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Golly, what a pickle! Still, I’m up for a challenge. I’ll grab James as soon as he’s back from the loo and we’ll pop in. – Katie P

	Brett Topowlski – 1/4/00, 4:00pm
to:	Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re:	rumble in the jungle

While you were poncing around at some photographer’s studio shooting panty liners, you missed a top ruck. Carla vs Zoë, armed only with Rexel staplers and
rouge noir
nail extensions. They were tearing lumps out of each other when Pinki the Pacifist steamed in like a UN delegation and broke it up – crying bloody shame. I tell you, if boxing were only half as horny, it wouldn’t be going through a crisis right now. Picture Iron Mike in basque and fishnets. (Go on, I dare you.)

So Carla walks and Zoë’s going to work for Crutton? How the fuck did she swing it? Mind you, I’m not sure he’ll want her when he sees her shiner. And your babe, Lol, has got the creative job. Compensation for when
we jet off to the Indian Ocean paradise of Mauritius for the LOVE shoot to enjoy the shimmer of factor 2 on surgically enhanced tits
– shame you won’t be there.

Wonder what Horne’s Mako idea is. Couldn’t be worse than Little and Large, could it? No, don’t answer that.

	Susi Judge-Davis – 1/4/00, 4:10pm
to:	Zoë Clarke
cc:	Rachel Stevenson
re:	behaviour unbecoming of a professional establishment

I have just come out of a meeting with Simon, who is quite upset by this afternoon’s events. He has asked me to have a serious word with you.

He does not feel that fistfights on the creative floor are a thing to be tolerated and has asked me to have you relocated. I informed him that you are to work for David Crutton and, to be honest, he is worried. He is not sure that you are suitable and is going to ask David to review his offer.

Let me know if you’d like to talk, though I may be in conference with Simon as we have much to catch up on. Your antics have thrown out the whole day’s timing.

I try so hard to defend you, Zoë, but this time you have really let yourself down.

Susi

	Liam O’Keefe – 1/4/00, 4:10pm
to:	Brett Topowlski
cc:
re:	rumble in the jungle

Q1: Did you video the punch up? Mel’s got a Digicam in her desk – tailor-made for this type of blue-riband sporting event.

Q2: Is our little Vinnie Douglas really Crutton’s Colombian connection? If so, tell him to cut it with some rat poison next time.

Q3: Do you really think that going on about your poxy shoot in Mauritius is getting to me?

Got to go. Harriet is lurking outside our office and she’s wearing the sauciest Chanel knock-off. I could be up for this older-woman gig.

	Pinki Fallon – 1/4/00, 4:15pm
to:	Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re:	stop it!

Do me a favour and stop trying to see down Harriet’s cleavage. I’m watching you do it now. Transparent? I could glaze a greenhouse with you . . . 

	Harriet Greenbaum – 1/4/00, 4:50pm
to:	Simon Horne
cc:
re:	Mako

Susi tells me that, having cleared shelf space for all the awards you are going to win for Mako, you are de-stressing at the Groucho. Whilst you unwind after your triumph, you should know that my team and I are not happy. I don’t see our client buying into Reeves and
Mortimer any more than they did Little and Large. We’re disappointed that you’ve taken the rest of the department off the brief.

I would love to debate this with you, but as you are not here I’ve taken the liberty of talking to Pinki and Liam. I’ve asked them to carry on working on the project. Pinki believes in Mako. Its low emissions make it the sort of car she’d drive herself, if only she could drive. Liam believes in it because of the 0-60 figures, brightly coloured rear spoiler and beverage holder on the dashboard.

This commitment on their part will lead, I hope, to a very strong idea.

Before you blow a fuse, David is aware of all this. Whilst he still likes your work, he is never averse to covering all the bases and presenting more than one route. He is happy for Pinki and Liam to continue.

I have asked Susi to set up a review for late tomorrow. Given the fix we’re in, I think we should all be there.

I’m sure you will make your thoughts on this clear to me upon your return.

	Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 5:05pm
to:	Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re:	behaviour unbecoming of a professional establishment

Susi, I’ve spoken to Zoë. She’s very upset, obviously by Carla’s attack, but also by your e-mail. In the future I’d prefer you not to take these matters up without first speaking with me.

Zoë assures me that Carla’s outburst was completely unprovoked, and eyewitnesses bear this out. Given that Carla has now left and that Zoë is extremely traumatised, I think it best that we allow things to settle and try to forget the whole incident. Zoë will take up the position of David’s PA as of Monday.

	Liam O’Keefe – 1/4/00, 5:15pm
to:	Brett Topowlski
cc:
re:	steaming pile of shit

Harriet briefed us to carry on with Mako, and while she was at it she showed us Horne’s latest. All he’s done is take his L&L stuff and rewrite it for . . . drum roll . . . R&M. (Recognise the casting?) The scripts are as witty as a tax return. Wake Vin and come and see them in five. Pinki’s going to see Perky (her clairvoyant).

	Daniel Westbrooke – 1/4/00, 5:33pm
to:	Simon Horne
cc:
bcc:	David Crutton
re:	concerns