Dom X - The Complete Box Set: Alpha Male Romance (26 page)

M
ost of my life
, I'd considered myself to be unflappable, the sort of person who could take anything life threw at him and not get rattled. It was one of the qualities that served me well in the army. I could be in the middle of a fire-fight and not twitch.

Yet one more thing I apparently lost in the accident. The moment I decided to go after Nori, a knot had settled in my stomach, and it had only grown in the last few hours. Before, I thought I'd known what it meant to be torn, but now I really felt it. I wanted to go after Nori. I needed to. I needed
her
.

But it scared the hell out of me.

I didn't want to leave the house, didn't want to go into public. And I definitely didn't want to go back to Texas.

And yet here I was, parking at the airport, and getting ready to go out into the real world. I scrubbed my palms against my jeans. I was sweating, and it wasn't just because it was July and I was wearing jeans and a hoodie. I'd purchased a ticket online and printed it, so I didn't have to go through that. I was taking only the bare necessities, so I didn't have to check a bag either.

Still, I had to get going, and the prospect of getting in a line full of people, of being scrutinized, it was making me sick.

By the time I boarded the plane, I'd already needed to go to the restroom once and throw up what little I'd managed to eat. My military ID had gotten me more private passage through security, so only a couple of people saw my scars, but the pity I'd seen on their faces was enough to confirm that I didn't want anyone else looking at me.

The best way for me to have accomplished that, however, would've been if I hadn't been heading to Texas dressed like I was going to Alaska. People on the plane looked at me, but that was one of the reasons I'd paid out the nose for a last-minute, first-class ticket rather than taking stand-by in business class. Less crowded and I could keep my face turned toward the window, essentially giving myself a bit of privacy.

It was around four hours to San Antonio, not counting all the waiting around to land. With the time difference and the first scheduled flight not having been until past noon, I'd arrive in Texas in the late afternoon. Unfortunately, that meant I'd be showing up just as the hottest part of the day was ending. If I thought it was uncomfortable now, I knew it'd be much worse when we landed.

I took some Dramamine to help me get through the flight, hoping I wouldn't have to spend the next few hours being so anxious about what I was about to do that I threw up again. The drugs didn't really allow me to sleep, but I did drift a bit, my brain getting fuzzy. I tried not to think about what was coming or what the possibilities were. I could hear people around me talking quietly, but no one disturbed me. I wasn't sure what they thought of me, but at least they left me alone.

When I stepped out into the airport, I pulled my bag over my shoulder and headed for the exit. It wasn't until I was almost there that I realized I had no idea what I was going to do next. I'd kept to the edges, trying to avoid brushing up against anyone or drawing any attention to myself, so when I reached the exit, I took the bench the furthest out of the way and sat down.

All the time I'd spent psyching myself up to come, I never actually thought past what I would do when I was surrounded by so many people. Even now, seeing the crowds heading out to catch taxis or get their rides from whoever they had coming to pick them up, I had to resist the urge to head for a restroom and hide.

“Monster! Freak!” The voices echoed in my ears.

I closed my eyes and tried to push aside the flashes of dreams that had haunted me ever since I made the decision to come back here. They weren't long or violent, but they didn't have to be. They were what I was afraid of, especially when it came to Nori. The fear that people would see the monster I always thought I was.

I took a slow breath and counted to ten. I needed to think clearly, to decide what I was going to do now. I couldn't let flashes of some dream keep me from my goal. The problem was, I didn't know how to go about doing that.

I didn't have Nori's address since I'd only seen her at the hospital, and I doubted she'd be there. No, if she'd come back to Texas this morning, she wouldn't be walking into the hospital to get her job back a few hours later.

The thought of the hospital brought back a different sort of flash. This one, a true flashback.

Pain beyond anything I'd ever felt before. Agony tearing through me. My skin on fire. Except I knew it wasn't on fire anymore, so there wasn't any way to put it out. The burning was on the inside. I was going to be consumed whole, but not before it drove me insane.

