s more likely to listen to you than anyone else.”

Tears fill my eyes and I look to the ceiling trying to control them before they have a chance to fall. “Do you not know him, Rae? Once Ace decides on something, that’s it, it’s done.”

“You’re giving Travis up?”

Again, I’ve not had time to process anything. All Ace’s demands to walk away from Travis, seeing him lying in that cold hospital bed alone after our weekend together, Ace forcing me to stay away from him, watching Raegan go through this as I am—it’s too fucking much.

“Can you go? This isn’t your fault, but I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

She nods, lifts her body off the doorframe, and grabs the handle. She stops, turns around, and quietly tells me, “Let Ace calm down. He does want to talk to you, Sarah. He just doesn’t know how.”

“Raegan,” I sigh. “I’m telling you that’s not a good idea. I’m not saying I hate him like I did when I was a kid. I mean it when I say I
fucking
hate him.
”

Wiping the tears I’ve caused to fall from her face, her eyes meet mine and she voices, in a rigid tone I’ve not heard her use toward anyone, “I realize you don’t know the relationship I had with my mom growing up. The woman who was supposed to love and protect me, didn’t. Instead, she hated me for just being alive. I can’t tell you what I would’ve given for her to show me an ounce of interest, let alone try to step in and protect me from a future she was scared I’d have. Ace is doing this because he loves you, not because he hates you or Travis. You can continue to sit in here and be angry but imagine your life without Ace in it and how you would’ve ended up without him.”

Wiping away evidence of my sadness for Rae, I plead, “Please shut my door on the way out. I’m done for today.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Travis

TELL HIM TO
stop. Please, Mom. Wake up and tell him to stop.

It’s all I can think as I watch the man continue moving on top of my mom. His breath is heavy and his hands are digging into her skin as she remains sleeping under him.

“Payment’s a payment, alive or dead,” he spits out before licking her cheek where I’ve kissed her so many times.

She can’t be dead.

I want my dad.

* * *

Since Lacey brought me home from the hospital, I’ve sat alone in my apartment remembering with twisted reality what’s happened. It doesn’t matter what I say or do; things are what they are. Ace isn’t a person who can be persuaded. He never has been. My only choice to make Sarah happy is to let her go and free her to find happiness—just not with me.

It’s been three days since I’ve seen Sarah’s face, heard her voice, or felt her body next to mine.

I miss her smile, humor, wit, and oddly more than anything, I miss her foul mouth. My rooms here feel empty without her crazy spirit filling them.

It’s not Sarah and me
together
that I’m missing exactly. I’m missing Sarah, my best friend, most of all.

I’ve gotten a string of restless text messages from her, which were sent from Rae’s phone. I didn’t replace hers as I had promised. There hadn’t been time. Her messages were vexing, uncontrolled, and each proving how upset and betrayed she felt by those she loved the most, including me. I didn’t text her back. It wouldn’t be right to drag Rae into the middle of this. I haven’t talked to her since Sunday either. My hope is that Ace hasn’t been taking any of his anger out on anyone else.

The sadness of knowing I’ll wreck Sarah is overwhelming. My chest aches to think about the things I’ve got to say to get her to walk away. She won’t understand. We were good, solid, and happy—for a short time.

I, however, could never be as happy as I was when I was with her. It was happiness I’d never felt possible.

My sister has been insistent I eat, rest, and relax. Lacey’s cooking does nothing for my appetite. The whiskey helps me sleep, but I wake with the nightmares that haunt me when I’m most vulnerable and alone. I used to
appreciate
time alone, but I can’t find any sort of peace and calm in my own presence anymore, so I haven’t been able to rest.

I decided yesterday to renovate my dad’s house and sell it when it’s finished. I’m good with my hands and my dad taught me how to do repairs when I was a kid. Anything further I need help with, the guys at work will have no problem doing.