Devoted (8 page)

CHAPTER 17

Bella

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Blake as he makes his way into the clearing, his father by his side. Even from where I’m seated, I can see the pride written all over Jade and Viper’s face. If things had been different, I’d be graduating myself next year, but nothing ever goes as planned.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous. Blake has the perfect life and doesn’t even realize it. He has parents who love him and would do anything for him. He has two brothers and a sister that idolize him. A true family that would lay down their lives for him and they’re all here today for him.

And then there’s me.

I never knew my father. He was one of the countless number of men who shared my mother’s bed over the years. Unlike Blake, I wasn’t created out of love. I am nothing more than the result of a one night stand between two people who probably didn’t even know the other’s name.

But it never mattered. I never missed having a father growing up. I had my mother and uncle. They were all the family I needed. And now they’re both gone.

That’s not completely true. My mother is still out there somewhere. She probably hooked up with some biker across the country, having long forgotten about me.

Biting back the tears that threaten to fall, I peer over my shoulder one last time, my eyes landing on Blake. The need to escape suddenly overpowers me and I find myself following the path leading away from the crowd that seems to continuously grow.

A five minute walk leads me to yet another clearing with a view overlooking the river. I find a lone rock near the shore and make my way over. Staring out onto the water, I finally allow my pent up tears to fall.

Being alone with my thoughts used to bring me some sort of peace but that was ages ago. Before my innocence was ripped from me. Before I lost the life I once had. Before I lost all hope for my future. Before him.

Now, all that remains is memories of a time I want forget. The images that surface are all too real and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to escape them. Sliding to the ground, I bury my face in my knees and begin to openly sob.

Several minutes pass before I realize I’m no longer alone. Lifting my head, my eyes land on Blake solemnly standing there, staring at me in sympathy. He feels sorry for me, just like everyone else, and I hate it. Swiftly, I wipe at the tears streaming down my face in a vain attempt to disguise what he’s already seen, what he obviously knows.

“Thought you could use some company,” he says, his eyes filled with compassion.

“I’m fine,” I grumble, scurrying to my feet. Full of shame, I quickly turn away from him, refusing to let Blake see the weakness that continues to destroy me.

“You don’t look fine,” he retorts. I can feel his eyes boring into me.

“I didn’t ask for your opinion,” I snap, knowing he is just trying to help. That’s what he always seems to do, but right now I want no part of it. “Just leave me alone.”

“Not gonna happen,” he says as he moves towards me. Turning around, I lift my eyes to his and see nothing but determination in them. “We’re friends Bella.”

“I didn’t ask for your friendship or your fuckin’ help!” The moment the words escape my lips, I feel like a complete ass. Shaking my head, I draw in a deep breath. “I just want to be left alone,” I manage to choke out.

“Why? So you can keep pretending your past isn’t real? It will always be real, Bella.”

“Don’t you think I know that?!” I shout, tears streaming down my face again. “I’ve tried to forget! I’ve tried to move on but
he
won’t let me!”

He takes a step forward, a sympathetic look etching his face. “Rattletop is dead. He can never hurt you again.”

“Yes he can!” I cry out. Closing my eyes, I admit the truth. “Don’t you get it? He hurts me every single fuckin’ day!”

Suddenly, I lose all strength in my legs. Sinking to my knees, my hands tightly cover my face as I openly begin to sob into them. I can feel my tears raining down between my fingers, drenching the dry earth below. Unable to fight anymore, I submit to the relentless and unyielding emotion that consumes me.

When I feel the warmth of Blake’s arms envelop me, I instinctively want to pull away, but can’t. Instead, I relish in their safety, knowing the feeling will quickly dissipate, just like it always does.

Seconds turn to minutes, and minutes turn to hours. Before long, the light of day ends as do my tears, yet I dare not move. Blake’s arms still encompass me, I let out a ragged sigh because there is no pain.

“The dark is unending. There are always demons lurking in the shadows,” Blake whispers, still holding me to him tightly.

“I don’t understand,” I say, my voice weak and hoarse.

