Disasterology 101 (48 page)

He found Kevin peeling apples and oranges. Focused as he was on his lover, Cedric barely noticed when Brianna and TK sat next to Ava in the kitchen nook, but he was relieved. Other than the center piece and the table, there wasn’t anything else they could get their germs on.

“What are you doing?” Cedric asked as he washed his hands.

“They’re hungry again,” Kevin muttered. “They’ve had lots of junk food already, so I’m feeding them some fruit.”

Cedric grabbed a few bananas, a melon, a knife, and a big bowl and set everything on the countertop. “I meant,” he said under his breath, “what are you doing here?”

“I told you I’d try to stop by, didn’t I?”

“After dropping off the kids,” Cedric reminded him quietly. He didn’t want to lose his bearings, and he didn’t want the kids overhearing their conversation. “You never said you’d bring them along.” Hard as he tried, he couldn’t understand why Kevin had. He should’ve known better than to catch Cedric by surprise.

“I didn’t think I had to.” Kevin sliced up a few bananas, dumped them in the big bowl, and reached for an apple. “It’s been a rough day, and I needed to get away from….” He hesitated, as if he wasn’t quite sure what he needed to get away from.

Cedric watched him peel off the apple’s skin and waited him out. Not because he was all that interested in whatever Kevin couldn’t say, but because he needed time to control himself. He had to put his months of training and therapy to good use, and stay put. Fight off the feeling of doom currently threatening to swallow him whole.

For the first time since meeting Kevin he was genuinely angry with him. He had a nagging suspicion Kevin’s impromptu visit was some kind of test, and he felt… ambushed.

Betrayed.

The one person he needed to have his back no matter what had set him up for failure, and Cedric didn’t know what to make out of that.

“You needed to get away from what?” he asked when the silence became suffocating. His voice was louder than he intended, and he sounded grumpy and ungracious, but considering how upset he was, he couldn’t have avoided that.

“The cluster fuck my life has become since I showed up at the hospital with you.”

So that’s the way it was going to be, then. Kevin was cranky, and feeling off-kilter, and one need not be a genius to figure out he’d somehow decided it was all Cedric’s fault.

“I’m sorry if my presence complicated things for you, but it isn’t like you intended to stay in the closet. This would’ve happened sooner or later,” he said in a clipped tone, well on his way to getting annoyed, but melting a little when a quick glance at the kids earned him three identical grins. “That doesn’t explain why you brought the kids, though.” As much as he liked them, wanted to be able to spend time with them, and hoped to one day be their official stepfather, the truth was he wasn’t quite ready for any of it yet. It’d take time for him to get used to their presence, and having them practically dumped in his lap wasn’t the best way to start.

Kevin leaned over, placed the hand holding the knife on the countertop, and the other on Cedric’s waist. Their gazes locked, and Cedric held his breath.

“Wasn’t it just yesterday you said we can’t keep my roles apart? I’m spending my weekend with the kids, but I was having a hard time, and I needed to see my lover,” Kevin said in a falsely innocent tone. “So here I am… with my children in tow.”

There was no mistaking the challenge in Kevin’s voice. His tone was soft and nonchalant, but the intense shine in the dark blue depths of his eyes dared Cedric to complain. To say it wasn’t okay to show up unannounced. Cedric would have done just that but then he’d have sounded like he was talking out of his arse the prior day.

“What?” Kevin asked. “Do you have a problem with me being father and lover at the same time? Have you changed your mind?”

Cedric shook his head, and took a deep breath. He felt dizzy, and his stomach ached.

Kevin scoffed. “Jenny and Will were visiting his mother in Long Island. They’re stopping by to pick up the kids on their way home.”

Thank God
.

Cedric broke eye contact and rubbed his stomach. He walked around Kevin, bit his tongue, and grabbed a pack of almonds and nuts before he got a few plates from the cupboard.

He wanted to hide in his bedroom.

He wanted to scream, because Kevin wasn’t being fair to him.

Cedric had no idea what had triggered Kevin’s attitude, but he didn’t like it at all. He’d gone from being considerate to behaving like a total prick, slicing apples and melons like he didn’t have a care in the world, and mindless of the painful blow he’d delivered. That man wasn’t
his
bloke, and Cedric was going barmy trying to understand what the bloody hell was going on.

He considered asking Kevin to leave. Dealing with the fact that there were kids spreading their germs all over his flat was difficult enough. It took a good amount of will power and energy to not freak out, and the last thing he needed was Kevin’s issues added to the mix. It was almost impossible to handle both things at the same time.

But he couldn’t do that. This wasn’t the time to be a selfish sod. He had to prevail over his condition. Put on his big boy knickers, and be strong for his man. Kevin had said he needed to see him, and Cedric had to focus on that.

He tuned out the kids’ chatter, inhaled deeply, and exhaled slowly. He kept taking deep belly breaths until his vision cleared up, and his nausea abated. His brain still felt like it wanted to pop out of his skull, but at least his heart had stopped racing.

That was good.

He couldn’t let his world get smaller. He couldn’t have an anxiety attack in front of Kevin and the kids. He’d die if they saw him pulling his hair, and crying like a babe as he lost his shit over things they couldn’t comprehend.

He took some fruit, and started filling up the plates with more attention than really needed, then almost jumped out of his skin when he heard someone sneeze.

“Daddy, Ava needs some tissues,” Brianna said.

“Gross,” TK mocked.

