Don't Look Back (23 page)

I wondered if he really even had a job.

Natalie pulled away from my breast and I put her to my shoulder, gently patting her back until she burped.

“Can I hold her now?” Trevor asked eagerly.

I couldn’t think of a legitimate reason to tell him no, so I handed her to him. “Make sure and support her head.” He surprised me with how comfortable he seemed with her. “Have you held a lot of babies?” I asked.

“Sure,” he said, completely confident. “Remember I have all those nieces and nephews. I held them when they were small.”

As I realized he was more experienced than me, I suddenly felt inadequate.

“We made a nice-looking kid, Lily.” He smiled at me, looking very proud of himself.

Since I agreed completely, I couldn’t help but smile back.

Natalie began fussing and I thought Trevor would want to give her back to me, but instead, he expertly placed her against his shoulder and gently bounced her until she settled back down. She snuggled against his shoulder, sleeping, looking totally content. I smiled at the sweet image of the two of them, but felt sad that I couldn’t trust Trevor enough to let him into my life as my husband.

Trevor shifted Natalie into his hands, held out in front of him and gazed at her. “I’m so glad I found you, Lily. Now that I’ve held my daughter, I know I have to be a part of her life.”

I stared at him, but he didn’t look at me. His gaze was locked on Natalie. Then he turned to me.

“Don’t you see now that the three of us need to be together? To be a family?”

I thought about the night a few weeks before when Trevor had come over after he’d obviously been drinking. I pictured his face when Marcus had come down the stairs. And then I recalled how he had moved toward me in a threatening way and probably would have hurt me if Greta hadn’t intervened. No, I did not agree that we needed to be a family.

As I looked at him, I tried to think how I could convince him, without upsetting him, that it wasn’t going to happen. And I didn’t want him holding Natalie while the conversation took place. I held out my hands. “Can I have her back now?”

He seemed reluctant to hand her over, but he finally did.

I laid her against my chest and she continued sleeping. “Trevor, we need to talk,” I began.

His chair was facing me and the smile he’d had disappeared. “Okay.”

“I know in your mind you’re picturing us as this perfect little family, but in reality that’s not how it is.”

“You’re just not seeing the big picture,” he interrupted. “You’re too focused on the past. You need to look at the future.”

I shook my head. “Just a few weeks ago you burst into my house uninvited and scared me with your behavior. Do you remember that?”

“I was just surprised to see your ‘friend’ there. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“But that’s just it, Trevor. You never ‘mean’ to scare me or hurt me, but it happens nonetheless. I refuse to live that way.”

“What about me?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Where do I fit in to things? I want to be in Natalie’s life. I
am
her father, you know.”

“Of course I know that. I guess we’ll just have to work out the custody arrangements.”

He shook his head and stared at the floor for a minute, then looked back at me. “This is all wrong, Lily. You’re talking about divorce and custody like it’s nothing. I don’t think you even care.”

My heart pounded at his accusation. “You think I do this lightly? Do you have any idea how much I’ve agonized over this? How many chances I’ve given you? I wanted this to work. I guess you didn’t really understand that it was up to you. But time after time you’ve shown that you can’t be trusted to keep yourself under control. I can’t live a life where I’m constantly walking on eggshells for fear my husband will find some reason to get angry at me and hurt me.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “I just can’t do it.”

I watched Trevor’s reaction. At first he seemed shocked by what I’d said, but as I watched, his expression slowly morphed into anger.

“You act like you had nothing to do with this. Like you’re Little Miss Perfect. If only I could be as perfect as you, everything would be fine.”

I shook my head, but he ignored me.

“Well, newsflash, Lily. I’m not perfect and I never will be. But at least I’m trying. You’re not even willing to try. You’re ready to give up at the first challenge. That’s not how marriages should work. I know you never saw a marriage up close, but I did. It takes work. I guess you’re just not willing to put in the work.”

The way he had turned it all around and twisted it to make it look like it was my fault made me furious. I had done everything I knew to make our marriage work, but I wasn’t willing to live with a controlling, jealous, abusive husband. He seemed incapable of recognizing his serious faults and I didn’t have any hope that he would change. And I didn’t have the energy to help him. That was something he’d have to do on his own.