“My father said those words to me not too long ago. I didn’t understand it at the time but now it makes sense. Our pasts will always be a part of us. Forgetting isn’t an option. Moving on is.”

“I can’t move on,” I mumble as I pull away from him. “I’ve tried.”

“You’ve tried to forget. There’s a difference.”

Even as I stand, I can feel his eyes on me, watching my every movement and I know I have to get away before I say something I will eventually regret.

“When are you gonna stop running, Bella?”

I stop abruptly. Turning around, I stare back at him, absent of all words. I could try to deny my actions, but the truth is I am running – from a past that will always catch up to me.

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself. Stop running and start fighting,” Blake says, taking a step towards me.

As he steps towards me, I instinctively flinch, backing away from his outreached hand. The pain in his eyes from my reaction wounds me to the core. I want to tell him he’s wrong, that I did fight, but the words won’t come out. Instead, I stand motionless, staring back at him defiantly.

Several moments pass before he lowers his head and lets out an exhausted sigh. When he lifts his eyes again, they are unlike anything I’ve seen from him before. “Do you think you’re alone? Is that it? Do you think you’re the only person who’s ever been through hell and back? News flash Bella, you aren’t, so you can stop with the fuckin’ pity party!”

I stare up at him in disbelief. “You think I want your sympathy?”

“Well you sure as hell don’t want my help! I’ve tried, Bella. We all have!”

I am speechless for only a second before fury takes hold. “I didn’t ask for your goddamn help!” I shout, unleashing years of pent up anger. “Do you think I want to be this way? I didn’t ask to be taken away from the only life I ever knew! I didn’t ask to be beaten and raped more times than I can count! And I damn sure didn’t ask you to come into my life and try to fix me!”

Blake’s gaze never leaves mine, his expression unreadable. “You fix things that are broken Bella,” he whispers, a smile forming on his lips. “You may be a little cracked, but you’re far from broken.”

Shaking my head, I can feel the tears forming in my eyes again. “You don’t get it. I’m damaged, Blake! There’s no fixing that.”

He pauses for a moment, his eyes still locked with mine. “The truth is that we all are a little damaged. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others.”

“I’m not just damaged, Blake. What happened to me, everything I went through… it changed me completely. The Bella I used to be is gone. I’m ruined and there’s no going back.” I have to learn to accept that fact.

“Who said anything about going back? We can’t go back and change our pasts. We can’t forget them either, no matter how hard we try. Our pasts make us the people we are today.”

“You don’t understand,” I mumble, looking away from him. No one does.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I don’t understand, but that’s because you refuse to let me in!” he roars in frustration.

“Because I don’t want your help! I don’t want anyone’s help! I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone!” I squeeze my eyes shut, my fists clenched at my side silently begging him to go away.

When I open my eyes again, he is gone but I am far from being alone. As images begin to flood my mind, only then do I realize that for a brief moment, they had disappeared. And then it all makes sense.

It was because of him.

CHAPTER 18

Blake

Maybe I’m being cold and callous. I thought my mother was when she kicked me out of the car that night not so long ago. But she got her point across and I hope I’m doing the same for Bella. You can’t force someone to let you help them. They have to want it.

The moment I see Bella begin to cross the room, I rise from the barstool and head towards the door, not giving her a second glance. Stepping out into the cool night air, I breathe it in deeply. Avoiding her is the easy part, but staying away from her is harder than I ever expected.

Slowly, I make my way towards the creek out back, trying to put as much distance between myself and Bella as possible. I want her to come to me, but I’m damn sure not going to make it easy.

“Damn,”
I mutter aloud as come to stop at the water’s edge. What the fuck has come over me? In a short time, Bella has become an important part of my life. I’d be lying if I said my thoughts the first time I met her were appropriate. All I wanted to do was bend her over the pool table and make her scream my name, but something in her eyes told me she was different. I didn’t realize at the time how true that statement was.

Putting aside everything she went through, Bella isn’t like other girls. She’s pure at heart. A good person with so much to give. She’s beautiful and has experienced more pain than any one person deserves. She’s afraid, not just of facing her past, but what it has done to her. She believes she is damaged. Unrepairable. She’s wrong.