I tried to tell myself to snap out of it, that it wasn't real. It was only a memory, and a memory couldn't hurt me.

It didn't stop the rest from coming though.

I wanted to die. There was no way I could live like this, not with pain this severe. And that only made me wonder what happened to cause so much pain. I couldn't remember what happened. Just a bang and a flash and screaming. But not out loud. I was only screaming inside.

“Hey, mister, are you okay?” A young man's voice cut into my thoughts.

My head snapped up, but I managed to keep my face partially turned. Good thing too, because the kid seemed to be about sixteen or seventeen, and the way I looked probably would've scared the shit out of him.

“I'm fine.” I managed to give him a partial smile. “Just waiting for a ride.”

The kid didn't look convinced, but he nodded and walked away. That was good. I didn't feel like having a conversation about why I didn't want to have a conversation. And he pulled me out of the flashback I'd been having. It was weird, I thought, how I hadn't actually remembered any of that until now. Bits and pieces had been coming back to me over the past couple months, but not this. This was new.

I rubbed my forehead. My hangover was pretty much gone, but I still had a lingering headache. The heat and the plane ride hadn't exactly helped, but the flashback had made it even worse.

I needed to get out of here and find Nori. It was the only thing I could think of to keep me sane. I just had to find her.

I pulled out my cell phone. I knew the hospital wouldn't give out Nori's personal information, even if she didn't work there anymore, but I remembered her saying that her mother worked at a local diner. It'd be easier to find her mom, then have her get me to Nori. Hell, for all I knew, that's where she was anyway. Did most girls go to their mother when a guy had been an asshole? I certainly hoped so, because the alternative was that she was with Tanner, and I didn't want to think that.

I couldn't remember the diner's name, but I knew I'd recognize it once I heard it. After going through the business pages, I found what I was looking for. Several minutes later, I had an address. Now, I just needed a cab.

I braced myself for the heat, stood up and stepped outside.

Damn. I'd forgotten what it felt like here. I looked down the sidewalk toward the taxis, eager to get back into air conditioning. There were still a handful of people waiting, so I took my time heading down the sidewalk. By the time I reached them, all but two had already gotten into their cabs and left.

One glanced up as I approached and I saw his eyes widen. I waited for the inevitable question, my heart beginning to race. Then, just as he was opening his mouth, recognition kicked in.

“Snyder?”

He grinned. “I thought that was you, X.” He held out his hand.

His left hand.

It was only then that I noticed the empty sleeve where his right arm used to be.

I shook his hand. “It's been a while.”

He nodded. “That it has.”

Ricky Snyder had been in basic with me, but we'd parted ways shortly afterward as he went on to work toward a career as a ranger. We hadn't been as close as Zed and I, but we'd been friends of a sort.

“You stationed down here?” Snyder asked.

I shook my head. “Was. Not anymore.”

“I thought you were a lifer,” he said. “Mind if I ask what happened?”

It was then that I realized how different it was to have another soldier ask the question instead of a civilian. Here was someone who actually understood.

“You hear about a fire down here in March?” I asked. The moment I saw the flicker in his eyes, I knew he had. I pulled aside the hood of my sweatshirt enough so that he could see some of the scar tissue.

“I'm guessing that's not all of it,” he said.

I shook my head. “No. There's plenty more. Had some broken bones too.” I jerked my chin toward his missing arm. “What about you?”

“Three years ago,” Snyder said. “I was in Kabul. Sniper took out two of my guys, then blasted through my elbow. When I came to, another three guys were dead and my arm was gone.”

“Damn,” I said.

Snyder shrugged. “I was angry for a while, especially after my discharge.”

“And now?” I asked. And it was more than just wanting to know how he was doing. I wanted to know how he'd done it. How he'd moved past what happened. He wasn't some doctor or a shrink who didn't understand. It wasn't even like Kipp who had at least served but had made it out relatively unscathed.

