Dirty Old Man (A True Story) (14 page)

I was going out of my mind with boredom because, true to his word, my dad banned me from leaving the house when my younger sister Beth wasn’t available to babysit me.

Like everybody else in my family, I was counting down the days until I’d be walking out the door. To make it a little easier on myself, I did as I was told and tried to convince my parents that I could behave well, hoping they would grant me a short time out of the house.

I intended to get in contact with Bernie at my first available opportunity.

I told them that I’d accepted Bernie and training were now in my past, and that I was ready to move forwards with my life.

My parents said that they’d reported Bernie to the police and had tried to make me a ‘Ward of Court.’ I was a little confused that I’d not once seen a police officer or been given an interview, nor had I seen any evidence that they were looking to surrender their parental responsibility to a judge.

     Because of my new grown up attitude, they granted me a day out at the cinema with Beth and Lou. We were supposed to watch Armageddon but I had other plans that didn’t involve sitting in front of a large screen, listening to people eat popcorn with their mouths open.

I checked the film times and whilst everybody was in the garden, I called Bernie from the landline and told him to meet me in the park near the bandstand. I knew the phone bill wouldn’t be arriving until after my sixteenth birthday because we’d not long had it. I deleted the last number I’d dialled to prevent any comeback.

     “I’ll be damned if I’m sitting thorough that film,” I said, “why don’t you and Lou go watch it on your own and I’ll watch something else?”

I think Beth was so excited at the idea of doing something grown up with her best friend that she seemed to completely forget she was supposed to be keeping an eye on me.

I told them I’d be waiting outside for them when they came out of the cinema and they disappeared inside without a second thought.

     I walked to the park in the town centre to meet Bernie and sat down on a bench. I was fifteen minutes early so I was just killing time.

A foreign woman sat on the seat next to me which I thought annoying and rude as there were plenty of vacant benches nearby.

Then from nowhere, she started to cry desperately, almost wailing.

I felt incredibly awkward, I didn’t know how to comfort her or people in general. I couldn’t even bring myself to put my arm around her.

     “Are you okay?” I asked her, it seemed such a silly question when she blatantly wasn’t but it was a start.

She explained that her son in law had been attacking and continually raping her for the last four years.

I was speechless, the first selfish thought that entered my head, was that this lady was going to make me late meeting Bernie. She’d suddenly become a burden on my time.

     “You need to go to the police station,” I told her, “they’ll be able to help you there.”

I gave her the directions and she even thanked me!

      “Look, I have to go, I’m meeting somebody” I said as I looked at my watch, “I hope you’ll be okay.”

She thanked me again and walked off in the wrong direction.

There was
a part of me at the time that knew I had to take the lady to the police station, there was also part of me that told me she was an adult and was capable of doing it herself. I didn’t consider her position at all because talking to a stranger would have been a lot easier than being interviewed at the station.

I met Bernie at the bandstand but the thought of the old lady haunted me. I felt ashamed that I’d been so quick to dismiss her. I told Bernie what had happened and he said it was ‘perfectly normal’ and that I should be looking out for myself because my need was greater.

     “I’ve found us a place in Peterborough,” he said, “it has a garden and we even have our own tree. You’re going to love it. Less than a week now.”

I smiled but I was hurting inside.

I’ll never know whether that sweet old lady made it to the police station to report her son in law, I wish desperately that I’d have escorted her but at the time, I was out for myself and nobody else. If I didn’t meet Bernie, I wouldn’t be able to arrange my escape from home so I put my own selfish needs first.

     “John said he’ll keep you updated with everything. He’s going to ask his mum to pick you up on your birthday and I’ll get you from their house. The club just isn’t the same without you. Loads of people are deciding to leave. I told them I’d still be coming back on Fridays and the odd Tuesday but they seem to have given up.”

Less than a week and my ordeal at home would be over, Bernie had promised to make me an instructor. I was looking forward to my new life. He was an adult; he’d look out for me.

     “You’d better get back now just in case your dad is out spying on you; you know what he’s like.”

     I wouldn’t have put it past him, he spied on everyone. The only reason I used the home phone was because hi
s recording device was broken. He used to record every conversation that was made from the house.