Letting out an exhaustive sigh, I take a seat on the bank and take in the peacefulness of the night. Not too long ago, this wouldn’t have been enough for me and at times like these, the urge to get high is almost unbearable but I’m learning to adapt.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

I turn at the sound of Bella’s sweet voice, inwardly cringing because of what I’m about to do. “Just leaving you the fuck alone,” I mutter as I turn back around. “You got what you wanted, so go the fuck on,” I add, hating myself for uttering the words.

“I deserve that,” she whispers, a slight tremble to her tone. “And at the time I meant it, but…”

“But what?” I ask, a cold tone in my voice.

“Then you left and I… nevermind.”

Peering over my shoulder, I see her walking away. “Wait!” I call out as I rise to my feet. Taking the few strides necessary to catch up to her, I reach out and grab hold of her arm without even thinking. When I see her flinch, I am instantly filled with regret. “I’m sorry,” I murmur, releasing my hold on her.

“It’s a bad habit,” she says, the fear on her face subsiding and a smile forming on her lips as she looks up at me.

But behind that smile lies years of tears and pain, hidden from the outside world but not from me. “What happened when I left?”

“Everything.”

I give her a puzzled look but say nothing, waiting for her to take the first step.

“Have you ever relived an unpleasant memory over and over again?” She draws in a deep breath and slowly releases it before continuing. “One that seems so real you feel like you went back in time and it’s happening to you all over again?”

“All the time,” I confess. The difference is that every painful moment in my past was of my own doing.

“Wouldn’t you do anything to banish that memory forever? Pretend that it never happened or at least be able to go back in time and change it?” she asks, her eyes searching mine for answers that she feels will somehow bring her peace. I wish I could give that to her, but I can’t. “Because I wish for that every single day.”

“We all have parts of our pasts we’d rather forget, but it doesn’t work that way. We’re forced to carry on, baggage and all.”

“You make it sound so simple.”

“It’s far from easy, Bella. Admitting it is half the battle, and taking that first step is sometimes the hardest. Once you get past that, the rest is a little easier.” I know this from experience.

“Why are you so adamant about helping me?”

It’s the one question I’ve been anticipating but I’m not sure how she’ll like my answer. “I’m not gonna lie to you, Bella. It’d probably sound better if I did. I don’t know why I want to help you. I just know it’s something I need to do.”

“Because I’m easy prey,” she mutters almost under her breath. She undoubtedly has heard my reputation, something I’m not proud of.

“Do you really think that badly of me? Trust me Bella, if I was just looking for an easy lay, you’d be last on my list.” Maybe not the best choice of words, but I hope she gets the point.

Instead of anger or even hurt, I see amusement in her eyes. “So you really are my friend,” she laughs, a sound that resonates through the otherwise quiet night.

“Always.” The smile that forms on her lips at that single word is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Little does she know what that promise means to me.

Comfortable silence fills the night as we walk side by side back towards the creek, both of us taking a seat on the water’s edge. Having her with me like this is beyond perfection. It’s real.

“You said we all have demons,” she says, taking a seat on the ground beside me. “What are yours?”

Swallowing hard, I turn to face her. “I’m an addict,” I say, gauging her reaction. “Not something I’m proud of, but it’s who I am.”

“Drugs?” she asks, furrowing her brow. “You use?”

“I used to. I’ve been clean for almost seven months now,” I explain, a hint of pride in my tone.

“So that’s it? That’s your deep, dark secret?” she asks, looking relieved. “I thought you were gonna tell me you were a mass murderer.”

“No, not a murderer. Just a liar and manipulator. And weak. Don’t forget about that,” I laugh.

“But you said you’re clean now. That makes you strong,” she points out, all amusement gone from her expression.

“I wouldn’t say that. The temptation is still there. When I no longer think about getting high, then I’ll be strong. There’s no shame in having a weakness.” It took Hawk drilling that into my head over and over for me to finally get it.

She says nothing, only nodding her head in acknowledgment. Turning her attention to the water, she stares out into the darkness. When she finally speaks, my heart begins pounding loudly within my chest. “It was a Tuesday afternoon and I was walking home from school…”