“It's something I'm still working through,” Snyder admitted. “There are still days when I'm angry, especially when there's something that needs two hands, or if someone acts like an ass, but most days, I'm okay. You gotta have the support system though. You can't really do it alone.”

Something I was starting to realize too late.

“Well, it was great seeing you,” Snyder said. “But I have to go. I just flew in from a consulting job in DC, and the fiancée is already waiting at the florist.”

“You're engaged?” I asked.

His entire face lit up. “Emma. She's amazing, and definitely my biggest supporter.”

“Congratulations,” I said sincerely.

“Thanks.” He opened the back door to the cab. “It was good seeing you again, X.” He paused, and then added, “Piece of advice: don't let this define you.”

I watched as the taxi pulled away and approached the next one. I got into the back and gave the driver the address to the diner. I didn't say anything else, too wrapped up in my encounter. Snyder hadn't said anything about how his own injury was so much worse than mine, how at least I had the use of both my hands, how it was possible for me to hide what happened. He'd lost men, his arm, his job, and now he was getting married and was able to smile. He hadn't sugar-coated things, hadn't told me that things were going to magically get better. But he'd given me hope for a future.

A future I hoped would include Nori.

I
hadn't been
this bone-tired since...I didn't know when. I'd spent the entire day at the hospital, making sure my parents were settled in the same room, talking with the doctors and nurses who were on the floor. I knew some of them, which helped, but I hadn't wanted to leave until my mom woke up. When she finally had, I got the rest of the story, punctuated by annoyed interjections from Dad.

Not exactly the least stressful day I'd ever had.

And Tanner had been there through all of it. He'd given me privacy when I needed it, but had been by my side when I needed that too. He never pushed, never questioned what I needed. Instead, he'd done what he'd always done. He'd given me strength and protected me.

Even to the point where he protected me from myself.

After the hospital had served a decidedly unappetizing dinner of what I assumed was supposed to be meatloaf, both of my parents had fallen asleep, leaving Tanner and me sitting in a relatively quiet room. That had been when he'd told me that I needed to get something to eat.

I wrinkled my nose at the congealing meat on my parents' trays. “Yeah, not exactly the most appetizing thing I've seen.”

“Not that,” Tanner said. He stood and held out his hand to me. “Real food. And rest.”

I shook my head. “I have to stay here.”

He moved to crouch down in front of me, his expression both concerned and firm at the same time. “No, you have to take care of yourself or you won’t be any use to them.”

I frowned at him but didn't pull away my hands when he took them. It was nice to have the physical contact.

“The doctor said they can be released tomorrow, right?”

I nodded even though he didn't need me to since he'd been right there when I'd talked to them.

“So if you've eaten only this hospital stuff, and tried to sleep in one of those chairs after I'm betting you didn't sleep on the plane, how much help do you think you're going to be tomorrow?”

Dammit. I hated it when he was right and all logical about it.

“And you know that the two of them will argue about whatever plan you come up with to take care of them.”

Again, dammit.

“To face all of that, you need food, a shower, and a good night's sleep.”

I raised my eyebrow. “You didn't mention the shower before.”

He gave me a wry smile as he stood. “I didn't think it'd be polite.”

I glared at him, but he'd made his point. That my parents were doing well enough that an overnight stay was all they needed was good news, but that didn't make what would come next any easier.

Neither one of them would be able to do much for themselves for at least two months, and I had no clue what I was going to do about it. But, as Tanner had said, I wouldn't be in any position to make important decisions, or even suggestions, unless I took care of myself.

I reached out and took Tanner's hand. “All right. Lead on.”

An hour later, I was wrapped in my mom's fluffy pink robe, my dripping wet hair pulled back into a messy bun, and I walked out into the most delicious-smelling kitchen. Tanner had been busy while I was in the shower.

“I found some leftovers,” he said. “I figured it'd be better to eat this tonight and then if you needed to order food, you could do it tomorrow.”