I met Beth and Lou outside the cinema. Their eyes blinked wildly as they adjusted to the daylight. I asked them to brief me about the film on the walk home, in case my dad decided to question me about it later to make sure I’d been.

Fortunately he never brought it up; he was barely talking to me since I’d admitted my situation with Bernie. Beth didn’t mention that I’d gone off on my own. I think she realised she’d get in just as much trouble as me.

Because I’d gotten away with it, I began to get brave and a little carefree.

I persuaded my mum to let me go to another martial arts class. It was taught by Brian who was a friend of Bernie’s. She gave me the benefit of the doubt and let me go. It was taught on Tuesday’s like the other club I’d been to.

She got my brother to drop me off in his car, I waved as he watched me walk towards the door and then he drove away.

I didn’t go inside. Instead, I walked up to Bernie’s class that was in full swing. As I walked through the door, it was pure coincidence that Bernie was in the hallway. He turned pale when I caught his attention.

     “What are you doing here petal?” he asked as he ushered me gently outside, “if anybody catches you here then you’ll get yourself and me in trouble and everything will be ruined. You won’t be able to move out because your parent will stop you leaving. If you keep sneaking off they’ll call the police and they’ll lock you up.”

I couldn’t understand why it all had to be a big secret, why Bernie couldn’t just apply for custody of me until I was old enough to leave home. Was I really doing something so wrong that I had to sneak about everywhere?

     “How did you get out the house anyway? Are they letting you out now?”

     “Kind of, I’m supposed to be at Brian’s class tonight.”

     “Well if you hang about until the class is finished, I can speak to you then. I’ve got something for you anyway.” He tapped his nose.

     “Okay.” I said as I sat down in a chair.

     “What are you doing? You can’t wait around here. Go and keep yourself entertained for the next hour and then come back.”

I sat behind some large charity donation bins in the car park opposite and waited until the class was finished.

When I saw people leaving I was relieved, I had enough time to speak to Bernie and get back to Brian’s class before my brother arrived to pick me up. To my horror, Bernie had decided to drop some of his students off after the class.

It was about fifteen minutes later when he pulled up outside the building; he got out the car and led me inside.

     “I’ve found a community centre in Peterborough,” he smiled, “it’s where I’m going to run the classes from.”

     “What’s it like?” I asked.

     “It’s a little bigger than this hall and it’s cheaper. I’ve already put an advert in the paper and I’ve had loads of interest already.”

He reached into his pocket and produced a small blue leather book that looked like a passport. It had my name and my new address written inside already. It just needed my photo adding.

     “Can you guess what this is?” he asked, “all you need is a photo now, told you I’d make you an instructor.”

Everything suddenly became very real. I could see my new life taking form already and I hadn’t moved yet.

     “You need to do one thing though petal.”

     “What’s that?”

     “You need to promise me that you’re definitely going to move in with me because I’ve spent a fortune on getting you registered.”

He still held the little blue book in his hand as his tone became more serious.

     “Also, there are conditions if you’re going to teach.”

I couldn’t understand why there would be conditions; I was a registered instructor with the British Kickboxing Association now.

     “You have to train really hard. You’ll have your own class but you’ll be teaching children. The classes will start an hour before the adult class. You do understand you won’t be teaching the adult classes straight away don’t you?”

I nodded my head, though I was a little disappointed.

     “I’ll be in touch with you via John this week, remember, don’t tell a soul about the engagement or that you’re going to be running your own classes else you’ll mess it all up for yourself. Understand?”

     “Yes, I won’t say a word.”

     “Okay, I’ll have to keep this with me,” he stuffed my instructor’s license back into his pocket, “you can have it when you’re in Peterborough okay?”

I nodded again.

     “Right, you’d better get back to Brian’s class now before your parents find out you didn’t go.”

I looked at my watch; I should have left ten minutes ago to guarantee getting back before I’d be picked up. I was late but I wouldn’t panic, not in front of Bernie. I had to show him I was an adult and could deal with difficult situations else he might change his mind about me moving away with him. I was sure Bernie would drop me off; a fifteen minute walk for me would be less than five minutes in the car. Even if he just dropped me on the corner I would have been able to sneak into the class.

     “I don’t suppose you could give me a lift to Brian’s class could you? It’s just that I’m going to be late otherwise.”