“Trevor, we see things completely differently and I don’t think that’s going to change. But you know what? That’s okay. You can live your life and I can live mine. We just are not going to be living those lives together.”

I watched Trevor’s face and it seemed like he was beginning to accept what I was saying. But then, like usual, hurt and anger crowded out reason. His eyes narrowed as he spoke.

“Fine, Lily. Have it your way. I’ll grant you the divorce. But you’d better believe that I will be in Natalie’s life whether you want me to be or not.”

For some reason, his words scared me. Even though I hoped he meant what he said about granting the divorce, I wondered what price I would have to pay. Finally he stood to leave. He reached toward Natalie and I instinctively held her tighter.

Trevor sneered at me. “I’m not going to take her. I just want to tell her good-bye.”

With trepidation, I handed her to him. He nuzzled her soft head and kissed her. Then he handed her back.

“Thank you,” I said.

Just then the door to my room opened and Marcus walked in. Trevor turned to see who had come in, then spun back toward me. “What’s
he
doing here?” he asked through clenched teeth.

I felt my face go pale. “He’s just a friend, Trevor,” I said quietly.

“I’m sorry,” Marcus said from the doorway. “I can come back later.”

Trevor never looked away from me as he spoke with venom in his voice. “I was just leaving.”

As soon as Trevor was gone, I collapsed into tears. Marcus was by my side in seconds.

“Kate, are you okay?”

I nodded, trying to get myself under control.

“Who is that guy?” he asked.

My tears slowed, then stopped. I set Natalie on my legs and grabbed a tissue to blow my nose. Looking at Marcus, I felt he deserved the truth. “He’s my husband.”

“Your husband?”

I could see the stunned look on his face.

“And I suppose your name really is Lily.”

I nodded.

He looked disgusted. “You lied to me?”

“Please. Let me explain.”

“You know, that’s exactly what Marissa said to me when I told her I’d had enough of her lies.”

“I understand you’re angry,” I quickly interjected. “But I have a good reason.”

“Wow. Are all women alike? You’re sounding more and more like Marissa with every word.” He stood and turned toward the door.

I couldn’t let him leave without trying to tell him the circumstances. “Wait, Marcus. You’ve got to understand. I was hiding from my husband. I couldn’t tell anyone.”

Before I could finish my explanation, he opened the door. “Yeah, sure. See you around . . . Kate, Lily, whatever.”

As the door closed behind him, sobs welled up and I couldn’t hold them back. I lifted Natalie from my legs and held her to me. “You won’t leave me, will you?” I sobbed.

Chapter Forty

When it was time to check out, I found myself with a problem. I didn’t have anyone to drive me home. I considered asking Trish, but I was embarrassed about all that had happened. I even briefly considered calling Trevor, but knew that would just encourage him.

Finally I thought of someone to ask. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed.

“
Billi’s
boutique,” a cheerful voice answered. “Maddy speaking.”

“Maddy,” I said, happy to hear a friendly voice. “It’s Kate.”

“Kate! How are you? Did you have that baby yet?”

“Yes,” I said, smiling despite my problems. “In fact, that’s why I was calling. The person who was supposed to bring me home from the hospital is not going to be able to do it and I was wondering if you might be available to pick me up and drive me home.”

“I’d love to,” she said. “I’m off in an hour. Can you wait until then?”

“Yes. Also, the baby’s car seat is at home.”

“Oh, don’t worry. My sister has a baby. I’ll swing by and borrow hers.”

“Oh, Maddy. You’re a life saver. Thank you so much.”

“I’m excited to see your baby. You were having a girl, right?”

“Yes. I named her Natalie.”

“That’s a beautiful name. I can’t wait to see her.”

I told her my room number, then we hung up. Relieved to have my ride taken care of, I decided to get Natalie ready. First I changed her diaper, which took me longer than I thought it would. I knew it wouldn’t take long for me to become an expert though. Then I grabbed the new diaper bag I’d brought and pulled out the cute outfit I’d bought for the occasion. Natalie’s bright blue eyes watched me as I struggled to get her arms into the sleeves.

