Divine Phoenix (12 page)

* * * *

Lily had no choice but to wait in line at the post office, adding to her anxiety and delaying her arrival home. Dried leaves blew all around her and the first fat droplets of rain splattered on her windshield as she pulled up in front of the house. Thunder rumbled distantly as she looked out the window and then forced herself to not think about it anymore, to just make a run for the front door. If she overthought it, she’d still be sitting out there when Clay got home.

She knew it was an unreasonable fear because the thunder and lightning were still many miles distant, but she was scared nonetheless. Grateful that the rain had at least waited until after she’d dropped off the packages, she grabbed her purse, climbed from her car, and ran to the porch.

Inside, once her hands had stopped shaking, she chopped vegetables for a salad and mixed all the ingredients for a chicken and rice casserole. When it was in the oven, she changed into her workout clothes and jumped on the trainer. The casserole needed an hour so she had enough time for an audio lecture and a chapter in her sociology textbook. She set her timer and let it rip.

At the rate she was going with her classes and her sessions on the trainer, she’d reach her educational and weight loss goals in no time. Her life was going in a completely new direction, and she was so excited about the possibilities that there were now actually nights where she had trouble sleeping. Thoughts about being so actively involved in Clay’s business kept the wheels of her mind churning. Very often, a burgeoning awareness of Clay himself as an attractive man and not just her close friend also caused her sleeplessness. She always put the time to good use and studied or worked out and was grateful that the elliptical machine was nearly silent in its operation.

A while later, she heard the front door close. “Lily! I’m home! Something smells good.” A few seconds later the voice was closer. “Here you are.”

Lily removed the earbuds of her MP3 player from her ears and held on to the rails as she turned to look at him.

His gaze drifted over the body-hugging white tank top she’d changed into and beyond to the snug, black yoga pants she wore. The outfit was a first for her, comprised of two pieces that didn’t overlap much at all to hide her big ass. It was all out there, like it or not. He shifted his eyes up to hers, so she caught a glimpse of the desire flickering there before he shuttered them again.

It had embarrassed her the first time she’d caught him watching her on the elliptical machine. She was nowhere near her goal weight, but she felt much better about herself now than she had during that first week or two, and she didn’t try to hide her body under baggy, unattractive clothing the way she once had. At the moment, he was staring pretty hard at her rear end. It didn’t embarrass her anymore. If she was honest with herself, she liked having his eyes on her.

Because of her issues and goals, she’d closed the door pretty tightly on the possibility of a relationship, at least in her own mind she had. She knew where Clay stood…or where he had
said
he stood. She had a feeling he’d put high boundaries in place for her benefit, not his.

She recognized the look in his eyes, but it didn’t scare her the way JT had scared her. In fact, she was very aware of the way her body was responding to his gaze as her pussy softened and trembled with arousal. His gaze made her feel sexy, an altogether foreign sensation for her. If that look had been in JT’s eyes, she would have felt like a trapped animal caught in the crosshairs. The timer dinged, breaking the spell.

“H–Hi,” she stammered as she slowed on the machine and came to a stop. “Supper should be ready to take out of the oven.” She removed the player and marked the place in her textbook then took the hand he offered to help her down. Her right knee twinged when she stepped from the machine, but she was distracted from it as she looked up at him. Heat suffused her cheeks and chest as he stared at the expanses of exposed skin on her shoulders and above her neckline. “Everything okay?”

Clay blinked a couple of times and then smiled good-naturedly as he measured his words, hesitated, then finally said, “You made it home before the rain?”

Lily nodded, appreciating the fact that he didn’t make fun of her fear of storms. “The rain arrived at the house right when I did.”

“You’re not going to believe who I heard from,” he said, tucking a stray lock of her hair behind her ear, reminding her of her intention to get it cut soon. She’d meant to get a referral from Emma or Grace but hadn’t done it yet. In the last few weeks she’d come to count both women as friends and not just acquaintances.

“Who?”

“Del. He’s back in the States. He said he should arrive home late tonight.”

Hot damn!
“Oh, no! In the middle of the storm? Poor guy. But that’s wonderful news!” Lily was so happy for him she hugged him and then remembered she was all sweaty. “Oh, sorry. I’m yucky,” she said as she pulled away.