     “I’d love to petal but I have to go to Barbara’s house now to collect the rest of my things.”

My heart sank. He would have been driving near Brian’s class anyway to get to his ex’s house. I could feel the panic creeping up on me again.

     “Okay, I have to go now then because I’m late already.”

     “Okay petal, stay safe eh?”

     I wanted to run like the wind but I was worried people would look at me and think I was a little strange, so I just walked as quickly as I could instead.

My fears were confirmed as I approached the building and saw my brother’s car parked right outside the entrance. Because it was dark, I decided I’d try and sneak around the back of the building and walk around the side to make it look as though I’d used a different entrance. It was shrouded by trees and would give me plenty of cover.

That plan failed the moment I saw my mum walking out of the entrance looking very angry. I could faintly hear her cursing my name. She must have been in and spoken to Brian, he would have told her I’d not been there all night. I could imagine the conversation.

     “Oh my god,” I said under my breath, “please don’t let me be in trouble for anything at all, please, please, please, please.” I muttered as I repeated my ritual. I was glad there was nobody immediately near because they would have thought I was crazy. I felt crazy for sure.

She caught sight of me as I stood on the corner and she told me to ‘get the fuck over here’.

I couldn’t get out of it this time. I’d run out of ideas.

She looked calm as I approached the car; I tried to do so with ease, for fear would have had me running in the opposite direction.

She almost flew towards me and took hold of my hair, pushing me into the car before I could even say a word.

     “You lying little bitch.” she hissed, “We got here early because we knew you’d do something like this. Beth told us what happened at the cinema. You really are a devious little shit aren’t you? Just wait until you get home.”

We drove back; I remember the hateful look my brother gave me in the rear view mirror. That was it, I was definitely going to move out when I turned sixteen, everybody hated me.

     “You’ve been with him again haven’t you?” she shouted, “get inside that fucking house now.”

I thought I’d at least be safe on the driveway, she wouldn’t shout in public because she was always worried about what the neighbours thought. But she was past caring.

She threw me in the house by my hair again.

     “Get up to your fucking room now! I swear to god, if you go near that pervert again then we’ll call the police and he’ll rot in prison.” She screamed as everybody came into the hallway to watch me slowly vanish up the stairs.

I lay down in my bedroom that I shared with Beth. She was up there too. I couldn’t blame any of this on her, it was my doing, and she’d just been an accessory.

     “They caught you out too then?” I whispered, as I noticed blood from my scalp, from the hair pulling incidents.

     “Yeah, I’m grounded now.”

     “For how long?”

     “Forever I think.”

I turned off the lights and got into bed.

     “What the hell is that?” Beth whispered.

     “What the hell is what?”

     “Quick, put the lights on. Quick!”

I flicked them back on.

     “Look at the size of it,” she whispered, “I can’t sleep in here tonight, you know I’m scared of them.”

On the wall was the biggest spider we’d ever seen. There would be no point shouting my dad to take it out because we were both in too much trouble. There were no glasses upstairs to remove it, killing the critter would have been too noisy and we were forbidden to kill spiders anyway. My dad always said that if he ever caught us killing one, that he’d stamp on us too, to see how we liked it.

     We had a similar issue in our bedroom a few months before. It was a spider nest in the corner above my bed. I begged my dad to get rid of it or to at least let me vacuum it up. He declined though and I’ll never forget the day they hatched out. I‘d woken up during the night covered in tiny translucent baby spiders, crawling all over the duvet and in my hair.

     “We’ll swap beds,” I said, “I’m not going to catch the bloody thing, it’ll probably bite me.”

I prepared myself, dressing head to toe and tucking everything in so it couldn’t crawl on my skin if it climbed into the bed. It was the worst night’s sleep I’d ever had and to make matters worse, my dad came into our bedroom around three in the morning. He stood in the doorway before turning on the light.

     “She’s at it again!” he shouted to my mum, “you’re not going to believe this.”

     “What?” she asked, as she stumbled sleepily into the bedroom.

     “She’s dressed; the little bitch is planning to run away in the middle of the n
ight. Well we caught you out this time didn’t we. I suggest you get your fucking pyjamas on now.”

