Dom X - The Complete Box Set: Alpha Male Romance (23 page)

I
wanted to pace
. Throw things. Hit something. Someone. I had too much adrenaline, too much negative energy flooding my system. I felt like I was about to explode.

What happened last night was one of the best things that'd ever happened to me. Coming on the heels of one of the worst, it'd made for a beyond-confusing morning. When I woke up, I had Nori in my arms, and for a few surreal seconds, I thought I'd had some sort of strange waking dream. That there was no way Nori and I had slept together.

Then she'd snuggled closer, pressing her face against my chest, and I'd felt her breath even through my t-shirt. I'd kept it on all night, pulling on a pair of boxers when I'd gotten up at some point. She'd still been naked though, and I'd been able to feel every curve of her delicious body.

Hell, I could almost feel her now.

I clenched my hands into fists and tried not to think about the way she felt last night. The way she tasted. I still heard the sounds she made. Feel the tight heat of being inside her.

It was better than anything I'd ever imagined, and that was saying something.

When I realized our night together hadn't been a dream, my first thought had automatically been to wake her up by exploring every inch of her with my mouth. I'd wanted it – wanted her – so badly that it hurt.

But then all of the doubts started flooding in. Doubts over whether or not I'd taken advantage of Nori's sympathy, used the father's death to make her more susceptible to what I wanted. Doubts about just how much I'd pushed her.

Doubts about myself, I could've handled, but then came the doubts about Nori, and her reasons. Had she just thought it would be a good way to take my mind off of things?

Or had I just been a pity fuck?

And that was the thought that had gotten me out of bed.

I hadn't been able to look myself in the mirror, and before I returned to the bedroom, I made sure that Nori wasn’t able to look at me either.

When she left – when I finally chased her away – I closed my eyes and let it all come crashing down on me. Father O'Toole dying. Looking at the pill bottle and the tequila, trying to decide what to do.

Nori.

Kissing her.

Making love to her.

And it was that thought that broke me. The
l
word. I hadn't let myself think it before, but I'd known it for a while.

I'd fallen for her.

And I was scared shitless.

I'd grown up with an abusive asshole of a father. Worked for a drug dealer. Turned on the same dealer. Spent time in juvenile detention. Lost my mother and sister. Nearly been beaten to death. I'd survived tours in some of the most dangerous places on earth. I'd even survived nearly being crushed and burned alive.

But the thought of having to face off with my true feelings for Nori frightened me more than any of those things.

That didn't stop me from being furious with myself for how I'd talked to her. Not that it really surprised me. I'd lashed out at her before when things had gotten confusing for me. I'd never been the nicest guy in the world, but since the accident, I'd pretty much become an asshole with occasional bouts of semi-humanity.

I went over to the bed and sat down on the edge. With a sigh, I flopped back onto the bed.

Shit. My sheets still smelled like her.

I’d have to do a load of laundry before Kipp got here. Technically, Father O'Toole hired Nori to do these chores, but there was no way I could ask her to do that. I was pretty sure she didn't want any reminders of our lone night together. Even if she hadn't pitied me before, there was no way she'd ever forgive me for what I'd said. The best I could hope for would be a return to a tentative employer / employee relationship.

B
y the time Kipp arrived
, I was hot, uncomfortable, and in an even worse mood than before. Even though I'd managed to avoid Nori for the past couple hours, I'd kept the sweatshirt on. I supposed, in some way, it was a sort of penance I was making myself pay for what I’d done.

Of course, the word
penance
made me think of the father. He'd never pushed his beliefs on me, but I knew enough to understand some of the practices. The only one that ever really appealed to me was penance. Paying a price for sin before forgiveness or redemption could be offered. And, of course, there were always those sins that couldn't be forgiven. I couldn't remember what those were called, but I was pretty sure at least one of the things I'd done in my life counted, maybe more than one.

Father O'Toole's face flashed in front of my eyes. The loss of him hit me fresh. Even as awkward as it would be to talk about my night with Nori, the father was exactly who I would've gone to about this. I would've wanted to know what he thought about why she'd slept with me. What he thought I should do about the stupid things I'd said.

He would've given me that exasperated look that he always gave me. Called me
kid
like he always did. Then he would've told me what I should do, what the right words were to fix all of this. He would've told me to go after her, to tell her how I felt. To fight for her.

I wanted to fight for her. That was part of the problem. I'd always been a fighter, even when it was a bad idea. I was pretty sure that's what'd scared the father so badly back in Texas, that I'd given up instead of wanting to fight. And I knew that was the real reason Father O'Toole brought her to Philadelphia.

To give me something to fight for.

Part of me almost felt like I owed it to him to do that.

But I knew I wasn't good for her, and how could I fight when I knew it would hurt the very person I was fighting for?

So the best thing I could do would be to leave her alone.

Even if it was killing me to do it.