Clay gave her a sideways grin. “Not hardly, Lil.” His hand stayed put on her hip, which she tried unsuccessfully to ignore.

“Is he staying here tonight?”

Clay chuckled and shook his head. “It’s a good thing he’s used to roughing it. I told him he could stay here, but he said he’s going straight to the ranch. He sounded pretty happy that you’re here, by the way. He wants to take you to lunch tomorrow. I’ll even let you have the afternoon off if you’d like to spend some time getting caught up.”

“Gee! Thanks, boss!” She called him “boss” teasingly at times, but Lily was beginning to see him less and less as boss. Truth be told, she was beginning to hope for something more.

The obstacles between them, her obvious need to lose weight and the damned tattoo, reared their ugly heads again. She was saving absolutely every extra penny she had so she could afford it when she made her choice about how to handle the monstrosity JT had inflicted on her.

They enjoyed the meal together and then watched their favorite shows. Clay was understanding when Lily took a Benadryl capsule and went to bed early, hoping that would help her sleep the night through. It didn’t.

Lily gradually became aware of the fist holding her hair tightly, pulling against her scalp. The hand shook with anger, and she gasped in fear.

He found me. Oh, God, help me!

Her heartbeat pounded in her ears, and she couldn’t quell her whimpers of fear as she felt the cold steel of a gun barrel press against her right ear. It was so cold, it almost stung. The sounds emitting from her throat were like a wounded animal’s, and she bit her lip in an attempt to stifle them.

If she was going to die, she wasn’t going to do it begging. That was exactly what JT wanted. He wanted to hear her debase herself, like she had before, only this time he’d actually kill her. He would reason that she’d pushed him too far. Her heartbeat pounded like a drum thundering in a driving cadence. The gun barrel pressed harder, mercilessly, against her ear.

He said one word. “Beg.”

Through gritted teeth she ground out, “No.”

Instead of saying any more, he only pressed the gun to her ear and waited, to draw out the torture. He knew if he waited long enough, she’d break. The waiting would drive her to insanity. She cringed tighter and shook harder with each passing second until—

Boooom!

Lily screamed along with the terrifying sound, and then realized she was still moving, still alive. She looked around in the dark room. She was alone.

Another nightmare
.

Light flashed across the windowpanes, making the room as bright as the sunniest day. The crash that followed a fraction of a second later scared her so badly she nearly wet her pants. She dropped to the floor and slid under the bed, looking around. She pressed her face to the pine floorboards as another bolt of lightning flashed across the sky.

Boooom!

She scrabbled out from under the bed, nearly dove into her closet, but instead slipped out of the bedroom door on all fours and crawled down the hall. She froze every time the lightning zipped across the sky, stuffing a fist into her mouth so she wouldn’t scream again.

Without hesitation, she slipped through the wide open door to Clay’s bedroom. She knew her fear was irrational, but she couldn’t be alone right now. It would drive her crazy. Her fear overrode his opinion of her weakness in this moment. Hoping he would understand, she crawled to his bed.

Being as careful and quiet as she could, Lily snuck under the covers and moved as close as she dared without actually touching him. Close enough to feel his body heat that had seeped into the mattress.

Please, help me!

God, please don’t let him think I’m crazy.

Lily pulled the covers over her head. Unable to see the flashes of light, she had no warning for the terrifying peals of thunder. She trembled with fear, powerless to contain it. The bed shifted, and suddenly she felt his warm hands on her back and shoulders.

In a sleepy, gravelly voice, he said, “Come ’ere, Lily.” His tone was comforting as he rolled to his back and pulled her to his side. He pressed his lips against her temple and stroked the hair from her face and her shoulder. His touch was gentle, communicating his understanding.

Thunder blasted and shook the ground and the very air in her lungs, and she broke down in sobs, feeling like she was losing her mind. He turned toward her and made soothing sounds as he wrapped his arms around her tightly. He pulled the blanket high so it shielded her from the brightest of the lightning flashes and murmured in her ear.

“Did it scare you?” He didn’t ask as if he were talking to a little girl. “I checked on you earlier and you seemed to be sleeping through it.”

“I–I had a n–n–nightmare. I’m s–sorry I woke you.” Her jaw was clenched so tight it ached. She tried to relax her tense muscles and couldn’t because each new peal of thunder made her tremble even harder.