“We want to make sure you’re nice and warm,” I said to her. Once she was dressed, I sat on the bed and leaned against the pillows. Putting my feet on the bed so my legs were bent, I propped her against my legs so I could gaze at her. Everything she did fascinated me and I knew I could watch her for hours.

When Maddy got there I let her hold the baby while I went through the checkout process. A short time later we were all strapped into the car and on our way home.

“How have things been at the store?” I asked.

“It’s been really busy with Christmas so close,” Maddy said as she glanced at me then looked back at the road. “We’ve really missed you.”

“Ohh, thanks. That makes me feel good.”

“It’s true. A lot of the regulars have asked about you and if you’ve had your baby.” She paused. “Hey, I know. Maybe you can take a picture of her and we can put it on the register or something, so that everyone can see.” Then she laughed. “That’s really old school, isn’t it? But a lot of our customers aren’t really into Facebook.”

“I don’t have a Facebook page anyway.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” I said, thinking how that could have led Trevor right to me, although in the end it hadn’t made a difference.

When we got to my street I directed her to Trish’s house. “I need to get my key from my neighbor. She’s been feeding my dog.”

Maddy pulled up to Trish’s house.

“Do you want me to get it?” Maddy asked.

I was still recovering from child birth and couldn’t jump out of the car as easily as usual. Not only that, but I was fairly certain Marcus would have told Trish that I had lied about my name and my marital status. I really didn’t want to face her. “Yes, thanks.”

Maddy walked up to the front door and rang the bell. I saw the door open but couldn’t see who had answered. A moment later Maddy was climbing back in the car and handing me my house key.

“Thanks,” I said as I tucked it into my purse.

A moment later we pulled up to my house.

“Do you need any help bringing stuff in?” Maddy asked.

“If you want to grab my overnight bag, I can get the baby and her diaper bag.”

Within a few minutes we had everything in the house. Greta was ecstatic to see me, her tail wagging harder than I had ever seen it.

“Thanks for bringing me home, Maddy.”

“No problem. I’m glad I got to see your beautiful baby.”

After she left, I checked Greta’s food and water bowls to make sure she had what she needed. Then, with Natalie in my arms, I sat on the couch and called Greta over.

“This is my new baby,” I said to her, letting her sniff Natalie. “We need to take good care of her. Okay?”

Greta responded by wagging her tail again. I pet her with my free hand and praised her for being such a good dog.

Natalie began fussing and Greta looked at her, apparently wondering what this new creature was. I took Natalie upstairs and changed her diaper on the new changing table, then sat in the rocking chair and nursed her. When she had finished eating and had been burped, I held her against my shoulder and rocked her. She soon fell asleep.

After placing her in the crib, I went into my room and unpacked the things I had taken to the hospital. I could hardly believe my baby was here and that I was no longer pregnant. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that my belly was still large. I knew it would take several weeks for my uterus to shrink back to normal, but I was impatient to get back into shape.

Once things were organized, I made sure the burglar alarm was set, then lay on my bed and took a nap. It felt good to be in my own bed again after being in the hospital. I slept soundly, but woke abruptly when I heard Natalie crying. Pushing myself off of my bed, I went into her room and stood next to the crib, gazing at her. She was so perfect. Her tiny fists waved in the air as she cried and I laughed as her perfect little mouth occasionally turned down into a frown. I reached in and scooped her up, then held her against me. Though her cries weren’t as loud, she still fussed and I assumed she was hungry.

I sat on the rocking chair and began nursing her. She ate hungrily. Powerful waves of love cascaded over me as I watched her. I stroked her head with my free hand and was amazed by her soft hair. When she was satisfied, I changed her diaper and brought her downstairs.

I had bought a baby seat and had placed it on the dining room table. After placing her in it, I fixed myself something to eat, then sat near her and ate my meal. I had only been a mother for a very short period of time, but already I loved it.

I was extremely grateful for the money I had from Dad’s life insurance policy as well as the sale of his house, which allowed me to be home with Natalie. I knew I would need to continue with my classes as soon as possible, perhaps some Web-based classes, but for the time being I would enjoy taking care of her full-time.