Kevin grabbed a few paper towels and made quick work of Ava’s hands and snotty nose. Cedric hid behind the kitchen island, recoiling at the viruses he could practically see multiplying on the breakfast nook, and trying not to throw up.

“I’m getting’ a yucky cold, Daddy,” Ava said in a teary voice. “I don’t feel good.”

Cedric turned around and ran to his bedroom. He needed to get out of his clothes before he counted to thirty.

He took a shower, put on clean sweats, and three layers of shirts. He added a beanie and his full leather gloves, then took them off and scrubbed his face, neck and hands with sanitizer before putting them on again. He was about to add a scarf to his ensemble for good measure when he spotted Kevin standing by the door.

“Don’t come inside,” Cedric snapped. He didn’t want Kevin anywhere near him right now.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Kevin growled in response.

Cedric wrapped the scarf around his neck, and walked out of his bedroom, closing the door firmly behind him. “Where are the kids?”

“Gone.”

“What?”

“Jenny and Will got here right after they’d finished eating their fruit,” Kevin explained. “I saw them off a while ago.”

Gone…
“Bollocks.” And he didn’t even get to say goodbye. He’d have to phone them and apologize. “Did you clean the kitchen table?” he asked on his way to the staircase. “Never mind. I’ll do it myself.” The thought of doing it made his stomach turn, but leaving every surface in his kitchen covered in viruses and bacteria was a hundred times worse. He had to clean the table, the piano, and the living room windows too. He had to scrub every surface as soon as he could, then he’d clean the rest of his flat. Just in case.

“Can we talk for a minute?”

“Later,” Cedric grunted. “After I’ve disinfected everything.”

Kevin grabbed him by the elbow, and Cedric jumped three feet in the air.

“Babe—”

“Don’t touch me!” He smacked the intrusive hand away, but instead of letting him go, Kevin tightened his hold on Cedric’s arm, and dragged him to his bedroom.

“Calm down,” Kevin said curtly as he switched on the light. “I did the dishes, and took a shower before coming to get you.”

Huh.

For the first time Cedric noticed Kevin’s hair was wet, and he was wearing a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.

“I need to go disinfect everything,” Cedric repeated.

“It can wait, Cedric,” Kevin snapped. “
You
can wait. You’re stronger than this.”

Cedric glared at Kevin. “If you think germs are the reason why I don’t want your hands on me right now, you’re bloody mistaken.” Cedric rescued his arm, grabbed a pillow, and walked to the other side of the bed, but admitted Kevin was right. He had made enough progress with his treatment. Now that
he
was clean, the disinfecting could wait for a while, and he wouldn’t suffer an anxiety attack.

Kevin leaned against the doorframe and folded his arms over his chest. “What’s the reason, then?”

He sounded exhausted, and looked like he could use a drink, a hot shower, and a back rub. Any other day Cedric would’ve offered to give it to him, but at the moment he didn’t care that his lover was troubled or knackered or whatever the hell he was. Kevin’s decision of bringing the kids had put Cedric in a situation he couldn’t win, and he was incapable of getting past that fact.

“Like you have to ask?” he barked.

Kevin cracked his neck, and rubbed his right shoulder with his hand. “You were fine with the kids the other day, so I thought I’d—”

“Bring them here and find out if I could do it again?” he hissed, his eyes fixed on Kevin’s pale face. “Test my limits? Set me up and watch me fail?”

Kevin’s face lost its color. His jaw tightened, and his nostrils flared. He shifted his weight. Fisting his hands, he swallowed hard, then regarded Cedric with somber eyes.

“You… you… bloody… dickhead… wanker… son of a bitch!” Cedric buried his face in the pillow, and screamed his rage and confusion into it along with a few more epithets. Then he threw it back on the bed when he breathed in Kevin’s scent. The way he felt at the moment, he’d rather pass out from lack of air. A second later he grabbed it again, and placed it where it belonged. “I can’t believe you did this to me. I really can’t.” He rearranged the rest of the pillows, straightened out the duvet, and did a double-take in Kevin’s direction. He was morbidly satisfied when Kevin gulped, and looked away.

“I’m sorry,” Kevin said, dropping onto a chair in the room. He looked like he’d aged ten years in the past two minutes as he stared at the wall behind Cedric with bloodshot eyes. “I really wanted to see you,” he added softly. “That wasn’t a lie. But I admit I also thought having the kids over would drive you crazy, and that didn’t make me change my mind.”

The admission almost knocked Cedric flat on his arse.

He’d been right.

The man he was in love with had made a conscious decision that had the potential of setting Cedric back months in his treatment.

He broke eye contact, and counted to thirty. His mouth was dry, and his head was pounding. There was a fluttering surge of fear in his heart, and tension was building inside him like a deadly wave he couldn’t stop.

He wanted to scream, and maybe even land a few punches right in the middle of Kevin’s handsome face. He counted to thirty yet again, and forced himself to analyze Kevin’s actions instead of letting his emotions rule his actions and words.

“Why?” He asked as he paced in front of the bed, amazed that even though he was shaking inside, his voice came out cool and steady. “Is it because I snapped at Ava the other night? Are you trying to make a point?”

Kevin gripped his knees, and shook his head, but he didn’t say a word.

“From the moment we met you’ve gone out of your way to help me, and been supportive and encouraging, but now you’re… what? What is it that you’re doing? I don’t understand what’s happening, Kevin. I really don’t.”