“Easy, Lily. I’m here. I’m going to keep you safe. I’m not letting you go or making you leave. You’re staying here with me until the storm is over. So, it was another nightmare?” When she nodded affirmatively, he said, “Tell me.”

She felt his intake of breath when she described the horrific dream to him. “Had he ever held a gun to your head like that and made you beg before?”

Her whisper was lost in the sound of the rain lashing against the windowpane. “Yes.”

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he whispered and pressed his lips to her hair again. His body heat seeped into her fingertips, and she realized she was holding on to him for dear life. She relaxed her grip, but he never let go of his fierce hold on her. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

Tears leaked from her eyes in a seemingly never-ending flow.

“Lily, storms always frightened you but I don’t recall you being quite
this
scared when we were little. Did something else happen? You’re terrified, baby.” He squeezed her, reinforcing that he had a hold of her. “Tell me.”

“J–JT discovered my fear of storms and thought I was weak and needed to face my fears.”

Clay let loose with a juicy curse and then apologized. “Sorry. That’s probably not helpful to hear.”

“One storm, about eight years ago, was particularly violent and he realized just how badly they freak me out. I tried to hide my fear but he noticed. We were in the truck on the way home from Christmas at his folks’ house. We…” Her breath left her in a rush, and she swallowed a couple of times before she could speak again. “We were still two miles from our house.”

“Oh, no, baby.”

“He pushed me out in the rain, lightning, and thunder. It was late on Christmas night. No one was on the road. He made me…walk home.”

“Lily, I’m so sorry. You could’ve been struck by lightning.”

“I think I nearly was, once or twice. My choices were to curl up in a ditch or keep moving. I knew he wouldn’t come get me. I…”

“What, Lily?”

Lily fingered a scar on her palm as she continued. “I crawled part of the way home, to stay closer to the ground. I’ve n–never been so scared in my life. I reexperienced that every time it stormed, but while I lived with him, I
never
let him see how much it scared me ever again. No matter what. He was very proud of curing me. If he’d known, he would’ve done it to me all over again. All that has been building up for years, I guess.”

His lips were gentle, consoling her with light strokes on her forehead and her temple, kissing the scar on her hand which she’d injured on a broken bottle while trying to get home that night. His caresses mirrored on her body what he did with his mouth.

She still jumped with each flash of lightning and peal of thunder, but she felt her center began to calm. The tight knot in her stomach loosened, and for the first time in years she felt marginally relaxed in the middle of a lightning storm. His body heat soaked through her flannel pajamas, into every part of her that was pressed against him, and she finally realized he was bare everywhere she touched him. His skin was hot, firm over his muscles and smooth under her fingertips.

Clay distracted her from her discovery when he asked, “Lily, what happened?”

“I don’t understand your question.”

“The girl I once knew would kick someone’s ass for picking on someone littler than them. How did you wind up with him?”

Isn’t it obvious?
“Look at me, Clay. My options dwindled over the years.”

“Look at you? I’ve been looking at you. Any man would get hard as a rock looking at you. That’s why I don’t understand. The fire inside you…where did it go?”

The languor that had stolen over her receded as thoughts of JT resurfaced. “He killed it. But it’s my fault. I liked that he took control at first. Sick as it sounds, I enjoyed turning control over to him. He decided one day we would get married. I looked in the mirror and thought ‘This is as good as it gets.’” She didn’t want pity from Clay, but he’d been encouraging her to talk honestly about what had happened to her.

Clay hugged her and said, “Judging by what you’ve told me and what I’ve seen of the bastard, he took sadistic delight in controlling
and
hurting you. What he did to you, the emotional and physical abuse he heaped on you, no one expects you to deal with that on your own. Have you made an appointment with the counselor Emma recommended yet?”

“No. I can’t afford it right now. I need to save as much money as I can for the house. I’ve been putting it off until…”

“Until what, baby? Until you break down completely? It’s likely that you have PTSD. Anybody would who had lived under those sorts of conditions. There’s no shame in seeking help, and I want the best for you.
I’ll
pay for the counseling if you’ll go.”

Lily smiled briefly, thinking Clay knew she’d never accept charity when she was able-bodied and could earn the money to pay for a doctor.

“I have a list of financial priorities and it’s farther down the list.”