“Good call,” I said as I walked over to the oven. I took a deep breath. Mom's roast chicken. My stomach rumbled and I was suddenly aware of how hungry I was. I didn't even want to think about the last time I'd had a real meal.

“Your mom doesn't cook often,” Tanner said. “But when she does, it's amazing.”

I pulled plates out of the same place they'd been since she'd moved in, handing them over to Tanner like we'd done this a hundred times. “She used to do it all the time...before. Back then, she only had a part-time job, so she'd always be home to make supper and we'd all eat together.”

Tanner reached over and put his hand over mine, giving it a squeeze. “Maybe this will end up being a good thing in the long run. Force your parents to start dealing with their own shit for a change.”

“Maybe,” I said. I didn't want to get my hopes up, not when everything else had been going so horrible recently. For right now, all I wanted was to eat as much of my mom's home-cooking as I could, go stretch out on the couch, and go to sleep.

I'd worry about the rest of it tomorrow.

As usual, Tanner seemed to sense what I was thinking, what I needed, and he didn't say anything else. We moved around the kitchen in silence, piling foods on our plates, getting wine from the fridge. Mom didn't do beer or hard liquor, but she did like a glass or two of wine with dinner or before bed. I didn't want to get drunk, but relaxing was definitely a good idea. I knew all too well that a busy brain would keep me awake, no matter how tired I was.

We went over to the couch instead of the table and settled there. I considered turning on the television, but nonsense had been playing in the background in my parents' room and in the waiting rooms pretty much all day, and I didn't feel like hearing any more of it. Most people thought of hospitals as places of peace and quiet for the residents, but it wasn't quiet at all. No, this was quiet. Only the gentle clinks of the silverware on our plates and that was it.

When Tanner finally broke the silence, it was to say something sensible.

“Music?”

Again, he knew exactly what I needed. I nodded. “Thank you.”

Mom didn't have a sophisticated sound system, but she did have the smartphone port I'd bought her for Christmas last year, so I handed over my phone, and Tanner plugged it in. A few seconds later, my favorite classical music began to play. Between that and the alcohol, some of my tension began to ease. Maybe I'd be able to get to sleep tonight after all.

“I'll take care of this,” Tanner said as he picked up our plates and carried them over to the sink.

“You don't have to do that.” Now that I was clean and fed – and a tiny bit buzzed – I was starting to feel guilty about how much Tanner was doing for me.

“I don't mind,” he said. “You've had a rough time. Sit back and relax.”

I considered protesting, but I was really comfortable, so I curled up and watched him. I'd always enjoyed watching him, but this time, there was nothing sexual about it. For four years, I'd thought he was the sexiest man I'd ever seen. Every move he made had turned me on. I hadn't been able to watch him without feeling that twist of arousal in my stomach.

Until now.

He was still handsome, and kind, and everything else I'd fallen in love with. But I felt nothing other than friendship for him. I was grateful he was here, so I didn't have to go through this alone, but I also felt no need to ask him to stay the night, or to offer any other comfort.

“Will you be okay here alone?” he asked as he dried the last plate and put it away.

I nodded. “Thank you for everything you did, Tanner. I couldn't have gotten through any of this without you.”

He gave me a soft smile. “Anytime you need anything, you can count on me, Nori. Doesn't matter what it is, or if it's been twenty years since we've talked. I'll always be here when you need me.”

He came over to the couch and kissed the top of my head.

“I'll keep you updated on how my parents are doing,” I promised as he straightened, but before he could respond, someone knocked at the door. I gave Tanner a puzzled look. “Did you tell anyone I was coming back?”

He shook his head. “Maybe someone at the hospital saw you or word got around.”

That was possible, I supposed, but I didn't know why any of them would be coming here. If anything had happened to my parents, they would've called me in. I stood.

“I can get it,” Tanner said. “I was on my way out.”

“I'm fine,” I said as I walked past him to the door. “You can be my back-up.”

He chuckled as I opened the door.

And froze.

“What are you doing here?”