I heard the doorbell and considered not even bothering to go down to answer it. Kipp had a key for exactly that reason. By the time I made up my mind to venture down, I heard the door opening and knew he was on his way. I yanked the hoodie over my head and tossed it on the floor. I was already too hot, and I was in no mood to hear Kipp lecture me about the dangers of overheating.

“Good afternoon,” he called out from the landing, his usual way of announcing himself without commenting on the fact that he'd had to use his key.

“I'm in here,” I called back.

“How're you feeling today?” Kipp said cheerfully as he came into the room. He grinned at me.

Sometimes he reminded me of Zed, the way he smiled all the time. At the moment, however, I wasn't exactly feeling friendly toward anyone.

“Let's just get started,” I snapped.

I felt a twinge of guilt at my behavior, but it was immediately drowned out by everything else I was feeling. There was too much going on for me to add one more thing to it.

“Experiencing any pain or soreness?” Kipp went straight into professionalism.

I shook my head. I had to respect him for not telling me to go fuck myself. Then again, in his line of work, I knew I wasn't the only patient with an attitude he dealt with.

“I'm having a shit day,” I admitted. It wasn't Kipp's fault that everything had gone to hell. “I just want to get this over with. I have a funeral to finish planning.”

Kipp's head jerked around, his eyes wide.

Shit. I'd forgotten that he didn't know. I'd made a couple calls earlier, but only to the father's parish. I hadn't even thought to talk to anyone else.

“Father O'Toole died last night.” My voice was gruff and I felt tears in my eyes. I looked up to get them to go away. A little trick I'd learned as a kid trying to avoid getting smacked for crying.

“Shit, X, I'm sorry.” There was no doubting the sincerity in his words. “I'll go.”

“No.” I shook my head. “I need to get my mind off of things.”

He looked at me for a minute and then nodded. “All right. Let's get started.”

It was a relief to start the familiar stretches and feel the pull of skin. I'd actually forgotten that I'd torn some of the scar tissues since I'd last seen Kipp, but he didn't say anything about the new bandages, just glanced at me and then went back to whatever he was doing on the computer. Updating my files, I supposed.

I didn't mind that he wasn't talking, but I didn't really mind when he started either. He talked about Father O'Toole and how the two of them met when the father was looking for a physical therapist to do some pro bono work at a local shelter. I'd never heard the story before, and I realized how very little I actually knew about a man I'd admired so much.

“He was always a great judge of character,” Kipp said, his voice full of admiration as well as sadness. “It was like some sixth sense with him, knowing who he could trust, what he could trust them with. And he always believed the best.”

I nodded in agreement. The father had certainly always believed the best about me, even when his faith was completely unjustified.

“He definitely hit the mark with Nori,” Kipp continued.

My attention shifted and I lost count of how many curls I'd done with my left arm. “What do you mean?”

Kipp either didn't notice how sharp my question had come out, or he didn't care. “She's a remarkable woman.”

No shit.

I went back to my curls, switching to my right arm. I didn't need to hear Kipp telling me things I already knew.

“Is she coming down?” he asked.

“Don't know,” I grunted. I hadn't thought about it. “She might've thought I'd cancel today.”

“Maybe I'll go up and see how she's doing.”

I dropped the weight with a loud clang. Kipp raised an eyebrow.

“You okay?” he asked.

“My fingers slipped,” I lied. I stood and grabbed a towel from the pile. I wiped my face and tried not to let myself think about why Kipp would want to see Nori.

“Has she made a decision about whether or not she's going to stick around?” he asked.

I shrugged. After what happened between the two of us, I doubted she'd stay, but I didn't want to explain any of that to Kipp.

“Do you know if she has a boyfriend back in Texas?”

I clenched my jaw. I really wasn't liking the direction these questions were going. “She had one,” I said. “But they broke up.”

“Family?”

I turned toward him. “Parents.”

“I know she's only been here a couple weeks,” he continued. “But has she met anyone?”

I couldn't stop myself from asking it this time. “Why do you care?”

He shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. “I was thinking I might ask her out for a drink sometime. Welcome her to the city.”

My hands curled into fists. Of course that was why. I'd known it, but I was hoping I was wrong. After how I'd treated Nori, she'd definitely agree to go. Kipp was everything I wasn't. Educated, employed. Kind. Whole.

“What do you think, X?” Kipp asked. “You've spent a lot of time with her. You think I have a chance?”

“How should I know?” I started to wish I hadn't been such a dick the first week or so Kipp had been around, because then maybe he would've noticed that I didn't like this conversation.

Then again, that might've meant he'd want to know why. Again, not something I wanted to talk about.

“Has she said anything about the kind of guy she likes?”

“You think that's something she'd talk about with me?” I was done for the day, I decided. I didn't feel like doing anything more.

“What about anything else?” Kipp asked. “Any inside information to get in good with her?”