“How frequent are your nightmares?” She hesitated, probably giving the answer away. “Be honest, baby.” His use of that endearment was undermining her efforts to see him as just her friend. The way it slipped off his tongue with greater frequency was very distracting.

“Every night,” she whispered, wishing she could say otherwise. He didn’t have to say another word, just let a long sigh slip from his lips. “All right. You have a good point.”

“And you’re not sleeping as much as you should, are you?”

Lily shrugged. “Sometimes when I wake from the nightmares I can’t go back to sleep. I have to do something. I can’t just lie in bed counting sheep, so I study.” She didn’t dare say she also utilized that time for extra workouts on the trainer. The machine was so quiet, often she doubled up studying at night with working out.

Sometimes it helped to tire her out so she could sleep, other times it just revved her up and didn’t allow her to go back to sleep at all. Being motivated to complete her online courses as quickly as possible and lose weight probably contributed to her wonky sleep habits.

“You’ll call Doctor Walker tomorrow?” His question was punctuated by a great flash and nearly simultaneous blast of thunder.

“Yes!”
she cried as she jumped, suddenly tense again. “Yes,” she repeated in a more normal voice. The storm had slowed for a few minutes but seemed to pick up in intensity again, the rain lashing against the window in a hissing rush. “I’ll call her tomorrow.”

Clay squeezed her. “Good. And, Lily,” he murmured as he brushed the long locks of her hair away from her face and her shoulders, “I’ll never,
ever
push you out into a storm,
no matter what.
” She melted against him, embarrassed that she’d needed that verbal reassurance.

Lily shifted in his arms, getting more comfortable, and closed her eyes, focusing on his body heat permeating her flannel pajamas. She stilled when she felt the stiff ridge of his cock against her inner thigh, and her body reacted ferociously, arousal igniting a deep ache in her pussy.

Just for tonight she wished she could give in to the feelings she denied concerning him. He was her friend…and her boss. She didn’t want to chance destroying that relationship on a whim, but there was no denying that she wanted him.

Clay’s warm lips pressed against her cheekbone, and she became aware of his strong hands stroking her. He’d been holding her very close the whole time they’d talked. Now he was silent, but his hands spoke volumes as he wrapped his arms around her, anchoring her to him.

He stroked her shoulder with one hand and the other hand traveled up and down her ribcage and her back. Little shivers zinged up her spine as his fingertips deliberately caressed in a sweeping arc from her shoulder blade to the top of her ass. She stifled a groan and bit her lip when her pussy quivered as though his touch had a direct line to that part of her. On the next pass of his hand, her head fell back and he took advantage, pressing lingering kisses to the column of her throat. A soft whimper escaped her lips.

Clay whispered, “I don’t know why he treated such a precious, loving woman so cruelly. I’d be obsessed with caring for you…Loving you.”

“Clay,” she murmured, placing her hands on his shoulders to stop him as he rolled her to her back. The broad expanse of his shoulders and torso blocked the flashes of lightning as his lips descended to hers. His first touch was gentle, tentative as he brushed against her, sending another flurry of tingles down her spine as they shared a breath.

She spoke before her dwindling resistance fled completely. “Clay, you’re my boss. We shouldn’t. I’m not—I’m…”
Your friend. Your employee. Not what you need. Not whole. In love with you.

“You’re…beautiful. Strong. Caring. What I want. What I need.”

She clutched his shoulders to stop him as he pressed tender kisses to her collarbone. Did he know how that spot sent a jolt of pure lust through her center, straight to her clit? “No, Clay. I’m too much work. I’m…damaged.”

Clay made a negative sound in his throat and persisted, his lips creating a tingling path up to her ear. Her resistance to his spell fled when she shifted and her flannel-covered leg slid against the bare, naked flesh of his thigh and buttocks.

“You’re
naked
,” she squeaked and felt foolish for pointing out the obvious.

Lily could hear the amusement in his voice when he replied, “Every night.” His breath left him in a quiet rush as her small movements accidentally pressed her mound against his steely cock. “I’ll stop if you want me to, Lily, but the truth is I want you. I want to make you feel good. I want to make it better.”

He didn’t persist in his advances, didn’t take what he wanted regardless of her desires, and Lily was unsure what to do. She bit her lip.