They took all my clothes out of the bedroom and slammed the door behind them. Beth was still fast asleep in bed, I didn’t want to wake her up, she’d already been punished because of me.

     As I drifted back off to sleep, something my mum had said earlier ran through my mind.

She’d said that if I ever saw Bernie again, they would call the police. This meant that they hadn’t been to the police. I doubted it all along but now I knew for sure. Why would they? Their own parenting would have been thrown into question because I’d have told the police exactly what my parents were like.

     “You need to find something to wear that makes you look a little bit older,” said Bernie, “try this blazer.”

He rifled through my bin liners and threw me the red velvet blazer that Beryl had handed down to me. As I put it on over my purple lace top I could still smell my mums’ perfume on it that Beryl used to borrow. Having no fashion sense whatsoever, I teamed it with a pair of pale blue suede trousers, such as was the fashion in the late nineties or so I thought.

     “Yes, I think that will do. You’ll easily pass for nineteen if anybody asks you okay petal?”

I nodded my head and waited for him to leave the room so I could get changed but it hit me that he thought he was in a relationship and I’d have to get changed in front of him.

     “You should wear your hair up too, it makes you look older or so I used to read in Lou’s magazines.”

I nodded again and pulled my long hair back into a ponytail.

     “Now my parents are really nice and if you’re polite to them and say what I tell you to say, you’ll win them over no problem. You’ll only get one chance to make a first impression with them though so make an effort okay?”

I nodded again.

     “Well smile then.”

So I did but inside I was screaming.

     We got into the car and headed towards Werrington which was a couple of miles away.

It was a very grand, very immaculate garden that we walked through to reach the front door. It terrified me that it would be the same inside and I was right.

     “This is Moll,” said Bernie as we walked through to the living room, “she’s one of my students from the club.”

His parents eyed me suspiciously as I looked around the massive living room. They must have both been in their early seventies.

     “Right, I’m going to pop over the road and see Pete. I haven’t seen him for nearly ten years would you believe. I want to see if he’s still got my step ladders.”

Then he left.

     “Have a seat.” Said his mum slowly, pointing at an armchair opposite Bernie’s dad.

Bernie left me in that house with them for over half an hour as they pelted me with questions. Asking me who I really am? Did my parents know I was out so late? And what time was I going home?

     “I’m not going home.” I told her.

     “Well you can’t live with Bernie dear, he’s living with Barbara.” She laughed.

     “Not anymore he doesn’t.” I replied.

     “I think I’d know if my own son had split up with Barbara thank you very much.” She said as she became more hostile. “And how old did you say you were again?”

     “Nineteen.”

     “Really? It’s just that you don’t look a day over fifteen. Please dear god tell me you’re at least sixteen.”

     “I’m nineteen.” I insisted.

     “Then what’s your date of birth dear?”

My date of birth? I searched my brain for my date of birth but it shut down due to fear and denied me access. I only had to minus three years from my actual date of birth and I’d have wriggled out of the situation.

     “It’s just that you don’t appear too sure dear that’s all. Why don’t you give me your mums’ number and I’ll give her a ring.”

     “I’ve left home,” I told her, “and I’m not going back there.”

     “What?” she raised the volume of her voice a little, “this is wrong. If you’re nineteen then why can’t you tell me your date of birth?”

     “It was my birthday yesterday.” I replied.

     “That isn’t what I asked. What year were you born?”

She could tell I was making it up and trying to bide my time for Bernie to come back. I couldn’t bare the questions and eventually, I told her the truth, I was sixteen. I felt so ashamed of my age.

     I heard Bernie whistling as he came through the kitchen but the whistling stopped as he saw their faces.

     “I need to speak to you in private,” she said as she directed him towards the kitchen and slammed the door behind them. Then the shouting started.

Bernie’s dad hadn’t said a word to me since I arrived, he sat opposite in a big armchair that held his weight and he stared directly at my face.

     “So how long has this been going on for?” He asked me.

I didn’t give him an answer because as far as I was concerned, I didn’t have to. He was just a stranger to me.

     “I mean, how old were you when this all started? Were you underage?” He smiled sickeningly from behind his large framed glasses.

Nothing could have prepared me for what he said next.

     “Like older men do you? He lowered his voice, “Then how about sorting out an old man like me? I’ll pay you.”

