e (12 page)

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Authors: Matt Beaumont

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God, it was good to get out of here at lunch!! Hope you feel better!!!!!! Remember what I said – I think you should definitely, definitely leave!!!!! You’re my best friend in the world and I don’t know how I could work here without you!!!!! But you’ve got to think of yourself, and you’re better than this place!!!!! Zxxx

Zoë Clarke – 1/4/00, 2:27pm
to:
Rachel Stevenson
cc:
 
re:
job changes

Rachel, thanks so much for the offer. I’m so excited that Mr. Crutton suggested me for the position. Obviously it entails extra responsibility and is a big step up. As I said I would, I’ve given it a lot of thought over lunch. In the end, though, it’s an easy decision to make. I’d be thrilled to accept – Zoë

Carla Browne – 1/4/00, 2:29pm
to:
Zoë Clarke
cc:
 
re:
this shit hole!!!!

I don’t know what I’d do without you, Zoë!!!!!! You’re the only one in this stupid bloody place that stops me from going mad!!!!!!!!!! I do
feel better, and I’ve decided that I’m
not
going to resign!!!!!!!!! I can’t let those bastards win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cxxx

Zoë Clarke – 1/4/00, 2:41 pm
to:
Carla Browne
cc:
 
re:
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In-fucking-credible!!!!!!! That two-faced, lying cow, Rachel, has only gone and offered me the Crettin job!!!!!!!!! I mean, doesn’t she know we’re best friends in the world?!!! The thing is though, I think I’ve got to say yes. Before you go mad, I don’t want to, but I don’t really have a choice! It
is
5k more and I’ve got a
massive
MasterCard bill to pay and my gas is about to be
cut off
!!!!! And you
really, really didn’t want it
did you?!!!!!! Oh, God, what am I gonna do?!!!!!!!!! . . . Zxxx

Pinki Fallon – 1/4/00, 2:52pm
to:
Ken Perry
cc:
 
re:
emergency!

I think we need some of your maintenance guys to help us out here. There’s been a bit of an incident between Zoë Clarke and one of the other girls. Zoë’ll need a new desk lamp and PC, unless you can get the potting compost from the yucca out of her floppy drive. Also there’s a bit of blood on one of the carpet tiles. It’s only a small cut, so no need for first-aid. Ta . . . 

Simon Horne – 1/4/00, 2:55pm
to:
Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
 
re:
hormonal women

Darling, have those dreadful girls finished their caterwauling yet? What was that commotion? I have to see David with a Mako idea and I would like to make it to his office with life and limb intact.

Susi Judge-Davis – 1/4/00, 2:56pm
to:
Simon Horne
cc:
 
re:
hormonal women

The coast is clear, sweetie . . . Sx

Carla Browne – 1/4/00, 3:05pm
to:
All Departments
cc:
[email protected]
re:
fuck the fucking lot of you!!!!!!!

I’m leaving now, but before I go there’s some things you should know!!!!!!!

• Zoë Clarke is a lying slag and she gave Simon Horne a BJ at last year’s D&AD.

• She said he has a really small dick.

• Daniel Westbrooke keeps tarts’ call box cards in his desk drawer.

• The Crettin buys his coke off Vince Douglas.

• The Crettin also spent £3,500 in one night at a table-dancing club and put it through on his expenses as “qualitative research fees.”

• You can all fuck off and die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 3:09pm
to:
Chandra Kapoor
cc:
David Crutton
re:
urgent

Please delete Carla Browne’s User ID from e-mail with immediate effect.

Thank you.

Rachel Stevenson

Personnel

David Crutton – 1/4/00, 3:20pm
to:
Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
 
re:
cracked

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