He wasn't out of line, not really. Nothing he was saying was inappropriate. If he'd been talking about any other woman, I wouldn't have had a reaction at all. I probably even would've helped him. I liked the guy.

But I didn't want him anywhere near Nori.

Before I even realized I was doing it, my fist connected with Kipp's jaw.

I
considered staying
upstairs all day, but another part of me knew that would be childish. No matter what happened between X and me last night, I still had a job to do. And no matter how badly he'd behaved this morning, he'd still lost someone he cared about, and I knew all too well what that felt like. I couldn't let him go through that alone.

I was trying to decide the best time and way to approach him again when I heard a car pull in. A glance out the window told me that Kipp was here. It surprised me that he hadn't canceled PT for today. I would've thought he'd be glad of the excuse not to have to do it. Besides, I remembered all too well how much work went into planning a funeral, and there'd be even more since the father had been involved in so many things.

A part of me was grateful to see Kipp was here. When, after a few minutes, X hadn't sent Kipp away, I knew I now had my excuse for going downstairs and seeing how X was doing.

I didn't go right away though. I still hadn't completely recovered from everything that happened since yesterday. I needed to compose myself. So I finally changed out of the robe I'd been moping around in and put on some real clothes. My favorite worn, comfortable jeans. My favorite t-shirt with the dancing cats on it. Maybe a little childish, but I needed comfort, not sex appeal. In fact, sex appeal was the last thing I needed at the moment.

I couldn't think about sex right now. Sex, bad.

Well, not
bad.
Especially not with X. Pretty fucking fantastic was more accurate...

But, no. I couldn't think about last night or sex or anything other than work and helping X take care of things with Father O'Toole.

When I finally managed to pull myself together enough that I was pretty sure I wouldn't fall apart, I headed down the stairs. I was partway down the hall when I heard a strange noise coming from the therapy room.

I'd almost reached the door when it flew open so hard that it hit the wall and bounced back. I stumbled back as X came storming out. He didn't even look at me, but I could feel a whole hell of anger coming from him.

I considered going after him but caught movement out of the corner of my eye.

Shit.

Kipp was on the floor, holding his jaw.

Shit!

I rushed in. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Kipp scowled as he pushed himself off the floor. “Damn, he's got a mean right hook.”

“What the hell happened?” I asked as I went to get him some ice.

“I have no idea.”

I almost believed him. He sounded pretty convincing, after all. But when I turned around to hand him the ice pack, he wouldn't meet my eyes.

“Right,” I said dryly.

Now his eyes darted to me, then closed as he put the ice on his jaw and winced. “He told me about what happened to Father O'Toole. We'll just go with that.”

I glared at him and he finally shrugged.

“I don't know what's going on with the two of you–”

“Nothing,” I said quickly.

He raised an eyebrow. “Maybe you should tell
him
that.”

“Dammit, X,” I muttered as I turned and hurried down the stairs.

I didn't need to hear him in the kitchen to know that's where he'd gone. Considering how hard he'd hit Kipp, X's hand would probably need ice too. And he'd be lucky if I didn't hit him hard enough for him to need more than just one bag.

“What the hell?!” I only barely managed to keep myself from shouting as I stalked into the kitchen.

X was already in the fridge, so the door hid most of him. “What?” The word was sharp, brittle almost.

I stepped around him and yanked open the freezer side of the fridge. When I turned, he was looking at me, a belligerent expression on his face. For a moment, I had a good idea of what he must've looked like as the delinquent teenager he once was.

It wasn't endearing.

“What the hell do you think you're doing, hitting Kipp for no fucking reason?!” I threw the bag of peas at him, almost wishing I’d aimed for his face.

“I had a good reason,” X mumbled as he caught the bag against his chest. He looked down at his hand instead of at me.

“Oh, sorry.” I let the sarcasm practically drip from my words. “Let me rephrase that. What the hell do you think you were doing, hitting Kipp for some 'good' fucking reason?”

“None of your damn business.”

The last thread of control I'd pulled together snapped, and that was it. I was done.

“You know what, X, I'm sick and tired of getting that from you.” I wasn't yelling anymore. I wasn't crying. I was beyond it, but definitely not in a good way. “I tried giving you the benefit of the doubt for being an ass. First because of the accident. Then because of you adjusting to this. Then, last night because...” I let my voice trail off. I couldn't say it. Not even now.

“Nori–”

“No,” I said firmly. “No more half-assed apologies, X. No more excuses or telling me that it's not my business. When I accepted this job, you and your life became my fucking business. Father O'Toole asked me to become a part of this because...” I threw up my hands. “You know what, it doesn't matter. He's gone.”

X didn't even flinch.

I shook my head. “I can't do this. I can't work here anymore.”

I turned and walked away. It was surprisingly easy not to run up the stairs, not to cry. Easier than it had been this morning. I was numb.

And I was through letting that asshole make me cry.