I felt disgusting and about two
feet tall at that moment. This disgusting fat bastard sat opposite me grinning wildly while he put his hand down the front of his trousers to touch himself.

     “You can come round here anytime you want.  She doesn’t understand me you see. But I’ll look after you, don’t you worry about that.”

I ignored him. He hid behind the fact he was a pensioner so there’s nothing really I could do. If I told Bernie, he probably wouldn’t believe me.

     “Don’t you worry, you’ll never have to look at me again because I’m going,” shouted Bernie as he stormed back into the room.

     “Come on, we’re off. We’re not wanted around here.” He said to me and I was just glad to be getting out of there.

I followed him out of the living room and back through the kitchen as he yelled more abuse at his mum. His dad followed behind me and ran his fingers up and down my back until his fingers stopped on my backside.

His mum was crying and pleaded him to do the right thing and go back to Barbara, but he callously told her to stick it.

I felt as though his dad tainted me when he touched me as I could feel it for a long time afterwards, almost like he’d left a scar. There was an actual physical sensation of
coldness on my back for a while after.

     Bernie was in a foul mood as we drove back to the caravan and didn’t speak a word to me until we pulled up outside. I was overwhelmed with anxiety. At least when my dad was angry with me, I knew what to expect.

     “Why didn’t you tell them you were nineteen like I said?” His voice was calm but he didn’t look at me.

     “I did but she kept asking me questions.”

     “She?” he shouted, “That ‘she’ you’re referring to is my mother, I fucking told you what to say if they asked you. It wasn’t difficult was it?”

His face was frozen in an expression I’d never seen before and it scared me.

     “Your mum wouldn’t believe
me; I really tried to tell her.”

     “Well you didn’t try hard enough then did you because she’s at home crying now, they want nothing to do with me and it’s all your fucking fault because you don’t do as you’re told.”

I hung my head in shame and didn’t know what to say.

     “Is it because your own parents don’t want you anymore, is that it? Are you that bitter and twisted that you’d try to destroy my relationship with my own parents? Is this your way of punishing me little girl?”

I shook my head as I sobbed.

     “I made a mistake bringing you here, you’ve only been here two days and already you’ve turned my life upside down on its arse. I’m taking you back to your parents.”

I pleaded with him not to take me back; I couldn’t go back living there. I imagined their faces if I were to turn up on the door step, my life would be unbearable. I cried hysterically until I almost hyperventilated and finally he agreed I could stay.

     “Just don’t play your fucking games with me you little bitch because you’ll see a whole different side of me and you won’t like it.”

He pushed my head with force and it slammed into the passenger window. I didn’t dare check whether the warm sensation on my face was blood, but the taste confirmed it when it reached my mouth.

He sat quietly for a minute as he collected his thoughts.

     “And what did my dad have to say about it all when I was in the kitchen?” He studied my face.

I froze up when he mentioned his dad. I wouldn’t be able to tell him what happened because he’d be furious. I started to cry again.

     “You fucking tell me what he said. Did he try it on with you?”

Then it clicked that this had probably happened before; why else would he have mentioned something so specific? Before I could say another word he lost his temper again.

     “Well fucking answer me.” He shouted.

I nodded my head.

     “I knew it, I just knew it. Every bloody time.”

Before I could say anything, he walked into the house and called his parents.

     “Yes it’s me. I don’t care if you don’t want to talk to me; I suggest you put Dad on the phone now.”

He paused.

     “I couldn’t care less if he doesn’t want to talk to me. Tell him if he doesn’t come to the phone now then I’ll just have to get you to repeat everything back to him.”

After another pause the tone of his voice changed. It was cold and calculated.

     “You disgusting old bastard,” he spat, “You couldn’t help yourself could you? You’ve been doing this to me for years.” He paused and gave me an icy stare. “You’ll be lucky if I don’t tell Mum what you’re really like. It’d kill her you know that? I’m not going to but it’s for her, not you. You’re dead to me do you understand?”

Then he slammed down the phone and it bounced off its rest.

     “You,” he said as he pointed at me, “you just stay out of my way tonight or you’ll regret it.”

He walked into the bedroom and the walls rattled as he slammed the door.

I slept on one of the plastic garden chairs that night.